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Is there anybody on yahoo today thats over 30 and had success on sites like match.com etc.?

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My first question is: Is there anybody on yahoo today thats over 30 and had success on sites like match.com etc.?.

My next question is: Hi! SO....I found lubricant on the ground by the computer desk and joking around asked my boyfriend, "Were you masturbating to something you found on the computer?" He laughed and I realized he did.

I'm not upset by the fact that he was masturbating, I know it's normal and healthy, and that there's no way, or reason a guy should stop. I don't live with him, (we'll be moving in together later in summer), but we have been together for a long time. WE don't get to have sex as often as we both would like..

I'm honestly most weirded out by the fact that he was probably looking at another girl. I confronted him and told him the issue made me feel a little uneasy, but now I can't get it out of my mind..

I'm a sexual person but I have had some problems with sex itself. I was sexually abused when I was younger and have never fully recovered. I also heard my parents having sex when I was younger and have still not shaken the image. I'm also a rare bread, I have never ever masturbated; most people think I'm weird, but it's normal for me..

Like I said, I think the thought of him looking at another girl bothers me most. I'm not going to ask him to stop, I just need some help cooping with the thought of it. I can't get it out of my head! I feel unpretty and inaequate. I know he thinks I'm beautiful but, I'm afraid that now I will have some problems getting it out of my head when the two of us are being intimate..

Please help me coop with this! Thank you..

Edited 2/19/2008 7:14 pm ET by lilred_one.

Peace and above all, Love,.

 .

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi.

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there..

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen Degeneres..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Is there anybody on yahoo today thats over 30 and had success on sites like match.com etc.?.

What did he say when you confronted him? Was he looking at a woman or at people having sex?.

I'm of the philosphy that the less you know about things like this...who he fantasizes about, asking questions about his sexual past, partners, acts....the better off you are..

I know you felt the need to confront him about it because it hurt you, but now you have a thought you cant get out of your head. .

I know you said you dont masturbate - so you should know that not all people fantasize about the person with whom they are dating (online dating with Match.com) all the time.  Women probably do fantasize about their BF moreso than men fantasize about their GF - unfair- but a fact of life.  I can understand your feelings about not feeling pretty and inadequate because I'm sure he'd feel a little sting in the ego dept too if the situation was reversed..

This latest development is probably compounded by the fact that you have been violated sexually in the past.  If you find that you cant shake this and it derails your relationship (thru Match.com) you could go to counseling to learn how to cope and to see if your past really has an effect on you this way now.  Women who have not been violated sexually have similar reactions as you so dont jump to conclusions that your victimization is impacting your feelings...

Comment #1

Hi lilred_one.

Welcome to the board!!.

I understand how you feel.  My ex husband liked to do something similar and I totally felt like I was inadequate.  I just couldn't compete with what was online!!.

We were never able to resolve this.  Snafu makes a good point - that if the roles were reserved that he would feel some ego pain.  Have you asked him how'd he feel if the roles were reserved? .

Talk to someone about how you feel about sex.  Sex is supposed to be a normal part of life.  God made us this way and we should enjoy it..

Best wishes,.

Kristie.

 .

           ..

Comment #2

Thanks ladies, for at least trying to help me..

When I confronted him, I was crying and I told him how it made me feel. I, frankly, like you said Snafu, would rather not know what he was looking at. I did however tell him that a video would make me a lot more uncomfortable than a photo; even more so if it were 2 girls or a man and a woman, but I dont think his computer is fast enough to even partially download a video. I didnt figure he needed visual stimulation. I know he wasnt looking at a petite redhead with freckles like me. The porn-types just gross me out.

I dont know too much about his sexual past because I choose not to. Knowing that kind of stuff makes me feel like how Im feeling now..

Anyway, he told me he would never do it again, but I told him that was not what I was asking. I know there is no way he could stop and no reason he should. He told me Im the only one he ever wants to have sex with, but I just feel really bad. I mentioned how it would feel if it was reversed, but I dont think he quite got it. I think because I dont masturbate, he just thinks it's impossible so why even think about that.

I just told him, Im not sure what to do. I told him Im having a really hard time trying to forget. I have been really happy because he is what makes me sane. I havent had to go therapy for over a year, but I just feel so bad about this that I think I might have to go back. I hate going to therapy because I feel like there is something wrong with me though.

I dont know, I just feel like Ive been cheated on..

Peace and above all, Love,.

 .

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi.

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there..

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen Degeneres..

Comment #3

Since you dont know for sure what he was looking at, I'd try to move on from there. You have already told him how you feel about it and I'm sure he will do what it takes to make you happy..

It sounds like you need a stiff ego boost more than anything else - does he ever compliment you?  Are you guys still romantic with each other?  He has to like petite redheads with freckles because he is dating (online dating with Match.com) YOU, right? .

Just so you know - all of this amazon chick cr*p that the media likes to play with...is just cr*p.  Men have told me time and time again (not just men I would date using Match.com either) that men really like petite women better.  Even really tall guys told me that too.  All of the messages that women get are to cover up the freckles with make up, get really skinny, grow orangutan arms so you can wear the latest styles (the arms are always too tight and too long - what kind of freak did they make these clothes for ? - that's right - a monkey).  So show off your freckles, enjoy being petite and enjoy your hair color because I'm sure he does...

Comment #4

 .

Ya, I've thought about it and I really don't think I want to go to therapy for this. I'm going to just try to forget. Lately I haven't had as much to do as I normally do and that definitely sends the mind wandering..

He does complliment me a lot. I have a little bit of low self-esteem so maybe that's it. It's more like: How can such a great person chose me of all people? I just don't want to be compared to the internet porn girls..

Thanks for the ego boost as well. I try not to pay attention to what the media tells us, but I definitely think peers had an effect back in school days. I even tried to get my freckles laser-removed one time. Now, I enojy and embrace them because they are different and I don't see that kind of thing in the media too much.

It's going to be really hard to let it all slide. I'm going to try my hardest. Wihs me luck..

Peace and above all, Love,.

 .

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi.

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there..

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -Ellen Degeneres..

Comment #5

Hey Lil Red,.

 .

I had a boyfriend that looked at nude pics of goth girls a LOT. He had bookmarked several pages. It hurt bc I was not and am not a goth girl. I had blonde hair, petite like you, etc. I was talking to me brother about it, and he said that it's harmless for the most part. Guys tend to look at girls that are unlike what they have, it's part of the fantasizing.

It still pissed me off and made me feel bad, and I wish I would have said something, so kudos to you for saying something..

Oh, and I'm also a redhead now, too, and I love it! Take care!.

Gal Blondie..

Comment #6

Wandering minds do get everyone into trouble at times, dont they? hehehe.

Hey, that's great that he does compliment you. I'm sure you do feel lucky about that if you have ever taken the time to read some of the other posts on this board - there are women who never get compliments or only get negative feedback..

I can understand your feelings - no one likes being compared to someone else. Men dont like it either.  The issue that really does affect everyone (men and women alike) is that there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more talented out there who our SO could want to date. .

The trick to getting through life is just accepting that concept - people need to make peace with the fact that there are other people who do possess traits/features we wish we could have.  And it helps if you accept that not all relationships are meant to last forever.  If you dont accept those concepts then you'll always be waiting for the axe to fall.  Then, if you always wait for the axe to fall...your behaviors will soon mirror that emotion or fear.  Then, if your behaviors change or become defensive or insecure...chances are that you *could* become less desirable to your SO.  Thus...creating a future you fear most. .

I'm sure your freckles are cute and dont laser them off.  I wouldnt laser anything off these days and I wouldnt go to a center that has a nurse practitioner operating the laser. That person is not board certified in plastic surgery - too many horror stories out there..

Out of curiousity, you said "It's more like: How can such a great person chose me of all people? "  - Why do you think you feel this way?  Do you feel that he is superior to you?  I can understand the concept because sometimes I look at couples and I wonder what one sees in the other...but just wondering how you came to that conclusion..

 ..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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