Is for losers?

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My question is: Is for losers?.

Dear all,.

I need an advice from all of you who think you can help me. I live in Europe, 25yrs old. I had a relationship (thru more than a year ago, and it lasted more than a 3,5 yrs. We loved each other very much. Since we broke up (more than a year ago) we never communicated again. When we see each other we don't even say hi.

It was all fine, until he started to work for a boss with a long criminal record,who gave him money, fancy cars ... and everything turned upside down.... meanwhile, I left my job and went back to university. suddenly, he changed, stopped calling me, started to be rude to me.... so i'we decided to get over with that and try to find my happiness somewhere else..

Today, more than a year ago, he still works for the same boss, I have finished university, got a very good job, but I have a big problem. Since  I live in a smaller town (around 300.000 citizens), everyone know us. After our breakup, people asked both me and him what happened? I was reluctant to give explanation to anyone other than my close friends, but he was telling his side of the story to everyone and anyone..

People who knew us see me at the street and tell me about him gossiping. When people ask him what happened to us, he start telling them how he's over me, that he can have any girl that he wants, that I was always checking upon him, calling him and that I was very very jealous. As so, he couldn't stand me anymore and he had to left me( even tough I came to him with that suggestion since I couldn't stand his behavior anymore). He also says how he lost his freedom, and since it was a long term relationship, he was bored with me... and so on....

But the truth was (i found out months later) that he cheated on me, bringing low morality girls on his night shifts, with much approval from his new "friends" who have wives and cheat them on the daily basis.

The biggest question that I have is this one : If he says that he's so over me .... why does he keep telling people about us??? For God's sake it's been more than a year since our break up!!!Does he feel a need to hurt me because I have a new boyfriend who is so much better than him in many many ways? And he also have a new girlfriend (occasional one). So WHY???.

I was so angry yesterday when a girl approached to me and told me that story again.... so angry that I wanted to call him or stop him on the street and ask him why doesn't he leave me alone???!! Or maybe me contacting him is really what he wants to achieve.....???.

Please tell me what to do........... I don't really know how to react ....... I still have some feelings for him but I know that kind of relationship (thru can't work out and I know I'll be better without him..



PS excuse my english and grammar, english is my second language...

Comments (9)

First, it is not anyone's business why you broke up with him, and anyone who approaches you and either passes on gossip, or asks why your broke up is extremely rude. Answer any direct questions with a question of your own such as, "Why on earth would you want to know?" or "Why are you telling me this?" with a shocked expression on your face and a shocked or hurt tone of voice. This will make all but the most ignorant, insensitive jerk stop doing this. You turn a cold shoulder to the jerks..

Second, your ex fell in with a bad crowd and he is of a low moral character himself. Who cares about him? You have someone so much better. He's likely trash talking you in an attempt to make himself look good, but don't rise to his bait. Have nothing at all to do with him. He's only making himself look bad when he trashes you, and most people are wise enough to see that. It's the people down in the gutter with him who believe what he says and who cares what they think? Hold your head high and do your best to ignore him and his associates.

Show the world that you have class, and you won't have to say a word in defense against anyone who spews vicious talk from his place in the gutter..

Your English is very good. I've seen much worse from native speakers...

Comment #1

Here's what you do.  The next time someone brings the guy up you need to shut them down right away.  Say, "oh, he is such old news.  I am dating (online dating with a new guy who is wonderful."  If someone tries to press it - just say that you really dont wish to discuss him or your past with him.  You dont need to say "why" - but if they still push have to turn it around and ask..."why do you want to know?"..

Comment #2

Everyone else already gave you good advice, in my opinion.  They're right, it's no one's business and to indulge everyone by saying anything other than "___ (Insert the guy's name here) who?  Have a nice day" would just fuel the gossip.  When someone wrongs me in that way, they don't even exist anymore.   When people bring up the person, I just say, I have no idea who you're talking about.. and of course they know that I do, which makes it even funnier and they get the hint that that person is so off my radar and so meaningless to me that they don't deserve to have me acknowledge their existence : )       ..

Comment #3

Thank you very much for your advice..

I'm trying for so long to ignore this situation, but sometimes I just loose my patience. It's not really people stopping me on the street that bothers me... it's him and his side of the story. People who stop me don't usually ask me directly, but they want to tell me how they think he is such a big jerk, because most of those people think I'm a fine, smart, classy girl who don't deserve that. Actually I think that no one deserve that, no matter how good or bad she/he is..

I feel so much pain, because I loved him so much, gave him everything, looked after him, and always kept telling him to be honest and open with me, and if he ever feels like he's bored in our relationship, or he fells in love with someone else (it can happened to anyone, even- me, right??) to tell me and I will understand... and that was same for me too. I realized that my mistake was that I was too good to him..

The worst problem is that people who tell me his gossips, laugh at him, telling that he's so stupid because everyone know how much I worth, and that many other guys would be happy to be my boyfriends. Some of his friends also approached to me, telling me that they had a fight over me, because he talks bad things about me and they told him directly in his eyes to stop saying those things , because it ain't true. Some of his friends greet me and say hi when they see me and act very respectfully towards me..

He even had a fight with his best friend over me( they were THE BEST FRIENDS EVER), and they don't speak anymore. The fact is that he was the guy that every girl would dream to have.... taking care of me, calling me, sending good night SMS every night, buying me  favorite chocolate and bringing to my door not saying he'll come....

I just can't understand how can somebody change in a month and be such a jackass, and saying all those bad thing about me???? I can' t understand how can somebody LOVE ME to death , and then saying HE WAS BORED, that I kept calling him, hurrasin' him, stocking him. And all that when you call him once a day, to see how he's doin', and does he need anything????!!!!..

Comment #4

Hi amra1212,.

Welcome to the board!!!.

I agree that you should shut those bringing the news down right away.  My idea is to say "I've heard it all, and to be really honest - it doesn't matter any more.  It's been over a year.  But thanks so much for your concern."  I think you've been nice and are still telling everyone that you don't care.  Your BF will like this too.!!!.

Good Luck.



Comment #5

Hi Charite 99,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Glad to have you posting!!.



Comment #6

I am from Europe as well!  (I think she said she is from Europe?)  But to be fair, I have gone to an international school all my life where we have kids fromall over the world including the U.S. and Britain, so we use a mix of German and English at my school... ..

Comment #7

Hi Kristie,.

Thank you for welcoming me in such a nice way. To tell you the truth, that's something that I usually say to people when they ask me, or want to inform me.... and I also tell them... :" I don't really know why is he still talking about that,it's been over a year???" As so, people get the feeling that he's really saying all those things because he's hurt and upset with every person who even says my name..

I think he's just that type of guy who, when somebody hurts him, don't want to admit that he's hurt, but he's using every occasion, to hurt you back..

I remember, when I dated him, his ex girlfriend from Netherlands showed up, wanted him to get back together.... she didn't have courage to approach him, so she used his friends to tell him that she wants to speak with him, to get back together and to take him back to Netherlands with him..

He told me all about that, and he told his friends to tell her that he has a girlfriend and that's he's getting married next month. Even if he was my boyfriend at the time, I told him to at least speak with her, because I felt sorry for her (I knew she loved him very much), but he didn't even want to consider that... and guess why they broke up.... he cheated on her while she wasn't in town, and she have found out....

Looks like the story is repeating all the time..........

Comment #8

Some people never learn and continue to repeat bad decisions over and over again.  Try your best to move on and enjoy that great guy you have in your life now!!!.



Comment #9

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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