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Is Yahoo! Dating the same as Match.com?

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My first question is: Is Yahoo! Dating the same as Match.com?.

My next question is: Hi everyone,.

I was inspired by the What Not to Do thread and a conversation with a friend recently and decided to ask for your opinions on another generic question without going too deep into a specific situation..

In a non-committed relationship (thru Match.com) when you're still just dating (online dating with Match.com) does it work to request the person you're dating (online dating with Match.com) to do something more as opposed to do something less or not do something? I hear left and right that if you're not comfortable with something, then you should state your discomfort and ask for what you need. But how do you ask someone you're just dating (online dating with Match.com) to spend more time with you or to be in touch with you more often or to reply to your text messages or to be closer with you in public instead of avoiding you at parties? A guy friend told me yesterday that a girl should make such requests only if she wants the guy to dump her or not become her boyfriend in the first place. He also said that people contact each other (and do other things like the ones mentioned above) only as often as they feel comfortable with, and if that's not enough for either of them and the person who is uncomfortable cannot adapt, then it means they're incompatible, and it's not fair to ask your dating (online dating with Match.com) partner to solve YOUR problem.  .

I hope I made my question clear enough. Please let me know what you think and thanks to everyone in advance for offering their two cents!..

Comments (14)

Your question was: Is Yahoo! Dating the same as Match.com?.

In a non-committed relationship (thru Match.com) when you're still just dating (online dating with Match.com) does it work to request the person you're dating (online dating with Match.com) to do something more as opposed to do something less or not do something? Im sorry I just dont understand this question. .

But how do you ask someone you're just dating (online dating with Match.com) to spend more time with you or to be in touch with you more often or to reply to your text messages or to be closer with you in public instead of avoiding you at parties?  Dont bother because they are not interested in spending more time with you..

He also said that people contact each other (and do other things like the ones mentioned above) only as often as they feel comfortable with, and if that's not enough for either of them and the person who is uncomfortable cannot adapt, then it means they're incompatible, and it's not fair to ask your dating (online dating with Match.com) partner to solve YOUR problem.  Simply put that means one of them is not interested in taking the "relationship" any further, so it's time to cut your losses if you want more out of any relationship (thru Match.com) than you are getting..

I hope this helps as I found your post very confusing.  I feel as though you are avoiding stating what the real problem is..

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Comment #1

Dear yankee-n-sc,.

Thank you for the reply and sorry the post was so confusing as I tried to make it as clear as I could! Your answers were right on though..

Just to clarify, I meant can you ask for what you need when you're just dating, i.e. not in a relationship (thru Match.com) yet? And if yes, can you ask for more of something, such as contact, affection, time, etc or all of this should only be given freely, without you having to ask?.

Thanks again! ..

Comment #2

In all of my experiences, you don't usually have to ask someone for a relationship (thru Match.com) - if you're both interested in it, 95% of the time it just kind of happens, or you both make it clear that you want to be exclusive without having to ask.But if you feel you DO have to ask because you're not sure what he thinks... You should only have to ask once. That is very important.I would bring it up this way: "I really like spending time with you, I think things are going well between us and I wanted to let you know I'm not interested in seeing anyone else."He'll either react by indicating that he feels the same, or he won't. Either way your question is answered...

Comment #3

Of course you "can" askyou can do whatever you want to!  But it's unlikely to be successful, because there's no commitment to the relationship (thru Match.com) and therefore no real reason to work on things..

Plus, I agree with the second part of what your friend saidthis is how you determine if you're compatible enough to get into a relationship, by observing his behavior now.  Of course you "can" ask for morebut if he's not already doing it, it's because he doesn't want to and/or that's not how he is..

Sheri..

Comment #4

For the most part, the guy gives you what he is comfortable giving you or wants to give you.  If you want more from him then you can most certainly ask him and you will not know the outcome until it happens. There are men who are afraid of scaring girls off and hold back a bit because they have dated women who didnt want calls everyday and told these men that they were clingy.  These men were just dating (online dating with Match.com) the wrong woman because if two people feel the same way about each other and want to place their relationship (thru Match.com) in  similar priority then it just flows...

Comment #5

This is a bit confusing.  I gather that you're dating (online dating with Match.com) once in awhile, but he ignored you at a party, and also he does not respond promptly to your text messages?  Is he the one asking you out when you do date?  What happened when he ignored you at the party?  I mean, did you look at him from across the room and wonder why he didn't come over to you?  Or did you go up to him and then he ignored you and went off and did something else? .

It seems like he might be a bit young, so his flakiness is more attributable to that.  So there's a part of him that likes you and will ask you out and there's a part of him that wants to be independent and tough.  I don't think that you should ask him to spend more time with you, if he is a bit young.  The flackiness is coming naturally to him.  But you could always try to be more pro-active and increase the frequency of communication by calling or texting him more often.  Don't hound him, of course, and if he doesn't respond in kind after a few tries you'll have to get the hint.  But until then, just as a natural part of the day, call or tm him once in awhile.   Maybe he doesn't respond and then you know he's really staying casual.  But maybe he does respond and increase the time together.  It's worth a try. ..

Comment #6

Dear m_kiera, thank you for the reply and sorry my message was a bit confusing (if I can't make it clear enough to you, then it might be a sign that I'm as confusing to him)..

We've dated on and off for about 1,5 months. We're both 25. Whenever we meet each other to spend time together, 95% of the time it's initiated by him. I tried to initiate things a couple times but I didn't have the feeling that he was very excited about it so I try not to do it too often (once in a while I will ask him to casual lunch or remind casually that we were planning dinner, but that's it). What happened at the party was that he talked to me for about 3 min before some other people came in and he turned around and went off with them. Later I joined him in a conversation with other people and felt that he was uncomfortable when I was casually touching him and standing close to him.

The next day I sent him a text message and a chat message to which he didn't reply. When I saw him still the next day and asked about it, he said the following: "I saw your text but as I was lying down for a nap, as soon as I put my finger on the reply button I fell asleep. And later I forgot about it. Sorry. As for the chat message, I replied but you were already offline".

The thing is that I didn't say bye to him as I was leaving the party letting another guy give me a ride home (because I was frustrated with his behavior and because I wasn't sure he would even notice I was not there), and I thought that maybe he was upset about it and that's why didn't reply to my messages. However, when I inquired about that, he said that he wasn't upset, which to me once again showed that he didn't care. He's also very non-committal about everything, as in he is reluctant to tell when we would see each other next time and never makes any plans..

I wanted to talk to him about it but I'm not sure if I'm not being too demanding or overthinking things or overreacting. When I do eventually have that conversation with him, if things go well and it would make sense to even talk about spending more time together, do you think I could ask him if he feels comfortable when I take the initiative?  ..

Comment #7

 One thing that I tell people all the time is to be careful about the things OTHER people tell you. I know this 'guy' friend of yours means well, it's just that if this guy hasn't had GREAT r-ships, I'm not sure if he's someone I would take advice from. Only take advice from people that have or DO the things that you desire. You'll never get rich from someone that's poor, so never take financial advice from poor people..

 Another thing, if you're 'dating' someone you're IN a r-ship. It may not be a "committed" r-ship, but it IS a r-ship. Imagine if you needed something from a friend; would you be able to ask them for what you need? I'm sure you would, the only difference with your story here, is that it's with some guy. There's no difference whether it's someone standing in line at the bank, or some guy you're "newly" dating. If you have a need that you want fulfilled, how else are you going to have that need fulfilled? YOU HAVE TO ASK..

 I think MOST people think that they're being too pushy, needy, demanding, etc., if they ask for what they need. And MOST people go without having their needs met and are NEVER able to get or BE the things they want, b/c of some fear they have..

 What do YOU think would happen if you asked him what you needed? What are the thoughts that are running through your brain when you think of asking him for something? I'm curious to learn more about how you think..

 ..

Comment #8

You say he initiates 95% of the time but <<I didn't have the feeling that he was very excited about it so I try not to do it too often>>.  Of course I'm not there to see if you're right but these two things combined together make it seem like you're perhaps being overly sensitive and over-thinking how he's responding.  You like him.  He likes you.  But currently, he's doing all the work.  Why not increase your confidence and become more comfortable taking the initiative.   If you feel like calling him or text messaging him or e-mailing him, just do it, just like you would any other good friend.  Think of something fun to do and invite him along.  Call him..

As to asking him for permission to take the initiative, I think doing is better than asking.  Plus, that question seems like a realtionship talk and at only 1.5 months into the dating, you may be a little early for the relationship (thru Match.com) talk.  I did that once, tried to have the relationship (thru Match.com) talk too soon.  It went something like this.Me:  "What do you think?" (or some such thing).   Him:  "I'm interested in seeing see where this goes."   Now that answer did me a lot of good.   The relationship (thru Match.com) talk too soon lands you right back to where you started.    .

So, I would suggest, don't talk about it, just do it.  When you feel like calling, call him up and see how he's doing.  If you have an empty evening, invite him to do something.  Tell yourself you'll meet him half way.  More than half-way, when you're initiating everything, then you can get nervous.  But now, take the bull by the horns and have confidence!  It's worth a shot.  Good luck. ..

Comment #9

Wnen you first meet and start dating (online dating with Match.com) it's true you can't make any demands and should try to limit your expecatations but you can let the person know you enjoy spending time with them and look forward to it. On the other hand you don't want to leave big blocks of time open hoping he'll ask you out.  Let him see you have a busy social life and if he doesn't step up to the plate your dance card for the week will be full. .

,..

Comment #10

Kat.....

You deserve to date using Match.com someone that WANTS to spend more time with you and initates that.  You obviously like him more and want to spend more time with him  because you like him so much.  He is ok with how it is, otherwise he would initiate more contact. .

So I guess you need to think about if he is the right guy for you at this time in your life as I am hearing that you would like more then a casual relationship.   That guy is out there for you, just have to recognize the ones that do not fit YOUR bill.

Good luck...be strong....listen to your red flags...

Comment #11

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied, you all offered me great advice! Sorry I haven't been able to respond sooner having fallen sick with a bad cold.

I actually had a talk with him 4 days ago, and it was not about asking for more already, it was about telling him about my confusion in the relationship (thru Match.com) (ekatie23, thank you for suggesting that whatever we were having could also be called a relationship, it made me more confident :-)). I was soooooo nervous and so sick with anxiety before the talk but it went surprisingly well. He didn't challenge my feelings but apologized for having caused them and told me about how he has not been his usual self because of the various problems and uncertain situations in his life and how he's probably leaving the town soon and was afraid to get close to me. He also told me that he might have acted awkward around me because he sometimes felt intimidated by me. So while I didn't get to practice asking for more in a non-committed relationship, I think this was an important act as I feel like I broke through what previously seemed to be a stone wall to me. It definitely gave me some peace of mind, and I don't have to be confused and wondering about his motives anymore, I hope. I hope to keep things strictly friendly between us now. .

Also to comment on some other things ekatie23 said above, you're very right about listening only to people who are doing well in the area they offer advice in, and my friend hasn't been in a relationship (thru Match.com) for about 8 years. On my exact problem with asking him for what I needed, I just couldn't imagine how I would phrase my request exactly because I didn't know where he stood and what he felt. I could probably see how I could ask him to not do something or do something less (although even that would have been tough seeing that people aren't often willing to work on things in non-committed relationships), but asking for more, even more so for something specific, seemed way harder, especially that I'd already failed to receive what I asked for in a previous relationship (thru Match.com) that was in fact better defined. What would I have said? "I would like more time with you and more of your attention, so let's spend next weekend together and email each other three times a day"? m_kiera is probably right that I should've initiated more myself, and with more confidence and security in the relationship (thru Match.com) I would've done that but anyway this is to see in the next relationship..

Thanks again to everyone and have a great weekend!..

Comment #12

Katia,Sounds as if you have it figured out. I would like to remark upon something you said earlier that is true with any guy, not just this man. He felt uncomfortable having you next to him and casually touching him in front of people he knows. I've dated casually before and when in front of his friends, the man didn't care if it appeared he and I were on a date. If a guy doesn't want others to even consider the possibility, when he and I are out together, that he I and are more than platonic, then I don't call that a date. That's not a guy who is interested in me at all.

What do you think?WT..

Comment #13

Thanks for your comment, WT! (I wrote a reply but then when I went to edit it it just disappeared, so sorry if this is going to be posted twice)..

On that point I was confused as well. Just a few days before it looked to me like he was going in the direction of making our relationship (thru Match.com) more public (mind you, he only broke up with his long-distance girlfriend about 1,5 months ago). For instance, he touched my knee and held his hand there for a few seconds in front of our two mutual friends, then asked me to dress up as a Halloween angel for him as he was not going to be in town for the holida, then I spent a night at his place, with his two housemates who are also in our circle of friends seeing me there. Even before then, he once held me at a party for a few minutes, not in everyone's face but still those who cared to look could see it (or maybe I'm just deceiving myself as that was what I wanted to believe...). Anyway, I thought that maybe some people are not into PDA or need to be sure about the relationship (thru Match.com) before they can make it public like that...I probably would've called it a day too if this hadn't been going on for 1,5 months and I became too emotionally involved to let it go easily. You know how easy it is to justify something that you don't like by reasoning that everyone is different and has different standards of behavior and maybe I'm too impatient or demanding, etc etc etc if you're really interested in the relationship.....

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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