Is worth the money?

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My question is: Is worth the money?.

Ok, sorry for this LONG POST! But I need advice about this:.

I met this guy through a dating (online dating with website online a year ago.  I live in the south, and he lives on the east coast, but I travel there often for work.  We started talking last spring, met up several times over the summer, and we started dating (online dating with last fall when I was on the east coast for a few months for work.  That's when things started picking up, and we really started hanging out.  I met all of his friends and family, spent Christmas vacation with his friends, and he even flew out to the south to meet my family.  So there was no doubt on either end that we were both definitely "boyfriend/girlfriend"..

This year I was in the process of applying for a job and there was a strong possiblity that I would end up in the same region as him.  He knew all of this from the beginning, and knew that there was a small possibility I might not end up on the east coast.  We hadn't really talked about what would happen if I were to end up someplace far away, but for the time being I assumed we wouldn't be talking to other people (at least I wasn't). I was away from the east coast for much of 2008.  But the whole time I was away we kept in daily contact online and by calling.  Even when I was abroad for a month..

I found out last month that I got a job offer which will place me close to where he lives starting this summer, and we were both thrilled.  The whole time he kept making references to how he would come see me when I moved there, etc etc. So naturally I thought that we were serious in his mind..

But shortly after I found out, I visited him and asked him if he thought we were serious and exclusive. His reaction totally surprised me.  He said that he thought we were still dating (online dating with casually, and that we should be seeing other people between now and when I move to the east coast in 2 months.  He said that he still had some doubts about me, but when I asked him what they were, he couldn't articulate what they were.  Then I asked him if he had been talking to somebody else.  I asked him repeatedly, and he denied it..

So naturally I was really upset after what he said, because here I was all along, thinking that he had serious intentions.  Then I looked through his email (which I know is wrong, but I had to know) and saw that he had been emailing another girl for the past 2 months, and that they had met up.  This made me even more angry..

The entire next day I was REALLY upset- wouldn't return his texts, etc.  Then he came over because he said he wanted to see me.  And I broke down and pretty much told him how sad I was about what he said the other day.  He told me that he realized that what he said was idiotic, and that he does in fact want to be serious with me, and that he didn't think through what he said and that he realizes that a lot of what he said was ridiculous. He said he had a wake up call and realized that when I didn't return his texts he was going crazy because he thought he might have lost me forever, and that it wasn't until then that he realized what a mistake he had made. But he again denied having talked to somebody else.

I felt better, but still was really hurt that he wasn't being up front with me about the other girl.  So the next day I had to fly home. And I confronted him about the other girl, and he finally admitted that he had met her twice for coffee, but nothing had happened at all.  He said he's ashamed of it, and did it because he didn't know where I was going to end up for my job. And that he was trying to distance himself emotionally by being cynical because he has been screwed by girls when he has gotten too close to them in the past.  And that he felt horrible for not being completely honest with me, and that he's never done that in his life.

At which point I told him that I was about to break up with him one day earlier and that I felt like we had taken 10 steps back.  I asked outright again if he a)wanted to be serious b) wanted to still be talking to other people. He said that he definitely wanted all of those things, a second chance to be committed to me, and that he is no longer emailing other girls.  And that he still wants to give us a shot and see how things go this summer. And all this month we've been long distance, and he's been nothing but positive about us..

So this is my question....should I stay with this guy? I know he cares about me a lot and when we're together it's been great. I'm attributing the stuipd things he said to him honestly being confused and giving him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't know where my job relocation was going to place me until last month. .

Or am I being totally naive? If he's with held information from me once, will he do it again? I truly think he did have a wake up call, but I'm naturally very jaded so I want some un-biased opinions..

Thanks SO MUCH!!! :-)..

Comments (4)

"but for the time being I assumed we wouldn't be talking to other people (at least I wasn't). "The biggest mistake you can make is to assume anything...Unless you both talked about it and agreed to be exclusive he has every right to do what he wants when he wants with who he wants.. NEVER assume anything. There was nothing wrong with him meeting someone or dating (online dating with other people because you didn't agree to that... WHAT you should be worried about it his lying to you and your snooping on him.You need trust, honesty and respect as part of a solid foundation for a relationship, you don't have that in this relationship, he lied to you, you snooped on him, neither one of those actions are honest, trustworthy or respectful. You shouldn't expect someone to be trustworthy to you if you are not trustworthy yourself.

It takes in person time to get to truly know someone and you don't have that in this relationship (thru yet. Talking on the phone emailing, texting doesn't count. You should step back from this and think about what you want your life to be, you should not decide to either move or not because of him...You should do it because that is what YOU want for yourself...

Comment #1

He got caught trying to line things up for himself (and pretended to be shocked about not dating (online dating with casually) and now he will please you any way he can so you do stick around.  My initial thoughts are that his actions say that he is selfish and not 100% invested in this relationship (thru (as he is in himself) and not very honest.  I understand it is long distance for now, but dont be naive.  If he is displaying these traits now, then that is what you will have to expect down the road..

I have never bought into the "I didnt know what I had until I lost it" - it tells me someone is very short sighted and selfish..


Comment #2

Hi Blaire08,.

Welcome to the board!!!.

Trusting someone else with ourselves is really really hard!!  You like this man, but you don't want to get hurt.  That is your risk.  And only you can decide if the risk is worth it.  I think the best thing to do at this time is look at your feelings and see where they are coming from.  Then communicate your desires and see if they match up wtih your mans.  Don't expect them too, then put both of what you want together and see if that is enought for the two of you..

Good Luck,.



Comment #3

Thanks guys for your response...I've decided to keep him around and give this another shot...we'll see how it goes!..

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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