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Ok, this is for a friend to whom I don't know what to say. I told her about iVillage, but she's too lazy to check it out so I said I'd ask for her because you guys rock! My friend is going back to her home country next week and her boyfriend is staying here. He told her that he thinks she is the most awesome person and he loves being with her, but that he doesn't think it'll work because 1) he will be too busy in the next few months to be a good boyfriend to her and 2) he did the long-distance thing before and it was too difficult and he doesn't want to do it again. After the said all of that, he said he was very confused and glad to get that off of his chest. She told him she needed some time to think abotu everything he just said to her.SO the question is: Is he just blowing her off or does he genuinely like her but just doesn't want long distance? If a guy really likes you, will distance, business, etc really matter? No, right? Won't he move heaven and earth if she really is the one??? I've seen them together, and I think he really is in love with her, but then I hesitate to say this because if he really was, wouldn't he want to give the long-distance thing a shot, even though as he said he's already done that and had a bad experience with it before?..

Comments (9)

Your question was: Long-distance.

How old are they, how long have they been together? Do either of them have the money to ever visit one another?>After the said all of that, he said he was very confused and glad to get that off of his chest. Since he kind of back-pedalled, and said he was confused, and apparently anxious about it (felt like something he had to get off his chest), I think he genuinely likes her AND genuinely doesn't really want long distance. And ultimately I think he doesn't know what he wants to do right now.She should think about this. He should think more. They're going to have to keep discussing it. If she wants it, and he's willing to try, I say, try it.

Long distance is hard. It's also hard to develop a relationship (thru Match.com) long distance. And if you can never see one another until deciding to marry...I think that's just a bad idea, even if the person seems perfect for you...

Comment #1

Hi Jay! Thank you so much for your reply. I hope you write again because you seem to give great insight and advice Well, they're both 21 and have been together just a few months but are so in love. They both have money to see each other, that's not the problem. It's just that we're all still in university, so time-wise, it's not really good because we have to go to class! LOL I think that one sentence you wrote is perfect - "I think he genuinely likes her AND genuinely doesn't really want long distance". I think so too! She was just insecure and asking me - is he blowing me off or does he really like me but is torn with the long-distance? It's tragic either way, but of course I'd rather the latter one! Also, she said he started off by saying, "If I'm reading too much into the situation, just forget everything I say afterwards" hahaha! It's like he was saying, if I'm taking our whole relationship (thru Match.com) way too seriously then disregard what I say after, but if I'm not and we really are as aserious as I think we are then okay... Too cute! SO, I think she is trying to think of what to say back to him.

I told her that's going to be tricky to manage. Also, she was a little put off by him saying he'd be too busy during the semester to be a good boyfriend. But then in the end he said he'd been thinking about her so much the last few days and he was confused .....

Comment #2

Thanks for the compliments. Maybe I've lived enough to get a little wise.>she said he started off by saying, "If I'm reading too much into the situation, just forget everything I say afterwards"Yeah...he sounds very into her, but wasn't sure if she was as into him. LOL.>SO, I think she is trying to think of what to say back to him. I know she wants to continue the relationship, but doesn't want to seem too eager or desperate. I think the attitude she has to personally have is, I want us to try, but I realize it will be difficult and it may fail. And if she can be that way, then communicate that perspective to him.Is she coming back after the summer? A few months seems do-able to do long distance, perhaps with a visit in-between.>she was a little put off by him saying he'd be too busy during the semester to be a good boyfriend.

But maybe he was just being honest. Maybe from experience he believes doing long distance will be time-consuming/energy-draining and he really feels he'll fail her because of that. It's one thing to be busy & tired & in the same location because at least you guys are able to eat together, sleep together, vegetate/relax together. The relationship (thru Match.com) moves along without requiring too much time sacrifice or extra energy, and an in-person relationship (thru Match.com) is pretty rewarding. To do long distance, you have to use up actual "free" time, and try to drum-up some enthusiasm (while you're busy/tired) for a disembodied voice...a bit harder.Even if they end up deciding to part ways, if she's back in the fall and they're both free, they could decide to start up again...

Comment #3

Thanks again, Jay! Your posts are so so great Yah, I think they're both trying to do the best they can in terms of being realistic.. basically trying to balance head and heart! I told her to just be honest with him and if she wants to try and keep it going, to not be afraid to say that!!! I think the worst thing would be for her to try and fake like she doesn't want to try. From the sound of it, it seems like he is fishing for her to say that anywayz!..

Comment #4

I think that he's basically thinking that they are both very young, will both have a lot going on in their lives and the long-distance thing really complicates matters.  Since they are only 21, he's probably thinking that while he really likes her (or loves her) that if things are meant to be, they will get back together when they are able to be in the same area again.  But in the meantime, it may be better for everyone if they go into their new lives open and clear and able to go with the flow.  It doesn't mean he doesn't care about her or that he doesn't want to be with her.  But he will have a lot going on when he moves and maybe he'd just like to see what happens.  And if they are meant to be together, it will happen.  If not, they are better off doing this now rather than later.

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Comment #5

>I told her to just be honest with him and if she wants to try and keep it going, to not be afraid to say that!!! Yeah...to get what you want, you generally have to be willing to take risks...

Comment #6

I think that the guy is just being honest and sometimes that hurts. No, guys (in general) do not move heaven and earth for a woman. Distance does matter. And some people don't like being put out at all and if he is that type of person, she could be wonderful, awesome, the best ever - but he may eventually get tired of the situation.For some guys at certain stages of their lives, the "one" could appear and because of logistics or career or whatever...they don't stop everything to marry her and they just move on (because they have to accomplish something or get to a certain stage in their lives before they can put another person first) and they know they'll meet another "one" someday. Women are different and more romantic about that type of situation. Women are more likely to move for a guy than vice versa...

Comment #7

Well, I think she is pretty much going to lay everything on the line and just say she still wants to try. I think she is not saying it so blatant in those exact words... more subtle...

Comment #8

UPDATE: Ok, these two have totally different persepctives on the situation. My friend wants to continue the way it is for the rest of the summer, whereas the guy says wants the point of digging himself deeper for the next 2 months and then hurt like crazy when they have to part. My friend was like um, dig yourself deeper? You're already buried, baby! Hahaha! Which he is, I have to agree. He's already smitten, jeez! Anywayz, so he asked her if she thinks they can be friends and she was like um, NO! She said she can't be just friends with him and then they were both quiet for a while and then he goes, "Well, it's not like we have to decide this right now" LOL Aww. Poor guy. I think he loves her but is trying to really use his head and be "realistic" as he said about the whole thing.

But my friend is like me - she told him the reason she can't be friends is if they were hanging out that way, she'd just be thinking about how amazing everything is the way they usually have it and why they are settling for a mediocre time! Ha! I agree with her, personally. Anyway, I think it's cute how she basically already answered him and he was like, um, well, why don't you take time to think about it? Haha. I think it shows how much he cares about her and how much he really wants her in his life in any cpacity whatsoever...

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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