Is there a way not to appear online when I check

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My first question is: Is there a way not to appear online when I check

My next question is: So, I met a great guy. He makes lots of money LOTS! He has a home and a lake home and his own business and is very nice and generous. I was in the process of finalizing my divorce when we met and didn't want to jump into anything too quickly. We have gone out a few times and he calls about twice a week. It has been 10 months since divorce so I am feeling ready to move on. Problem is....I had put off this rich guy and he was patient, but I turned down offers of trips to the lake house for the weekend numerous times.

Well, so things slowed down with him and we are still friends and he still stops by sometimes and we talk. That is guy number one. We will call him RICH guy. He calls me his "future girlfriend" He is 47.A friend of mine 3 months ago introduced me to a great guy we will call Poor Guy. He is cute, sweet, kind, caring, loving, adorable.

We have gone out numerous times in the past 3 months. He is totally smitten with me and is in love with me. He texts, calls, stops by daily. My friend has known him for 15 years and says he is the greatest guy and such a teddy bear. I see this and agree.

Here is my problem. He has no money. He has a job. He also is in a band and makes some extra money on the side, but as far as long term future really nothing. He lives paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have anything extra really after paying his bills.

I told him I can't promise him that I won't date using anyone else. I have been honest with him, but it hurts him deeply. I want to travel and do all sorts of things in the future and just don't see it happening with guy number 2. Got intimate with guy number 2. Very great chemistry there.

He is 44. It bothers me that he doesn't have a lot of drive at his regular job. I don't know.I have my own house and my own money and don't need anyone to support me and my children, but money would be nice. I don't know what to do. Guy number one still calling and asking me to go to the lakehouse but I feel like I am cheating on guy number 2.

I just feel like I wish I could combine the 2 guys into 1. Don't know what to do. Guy number 1 is good too but Guy number 2 is much more into me. Although guy number 1 would probably be if I would let him. Maybe I should dump both guys and find a guy number 3?I know money isn't everything and I don't want to seem petty.

Maybe it is too late. He is so into me and I don't know what to do...

Comments (12)

Your question was: Is there a way not to appear online when I check

If you have doubts about both...then neither one is "it".  But it seems like you might have a nice time with guy #2 - at least he does do something for you inside...he makes you happy on some level...

Comment #1

In reading through your second paragraph, I was struck by your enthusiasm for Guy #2 and all of the wonderful, "priceless" qualities that he possesses. And though he may not make the extra dough for the finer things in life, he is far from poor. In my opinion, there is no vacation on earth that could replace someone who adores me, who's good with children, who turns me on, etc., and who I feel the same way aboutThese are the qualities that help to make a great match and ultimately, a great love. And isn't that what this whole dating (online dating with game is really all about?Take care...

Comment #2

Yes you are right about those things, however...He is a horrible money manager. He is behind in his car payment to the point of possible repo and his phone has got turned off before for non-payment. These things bother me. Last night I went out to dinner with a girlfriend and she is actually the one who introduced me to guy #2. Guy number 1 met us out there for drinks. She thought guy number 1 was great too, but the chemistry was not as strong as guy #2.

I only gave guy 1 a hug after meeting them out because I feel like I have something more with guy 2 as you said. The qualities that he possesses are priceless....but how do you get over the stress of his poor money management? He buys stuff for his kids all the time. I tell him that the little one can go without pokemon cards for a week if he just would pay his car note, phone, etc. It is frustrating for me because I pay my bills as soon as they come. I don't know how to tell him it bothers me without hurting his feelings.

My girlfriend since 4th grade tells me to just date using both and don't tell guy 2 about guy 1 or vice versa. That makes me feel sneaky and dishonest. I don't know. It would be so nice to be wined and dined. For example.

Very tempting. Didn't go. He makes like 20 times plus what guy 2 makes. I am trying not to be hung up on the money but it bothers me. I don't really care that it isn't alot of money but I don't want to always stress about if he has a car/phone/home//etc.thanks for listening..

Comment #3

 I say, "Date both" also. There's NO need to be sneaky about anything.  There's NO need to confess to the other that you're dating (online dating with other people, UNLESS THEY ASK. If they don't ask, don't tell. You're not obligated to tell them ALL about your personal life..

 You have options, but until you EXPLORE them, you'll never know what will happen..

 Just a side note: your ego is getting in the way of guy 2. Why? B/c YOU feel that he should spend his money in a way that YOU would spend YOUR money. In reality, it's really not your business how he spends HIS money. Just like it's not your business how guy 1 spends his. The only difference with these two situations, is YOUR perception of it. You may feel that since guy 1 has LOTS of money, that he 'deserves' to spend it.

 Being able to ALLOW people to be who they are is CRITICAL in accepting them for who they are. If you have issues with someone, it's usually b/c of EGO..

 Just a thought..


Comment #4

Ok, if you're TRYING to not be hung up on the money ... you're not doing a very good job.   And I don't say that to be harsh, but geez, categorizing them as RICH guy and POOR guy is condescending to both..

How 'bout this ... evaluate them both without factoring money into it..

Thing is ... you know a lot more about guy #2 than guy #1.  So, you really aren't in a position to evaluate them equally..

Did you know that it's entirely possible for a person to have a lot of stuff and a lot of money and also be really BAD at managing it?!  And the more you've got, the more you have to lose.    But, all you know about him is that he has a couple houses and makes a lot of money.  You don't know anything about how he manages it.   Offering to fly you and your friend out to some concert is actually a bit of a red flag, IMO.   He sounds like the type of rich guy that flaunts it and spends it frivolously.  Because, that IS a bit frivilous, wouldn't you agree?  .

I mean, unless he makes a LOT of money (ie, way up in the 7 figures), then ... jet setting on the fly isn't solid money management, either.  .

Bottom line:  Money can come and go.  Stuff can come and go.  Looks can come and go.   At the end of the day, what really matters is a person's values and character.  .

You certainly don't know enough about guy #1s values and character to even make that type of decision about him.  And the only way you will GET TO know that about him is to either date using them both or put guy #2 on the shelf for awhile while you get to know guy #1.    Doing so, knowing that guy #2 might not feel so great about that and might not WANT to date using you if/after things don't work out with guy #1.

If I were you, I would date using them both if/until I had enough info to make an informed decision.  There is NOTHING sneaky and dishonest about that so long as you let them both know you are dating (online dating with others.   And that there will be no sex or getting intimate because you only do that in an exclusive relationship.  That's basically the 'strategy' that works best regardless of the situation.

If either one of them have a problem with you dating (online dating with others then ... they need to get a life!  That's how dating (online dating with works !  You keep your options open until you have enough info and enough of a 'thing' established to make a decision about having an exclusive relationship (thru with someone.


Comment #5

Everyone has great advice. I am trying to look at it in a different perspective today. Like you said money comes and goes and in the end values and who the person truly is is the most important. I am going to try not to be controlling and let them spend the money how they want. If his truck gets repo'd. Not my problem.

It is just hard for me as this is new to me. As far as calling them rich and poor I didn't mean to be condescending but see your point. I was just trying to explain it the best of my ability and not intending on being disrespectful to either. They both are great guys with great values. They both put their children first which is important and they both are respectful of me and my children.

He doesn't flaunt it just says that he has worked hard his whole life and now wants to enjoy it. Guy number 2 doesn't have the same drive as guy number 1 and it is a concern, but when it comes to how he treats others...he is selfless, thoughtful and caring. Although so is guy number 1. I am rambling now. My goal is to enjoy each of these guys company but not get intimate with number 1 since I feel like that is reserved for guy 2 as I already went there and want to continue to do so.I don't know.

Getting old.LOL..

Comment #6

<< My goal is to enjoy each of these guys company but not get intimate with number 1 since I feel like that is reserved for guy 2 as I already went there and want to continue to do so. >>.

Ah, ok ... so, you already sleeping with guy #2.  I think if you weren't intimate with either of them ... then, you really have no responsiblity of disclosure with either of them.  But, since you are sleeping with one but not the other ... and it sounds like guy #2 wants a relationship (thru and guy #1 is wondering why are are hesitant to get closer ... I think you have a responsibilty to tell guy #2 that you are seeing guy #1 ... otherwise, you might just be letting him get his hopes up. ..

Comment #7

Guy number 2 is totally falling hard for me. I love his company too and miss him when he is not around but I don't know how to handle all this attention. it is nice and not smothering but I am not ready for a total commitment. I have told him that we should take it one day at a time and enjoy each other's company but that I just got out of an ugly ugly relationship (thru and don't think rebounds work. I told him about guy 1 and he is not a happy camper but understands. I told him that I don't want to rush into anything too hard right now but am thinking it is too late on his end.

It is sweet but I am having a hard time because I really don't want to hurt his feelings at all. he is a great guy and doesn't deserve to get hurt. although I have been upfront and honest I still don't want to hurt him. ugh. so, as far as guy number one goes we still talk but I am still hesitant to get too close because of my feelings for guy two.

She has met all 3(obviously guy 3) and thinks I shouldn't say anything to anyone. kinda hard when you talk and text and email guy 2 all the time. I have been honest but still feel like I am in a mess...

Comment #8

Ok, easy now ... first of all ... don't go out with newly divorced guy.  Newly divorced guys (and gals) aren't good prospects.   So, just say "thanks but no thanks" to your friend who doesn't have good judgment.  ;-).

Secondly, you were honest.  That's good.  That's all you can do.   Now, just stop overthinking it and let the answers come to you.   I don't know if you're read anything about Buddhism or familiar with it ... but, there's a bit that basically says "sit still, if you don't know what to do ... do nothing.".

I've found a lot of comfort in just sitting still with my decision.   You don't have to have the answers now.  And when you do, it will be clear...

Comment #9

Thank you! I met an old boyfriend today for lunch. He is great to bounce things off of. He ironically was reading a buddhist book and told me something similar. I will go with your good advice and just do nothing and go with the flow. I guess I don't know why I overanalyze and over think things instead of just enjoying the moment. Maybe it is because I got so burned in the past and am trying to find the red flags if there are any.

I was flattered that she thought of me, but I don't need that drama right now...

Comment #10

Hi Lbarent,.

Welcome to the board!!!.

I'm going to jump in late here.  I think honesty is and should be to everyone one of the highest priorities in a relationship.  If you're not sure about either of these men, then take your time.  I'd be sure to tell them that you are going to see other people.  You don't have to be specific, but you should be very clear about that.  I also think that it is a good idea to not sleep with anyone that you don't have a committed relationshiop with.  Others will totally disagree with me on this.  I just think this can really cloud a persons vision..

So if you are dating (online dating with other people, I think that you should keep your options open with other people besides these two men. .

Good Luck,.



Comment #11

<<I don't know why I overanalyze and over think things instead of just enjoying the moment. Maybe it is because I got so burned in the past and am trying to find the red flags if there are any.>>.

The reason you (or anyone) stays inside their own heads and over analyzes everything is a basic lack of trust in themselves and in the process. When you learn the lessons from your past, you take what is pertinent and leave teh rest where it belongs - in teh past. You are still holding onto fear and that will keep you in your head and trying to control outcomes because of a misguided thought that you can 'prevent' being hurt again.

When you trust yourself fully to know what's what and to be able to handle whatever life throws at you, the need to control things goes away. You are in a place of accepting what is - rather than being caught up in fantasy thinking - good or bad.  When you accept that you WILL get hurt by people that you are in relationship (thru to - not intentionally  but just because people do what they do based on their own fears and experiences - then you stop resisting the intimacy that being in a relationship (thru requires..

What you resist, persists. So in trying to resist pain, actually prolongs it and brings it to you. You can't prevent pain unless you live in a cave without anything, including a pet. If you love something, you can be 'hurt' by it's absence when it's gone..

Trust yourself - your heart will never lead you wrong. And also trust the process - people that are meant for you will be in your life without you controlling how they are in it..


Comment #12

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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