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Is online dating (e.g., match.com, yahoo, etc.) safe now or do you think it is dangerous?

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My first question is: Is online dating (e.g., match.com, yahoo, etc.) safe now or do you think it is dangerous?.

My next question is: I have met a nice lady online who is local, she contacted me first, I replied. She gave me her personal email and I gave her mine. We have emailed back and forth for a month and a half and have ahd phone calls also. We have met in person 5 or 6 times. We had a Christmas date, I bought her a necklace, card, stuffed animal and a penguin pillow. She is a flight attendant and worked a lot over the holidays because she is single.

This past weekend she wanted to meet my kids (all grown) so I set up a bowling day. Everyone had a blast, my kids really like her, I am crazy about her. She is off today so we are meeting for dinner. I wear feelings on my sleeve and have told her I really like her and have said I love her. She in turn has told me she is taking it slow and I need to slow down.  Before Christmas she said we would see each other for Valentines Day.

I don't know what all of this means, can you give me advice. I am afraid I am going to get dropped and I want her real bad..

Thanks.

Andy..

Comments (22)

Your question was: Is online dating (e.g., match.com, yahoo, etc.) safe now or do you think it is dangerous?.

Woah, dude!  5 or 6 dates and you "love" her?  Yikes!  That's not very realisticthe two of you are just getting to know each other.   That's what's going through her head, I'm sure..

Stop with the love talk, and slow down and date using Match.com her a couple times a week for 4-6 months...that's when the two of you will begin to have an idea of whether you are potentially compatible.  Keep your head in reality, not the fantasy world where you think you know someone after so short a time..

And if it doesn't work out, that just means the two of you aren't right for each other.  You'll be ok if that happens...it will free you to meet someone who IS right for you..

Sheri..

Comment #1

Thanks Sheri. Should I continue to email everyday and call every now and then, she has always emailed and calls some...

Comment #2

Sure, if both of you are comfortable with that.  I personally don't need or want contact every day with someone I've just started dating (online dating with Match.com) but other women like that much contact. .

If she's not comfortable with it, then she'll probably slow it down by not responding every day..

Sheri..

Comment #3

Thanks for the help Sheri. What about Valentines, would a bracelet and flowers be okay?..

Comment #4

That's over a month away...cross that bridge when you come to it ;-).  But yes, if you're still seeing each other and things are going well, that sounds like a nice gift (so long as the bracelet isn't too extravagent)..

Sheri..

Comment #5

Obviously I have never learned this - I always for full steam ahead. I don't want to scare her or chase her away. I want to keep her - this is so scary!! My feelings say bail out before you screw up andget hurt but my thoughts are she is great, find out what is the right way to attract her...

Comment #6

A lot of people find that going to counseling to learn how to deal with those feelings and the fear they cause is helpful.  Have you considered that?  I personally have found it very helpful and for me at least, it's a turn-on when a guy is self-aware enough to recognize he has some issues to deal with and takes action to deal with them..

I know a lot of men are reluctant to go (don't really understand that but I guess it's a guy thing ;-)) but I really think it's beneficial. If it helps you have better relationships and less fear, why not, right?.

Sheri..

Comment #7

WHOA DUDE. PSYCHO!.

I had three boyfreinds who told me "i love you" after three or 4 weeks of dating. They were all crazy, psycho, controlling, jealous, manipulative weirdos.

Im sorry but that is just nuts.

Good Luck..

 ..

Comment #8

That's a bit harsh, isn't it?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

I think you should slow down too and take your time with her.  Obviously she seems interested in you if she still emails you and calls you.  Just enjoy spending time with her and get to know each other.  If she wants to take is slow, respect where she's coming from and she'll appreciate it.  I agree with a previous post that in a few months you will see if you two are compatible to take it to the next level.  Just having a few dates won't give you full insight about a person, more time will give you that.  I realize some people fall in love quicker than others, but for now keep that to yourself so she doesn't feel pressured to return the sentiment if she is not there yet.  I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy I met online for the past 5 months and I'm taking it slow to see what develops, sometimes I feel like telling him I love him, but I'm holding back, I'm trying not to put any pressure on him to return the sentiment if he's not ready yet, I don't want to scare him off too.  Just be patient and enjoy yourself.......

Comment #10

Slow it down...I cant believe you introduced your kids let alone tell her I love you. Good lord. And a necklace???? OK how old are your kids. If thy adults and movd OK muy if they are not adults you need to slow it down.  Slow down means dont introduce your kids till you have established a really great relationship (thru Match.com) with her. You cant do that in 5-6 dated. I wouldnt do it after a year. you are desperate to love and thats unhealthy..

Comment #11

I think all it means is that you fell for her quickly and she may need a little time to 1) get comfortable with the idea that you are in love with her, and 2) time to get to know you to see how she feels about you. So...just dont pressure her to say I love you back so fast so she can move into that space on her own..

Good luck with valentines day!  Mine will be as it has been over the last 7 years...noneventful.  So enjoy!!..

Comment #12

My boyfriend told me he loved me 6 days after he met me.  Yah, I thought he was nutty, but I knew I was drawn to him so I kept seeing him even after he said that to me.   We've been together for a while now.  I think I didnt think he was psycho because I already knew I liked him alot.  I didnt say 'i love you' back until a couple of months later when I was ready.  But if it's meant to be, it just is.  .

But instantly knowing and having it be real is rare and that cliche still rings true - "only time will tell"....

Comment #13

My own personal experience with men who rush to 'I love yous" and intstant relationships is that they end just as quickly as they start.  I was turned off by their unspoken pressure to do and be and feel what they needed me to do, be, and feel. And a lot of their 'stuff' had to do with their own insecurity and fear..

It seems like you are pushing for a relationship (thru Match.com) and intimacy to 'be' NOW so you won't feel so insecure and anxious. this is a normal part of dating (online dating with Match.com) - the uncertainty that comes with discovering who each of you are and your compatibility. .

It is IMPOSSIBLE to live in a house that isn't build and that is what you are trying to do when it comes to relationships. A solid foundation MUST be built for a house to last and if you aren't willing to wait for the natural building process to happen, then you aren't ready for the responsibility and obligations that comes with real love and intimacy.

Also, wearing your heart on your sleeve is a very painful way to live. You are at the mercy of the world and other people's actions. That is putting the responsibility for your happiness on other people - and that is a burden that is unfair and full of pain!  When you live in a reactionary way - your emotions rule your life. That is so tiresome. Feelings are NOT facts or calls to action - and as long as you allow your emotions to rule your choices, you will continue to be fearful..

Hon, fear and love do not coexist. As long as you are 'afraid' of getting hurt, you will subconsciously set up situations that cause pain - like rushing into a relationship (thru Match.com) that you are not emotionally ready to face and handle.

Sheri's suggestion of counseling is a great one. You CAN be in control of your feelings and when you are - you will feel much more confident and prepared for great opportunities and intimacy..

Toni..

Comment #14

I'm not sure it was a wise move introducing her to your kids before you really know her. For that matter, I'm not sure it was a wise move declaring your love either. How can she possibly love you already? Love is what happens when you've gone through thick and thin together, isn't it?You told her you love her and in response she wants to slow down. Even if "full steam ahead" is your usual MO, it's not going to fly if you want things to actually WORK with this woman. You will have to compromise on this or she will walk away, then you will have disappointed your kids and yourself. Look at the consequences of moving too quickly with someone before you get too involved.

Flowers for Valentine's Day would be perfect, you don't need an additional gift...

Comment #15

I too think you are going way to fast.  You need to date using Match.com each other for quite a while, get to know one another etc.  Buying all the gifts and saying I love you so soon makes you appear desperate and needy and will be a huge turn off for her..

 .

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Them with my guns..

Comment #16

<<Obviously I have never learned this - I always for full steam ahead. I don't want to scare her or chase her away. I want to keep her - this is so scary!! My feelings say bail out before you screw up andget hurt but my thoughts are she is great, find out what is the right way to attract her.>>.

How has that MO worked for you in past relationships?.

Full steam ahead is fine when you are on a ship and it's fine when both people are on teh same page and things are flowing naturally. You are moving forward without concern of obstacles. Its when that 'full steam' is really a hidden agenda to 'make' a person love you on your timetable that you are forcing things. Think bull in a china shop.

Relax - things that are worth having are worth having well - and that means allowing them to unfold naturally, without force, without grand gestures and without games or manipulation..

If she is worth having and knowing - then abide by HER pace and take it easy on the gifts. (Flowers are fine for V Day - but find out first at what level she is comfortable with before buying more - it could seem as if you are bribing her with jewelry).

Toni..

Comment #17

>>Its when that 'full steam' is really a hidden agenda to 'make' a person love you on your timetable that you are forcing things.This is an amazingly accurate statement and it should be put into fortune cookies everywhere. I think you should write a book of wise sayings, you say more with 20 words than I could convey with a thousand!..

Comment #18

Thank you for writing to help. I guess I can see I am saying I love you in hopes that see will say it back to me and that is manipulation that I have to stop. I think she will say it, probably later. If she says it now it will surprise me. I DO want my words and her words to be genuine. Thanks again..

I understand the hurt you feel in the uneventful years, it is a travesty to feel unwanted and unappreciated, you deserve better and you have my best wishes in finding a better situation..

Larry..

Comment #19

She's saying she likes you, likes your kids, etc. That is not a a red flag. That is saying we've only met 5 or 6 times, let's get to know each other and not rush into something.  Take a deep breath, take a step back and go back into the rest of your life - as in enjoy your kids, your friends, and make her a part ofyour life, not your whole life. It's a lot healthier.

,..

Comment #20

Thanks that makes sense and I know I need to do that, right now..

Larry..

Comment #21

I agree with most when they said this is moving too fast, however.....

I personally dont like to put a time line on when it is appropriate to say love you, but I`d keep that to myself until I am at least 98% sure that the other person feels the same way, otherwise youd just come across as desperate and crazy..

Either way, good luck...

Comment #22


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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