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Is Match.com the best online site for singles looking for fun and maybe a relationship?

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My first question is: Is Match.com the best online site for singles looking for fun and maybe a relationship?.

My next question is: Hello everyone,I hope to solicit your opinion, even though it would be impossible to tell the whole story. I communicated with and eventually met a guy on Match.comwe'll call him A. A and I have a lot in common, and I found him physically attractive. Our first date using Match.com was fun, and he was pretty talkativeas he is often in his emails and phone calls. However, he did caution me that his dating (online dating with Match.com) experience is very limited (he is 27), which confused me for someone his age. He told me that he is very shy but gets over it, and that he's never had a serious relationship.

He was so quiet I honestly had to check a few times to make sure he was still with me. The conversation he did initiate and/or respond to was very superficial, and it was just...boring. I asked him why the silence, and he stated that he was having fun, and just being comfortable around me. But I certainly was not having fun or getting to know him.Anyway, I just wasn't "feeling it" that night, so I told him it's probably best we date using Match.com other people. I was extremely tactful, but he kind of got emotional about it.

I'm a bit concerned at that level of emotional involvement after only two dates and two weeks of "talking." However, he does have a plethora of positiveswhen he IS talking to me, it can be fun, and he's very thoughtful and kind. Should I give it another chance? I've vacillated all day and still haven't come up with a firm answer.ETA: I know the decision is ultimately mine to add, but it's always refreshing to hear other opinions. Thanks!.

Edited 1/3/2009 3:39 pm ET by sunnyseas..

Comments (14)

Your question was: Is Match.com the best online site for singles looking for fun and maybe a relationship?.

I don't see what harm going out one more time would do..but I would keep the potential red flag of him becoming overly attached and invested after only 2 dates *firmly* in mind..

I read a very interesting memoir called The Curse of the Singles Table a while back, and the author talked about how her 2nd date using Match.com with her now husband was *terrible* (after a great first date)...she almost didn't go out with him again but she decided to give it one more shot and they ended up getting married.  So that's kind of what I have in mind in suggesting that you may as well go out again and see what happens..

Sheri..

Comment #1

>>At any rate, our second date using Match.com was a disaster. He was so quiet I honestly had to check a few times to make sure he was still with me. The conversation he did initiate and/or respond to was very superficial, and it was just...boring. I asked him why the silence, and he stated that he was having fun, and just being comfortable around me. But I certainly was not having fun or getting to know him.<<.

It sounds as if he is not great at communicating. I can't figure out why the 2nd date using Match.com would be bad after a good 1st one though..

>>However, he did caution me that his dating (online dating with Match.com) experience is very limited (he is 27), which confused me for someone his age. He told me that he is very shy but gets over it, and that he's never had a serious relationship. Red flag or ok?<<.

Depends. Is it because he has slept around a lot or because he did casual dating (online dating with Match.com) but never found someone to be serious about?.

>>I got an email from him stating that he wants me to give him another chance, that he was "in tears" at the thought of never seeing me again, and that he feels eviscerated.<<.

That is WEIRD. It sounds stalker-like. I'm sorry, I don't want to scare you but those words sound eerily like those of my ex-bf, who ended up stalking me for a few months. Either that, or he's feeding you a load of crap..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #2

<<I don't see what harm going out one more time would do..but I would keep the potential red flag of him becoming overly attached and invested after only 2 dates *firmly* in mind.I read a very interesting memoir called The Curse of the Singles Table a while back, and the author talked about how her 2nd date using Match.com with her now husband was *terrible* (after a great first date)...she almost didn't go out with him again but she decided to give it one more shot and they ended up getting married. So that's kind of what I have in mind in suggesting that you may as well go out again and see what happens.Sheri>>Hi Sheri,Thanks for responding. I think he is actually *already* overly attached and invested, hence those lines from his email that I stated. There was actually even more, about how I am perfect in every way, and that " needs to be with ." It was kind of unsettling.However, like you stated, on the flip side there IS the possibility that he could be a match. It's definitely a catch-22 for me and I haven't quite figured it all out...

Comment #3

<<It sounds as if he is not great at communicating. I can't figure out why the 2nd date using Match.com would be bad after a good 1st one though.Depends. Is it because he has slept around a lot or because he did casual dating (online dating with Match.com) but never found someone to be serious about?That is WEIRD. It sounds stalker-like. I'm sorry, I don't want to scare you but those words sound eerily like those of my ex-bf, who ended up stalking me for a few months. Either that, or he's feeding you a load of crap.>>Hi bajanbeautykei,He admits he is not that great at communicating, but I honestly hear that from *every* guy.

I don't think he's feeding me a load of crap, as I think he is being sincere in his attachment to me. I agree that it IS unsettlinglike I wrote Sheri, there was more to that email, and what kind of freaked me out was the whole "needing to be with me" part. I thought that was an odd thing to say. We haven't even kissed!So, despite his unsettling comments, should I give it another chance or not? I have to admit I feel a bit guilty, but I'm also a strong believer in my intuition. My intuition is telling me that he's not going to let go of me so easily.Thanks for writing meit's very helpful to speak with others about this.-Sunny..

Comment #4

I dunno. 'Needing to be with you' and telling you you're 'perfect' takes me back to what I first thought - stalker-like actions. Or more like obsessive actions. If the texts/calls start coming in more than 3 times a day and they are like the others, he might be a bit obsessed with you. If it were *me* I'd meet him one more time and explain that the texts are unsettling due to the brief time I'd known him. Then I'd keep an eye on his reaction and future behaviour..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #5

Hmmm...with that additional information, I could definitely understand it if you decided not to see him again..

Sheri..

Comment #6

=However, he did caution me that his dating (online dating with Match.com) experience is very limited (he is 27), which confused me for someone his age. He told me that he is very shy but gets over it, and that he's never had a serious relationship. Red flag or ok?=OK!!!! Girls / women seem not to know that we guys are dealing with a hostile force when it comes to dating. The first time I asked a girl out - and she said yes - was just before I turned 13. The first time I actually went on a date, after God knows how many times of being stood up, was when I was 31. For guys, dating (online dating with Match.com) is like going to war, and if we get shot at and sometimes hit, it's not because there's something wrong with us; it means we've been met with unwarranted hostility.

The fault is most likely not his.=At any rate, our second date using Match.com was a disaster. He was so quiet I honestly had to check a few times to make sure he was still with me. The conversation he did initiate and/or respond to was very superficial, and it was just...boring. I asked him why the silence, and he stated that he was having fun, and just being comfortable around me. But I certainly was not having fun or getting to know him.=To paraphrase Rocky in the movie Rocky - shyness is not a disease.=Anyway, I just wasn't "feeling it" that night, so I told him it's probably best we date using Match.com other people.

Later that night, I got an email from him stating that he wants me to give him another chance, that he was "in tears" at the thought of never seeing me again, and that he feels eviscerated. I'm a bit concerned at that level of emotional involvement after only two dates and two weeks of "talking."=Okay... I find his reaction rather disturbing. It's one thing to be shy and inexperienced, but one should take rejection like a man and suck it up. Begging gets one nothing except a lack of respect.=However, he does have a plethora of positiveswhen he IS talking to me, it can be fun, and he's very thoughtful and kind.

Hopefully he'll come out of his shell and, if it doesn't go well, that he'll man up and take rejection like, well, a man this time. But please give him chance...

Comment #7

A rather worrisome update:I sent him an email late yesterday explaining that we needed to talk (via the phone) before seeing each other again, as there were some clarifications that needed to be made. He responded back as if I told him I wanted to marry himessentially ignoring my concerns and pretending like we're a couple in love (which, again, we barely know each other). "A" thanked me for understanding and said he was excited to see me soon. I didn't write back, nor did I call him, in order not to fuel the fire, since my intuitive radar was screaming full alarm at this point.I should've listened to it after the first date, when I had twinges of incompatibility.Today, I'm working on the computer when someone knocks at my door. I go to the peephole and someone is standing to the side so I couldn't see them full onI could just see a bit of shirt. I wasn't expecting anyone, so I didn't answer it, but I looked out the window and guess who? "A"! My address is in the white pages, which I obviously need to change ASAP, so he tracked me down and came over uninvited.

The note essentially said good luck at work, see you soon, "LOVE A." I'm totally freaked out. I emailed him not to contact me again in any form, and blocked his email and Facebook access. Any other steps I can take, esp. since he knows where I live?I'm pretty scared, and it takes a lot for me to get that way.-SunnySeas..

Comment #8

Oh, wow, I'm so sorry!  That's truly frightening.  I would call the police (non-emergency number) and ask for their advice, honestly, and make sure you mentioned the gun part.  And I'd consider going and staying with a friend or family member for a few days.  Better to take this seriously and err on the side of caution unnecessarily than the opposite.  If you have his full name, perhaps you could ask the police to see if he has any history of stalking, etc..

How did he get your full name so he was able to find your address?  I usually don't give that out to men I meet until we've gone out a bunch of times..

Sheri..

Comment #9

Sherri,He has my first name and last initial, and knows I'm a teacher in such-and-such districtit's not hard at all to find me on the Internet since my classroom website pops up readily. I unfortunately cannot do anything to change that. I would hate to keep my profession a secret, but from now on I am not telling men what district I am in. My district is huge but apparently not that huge. I think if someone is determined enough they can find anyone on the Internetlike he did. In fact, this one guy I emailed with just on the Match website found me via my district website (I didn't even tell him what district I teach in), and sent me rude emails because I rejected him.

I'm the only one with my first name and we also have to have pictures of ourselves (for the parents).I think I am going to share my concerns with the IT department at the school...

Comment #10

I'm so scatterbrained right now I didn't even respond to the first part of your post. Thanks for your concern, truly. I am still very fearful and will call my SIL's father, who is fairly high ranked in the police department here. He's a very caring man and I'm also going to put my brother on alert. My parents already know and I've given them all his information (he sent me everything, even his address, I guess to show he's trustworthy or something?).Thanks again! This was a hard lesson that even if I'm pretty careful, I can still be even MORE carefuland I should...

Comment #11

Ya know give him another chance. Maybe he was just tired and he was quiet. Who knows...but dont blow him off yet and just because he hasn't had a serous relationship (thru Match.com) doesnt mean red flags. Even at 27...

Comment #12

OK I take it back give him a second chance NOT. just watch for weird things and let him now he is not to come by your place again. And if he doesnt listen and comes by....get a restraining order.  he may not come by again. It is sooo not cool for someone to look up and address like that. It would be one thing if youhave already let him know where you live or have invited him at one time but not this...that is creepy..

Comment #13

Good, I'm glad you have someone you can talk to about this.  And that is scary that you have to be cautious of saying what district you're in and that someone could find you even without that information....

I hope he leaves you alone but I'm glad you're taking precautionsand call about taking your address out of those white pages ASAP!.

Sheri..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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