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Is Match.com worth it?

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My question is: Is Match.com worth it?.

Hi, I'm looking for some advise, especially from women.  Just some warning, part of this will be some what explicit..

She's in her mid 20's and I'm in my mid 30's.  I was divorced 3 yrs ago and have gone out on a lot of dates.  I attempted to pursue 2 relationships since my divorce, one of which I was not really interested in.  The other I was very much interested in but she ultimately left me after 3 months to go back to her ex who chased her very hard once we he found out about us (was a tough one to get over).  This happened last year so it's been awhile and have dated many more since then. .

The woman I'm currently dating (online dating with Match.com) got out of a very bad 4 yr relationship (thru Match.com) some time last year.  The problem is her ex is completely psycho.  During the relationship, he became very controlling, was very jealous, checking up on her all the time, didn't even trust her to go to the grocery store, much less hang out with friends.  He even hired a private investigator at one time to follow her.  Since the break up, he pretty much calls or texts her every day still and stalks her.  To make things worst, they own a rental property together which she is trying to sell, but due to them sharing the rent income, they have to communicate on some level. .

We met through work (she is a co-worker) and basically started flirting with each other approx 3 months ago.  This evolved into us hanging out with other co-workers and after doing this a few times, we started hoopking up.  Initially, she told me she was not interested in a relationship, and that she was not a one night type of girl, so she told me she was only interested in hanging out and having fun.  Well, that was almost 2 months ago.  I backed off a bit then, but then she seemed to pursue me and we eventually started dating (online dating with Match.com) a little over a month ago. .

When we get together, things seem great.  We typically go out about 2-3 times a week.  Talk to each other almost every day since we work in the same office, email each other a lot, text msgs, etc.  She usually spends the night at my place once a week.  Basically, we are kind of in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with neither of us acknowledging it.  We both have admitted we are falling for each other but she has said she is scared due to coming out of the bad 4 yr relationship (thru Match.com) and the dude is still stalking her.  He actually found out where I live and and drove by the house several times as she left the other night.  I'm an ex cop so I'm not too worried about him doing anything to me, but I am worried for her..

The problem I am starting to have is she has these walls up and every time they start to come down, they seem to go up again.  She has repeatedly told me she really likes me and that is what scares her, that she was not planning on looking for another serious relationship (thru Match.com) at this time in her life.  I guess this all kind of happened for both of us without either of us thinking it would.  Another thing I don't quite understand is we are sexually active with each other (mostly do oral) but she will not have intercourse.  She has told me she is not ready for that yet and is not sure why other than she was with the same guy for 4 yrs.  Now, when we do fool around, we have a great time, she has multiples (6 the other night) and she has told me that she usually does not orgasm the way she does with me, that she actually enjoys it.   Now, she did tell me she continued to have sex with her ex occasionally but Jan was the last time which was well before we started spending time with each other.  She says she mostly did it to appease him.  I am not quite sure to believe she only had sex with him cause she felt like she had to, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt for the time being. .

A bit on her sex background.  She was raped her 1st time back in high school and never told her parents about it.   She says she has only had sex with guys she was in a serious relationship  with  (approx 5-6 guys prior to her ex) but she is very adventurous (3 somes, sex in public, light bondage, etc).  Of course, I am also except for the 3 some thing (over rated).  However, she has expressed to me she really has not enjoyed her past sexual encounters-relationships but at times, I get the feeling she did enjoy some of it.  She did express to me that she did a lot of it for the wrong reasons. It's like she always did what others wanted her to do.   She allowed herself to be controlled, used , and taken advantage in these relationships.  Now she seems to be very comfortable with me, and says she is not use to being treated well.  The best way to sum up me is I'm not the typically bad boy like she seems to be use to, I actually treat women well, but I am very confident and have a mischievous'adventurous side to me.  .

Physically, we are close with lots of kissing, hand holding, cuddling, the usual stuff.  I just don't know if she is trying to prevent our relationship (thru Match.com) from getting any more serious by not having intercourse, even though we do every thing else, or if she is not really over her ex even though he is crazy and treated her like *&%$, or if there is something else I am missing?  I really like this woman and feel she may be the one.  Hell, I was dating (online dating with Match.com) like 3-4 others right around when we started hanging out and blew them all off for this one.  So, I am trying to be patient because I do care for her but I am also very scared due to the obvious red flags and ex-boyfriend baggage.  Any insight would be greatly appreciated...

Comments (5)

The first thought that came to my mind is that she is afraid of getting pregnant.  The next thought that came to my mind is that maybe she has a problem with her vaginal canal - like an injury or an infection.  Does she allow you to put your fingers inside of her?.

I once knew someone who was raped in H.S. and her personality was different than this woman's - she didnt strike me as someone who had sex for inappropriate reasons - but I never approached the subject with her.  She doesnt know that I know - her friend told me - so I just let it be.  Many women have sex for the wrong reasons - acceptance, trying to feel some kind of love even if it just for a night, making a guy like them..

She needs to get rid of this guy - has she been to the police about it or tried to obtain a restraining order?.

"Now she seems to be very comfortable with me, and says she is not use to being treated well.  The best way to sum up me is I'm not the typically bad boy like she seems to be use to, I actually treat women well, but I am very confident and have a mischievous'adventurous side to me. ".

You sound perfect for her...hehe..

 "The problem I am starting to have is she has these walls up and every time they start to come down, they seem to go up again.  She has repeatedly told me she really likes me and that is what scares her, that she was not planning on looking for another serious relationship (thru Match.com) at this time in her life. ".

This seems normal for someone who has been through what she has been through.  It will take her time to realize that you really are there for her and wont bolt the minute she cries or has intense emotions about something or gets upset or angry.  If she doesnt have a sense of who she is then she may have the feeling of "waiting for the shoe to drop" - like she cant believe that you like her for her.  So she'll probably be guarded until she sees that you will stay the course with her..

Be careful with the psycho ex and good luck...

Comment #1

"Basically, we are kind of in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with neither of us acknowledging it. We both have admitted we are falling for each "Basically.... no you are not....don't assume just because you are spending a lot of time together having sex that she has changed her mind, UNLESS she tells you she has and her actions back that up. She told you straight up that she was not ready for a serious relationship... Listen to her (same advice if you were female and talking about a male), she has issues she needs to work on and she needs to take care of the ex problem completely BEFORE being ready for a healthy happy relationship. She hasn't had time to heal from her last relationship (thru Match.com) yet, if you are willing to wait for that then that is your choice...But if you are in a relationship (thru Match.com) while trying to heal from a previous one it usually doesn't work.

You don't know each other well enough yet to know if either one of you are the "ONE". She has things she needs to get under control and until she does that, she is not ready for a healthy relationship.... you are choosing to let all this drama in your life. WHY?..

Comment #2

I agree wholeheartedly with sassisizz on this - this woman is NOT READY to be in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) - she has said as much. She is in the midst of a huge drama with a stalker ex BF and unresolved sexual abuse and trauma. If you insist on proceeding with this relationship (thru Match.com) - it will be one conflict, drama, incident after the other.  That sounds like a lot of work for little payoff..

I get that you have feelings for her - but what are they really based in? the feeling that you can 'help' her? or is it because you have shared values, goals and respect and admiration? .

If you truly feel she is 'the one' - then do both of you a favor - she isn't ready to be what you want her to be and you CAN'T help her get ready. This is her own journey - she has so much unfinished business and emotional baggage that she isn't capable of being anything more than what she is now - someone with a closed heart. You are NOT in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) - good solid relationships are decisions made openly and honestly - they don't happen by default and they don't encompass all this drama..

If you need drama, conflict and pain in your life then she is the one for you - however, if you want stability, openness and true intimacy - then you will let her go. she has to finish her own stuff and she has to do it in her own time and own way. YOu cannot be part of it - that makes both of you weaker..

It sounds like you need her more than you actually love her - you need to rescue and protect her. She needs you to feel safe - if only for brief moments. Tht is all fine and good - but it isn't love and it rarely lasts.  Need never equals love and it sure doesn't promote true intimacy.

REal intimacy means 2 people sharing openly, equally and honestly with each other. She is not able to do that..

Toni..

Comment #3

Ok, I'd have to dismiss any advice that says perhaps she's afraid of getting pregnant or maybe she has something wrong "down there" since you guys aren't having intercourse.  That's obviously not the case since she was still sleeping with her ex just a few months ago ... and she has had sex with other men before.

So, yes, she (like many women) is probably holding off on the intercourse until/unless she knows you're in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) (as she even said, << She has told me she is not ready for that yet and is not sure why other than she was with the same guy for 4 yrs. >>.

However, I have to agree that she is not READY for a serious relationship (thru Match.com) AND has emotional issues with intimacy.  .

Regarding <<  I really like this woman and feel she may be the one.  Hell, I was dating (online dating with Match.com) like 3-4 others right around when we started hanging out and blew them all off for this one.I really like this woman and feel she may be the one.  Hell, I was dating (online dating with Match.com) like 3-4 others right around when we started hanging out and blew them all off for this one.  >>.

I'm also in my mid-30s ... so, I'm going to lay this on you straight ... because you're focusing on the wrong person/issue here ... the person you need to be looking at is YOU!.

What in the heck about this woman would lead you to think that she might be 'the one'?.

That is ... unless you like truck loads of baggage and women with stalker ex-BFs?.

I don't mean to be harsh ... but, I do mean to be brutally honest ... because at your age ... let's not mince words here.  You know better.   (at least, you should).

If you are so attracted to this woman to the point of thinking she might be 'the one' ... then, you need to check yourself ... examine yourself ... because, as a rule in life "like attracts like" ... healthy attracts healthy ... sick attracts sick ...

Which means if you are attracted to her and all her baggage ... then, there is something unhealthy (emotionally) within you..

Look within for that.  Because, if you were emotionally healthy/available yourself ... you'd be walking away from this one as though she had the plague.  .

FWIW, everyone deserves to love and be loved.   But, people must first learn to love and take care of themselves.   If/until people do that ... they'll always attract and be attracted to the walking wounded.   Why? Because its easier to align with someone who is also unhealthy than it is to work on oneself. ..

Comment #4

Hi cincyguy71,.

Welcome to the board..

Wow lot of moving parts to your relationship.  One thing I've learned is the men expect us women to listen to them and not read into what they say.  Take it at face value.  This doesn't seem to go both ways, but it needs to.  She's not ready for anything serious.  She told you so.  Which was really honest..

Another point.  She's not over her ex.  At least that's what it seems like.  It's only been three months since she last slept with him, and I'm sorry I don't think she's having sex to appease him.  That's lowering yourself to  such a low mark.  I'd go to the cops before I'd do that.  Of course this is me and not her..

Take your time and back off the physical stuff.  This way the two of you can get close for reasons that are not physical..

Good Luck,.

 .

           ..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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