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I've tried Yahoo! and Match.com personals and have never even met anyone---does anyone really have a

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My first question is: I've tried Yahoo! and Match.com personals and have never even met anyonedoes anyone really have a.

My next question is: Here's the basics...daughter is 24 and I know feels her biological clock is ticking (!!!!  I've tried to convince her she has lots of time).  She up until now has not dated, due in  part to the fact that not too many men her age are interested in plus size women (at least the ones she knows).  Fast forward to now...through mutual friends she met a man who turned 40 years old.  He lives at home with his parents now because he got into too much debt with his purchases of a motor home and truck.  He loves Nascar, watches pay-per-view wrestling, has absolutely no social skills, and his family are nice rural folk but have no social graces and few teeth.  (I am NOT kidding about any of this!)  My daughter seems smitten, but my husband and I are shell-shocked.  What can we say?  She asks for affirmation about this relationship, and I see it as a disaster.  I don;t want to lose our close relationship, though, so what do I do??..

Comments (9)

Your question was: I've tried Yahoo! and Match.com personals and have never even met anyonedoes anyone really have a.

As far as I have read, and experienced, the best way to push her away would be to tell her just what you think of her boyfriend. BUT you are obviously wise to this tactic and want to keep her close. That's really good.When I was in college and high school, I had a lot of different boyfriends. None of them were bad people (they all had full sets of teeth at least), but they didn't fit me very well and I'm sure my mom saw that. If I asked her what she thought of one of these particular guys, she would invariably say the same thing - "Brigitte, if you're happy then I'm happy". My mom is a wise woman and I've always valued her opinion, so I knew that when she said this she meant "I don't think this is the right guy for you but I'll respect your decision and not let it come between us".

When I came home for a vacation just having finished my senior year in college, trying to decide where to go next, my parents knew I had been dating (online dating with Match.com) someone I really liked for a few months. I brought him with me for the week, and at the end of our stay there my mom pulled me aside and said, "I really like Pete, and I can tell he loves you very much. Tell him we'd like to see more of him" and that said it all for me. To this day they will never speak a bad word about him or anyone I've dated, and they encourage our relationship (thru Match.com) because it's a good one. I'm so thankful to have a mom like that.I know that you can find a way to let your daughter know that you support her without alienating her.

She will gain some experience from this guy at least, and most likely she'll learn that she wants someone more independent and has more similar interests to her. I trust that she'll make the right decision."He loves Nascar, watches pay-per-view wrestling, has absolutely no social skills, and his family are nice rural folk but have no social graces and few teeth."My boyfriend works for World Wrestling Entertainment so I had to laugh at this one! That really is their target audience, for sure..

Comment #1

LOL, Im not laughing at your situation but your post.  I am so sorry for your problem..

Your daughter is an adult woman, you can not and should not discourage her relationship (thru Match.com) with the man.  That would most likely push her to defending him and alienating you and her dad.  When she asks tell her that he would not be your choice, but she is a grown woman and can make intelligent decisions.  However, dont be to surprised if she doesnt make an intelligent one about this.  First love and all a person usually does not use their head.  You have to let her make lifes mistakes.  Hopefully, she will soon come to realize what a lazy, boring person he is.  BTW dont let the age difference be an issue.  My last SO was 19 yrs younger and the age difference was never a factor for us.  That is not what caused the breakup..

Keep your fingers crossed and maybe suggest that she use birthcontrol until she is absolutely positive she wants a lasting relationship (thru Match.com) with him. .

As an after thought, you might hint around to her that if she is asking for affirmation from you about him, that just maybe she knows deep down that he is not right for her & she might want to think about it some more..

Good luck and keep us posted..

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #2

Bless you, Brigitte, for your prompt and oh-so-rational answer.  Would that I had read it earlier!  My daughter called and inquired as to why I seemed somewhat "scattered" and I just told her how I felt, qualifying it by saying I would support and love her regardless of her decision.  She had been making comments (not all in jest, I think) about when she got married, her future mother-in-law, etc., so I just asked her to think ahead to how this man, as a potential father to her children one day, would be with working on homework, going to school meetings, etc.  I told her that if she was running interference for him now to buffer awkward social situations it would only get worse as time went on..

She was exceedingly quiet...just listened and then said, "I'll let you go, Mom, to work on your homework". (I'm finishing up a degree online). .

Do I need to run damage control, or do I just see how things shake out and go on as though we had never had this talk?..

Comment #3

Thanks so much, Beverly, for your honest assessment.  I did actually tell her that her questioning what I thought seemed to indicate that SHE questioned this relationship, and that perhaps that in and of itself should give her pause..

I'm not really concerned about the age...my husband is 7 years younger than I am, and it's a non-issue.  What I see as significant is the fact he's 40 and living at home with mom and dad due to immature financial decisions.  My daughter is responsible, has a wonderful job and apartment, and is very self-sufficient, and he apparently shares none of these qualities..

I told her I was disheartened to think she may end up selling herself short on this and compromising, but that if she truly felt that he is "the one" that I would be 100% supportive and kind. ..

Comment #4

I think she got an answer she wasn't looking for from a person she admires and respects. It's going to take some time to sink in for her, I'm sure she'll consider your words but it's hard to hear that you made the wrong choice from someone you know wants the best from you. It's probably best to let this go for now...

Comment #5

I sure hope things work out for the best for all of you.  Congrats on having a "younger" man, lol..

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 .

My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #6

Thank you again, Brigitte.  I wish I had your insight.  My daughter and I have always been so close, so answering her (even with my filter on) was difficult.  In retrospect I wonder if I should have avoided the situation, but it was the elephant in the room.  According to what my husband (my daughter's stepdad) told me, while I was gone yesterday my daughter (knowing I was out) called to talk with him and ask HIM what he thought of an event at which he, my daughter, her boyfriend, his family, and I had been present.  I was surprised by that and wonder if that was yet another "feeling out" kind of conversation.  This event was actually what prompted my "plea for assistance".  My husband's a social worker and counselor, and he had told me that if she asked anything at all that I should be honest yet nonjudgmental but that I shouldn't offer any opinions unless they were solicited.  I, as you can tell I'm sure, have a difficult time hiding my emotions try as I might, so it was inevitable that she'd inquire.  Sigh......

Thanks again for your help.  I'll let you know how it plays out.  Hold a good thought for us..

 ..

Comment #7

Okay..no teeth...but...does he speak in full sentences? hehe  I used to joke around with a woman named Connie at one place of employment and we joked around about hoping  that our loves would have their teeth and speak in full sentences.  Connie was/is funny and very witty..

If you try to build a wedge between your daughter and this guy it will push her into his arms all the more..

Does she plan on marrying the guy or is this just a nice relationship (thru Match.com) for her to have for now? I can understand why she has scaled down her criteria (in your eyes) - the pickings have been slim for her up until now.  Maybe this guy can help boost her selfesteem so that she can then have the confidence to be a little more choosey. That is if she perceives it that way.  If she feels that this guy treats her right and demonstrates love to her then she may not want to budge..

Good luck...

Comment #8

Thanks for your words...I see the theme is that if I say too much it'll push her right at him.  It seems as though she'd like to start registering for china, but when I said something to her she then backpedaled a bit and said she realizes that she's only been dating (online dating with Match.com) him for 2 months..

I just asked my husband what he thought of my talking to her about all this, and he said he thinks I needed to do it if for no other reason than it would give her a little bit of "eye opening" thought about this and maybe help her see things without rose-colored glasses.  He also said that, with all things said, if she still thinks that this man is the one to whom she's supposed to be married, then we will accept that 100% with nary another naysaying word..

And full sentences??  Well, a LOT of fragments...hahahahaha......

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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