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Is Match.com for gays?

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My question is: Is Match.com for gays?.

My 2nd question is: Well. Last night was a HORRIBLE night. First, let me start out explaining my relationship. I have been going out with this guy for almost 8 months. Everything was going perfectly great. I would not question a single thing.

He gives me all the attention in the world. He calls me everyday and we see each other once or twice a week..

Well, last night.. I had to surf the internet on his PC. Well, guess what I saw in the history... come on, now guess? Well I will save time and just say it... two porn sites. That is right, not one, but TWO.

The last time he was at the page was yesterday because it was under that history tab. I did not mention anything about it.. nothing at all. Oh, not to mention.. one of these porn sites was a site to meet girls...

Not sure what the exact URL is.. and I do not even want to remember. ALl I know.. is it had howard stern on the top of the page saying something about how it's like facebook. Can you believe this crap? I am soo PISSED!! I just do not understand this...

I am such a great girl.. and why he would resort to that.. it just beats me. He was busy when I was surfing the internet.. I felt like getting a sticky note and putting: "REALLY? Come on now....

With the web site up... but I just did not..

What should I do? Pretend that I do not know about this? Confront him about this, or just break up with him like that? I feel like doing it right now.. because now... he loses some of my trust. Seriously. I mean what is worst, a boyfriend cheating on you with a girl in a different state, or a boyfriend looking up some porn dating (online dating with Match.com) site? Well, looks like I always get stuck with the assholes. OMG! I am just so furious right now...

I need some advice. Please! Someone guide me to the right path. Please, guys respond too.. because I want your input..

~Abby~..

Comments (15)

You should edit your post ASAP to take out the profanity before it gets removed.First, you say your instinct is to put a note on his computer that says "it's over". Do you want to break up over this? Then just do it.You say you always date using Match.com a-holes. Why is that? What do they have in common? People don't magically date using Match.com jerks, they choose jerks because for some reason jerks are attractive to them. Why is that?If your boyfriend were only using this site for porn and had no intent to meet anyone, would you still be upset?I think if you have any intention of staying in this relationship (thru Match.com) and not just leaving, you'll talk to him about what you found and tell him you are bothered by the thought that he is looking for other people for sex...

Comment #1

This is why I am divorced. My ex was always doing this kind of stuff. It's very passive aggressive. Your BF knew you were on his computer and he KNEW that stuff was on his computer, too. My ex would do that, it was my little "hint" from him that he found me lacking.I had a post divorce 'BF' do the same thing. I was looking for a newspaper story on line, he told me to look it up because he had read it earlier in the day, I hit the history button, and found a dating (online dating with Match.com) service for "married people looking for discrete affairs" as being logged on that day.Oh, and did I mention it was my birthday?If he was just "looking" and nothing was happening, maybe I can see that he might be interested in something that he isn't getting from you, or he's just curious.

You should say something, otherwise it will eat away at you. If he's a jerk about it, you have all you need to know. If he engages in an adult conversation, you maybe have something to work with...

Comment #2

I am not attractive to jerks.. I am just not. In fact, a friend that I trust introduced me to him. So I thought I was in good hands. Apparently, though, perhaps she was not aware that he is like this. That is the problem right there.

Espeically, this..

But, I am not sure about breaking up with him. I mean we had a great relationship (thru Match.com) until this came up. We never faught or disagreed with ANYTHING. yeah, there may have been some instances where he did upset me, but it was only minor. I am still upset over this. If he was just looking at it ijust to look at that crap, I am still upset.

END of STORY. I strongly oppose guys who look at this.. I hate it with a passion. Seriously. He did make me happy up until two days ago.

How could I be happy about this? Seriously, I will not forget it... he has made his mark with this..

We never had sex or anything like that. So now I am thinking he is getting to the stage where he just got tired of waiting. I am not going to have it either. He knows that.. so I do not know what is going on in his mind. I do not consider myself lacking at all.

Because you will not have sex? COme on now.. that is just so lame. I do everything that I could for that boy. Seriously. He is two years older than me, so I thought he would be mature..

He really is not computer literate.. so maybe, he was not aware that I could just see what his history was. Seriously, he is not. He just got the internet actually. So yeah, he probably did not expect me to see that..

Startover, I am so sorry to hear about that. ): I totally feel the pain, and it just stinks. ):.

~Abby~..

Comment #3

Honestly it's just PORN!!! Only 2 thank god not 10 there might be a problem. My dad who loves mom unconditionally had playboy around. Hes a guy it's just porn. I use to buy my EX husband Playboy...PORN. Its just a guy thing. And you attacking him is ganna break his heart.

Naked women doing dirty stuff. I am sure he masterbates to. Is that bad in yiour book as well. Talk to him dont attack him. You moght be feeling well I am not good enough you have to look at this stuff.

Which history were you looking the one you actually have to click and scan or the one in the tool bar. One would be an accident lookin and the other well that be snooping...and thats not cool...

Comment #4

It's PORN... he should not be looking at that. I am his girlfriend, and he KNOWS I hate that. So he SHOULD not be looking at that. Seriously. Listen, I have a REASON to look at his history.

My ex searched for someone on myspace and then he went up to her place... and he had sex with her. So, really, I am protecting myself from another jerk. It is important to know these things, that way.. I will not be all happy because everything is going well.Also, he just recenetly has been saying "I love you" every time he gets off the phone.

That he is paranoid? Someone PLEASE tell me.. thank you. He also gives me this bull about.. "ohh I love you, I really do.. I care for you." Well, clearly, NOT! If he cared for me, he would not even CONSIDER going to those dreadful gross sites.

Seriously. He needs to get himself straight.If I were to attack him because of this issue, and it broke his heart.. then wow! I am out of luck, and I should stop dating.. because CLEARLY there are no good men out there. Strike 3 and I am out..

I refuse to date using Match.com forever. I will just adopt children.. and have my small little family... no men allowed..

~Abby~..

Comment #5

If he is not having sex with you.. then .. just my opinion only .. there is nothing alarming about him looking at porn.  However, if he is looking at sites where there are live performances by women, or where he can meet women .. then you do have cause for concern and you might want to discuss the nature of your relationship (thru Match.com) with him (casual, steady dating, etc)..

On another note, many people do watch porn to masturbate, to use as a sexual aid with their partners .. so if your values are in conflict with his on this matter, it is also important to discuss values early on in the relationship (thru Match.com) so that you know whether or not this is a viable relationship...

Comment #6

No you have absolutly no right to be snooping. You are holding against him what others have done to to you and thats not fair one little bit.  A lot of men look at porn. It just naked women doing kinky stuff. And attacking him because of your insecurities is sad. Sad for you because walking away will not only hurt him but it wont help you get over the gfact that becaue a guy looks at porn you are less then....whatever you think you are less than..

Comment #7

First of all, I will start by saying I would not break up with a man because he looked at porn. I would not like it. But the fact is most men enjoy porn. As long as it was not obsessive, I would try to live with it.I think this is going to keep bothering you. It would probably be in your best interest to have a discussion with him about your discovery. I would be concerned by the site for meeting people and would definitely ask him about it. Hopefully he will be honest with you.Best of luck to you...

Comment #8

I don't know whether he was on the f***book account to meet other girls or just to look at porn, so I will simply address the porn issue. If you feel that strongly about porn, you shouldn't be with somebody who looks at it. There are men who have the same attitude towards porn as you do and avoid it all together for that reason. If he doesn't believe in giving up while he is in a relationship, then you are incompatible in core values. It doesn't make him a horrible guy. It just means that the two of you are incompatible in a key area...

Comment #9

This is absolutely true, amen - I agree it's tough to answer this post without knowing if her boyfriend is on the site looking for a real sexual encounter or just using it for porn, but you're right she should be looking for a man who feels the same as she does about porn.OP for the record, I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) a man who doesn't feel it's right to look at porn in a relationship (thru Match.com) (though I've told him I wouldn't mind if he did). Those guys are out there. I doubt you will find one who has never seen porn before or looked at it while single, but you may want to make one of your main criteria in a man "doesn't look at porn if he's in a sexually satisfying relationship".It makes me sad to see women getting so upset over finding a couple of porn sites in the internet history with men who treat them wonderfully. I don't think there is any man so perfect that he will always behave exactly as you want and will never have a mind that ever strays beyond thoughts of you...

Comment #10

Haha it's only porn. But then again, everybody is different..

I'm a 21 year old female and have nothing against it if it's every once in awhile...When they look at it ALL the time, then you have a problem..

Don't think of it as you not satisfying him. I, myself, watch porn sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not satisfied emotionally or sexually. It's just something that people do. More people do it than you think...

Comment #11

You are right in the fact that he shouldn't be looking at porn dating (online dating with Match.com) sites like that. However, there are some guys out there that looks at just straight porn for the visual/fantasy aspect of it and nothing more. Plus you stated you guys haven't had sex yet, is there some reason, or are you waiting for something more? It's one thing to look at porn but it's totally different where there's the possible infidelity with the porn dating (online dating with Match.com) sites. If you aren't willing to have sex, the likelihood of this continuing is pretty high. You can ask him about it, and say you came across this when you got on to his computer to get on the net. Unfortunately we all have needs, and sounds like he could be looking for it elsewhere. If you aren't willing to meet him at a certain point, then I think this RL is incompatible at this point in time...

Comment #12

Just because a guy has a girlfriend or even a wife doesn't mean his libido turns off.  Many men look at porn.  Men are visual and sexual creatures.  You say that you don't consider yourself "lacking" in any way.  Honestly, this really has very little to do with you BUT that said, the relationship (thru Match.com) IS lacking a sexual component.  Because it is, he went elsewhere to find it and that is porn and masturbating (most likely).  Again, his libido doesn't turn off because he's with a girl who doesn't want to have sex until marriage.  No, he didn't "get tired of waiting".  While in this relationship, he has ALWAYS had sexual urges and likely had his own way of taking care of it.  Since you are not having sex, he is satisfying his own urges.  He's not cheating on you.  He's a sexual being like most people.  He could have cheated on you and gone out and had sex with another girl, but he didn't.  He took care of it himself. .

I will say that I think it's a bit naive of you to expect him to not have any kind of sexual urges and/or take care of those urges while in a relationship (thru Match.com) with you.  I am not bashing your decision to not have sex with him.  That is an individual choice and you are very entitled to it.  It takes a strong person to stick with that.  But he also has EVERY right to satisfy his needs.  As long as he is doing it himself and not endangering his health or yours by cheating and having sex with others, then he is fine, IMO..

But I will also agree with the others that if this is such a deal-breaker for you that the guy you are with never, ever look at porn, that you are better looking elsewhere.  Those guys are out there, but they will be tougher to find. .

Regardless, you need to discuss this with him in a calm, rational, reasonable manner.  Don't attack, don't confront, don't scream and cry and wail and tell him what a disgusting human being he is.  Many, many men (and even women) look at porn as a sexual aid.  It's your preference not to use it or like it, but it doesn't make it wrong.  But TALK to him.  Tell him what you found and that it bothers you and discuss things like an adult instead of flying off the handle..

 .

 ..

Comment #13

"What should I do? Pretend that I do not know about this? Confront him about this, or just break up with him like that? I feel like doing it right now.. because now... he loses some of my trust. Seriously. I mean what is worst, a boyfriend cheating on you with a girl in a different state, or a boyfriend looking up some porn dating (online dating with Match.com) site? Well, looks like I always get stuck with the assholes. OMG! I am just so furious right now...

I need some advice. Please! Someone guide me to the right path. Please, guys respond too.. because I want your input."First of all, once you calm down, I think you should calmly approach him with what you found and ask what it's all about. If you don't, it will just eat away at you over time.

And trust me, a man cheating on you in any state is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than looking at porn. They are not even on the same scale. Not in the same CATEGORY. 2ndly, I think that you should break up with him, because if you believe that he has NO RIGHT to look at porn if he's with you, then this is not guy for you. Unfortunately, there aren't many men that haven't/won't look at porn; in my 40 years on this earth I have never known ONE man that doesn't like it/look at it.

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #14

Since you are more computer literate than he, then you should fully know and understand that if you get a pop-up window of questionable content, then it will leave a trace in your browser history.  There was a case a few years back where the domain name of whitehouse.com actually redirected to user to a porn site without their knowledge or consent..

There are two things you need to own up to as well..

1. You have no right to snoop on him looking for things to make him wrong..

2. You have no right to punish him for the actions of other men in your life that have absolutely nothing to do with him..

Perhaps he should be considering ending the relationship (thru Match.com) with you given your controlling ways and that you are holding him hostage for things that happened in your past.  No man should be obligated to take that nonsense and we need to be much more firm with women that attempt to inflict that on us..

Now, if you want to have a calm and rational discussion around porn use, then that is fair and reasonable...

Comment #15


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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