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Is this harsh??

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Of course, I invite anyone to reply, but I'd like to say Hi Snaf!! This is sort of a reply to her last post to me... How are you doing? I said that he proves himself everytime because he just does the proper thing when he messes up. He doesn't even wait an entire day... he calls/comes to see me right away, apologizes and corrects himself. He doesn't really repeat his mistakes. He is really amazing.

It's a little scary, but exciting, you know? I'm also aware in that, I know when you're in love with someone you will tend to overlook things, but I've not done that. I have let him know when his behavior is unacceptable to me. If you let people get away with stuff, then they'll know they can treat you a certain way (i.e., like crap - ha!). In fact, have I done this *too* much? Cause now I know I've said a few times to him that when people have done x-y-z to me, I just cut them off and don't speak to them ever again. And when I say that to him, I don't mean to be mean or threatening..

Should I stop saying that to him...? Am I overthinking now? When I tell him that I cut people off this is not a lie. I really do this. I guess I say this to him to let him know that I don't put up with crap. The reason I think I feel compelled to lay this down with him is because his previous girlfriend was obsessed with him and just let him act like an ass - she forgave him everytime. I want to let him know that I am *not* her and if he acts like that with me I have no problem cutting him off *like that* (in a snap!).

He was snapping at me and just kind of rude. He was like, um yah, I'm busy right now. Blah! What-ever! I was like oh, okay whatever then. So we hung up and I turned my phone off. The next day when I turned it on there were texts apologizing and then he called me.

He said sorry, he was busy with his friends. I was like, listen, I don't care if you're busy - that's ok by me! But you don't have to be an ass! Just say hey sugar, I'm doing x-y-z right now, talk to you tomorrow ok? I'm totally fine with that! I was like, next time, just be nicer about relating your busy-ness!..

Comments (28)

Your question was: Is this harsh??.

As far as you being harsh...it can sound harsh, depending on the delivery. I think your actions speak louder than your words here...so I would just focus on making sure that if he disrespects you to say something. When I have cut people out of my life, it is always for a good reason...like they repeatedly do things to hurt me or they do one big thing to me that speaks volumes about their character - it is usually based on their character and their potential to do destruction to my life. Most people could care less if someone cut them out of their lives so they never learn and they stay the way they are - which means that the cycle repeats itself.I wouldn't tell a guy that I could cut him off in a second...I never did...because after a while it sounds like "blah blahb blah" to them - empty threats. Putting your money where your mouth is...is far more effective. So the answer is "yes" maybe you should quit while you are ahead."I want to let him know that I am *not* her and if he acts like that with me I have no problem cutting him off *like that* (in a snap!)." again, your actions will paint a different picture to him.

I don't know your reasons, but I do it to protect myself from danger - because I know that I am the only one, when push comes to shove,who has ever really been there for me or cared for me. It has always only been *me* who cares about me - everyone else talks a good talk, but that's about it."just be nicer about relating your busy-ness!" I totally agree with you, men need to learn how to talk to women. He may kiss his mother with that nasty mouth, but dont ever speak to me like that with that mouth. How you would speak to her with that "attitude" like we are bothering you or embarassing you in front of your friends...just because you, Mr. Wonderful, don't want to look whipped in front of your friends.

And if, for some reason, I embarrass you, for whatever reason that has nothing to do with any uncool behavior on my part, I will be very happy to step aside to make room for someone else to stand by your side."I said that he proves himself everytime because he just does the proper thing when he messes up. He doesn't even wait an entire day... he calls/comes to see me right away, apologizes and corrects himself. He doesn't really repeat his mistakes. He is really amazing.

It's a little scary, but exciting, you know." good, he doesn't repeat his mistakes... that is a good sign. We all make mistakes out of ignorance because we dont' automatically know someone's pet peeves or quirks. But after a while, that bit of "getting to know/learn you" should subside. You sound very happy...

Comment #1

Now that I think about it, maybe I do have trust issues afterall *sigh* Argh, I hate admitting that. Cause he tells me that I need to believe in him more. I guess I'm on guard alot. I have my defenses up alot so that if I'm let down, it won't be so bad?It sucks. Like he was supposed to e-mail me today, and he hasn't so I'm like, what's the f-ing deal? I'm not important enough to you? I would never ever say that to him, but I think it, you know? (lol). Blah, I hate this.Yah, and now I do feel bad about mentioning the cutting people off stuff..

I feel like I'm going to blow this somehow. And then when I think that, I think, well, he should be thinking the same thing because he's blown me off twice and then was rude to me the other day on the phone when he was "busy" hanging out with friends! Ahhh.. help me, Snaf!..

Comment #2

<<I guess I'm on guard alot. I have my defenses up alot so that if I'm let down, it won't be so bad?>>You either are on guard or you aren't. Telling yourself it won't be so bad is really the letdown - because fact is people WILL let you down, hurt you and otherwise disappoint you - just as YOU will do them. THis is part of being human and relating to others. Stop holding him or others responsible for things they had no part of. Have you ever considered how those people you've 'cut-off' have felt about you? Don't you think they were deeply hurt, disappointed and let down by YOU?So trying to protect yourself from what is inevitable is foolish and really only keeps you from enjoying the good stuff - you can't see the sunshine if you never open your eyes.<<Like he was supposed to e-mail me today, and he hasn't so I'm like, what's the f-ing deal? I'm not important enough to you? I would never ever say that to him, but I think it, you know? (lol).

Hon, you should do both of you a favor and end the relationship (thru Match.com) before too much damage is done - you don't trust yourself to see what is real and what is not and you don't trust him to respect you or to tell him what you really feel. No trust = no relationship.<<I do feel bad about mentioning the cutting people off stuff.. cause I think I've said it three or four times on different occasions.>>Cutting people off is an immature and ineffective way to handle conflict. YOu've said it to him a few times because that is how you'll likely handle a conflict with him - you won't. You'll run from it.

<I feel like I'm going to blow this somehow. And then when I think that, I think, well, he should be thinking the same thing because he's blown me off twice and then was rude to me the other day on the phone when he was "busy" hanging out with friends! >>Whatever you think is what you tend to create in your life - you are focusing on all the negatives that 'he' is or isn't doing or how you will blow it, etc - and then you both resort to game playing - avoidance - for the smallest slights - I'd say it's highly probable thatit won't work - because you don't know how to communicate to each other in an adult and effective manner. Avoiding conflicts do not make them go away - they get postponed - until hte conflict is so huge that you completely throw the relationship (thru Match.com) away. Wouldn't it be nice to know how to deal with conflicts effectively so that you don't keep losing friends? Wouldn't it be nice to not worry about 'blowing it' because you;ve learned how to openly and honestly share your feelings and what you want and expect from others?Hon, until you learn to communicate in an adult manner and work through conflicts productively, then your relationships will be one conflict after another - and you'll have a trail of 'cut-off' bodies in your wake. This is on you to correct.

This is the pain you really wish to avoid - you are letting yourself down - so you tell me - is 'not so bad' allowing you happiness in your life?.

Toni..

Comment #3

I don't really have any anger or resentment, so that's that with that one... Um, definitely about the tests. Tests they don't know about. It's unfair. Communication... I mean, we're pretty good at it.

As for me cutting people off... I give two chances usually and then that's it. I just don't put up with crap cause I've taken so much of it. I'm done with that. If I'm cutting someone off, they deserved it.

I don't think that's immature. That's just getting rid of negative energy that I don't ned in my life.The stuff with my boyfriend.. God, I dunno.. pure insecurity on my part, I guess. I don't even know.

Yah. Trust is hard, you know. I know, people are human and hurt each other, etc... I just need to deal. Gotcha..

Comment #4

<<I give two chances usually and then that's it. I just don't put up with crap cause I've taken so much of it. I'm done with that. If I'm cutting someone off, they deserved it. >>Are you clearly communicating that they've done something offensive to you and told them exactly what you need from them so it doesn't happen again? Unless you are doing this, then there is no way someone will know to not do it again. And it's inevitable that they will.

There is no need to 'put up wiht crap' when you are communicating well - because the results of your communication is in the response you get - and if it's not what you want, you didn't communicate it well.

Toni..

Comment #5

I've jut been abused by a couple of guys and then a couple of friends. I let them know what wasn't working, their behavior didn't change, but I still forgave and stayed in it. I don't do that anymore...

Comment #6

... oh BTW, it is also doesn't make sense to put it all on your communication... if they don't change their behavior it's more likely not because I didn't communicate what was wrong well.. They hear it, understand it, but just don't change...

Comment #7

"I have my defenses up alot so that if I'm let down, it won't be so bad?" yup."I'm not important enough to you? I would never ever say that to him, but I think it, you know? (lol)." perfectly normal to think whatever you want to think."cause I think I've said it three or four times on different occasions. I feel like I'm going to blow this somehow" you probably caught it in time.If he doesn't send you an email by tomorrow evening, you can send him an email asking how he is doing. Since you know you keep your guard up and have possibly come across as harsh, you might want to counteract this by lightening up a bit around him so that you both just focus on love and fun and/or loving fun, hehe. If he knows he'll have a good time with you - be it sex or just light hearted humor or tv watching or doing something he's wanted todo for a while, then maybe his attitude will lighten too.I am a little different than you in that I keep those volatile emotions to myself. I have learned to do that over the years because I have seen that opening that raw part of my heart and letting them see pain inside of me doesnt accomplish anything. Not sure if it is because of the men I dated or married or it is because of a something else that whirled around me for many years - an ambush by a group of people and that is what they wanted me to feel - alone in my hurt - the hurt of not having someone to care about what pain I feel or dont feel.

The bad news is that the emotions have nowhere to go and they linger inside of me for a while..which is not healthy for me or the relationship. But what do you do? If he sees you getting emotional - he turns off inside. There's no winning here. I can vent to anyone or just cry alone at home, and while that's temporary relief - it is not like addressing it with the person who caused the pain. And because of raw emotional build up, when I decide I have had ENOUGH ...then it's OVER and the guy may feel like he doesn't know what hit him..

Comment #8

I agree with one aspect of what tonitoons said about communicating our disappointments and hurts in an effective way. Like you, I have had the "pleasure" of having friends and men in my life who did not appreciate me in their lives. Like you, I decided that I need not continue with these relationships. In this area I will respectfully disagree with tonitoons because there comes a time that you can't keep forgiving the same b.s. over and over. I don't agree that you did not communicate clearly; I'm sure you did.

That is what creates victimization and further abuse. Taking responsibility for your life is different from TAKING IT ON and when you take responsibility for your life, it does mean that you have to know when to fold and walk away. Taking the b.s. on alleviates the abusers of responsibility and it is always because you didn't handle it well that is what guys want us to believe as well as bad psychologists. If you take it all on, you'll eventually collapse because you cant be perfect.

Sometimes it takes a while, especially if you have been a trusting person. The world has changed. It used to be a safe, fun loving place and people have turned it into the "kill or be killed" arena. That is what I see in Florida. Sometimes bad relationships or abusive relationships are experienced because people are just plain s$it...

Comment #9

I wanted to comment on this: "Just say hey sugar, I'm doing x-y-z right now, talk to you tomorrow ok? I'm totally fine with that! I was like, next time, just be nicer about relating your busy-ness." If a guy ever let me feel that I was being blown off without a call just because he couldn't say that it wasn't a good time to communicate but "I'll contact you at a later date", then I would feel that he was treating me in a cruel manner..

Edited 6/13/2007 8:48 pm ET by snafu2006..

Comment #10

I guess I never realized just how defensive I was until now! It's a little disarming for me!I see what you mean about showing the emotional thing. I wanted to share that with him tonight, but haven't heard from him still (!!!), and now maybe I'm glad because you're right, showing the emotional scares them off anywayz.To me, I'm not trying to issue threats but just trying to be direct right off the bat to let him know and show that I don't put up with a-hole behavior. I dunno. I feel like I'm being tested.....

Comment #11

Yah, about that call.. basically I called him and he was just very short with me and snapped at me. I was like, are you excited to see me next week? He goes, Yah I'm kind of busy right now. I was like, oh ok. He goes, I'll call you later. I was like, ok whatever then and he just hung up.

Really, he made me feel unimportant.. he just made me feel... bad! So that's when I turned my phone off. When he called me the next day, I told him I was so proud of all the things he does and how talented I thought he was. I said I am fine with him being busy, I don't care about that, but he doesn't have to be an a-hole about it! He can nicely say, "hey, I'm doing this talk to you tomorrow babe..." He was like, yah, I'm sorry, I'll try to be nicer next time.....

Comment #12

"I feel like I'm being tested..." - that's not good halle...what's up?"To me, I'm not trying to issue threats but just trying to be direct right off the bat to let him know and show that I don't put up with a-hole behavior." my comment about threats was not in response to you or your behavior but ... that women do that too often and then they eat humble pie because they never follow through and guy gets to keep treating them like crap."I guess I never realized just how defensive I was until now! It's a little disarming for me!" don't sweat it. Just be aware of what triggers you so you can eventually deal with the underlying emotion or events that create that defensiveness. I know that if a guy says he going to call on Thursday and he doesn't...that means that he cannot be trusted to keep his word...so eventually the relationship (thru Match.com) pans out. I would rather not be promised anything than someone's word being broken. Neither scenario is the "right" scenario,but you know what I mean...

Comment #13

"I feel like I'm being tested..." Well, just like you said.. threats will be issued and they're termed threats when you don't follow through. So I feel like I'm being tested to see if I follow through, which WOW is quite a gamble! So maybe he's not really doing this. So we're apart for these two weeks and I wanted to take the train back to our home city where we both live. He is an expert on train scheds, more so than me anyway, and last night on the phone he offered to e-mail me train stuff today. That's why I mentioned e-mail earlier..

And it was *his* idea too! I was like aw, thanks honey, how sweet of you! But then nothing. Haven't heard from him today at all. Tried calling him a bunch of times for half an hour. Sent two texts. Nothing..

Comment #14

Is he out of town on work or play?..

Comment #15

Nope, I'm the one out-of-town visiting my family. He is in our home city. He works long hours and then has many hobbies (music and sports)...

Comment #16

"Really, he made me feel unimportant.. he just made me feel... bad!" I know, I would feel the same way. Especially when you can't see him for a while longer...it hurts more.Sometimes I think that just because we agree to date using Match.com someone it means that they stop treating us nicely because they don't feel that they have to anymore...because we like them. It goes along the same lines of them getting fat and lazy. Men don't like to put much work in any relationship (thru Match.com) they have.

I edited my above post because it didn't read correctly. Sometimes guys will just hang you up and not call to say that they can't talk right now. Okay, that's TWO calls they have to make instead of one...but that is the difference between a guy and a guy who knows the language of women. Any guy who would not contact me and allow me to feel pain over it instead of letting me know he plans on contacting me...is cruel. I'm not sure I could trust someone like that with my heart..

Comment #17

What a sucky vacation you have now. Is he disgruntled because you are out of town?..

Comment #18

LOL I'm actually having a good time. I don't allow his drama to get me down in other areas, thankfully. I am able to separate I don't think he's disgruntled. I think he's doing a bunch of stuff and neglecting me. I know I'm away, and I don't need to talk to him for hours or anything but how about keep in touch, jeez! Like I said, this is our first time apart so, I dunno. But even when I was there he was saying things like I needed to believe in him more, etc and we were having the issue with him blowing me off (ignoring me, not calling me to say he was too busy at work to hang out later)...The thing is, I don't feel that guys can really plead ignorant here.

15! LOL But beyond that, they KNOW that we want them to call, you know? Like, he knows he should've called me today but he didn't... Why? Who knows. I guess he could be thinking, well what's the big deal. But if he sees missed calls from me, he should call me back. You're right, it seems so intentional, the whole pulling away thing....

Comment #19

"Any guy who would not contact me and allow me to feel pain over it instead of letting me know he plans on contacting me...is cruel. I'm not sure I could trust someone like that with my heart. But that is one of my idiosyncracise"I love this post by you. You're right, you know.. trusting someone with your heart is so special and such a big deal. It's one of the ultimate things.

I lay everything out on the table and really have made myself vulnerable because I let him know my feelings. Now I feel like I'm being kicked. Not cool!..

Comment #20

"Just cause they know/think we'll take it? Etc..." pretty much. If he continues to be unreliable, then I don't blame you for wanting it to end..no matter how much you care. Have you ever thought of expressing to him that when he does this stuff (the blowing off, the MIA) that you feel that you can't rely on him. He tells you to believe in him, yet his behavior has not earned him that trust. He needs to understand that his behavior is what is creating the tension. People always like to say, "oh but if you trust him...." yeah...they can stick it.

A person's behavior does contribute to how that person is perceived. So if he wants you to believe in him...he has to demonstrate that he is worthy of that from you...

Comment #21

<<In this area I will respectfully disagree with tonitoons because there comes a time that you can't keep forgiving the same b.s. over and over. I don't agree that you did not communicate clearly; I'm sure you did. To put the entire onus onto you or me is ridiculous. >>Actually, no where did I say you should forgive and forgive and forgive the same BS over and over and just take it. That is ridiculous.

I also did not say she 'wasn't' communicating clearly - I asked if she was - because communication is judged by the response you get. It wasn't clear to me that she was. Yes, there are times when you end associations because the people do not want to do what is necessary to stay in your good graces. But if you do not tell someone that they've crossed a line and then just next them without explanation - then it's being cowardly. I simply asked questions for the OP to think on - I didnt say or imply that she was responsible for it all or that she should always take someone back into her life - sometimes you just cant because they person doesn't know how to treat you - but she is responsible for her role in every relationship (thru Match.com) she's involved in and she is responsible for her own actions.

Toni..

Comment #22

Yah, see when I bring it up to him along those lines, he just says sorry and that he was busy. He downplays it and says it in a very casual way that makes you feel like, jeez, why'd I make a big deal of it? And of course, I like him, and I'm not trying to be a difficult girlfriend, so I'm like ok, fine, just dont do it again.....

Comment #23

I understand your perspective. I agree that we all need to be responsible for our own actions and the role we play in a relationship (thru Match.com) and it's demise. Usually after a breakup I would take some time to think about how I handled things and if I would have changed anything. Many times though you can communicate that someone hurt you and disappointed you and they dont change...because they dont perceive a problem with themselves or that what they do creates a problem in a relationship...

Comment #24

I called him this morning and he answered the phone. He said he was sleeping last night and that's why he missed my calls. He wrote me an e-mail this morning (before my phone call) saying they were really busy yesterday. On the phone, I told him I had things I wanted to tell him but that I know this wasn't a good time cause he's at work and he was like yah this isn't a good time cause I'm at work. I was like, I just said that! He said he would text me later when he's out. Ok, this guy is f-ing with me!!! I'm so over it!!! At first, I was paranoid about having called so much last night, but I really needed to talk to him and a male friend of mine said that if he saw that many calls from a girl he liked, he wouldn't think she was pressed or crazy but that he'd be excited OR worried and call her back...

And if he isn't either of those then whatever to him then. I'm about done...

Comment #25

Actually - I'm with your BF on this a bit - I HATE it when people call me on my cell, don't leave a message and then call me at home, don't leave a message and then call me on my cell AGAIN and don't leave a message or they leave teh same message on each of them - but only allowing a short time in between each call. THAT is INSANELY annoying. I, like everyone else, have a life. If it's urgent, you leave a message - all this calling and calling and calling without doing so is more of a 'need' to get a reply - and it's not cute and it's not exciting - it's narcissistic. When a normally rational and reasonable person does this - then yes, I'd think something is wrong - but I also would know because they leave a message to taht extent and they tend to allow others time to respond at their convenience and don't think twice about it. I have 2 people in my life who call like this - and it's not about anything other than THEY need me to reply to them RIGHT THEN regardless of what I'm doing.

How is he messing with you? What is he supposed to do - blow off his job to deal with your issues? There is a time and place for everythign - work is WORK and personal discussions have no place there. Hon, based on your posts, it seems that you have a lot of 'shoulds' and expectations of others that, may or may not be well communicated, I don't get the feeling they are due to all the conflict you seem to keep having. When they aren't met or you don't like how things are going - you toss it aside. Whether this is an accurate assessment or not - it's what my impression is. The common denominator in anyone's relationships is themself - and if they are having the same things happen over and over - then it is they who have the issue and difficulty in relating, communicating and dealing with others..

Toni..

Comment #26

Actually, I was the one who said he was at work and that we should talk later - not him. I'm not retarded or unreasonable. I'm going through some stuff right now that he knows about and I feel that he's being unavailable and insensitive at a delicate time for me.Yah, we all have lives, but if he needed me I'd be there and it doesn't take much to reassure someone (at least me). Whereas he waits until the entire next day. I think he just doesn't care, so whatever...

Comment #27

"The common denominator in anyone's relationships is themself - and if they are having the same things happen over and over - then it is they who have the issue and difficulty in relating, communicating and dealing with others." many years ago I would have just agreed with you and left it as that. But, in the last 5 years I have learned something that I would like to include with an overall agreement with your statement. If you ever saw the movie "The Game" with Michael Douglas, thenyou saw a bunch of people in his life gang up on him and put him through a horrible life experiment...just to "humble" him. They made sure to vandalize his house, change out his briefcase key, have waitresses dump food or drink on him basically destabilize the ground he walked on. This happened to me too. I would have never thought that anything like could happen outside of a movie, but it has happened to me and others I knew - by the same group of people.

But...they make sure to get everyone to read from something like a script and they have "rule books" etc. It is very sick and I hope to soon put these guys behind bars and I commited my support to another woman I knew who got caught in their web with testimony so that she could sue them too. I didn't know what was happening at the time they pulled her life out from under her, but I did inadvertently witness alot. So I hope I get to help her out as well. NOt something you want to read about on this board, but something to keep in mind as a possibility as to why someone's life could be cycling over and over with the same garbage..

Comment #28


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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