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My first question is: Is Match.com the best site for online dating?.

My next question is:  .

Well I got out of a 6 yr relationship (thru Match.com) about 3 months ago, have been non-stop with meeting/dating/interacting with different men that do not even compare to what i want in a boyfriend which in turn would eventually make me lose interest. With those guys, I felt I was somewhat in control, that I had the upperhand. Well now I met this guy through a mutual friend about 3 weeks ago. We had talked on the phone prior to meeting for about 2 weeks and when we met the attraction was instant. As we continued to hang out, I felt a very strong connection with him and saw potential so we became intimate pretty quickly. Though I had gone on dates and met different men prior to this guy, hes the only one I became intimate with since my ex. Now I had posted a message about this guy planning to get a job in Orlando and moving there within 5-6 months (I live in Miami) so I was contemplating whether I should stop seeing him or just take my chances and see where this goes, i decided to take my chances.

Now the thing is, I have already expressed that I like him alot and that I wouldnt have become intimate if I didnt see potential in something more and I told him what I'm looking for. I basically laid everything out on the table to the point where I had thought so many times this guy was defenitely going to stop talking to me but surprisingly he would continue to act interested and show me consistency. Their are times we hang out where we do not become intimate, which is nice because it doesnt make me feel like thats all we are doing. Now I had told him recently that "I wanted to make sure were kind of on the same page here?" and he tells me "Well I like you alot and think you are great but it seems like you have a 12 step plan going on already (LOL! maybe I do just alittle) and that you might be liking me alittle more" (Now obviously i didnt like that comment at all) but that he doesnt want to be just friends with me, he wants to see where this goes. .

I then told him "Look I guess it's too soon to tell anything so we'll just go with the flow and see what happens" So obviously from that very honest comment he made, his head is extremely inflated and he is very secure. I can defenitely see somewhat the mental games that he is playing and I dont like that one of his possible games could be to try to make me fall for him just to feed his ego. I know Im assuming alot but Im a very skeptical woman and Im afraid I might be wasting my time in investing my emotions in him. I really dont know what to do from here or how to act with him from this point on. I feel like I need to act tough now and no longer be too nice or something. Obviously I want this guy to fall for me because I like him, I want him to want to be in a r'ship with me.

Technically we can still see other people (though he did mention "If ur dating (online dating with Match.com) other men then your not dating (online dating with Match.com) me") so obviously he doesnt want me to date using Match.com other men but the fact is we can do what we want and I dont like that, I dont like that I'm not anything to him except just a girl hes dating. Then again Im moving way to fast probably in wanting to be his girlfriend already. I dont know when to ask the question "So what are we?" Im new to this, I didnt think I would like somebody this fast. What do you recommend? Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Sorry so long.....

Comments (21)

Your question was: Is Match.com the best site for online dating?.

He can see that you are hooked - it is too late for you to pull it back without it resulting in damaging the relationship. So...since it is what it is..the best thing for both of you to do is to just put your cards out on the table.  Do you think he is someone who could be just bluntly honest with you?.

It is very difficult to find a person who doesnt play games in romance.  I dont like that type of dynamic between me and a guy.  If it is in your nature to be whatever you are...then that is how you need to be.  If you pretend to be someone who you are not...you'll turn him off.

The only time games work is if both parties are game players - then they "understand" each other. I dont see the value of books like  "Men who Love Bitches" because they try to give women tips on how to be "bitchy" when I feel a better approach is just learning how to be assertive and stand up for yourself.  Men like bitchy in bed, JMHO..hehe..or as a prelude to sex.  (sorry - my mind is always on sex) If standing up for yourself leads to an image of being a bitch...then so be it.  When I read the book I realized that is how I do handle things with men most times - but that is in my personality already - not derived from a book.  So if I mouthe off or seem bitchy..that is just who I am and men can tell the difference..

The next time he starts to flirt with you - "you are liking me more" - you just shoot a seductive statement BACK at him - that will show confidence and indicate that you are receptive to him. By trying to play it cool..you send him mixed messages and demonstrate that you are fearful of him..

However, if you are physically intimate with each other then you do have the right to know if he is sleeping with anyone else - so - have the sexual exclusivity talk.  dating (online dating with Match.com) others and sleeping with others could be very different to him - dont get caught up in semantics - make sure that you two are monogamous and exclusive..

 ..

Comment #1

Three weeks is extremely short!  So I would just chill out.  Don't make yourself so available to him, but not as a game but for real! .

Do things with your friends and family or by yourself.  Make those plans and don't break them for him.  When you do hang out with him, just be yourself.  You like him, right?  Then act that way when you're with him.  But not being so available all the time will show him that you have a life and yes, you like him but he is not THE center of your world - you have other things going on..

Instant mutual connection is very very rare.  I have been lucky enough to experience this, where we were on the same page right away.  The girlfriend discussion - we didnt even have it.  Two weeks after we met, he invited me to his soccer game.  After the game, he introduced me to his team mates as his girlfriend.  Now 2 weeks is way fast!!  And with someone else, I probably would've freaked out and been like um, what a psycho!  After 2 weeks, you're calling me that?? lol  He didnt ask or tell me beforehand, he just said it and *I loved ittttt* haha.   But he knew he didnt have to ask me. .

Anyways, that is really rare.  In most relationships, you have to just chill and go with the flow.  ..

Comment #2

We are not exclusive but he did tell me that he is not sleeping with anybody else. The fact of the matter is though that technically we can do what we want because we are not officially a couple, we are just dating, still getting to know one another. Im defenitely not sleeping with anybody else and I wouldnt do that but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt that currently hes not. Do I think hes a person that can be bluntly honest with me? I dont know, if it's negative and could result in losing me altogether than maybe not completely. For ex: If he was to tell me that he didnt see anything serious with me at all, then that would obviously result in me breaking everything off with him. But that is not the impression he is giving me, so either he is somewhat leading me on or maybe he really likes me and wants to see where this goes. I dont know.. I feel like I need to gain emotional control back someway somehow. Youre right I cant be too available for him. This is frustrating...

Comment #3

I don't like the word "control" in relationships because personally I feel like when it;s used, then it becomes a game and that's the wrong track to be on.  I like "keep a level head". .

I know it's hard, but try and just close your eyes and release the stress and just let go.  Just relax and remember this one person is not the be all and end all of your existence. That is the truth!  And if he is, then you really need to work on yourself and self-confidence before you are in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) anyway. .

You are very caught up in all these details and imagining scenarios.. things that he might say or whatever else.. things that have not even occurred!  You are driving yourself crazy. .

Keep it simple.  Here it is.  You like him.  He likes you.  -It's only been three weeks-.  This is not a long time.  Relax.  See how it goes.  It'll be okay...

Comment #4

I agree with you about the whole 'control' issue, I dont like that at all. I hate that I over-analyze every single situation Im in, it is mentally exhausting. I used to be so mentally stable, content with my life, strong minded and comfortable, I was very happy with my ex until the last few months we were together, where I was basically alone half the time. I now am chaotic in my own mind. I am skeptical about everything and everyone and alot of times I tend to go by the saying 'Expect the worst, hope for the best' but thats not very positive. Im just very disappointed with myself and my life in general. My living situation is sad for me.

The whole breakup was horrible for me and since then the only thing that has kept me occupied unfortunately has been the guys that have come in and out of my life so far and ofcorse hanging out with my friends and whatnot. Whether it was simply for company or for the attention I was receiving, it kept my mind off my ex and my living situation. I still have really bad moments where I miss my ex tremendously and wish I could have my old life back. I just hate that I feel like this because I know people are going through worse and whats done is done with my ex, I need to move on. Im trying so hard to just go with the flow and not allow negative thoughts to ruin whatever I got going on here with this guy Im dating. I probably am coming on wayyy to strong but hes still sticking around.

So I say what I feel, I say whats on my mind, and I go with whatever Im feeling at the moment. For ex: If I want to hold his hand regardless of whether I should do it or not, eventually I just go with it and i'll grab his hand bc thats what I really want to do at the moment. I prefer to put everything out on the table and if you stop talking to me because you get scared off or whatnot then it was never meant to continue, like I said for some reason he keeps sticking around. I just miss my the old strong minded woman where I wouldnt let anything or anybody bring me down. I was always the one giving the positive advice now I am the one seeking it..

Comment #5

Omg, I know exactly how you feel.  I know it is very difficult.  You are unhappy with your situation right now.  It'll get better.  Just make sure you are taking the steps to get what you want.  This is the key to feeling better because you know you are actively making things happen.  It doesnt happen over night, but if you take steps, you will get there..

As for boys, make a mantra for yourself.  Something like "This is not everything, it's not a big deal".  .

Hugs,.

Blair .

 ..

Comment #6

I think you may have confused me with another poster - I didnt say to not be too available to him..

I think the best way to get a grip of your emotions is just to accept them regardless of what happens between the two of you and then the anxiety or fears will diminish somewhat...

Comment #7

Well you guys, this is exactly what Im talking about when it comes to the mental games that I hate. Who is going to call, who is going to give in, who likes who more, who is going to ask who out, etc. Well we had hung out Wednesday night and that was the 3rd time we take it to that 'level'. This time was WONDERFUL (I didnt like the first 2 times AT ALL but this time was completely different) We both enjoyed it very much and we defenitely have the physical connection down packed but ofcorse that can only go so far. Now at the end of the night, he said "Ok, so we'll talk tomorrow?" (Thursday) I said "Ofcorse!" Well guess what he didnt call and I didnt call. Now it feels to me like hes trying to play hard with me and honestly I feel at this early stage of us dating, hes the man so he should call me especially after a night of being intimate with me. Yesterday was probably the first or second day I think in 3 weeks that nobody calls one another. If I was his girlfriend I wouldnt care about calling him or asking him if I can come over but being that I'm not, I dont want to look desperate or look like I'm head over heels for the guy so I didnt call, I also dont want to call him today either, I dont want to give him the satisfaction that I gave in and whatnot.

I almost feel like hes testing my feelings for him and I have to say I am pretty good with my intuition, sometimes a bit pessimistic but for the most part I end up being right about what I'm feeling or assuming.

He works today anyways so I know were not going to be able to hang out. Thats another thing, in the beginning he would always be the one to kind of ask if were going to hang out the next day or a certain day and now Im the one kind of asking and hinting now, so thats another reason why I feel like hes trying to play hard with me, it almost feels like hes underestimating my strength as a woman, like he swears Im going to be the one running after him trying to pursue him now, NO WAY!!. I am not that weak, I still have some dignity and pride left in me so these games could easily make me lose interest. I hate games man. Why cant we just say exactly what we feel or do exactly what we want without being afraid of how were going to look. Its so ridiculous.

I dont think I should call him today either, I really feel he should be the one to call me. What are your thoughts about the situation?? Thanks again   ..

Comment #8

Hon, you ar so busy trying to NOT BE the woman you think he thinks you are, that THAT"S EXACTLY what and who you are being.

Just call if you want to call and to hell with what he thinks. He will either like it or he won't. You can't control that. You are so wrapped up in what he thinks about you that you are NOT enjoying anything about this. this is what guys hate.

Men like women who like themselves and who enjoy life. Women they can have FUN with in a reltionship. All this mental junk is NOT FUN - it sure as heck isn't for you. and the more you try to control how he sees you, the more intense you will become and the less FUN you will BE..

Anytime you are trying to be or not be something, the only thing you really accomplish is that you are NOT being you. That is what makes people unhappy - NOT being true to themselves.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss.

Toni..

Comment #9

Well, my advice wwas to relax, let go, and keep it simple.  but you're not wanting to do that lol.

What I do is I tell the guy what I want.  if he still doesnt do them and they are things that I'm not willing to compromise on or are making me unhappy then I stop seeing him.  see how simple that was?  now you try it...

Comment #10

I know, I feel like whats going on is extremely immature from both parties. Im a very serious woman and it's sad cuz that strong emotional connection me and my ex had is what probably kept us going for so long at such a very young age, we had such a tremendous amount of respect for one another that was so rare, we were honest, forward, and we didnt play games, but I cant dwell on the past. I already can 'sense' the games going on with this guy and I feel alot of mixed emotions with him. I feel he might be leading me on alittle though all I keep replaying in mind is how he said "I think you might be liking me alittle bit more" and thats obviously not a very good sign, he still gives me false hope though when he says other things like "he likes me alot more than I think and that if it wasnt more than physical that he wouldnt be so consistent, introduce me to his family, friends, and that everytime we would hang out thats all we would do which is not the case" I dont know, maybe it is too soon to know if he wants an actual relationship with me, HE KNOWS the ball is in his court though. I feel like now since he knows I really like him, he got alittle cocky and is now waiting around for me to ask when were going to hang out or for me to call him and I really dont like that. Maybe i did express myself alittle too much but regardless I prefer to put everything out on the table anyways so i dont regret being honest with him. If he gets turned off by my forwardness then so be it. I dont know Toni, I dont know whether I should call him.

How frustrating is this.....

Comment #11

I did, I told him I'm the kind of woman that needs consistency. I feel if the guy is truly interested in you and likes you, he will continue to pursue you. I even told him that I usually dont like to be the one asking "When are we going to hang out or get together" that I feel the guy should be the one asking at least in the beginning stages until things become more stable cuz right now theres alot of mixed feelings, assumptions going around and being that were not a couple, theres alot of things that are not in our place to say or do. But I was very honest with him from the beginning especially as to what kind of woman I was and what I am looking for. I even told him that "I dont want to be wasting my time, if were not somewhat on the same page here" and he said "I wasnt wasting my time, that hes just getting to know me and wants to see where things go" I feel what he said is bull though. I think he already made up his mind about me and I think that he doesnt want anything serious with me. I dont know whether I should even continue investing my time and my emotions in this guy. Good lord, you see the thoughts that constantly go through my head, how annoying is that...

Comment #12

"Ok, so we'll talk tomorrow?" (Thursday) I said "Ofcorse!".

He asked you a question  and you said yes, you would call.  If you are confused by his way of speaking then you need to probe further - like - "does that mean you will call me?"..

Comment #13

But nothing was specified. I dont know I figured he would call and when he didnt i thought to myself "ok this guy is trying to play hard with me" so that made me not want to call him.  Its just that I also have it so stuck in my head that the guy should be the one doing the pursuing especially in the early stages of dating. Especially since he knows how I feel and what I want, he knows the ball in his court so if I become the one doing the pursuing, it's just going to feed his ego. I dont know.....

Comment #14

UPDATE: Well I ended up checking my phone around 1:30 and saw that he called at 12 pm. He left a message asking "If I wanted to have lunch with him since we were not going to be able to hang out later cuz he has to work" He continues to shock me. I called back and left a message stating that "I had just heard his message and that I dont know if it's too late but that I wouldve loved to have lunch with him but i only get 30 minutes and to call me back" he called me back a few minutes later and we just talked about the job hes trying to pursue in Orlando and what he did yesterday. It made me feel good that he thought of me though and took the initiative to call me. He said he was going to call me later when he doesnt have to pay for his minutes after 9pm. So yeah I'm glad in a way I didnt call him. I dont want to seem desperate for him. So I dont know..Im gonna see how things go and stop trying to over-anyalyze every single situation and really try to go with the flow. I seriously need to get my life in order someway somehow man...

Comment #15

Look - people reflect back to us what we show in our actions. YOu 'sense' game playing from him - but all this 'stuff' you are doing is sending off that 'play games with me' vibe. He is doing nothing that you aren't allowing - by your actions, your need to control things here, your intensity and pushing for him to reassure you that a relationship (thru Match.com) is in the works after 3 weeks - all that feeds into your insecurity which causes him to not act naturally with you and so continues the cycle. This is JMHO - you aren't emotionally ready to be in a relationship. You are 3 months out of a 6-yr relationship (thru Match.com) and are pushing for a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone you've known 3 weeks. A person who is truly ready to BE in a relationship (thru Match.com) doesn't force things, doesn't put the cart before the horse and allows things to develop at their own pace and in their own way without trying to control them.

You are doing all these things.Being serious has nothing to do with being ready. when your heart is fully open and receptive to love - things feel good and effortless. YOu've worked yourself into a tizzy and are not getting anywhere. STOP! Say you do 'get' into a relationship (thru Match.com) with all this stuff - you will still be anxious because you worked so hard to make it that you will never know the real extent of his feelings. I do agree with your friend - When a man is deeply interested in a woman, he DOES do the pursuing.

You can't TALK him into being more interested. But your actions and intensity can send very clear 'run away from me' vibes. Keep your options open and remove him from the center of your world. Hon, you would be wise to take some time to heal from your breakup because all you are describing says that you aren't ready for emotional intimacy - that's why you are pushing so hard for a 'relationship'. Take a long hiatus from dating (online dating with Match.com) and focus on getting your life back to a place that you enjoy and like.

Its easier to focus on what this guy isn't doing than it is to focus on the pain you still have in your heart - but that won't heal the wounds.Love, like babies, takes time, tenderness and patience to grow. If you can't be patient enough to let things be what they will, then how much do you really want it? If you aren't willing to allow your heart to heal properly, then you will not get what you are looking for. Love cannot exist in a heart filled with doubt and fear..

Toni..

Comment #16

Thank you so much for your advice and your insight. I understand all of these things, I just need to apply it. I know I need to focus on how to get out of the rut I'm in because I am truly unhappy with the way my life is. I will see what i can do to get myself moving in an upwards direction. Thank you again...

Comment #17

Take a deep breath and slowly review what has transpired without your emotions coming into play.  In my previous posts I was attempting to show you that if one looks at what he has said objectively it doesnt necessarily look like game playing. It looks like he is looking for some affirmation of his desirability from you too - some insecurity on his part..

I am in the thick of some gut wrenching emotions right now - man related and not man related.  My problem is that I feel he backstabbed me, put me through too much mental anguish, asked for too much and delivered too little.  For all I know this was some sick joke played on me.  He wants to give me what I want...later on when I wanted it now - I needed it now - I deserved it now.  He wants a second chance.  From what I have seen our values dont mesh and he makes decisions that I feel betray the best interests of any kind of relationship (thru Match.com) with me..

He doesnt leave me alone even if I tell him that we are not right for each other. He messages me that he'll sit on me so I cant move and make me listen to him.  He says that he will not disappoint me in the end.  He *says* that he hates himself for hurting me (not sure if I believe that - where is he if he is in so much pain about it?) and will show me that he is the man who I want by my side forever. (verbatim)  He knows that I'm in pain and I have, he says, expressed myself very well but..a small part of him likes the fact that I am heartbroken because it means that I care about him and he has wanted to know that for decades, so he said.  It sucks being broken hearted...but...it sucks more knowing that your actions could destroy the relationship (thru Match.com) - like his actions did..

So..what I'm trying to say is that you are very scared and defensive about him hurting you - that will screw everything up so ..you WILL get what you fear most in the end due to your actions. There are no guarantees that any relationship (thru Match.com) works out. In fact, the one thing you can count on is that all relationships end one day for one reason or another.  If you can accept the worse case scenario and accept that it could end, but you'll try to make damn sure it doesnt (on your end) then you'll be okay even if it does break up one day.

 ..

Comment #18

That's the thing is you shouldn't have such super highs and super lows based on one guy and whether he calls you or not.  Didn't you say you've only known him 3 weeks?  That's seriously short.  I'm sure you don't want him to think you're nutso..

Also, so you missed the call and the lunch.  So what.  You kinda jumped too eager on that one and again making yourself too available.   I would've been like, oh he missed lunch with me - too bad for him.  And just left a message saying we could do that some other time.. not trying to salvage the last 30 minutes of the lunch - that's so desperate.  Again, just relax.  It seems like this guy is your whwole world, you just met him 3 weeks ago.. that's really weird...

Comment #19

Hello, thanks for the response but when I told him that I only get 30 minutes, I also told him that it's too short of a time and to just call me back when he had a chance.. I guess when I re-read the post, i left out a few little words here and there and maybe it seemed alittle desperate but no I dont think I looked bad at all. I just told him that yea I wouldve loved to have lunch with him I dont think there was anything wrong with that.  but again thanks for the response...

Comment #20

Hi cr,Do you realize you are trying to force the depths of a 6 year relationship (thru Match.com) on a man you've dated only 3 weeks? Do you realize you are just like Monica on Friends when she called an ex-bf and told him, "I'm being breezy"? If you have to say it, you aren't really living it. Just like when someone tells you they are funny. They aren't funny. Funny people don't have to tell you, they just are. Your actions are screaming the opposite of what your words are saying. This is much easier to see when it isn't your life, I realize. It's true though.Hope this helps,WT..

Comment #21


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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