Married man...

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I have been seeing a married man for going on just 2 months now. He asked me out one day at work and I knew he was married (he wore his ring, he has since taken it off). I had noticed many times before that he was flirting with me but I never took it to heart cause he WAS married. When he asked me out I should have said "no", but for some reason I didn't. He came into my work one day as I was getting off and we stood around in the parking lot and talked for a bit and then he kissed me. I was taken aback but gave in.

I went and that night and after we got back, we got physical. He explained to me that him and his wife were not getting along for about 2 years now and I believe him (even though part of me knows that he probably just telling me what I want to hear). If he was so unhappy, why hasn't he left yet? He said that he just doesn't know how to go about doing it. He's afraid that his wife will take him to the cleaners. AND he's worried about the kids.

I really feel that I'm starting to fall for him and it's depressing me. I shouldn't be feeling depressed over someone who makes me as happy as he does when I'm with him. It sucks and I know that it's wrong what I'm doing and I don't really wanna be judged or be told by people on here that I'm a sinner and going to hell. I'm not on here for that. I just wanna know how other people in this same situation have dealt with this.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to do this sooner or later.... PLEASE HELP!..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Married man....

You need to cut it off in a clean break.  Most times these guys never leave their wives...and if he does...he'll could cheat on you down the road.  The best thing to do is envision your future with him and without him.  Just daydream of your life with him in it...and without him.  Which life seems more fulfilling?  I hope it is the life without him..

I'm sure his life is not exactly the way he wants it...whose is?  But he may not be all that miserable with her.  Sometimes people (men and women) cheat on their spouses as a stress relief.  Too many things are weighing on them and they need an outlet and instead of dealing with their lives and the problems in their lives...they cheat.  You are a break in his day and something to distract him from what his life is really all about.  As you are falling for him, he too could be falling for you.  But a man that is worried about his money and custody of the kids will let an affair drag on for a long time..

He might beg and plead to keep things going and promise things he has no intention of delivering...but you need to be strong and not cave in.  Do whatever you have to do to get through that conversation...even if it means having a friend there who already knows about the two of you (if you can get by...dont tell anyone new...because it will come back to haunt) or see a therapist who can give you ideas on how to accomplish this...

Comment #1

Hate to say it, hon ... but, you're on the wrong board.   This is for dating.  Married men don't date.  They have affairs.   An affair is NOT dating (online dating with ... but, that's what you're doing.  No judging, just the facts..

There are affairs boards here on iV.  You should visit the Ending an Affair board.  And, go lurk on the Betrayed Spouses board so you can get a glimpse into the lives of wives who have been cheated on and are trying to rebuild their marraiges.  (do not post, 'other women' aren't exactly welcome there).   But, it might be just the WAKE UP CALL you need.

As for breaking it off, here's what you do:  "John, I've made a huge mistake by agreeing to 'date' you ... my conscious has gotten the better of me and frankly, no matter how BAD your marriage is ... there are other options ... either work on the marriage or get out of it ... but, affairs are not the answer.  Good luck with your life.".

And then you close the door and you don't look back.  No contact.  .

(and fwiw, they are ALL unhappy ... that's chapter 1 of the cheater's handbook ... "tell your mistress how unhappy you are, gather her sympathy" ...... ok, you know I'm being sarcastic ... there is no handbook ... but, that's what they all say ...

Love her to pieces ... she's amazing ... she never nags me and is so loving ... but, I'm a dog and can't be faithful so ... wanna get it on?"  ...

The sympathy card is the only one they can play)...

Comment #2

Thank you... I just don't know how to go about starting the conversation itself. Someone has actually asked him about us and he denied it and assured the person that we were just friends. I asked him if we should break things off and he told me no that he didn't wanna stop seeing me... I have never had to break up with anyone before, so I don't even know what to do...

Comment #3

Sorry, this is my first time posting on here and I didn't know that there was a board for that. I found a similar post when I was on google and I just kinda went from there...

Comment #4

Please do yourself a huge favor and leave the man now.  They all say that they are not happing and/or sleeping in separate rooms.  You deserve so much better and why should you have to share?  You need to learn how to respect yourself and expect other to respect you, if not then you need to stand up and move on.    We are treated how we allow people to treat us - he does not respect you and had no business kissing you to begin with.  All I can say is run away from him as fast as you can because he's only in it for himself, like I said he does not respect you.  If he did he would have filed for divorce and then pursued you.  When I hear things like this, it frustrates me, because we allow ourselves to be treated this way and then we complain about it - we owe it to ourselves, we can't be blaming other people because we allow someone to disrespect us.  I hope you come to your senses and walk out immediately.  I have yet to see a healthy relationship (thru that was started by cheating - once a cheater, always a cheater, and trust is always an issue.  You are just as much as a cheater as he is because he's married.  Don't you want to be respected by the next man that comes into your life or looked at as a cheater? .



Comment #5

How to break up with someone...easy.  You just tell him that you thought about your life and you decided you want more than what he can offer you.  You want a REAL relationship...not a fantasy relationship.  You want to spend holidays with your guy and be introduced to his friends and family and have a normal life.  You simply state those words...because he CANNOT compete with a man who can offer you a normal life complete with holidays and vacations and emotional support.  You just need to state that you want a better life than what he can give you. If you want support from others in your position...I believe that ivillage does have a board for women and men trying to end just need to go to the Love & Sex message board and it will be listed there somewhere.  Good luck!..

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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