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Letting go the bad to let the good in?

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Question...How do you stop letting your past relationships interfer with current present ones?  If you had 2 very bad realtionships back to back how do you let go of all that negative thinking and reacting?  Should you wait to date?  If you were dating (online dating with Match.com) someone how do you explain? do you explain? How do you know when your ready to even start dating? .

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Comments (4)

Your question was: Letting go the bad to let the good in?.

<< Question...How do you stop letting your past relationships interfer with current present ones?  >>.

In one word:  Forgiveness.

Forgiveness means letting go of the hope of a better past.

Forgiveness starts from within.  First and foremost, you have to forgive yourself for whatever role you had in your prior relationships ... and, if need be, make amends with whomever you need to.   More often than not though, you can internally forgive both yourself AND others ... there doesn't need to be a talk or any sort of discussion.  Sometimes even, if you have things left unsaid, you can find closure and a great deal of relief by writing a letter ... and then dispose of it ... burn it, bury it, put a postage stamp on it and send it to Siberia.  .

<< If you had 2 very bad realtionships back to back how do you let go of all that negative thinking and reacting? >>.

Everyone's had a bad relationships.  Its part of life.   Remember that you're not living in a vaccuum and focus everyday on the things you have to be grateful for.    Every negative thought can turned into positive thought ... and reactions can be turned into responses..

Of course, counseling helps.  If you find that your past relationships are holding you back ... then, perhaps a good counselor can help you work thru it. .

Buy some books and read about the power of positive thinking.   Affirmations help, too..

<< Should you wait to date? >>.

Yes.

<< If you were dating (online dating with Match.com) someone how do you explain? do you explain? >>.

Explain what?  If you have to 'explain' your past relationship (thru Match.com) pangs (ie, your baggage), then ... you should  not be in a relationship (thru Match.com) until you can effectively leave your baggage at the curb. .

<< How do you know when your ready to even start dating?  >>.

When you don't have the need to ask that question. ;-).

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Comment #1

I agree totally with Starbuck.

I'll also add that if you take the bad experiences from your past relationships, you are going to repeat it for sure. Take only the good, leave the bad. Each time you meet someone new, you should raise the bar a little higher. You will finally meet Mr. Right. That's why it's called Dating.

And sometimes it hurts but you get back in the game.........eventually. Like Starbuck said, forgive yourself, and others. You don't have to tell them face to face, but in your mind, let it go. They were who they were and that does not reflect who you are or who the next guy will be. Never "compare" exes with current mates or discuss the pros and con's of past relationships.

You will know when you are ready. It will be when you stop looking and have fun just being with yourself and friends..

Good luck!.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #2

I have found that by taking breaks after bad relationships it helps to clear my head so that I can see exactly what went wrong in the relationship (thru Match.com) and....what went right too.  by taking breaks I have also been able to see what role I played in the relationship (thru Match.com) going bad and what role he played.  It is important to see yourself clearly too..

So I do suggest that taking a break couldn't hurt..

The other benefit of taking a break from dating...(actively reviewing and learning about the relationship...not just pining away and moping...but being proactive in assessing that relationship)...is that you get to know  yourself and what you are looking for in a mate..

Addressing negative thinking ...it is very important that you date using Match.com the person who is sitting in front you...not the one who you said goodbye to a year ago.  If you have negative thoughts about your ex and you see it permeating your thoughts about a new guy then that would be agood time to stay home and get the Kleenex and really process those emotions and how they hurt you and how you trusted and loved him and how the pain just doesnt seem to stop.  Let it all out and try to promise yourself that you will try to be open to meeting a new person and see him for who HE is.  I say that  it is important to watch a person's behavior to get a handle on his intentions.  So, as long as he behaves in a trustworthy manner...your trust is appropriate.  If you sense wishy washy behavior, or someone who says marvelous things about you, but doesnt behave in a boyfriend like way...then you need to address the age old dating (online dating with Match.com) problem of one person being more serious in the relationship (thru Match.com) than the other.  Then you may need to leave that relationship (thru Match.com) earlier than expected because you cant force a guy to love you or treat you in a way that he doesnt feel in his heart.  Try not to stick with those guys...thinking...that he'll change or see how great you are.  But...if it flows and you see that he is into you as much as you are into him...then try to just relax, but stay cognizant of any concerns you may.  That is difficult to balance, but achievable..

As far as reacting goes...the only way you know you are doing it is when youare actually doing it...so sometimes there is no stopping it.  If you find yourself reacting or lashing out at something...you may need to call a time out and figure out why a behavior of his is affecting you this way.  We all have doubts and insecurities and sometimes those old wounds nurse those doubts and insecurities.  The only way to not allow it to affect a new relationship (thru Match.com) is to think before you speak.  You'll know when you are reacting...you'll feel it in your gut or heart first.  Try to excuse yourself or say something just happened you need to call him back.  Then try to figure out what is bothering you and see if it IS something he did that you need to address or is his behavior similar to someone else and now you'll assume that the new guy will do the same thing to you.  I dont know what else to suggest to you..

As far as explaining negative thinking and reacting to a new guy...I wouldn't.  He doesnt need to know everything about you upfront because while all the books say to open your heart and just communicate and he'll love you no matter what....blllaaahhh...they are wrong.  The more you discuss about your own past and hardships and heartbreaks...the more you give him to think about.  If you are with him and he catches you doing it...then you laugh it off and say, "oops..that's right...you're steve...not craig. just a knee jerk reaction...that's all." and then make sure you change the subject.  That method of handling it...is similar to how men relate to each other..

You know when you are ready to start dating (online dating with Match.com) when you have a good handle on your emotions, your mood is consistently good...or right in the middle and you feel that even with the pain...it is still worth trying to make a go of it with a  new guy..

Hope this helps...

Comment #3

Yes you need to spend time by yourself - learning who you are alone, looking at the relationships with a bit of distance so you can see your role as well as the guys.  You need ultimately to forgive yourself for getting involved with these men, learning to like yourself, and to see that there are good guys out there. If you think it would be helpful, perhaps you should see a therapist for a few sessions to help sort out your feelings. Good luck..

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Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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