Is a waste of time?

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My first question is: Is a waste of time?.

My next question is: Well me and this guy used to see each other, we had great times but never got together (no sex either) that was 3 years ago.Hes since been in a 2 year relationship (thru where they were engaged for a year, living together for just over a year.They only broke up 3 weeks ago, but he insists he had feelings for me the whole time, pretty much ever since we met. Ive always cared about him and was crushed when I heard he was engaged. We've been hanging out a fair bit lately.Is it too soon for him to be with someone else? I dont want to be a rebound person......

Comments (10)

Your question was: Is a waste of time?.

What needs to happen is that he needs to work through all the b.s. he went through with the ex...anything that could amount to baggage before you and he date.  otherwise you pay for her crap.  If he dates you he needs to do so with as clear a mental and emotional state as possible so that he sees you and your actions correctly and is not reacting to the past.  There really is no timeline set in stone for these things since all people and relationships and situations are different...

Comment #1

Thank you for your reply.I went to his house last night and their are still photos of them together around the house. Not to mention she was calling him all night.I just told him (5 mins ago through email, slack I know) that we shouldnt hang out as much or as closely as we have been until they are completely over. She still has all her stuff there too.I know I sound like a selfish b***h but I dont want to get hurt......

Comment #2

I think you are doing the right thing.  After 3 weeks her stuff should be gone from his place and there shouldnt be anymore phone calls.  it does sound like they are not completely done..

What did he say when you told him not to contact you until they are completely over?  If he has all of these feelings for you why isnt her stuff packed in a box ready to go, pictures removed from viewing  and him telling her to not call?.

You have to have boundaries and limits.  There's a guy who doesnt want me to date using other men and that's fine but then I expect him to have absolutely no physical contact (like kissing) with other women, including for work - including projects not yet finished.  If he does do that or lies about it and I find out later...I am no longer "his" and I WILL yank myself out from under him and not look back.  Hopefully he understands that and doesnt do anything to test me because people have a tendency to underestimate me and that usually ends up as a bad move for them.  He doesnt strike me as foolish this way and he told me not worry about it, so that must mean that he made sure to have a smoochless 6 (?) months coming up.  Because it would be hypocritical of him to ask something of me that he wouldnt live up to himself.  Some people have a "legalized flirting" arrangement with their SO.  I dont consider kissing to be flirting I consider it to be cheating..

So you are thinking clearly and hopefully he didnt lie about his feelings for you and follows through for you..

Edited 7/17/2008 9:38 pm ET by ragingangel08..

Comment #3

Ok so this is what I emailed him....As for you and (her name) guys have been broken up for over 2 weeks. As far as I'm concerned, she shouldnt be calling you, her stuff should be out, there shouldnt still be photos up around the house and your myspace and facebook would be changed.If someone left me that I was engaged to, thats how I would act unless I didnt wanna let go.Im sorry, thats how I feel and it's not fair on meToo harsh? I think so, but atleast I'm telling him how I feel? When I told him this he insists how much he cares about me and that we have history etc......

Comment #4

Three weeks out of a 2 year relationship (thru does not bode well for you.  Especially since her stuff is still there and they are in contact.  He might think he is ready for a relationship (thru but he is deluding himself and you will get caught in the mess.  Usually a breakup hits women immediately, but guys it doesn't hit them until a couple months or so down the road..

I would let this one go, get on with your life, give him time to process the breakup and get his baggage in order before taking it any further...

Comment #5

Not too harsh at all.  Bravo for you for standing up for yourself and asking more of him...stretching him and making sure that he knows that you have standards.  It's nice that he insists how much he cares for you but...if any relationship (thru between you could needs to not overlap this broken engagement. If he wants a good relationship (thru between the two of you then he'll understand that he needs to step up the dismantling of the other relationship.  Did he say that they were broken up...or on a break?.

The way I feel about things in my situation is...when he is ready to make things more official is when we can have all the open and heartwarming talks he wants.  But the ball is in my gent's corner.  If he wants me to give...he has to give too..

I think he lurks here.  And whatever he does with his book..he does to himself. If you want to bury yourself in this..then go ahead.  What difference does it make what I think?  MY opinion matters?  Since when?  IMO, it is time to let that previous relationship GO...enough already!  Forget the "bitch" (as you call her) and move on and be happy she isnt going to go "psycho" on you anymore.   All of us have had to take losses in the relationship (thru dept.  To relay anything about that time to lots of people just isnt classy in my opinion.  I know you want to get your side of the story out about your break up and child custody travesty...but it has dragged on so long much more of your life do you want it to take from you?  Yes, I know the kid isnt even yours dude.  I could tell by looking at her.  No, I dont know who the real father is...but just look at her previous work history for a clue..hehehe. That's what my vibes tell me.   Arent you happy that I cant act or sing or dance?  And have a choice to or work.  let me know.  The flirting has been fun...but eventually we'll both need more...

Comment #6

Sorry, you lost me towards the end....?Thank you everyone for their advice.We had a big chat about this, and I think I was being a bit hard on him.Over the weekend he found out she had been cheating on him. Today her things are outside ready for pick up!If I didnt truly care abut him so much, I would let this one go....Ive decided to take things extremely slow and see what happens. If I feel that he still really cares and this isnt actually over then I will back away....Wish me luck!..

Comment #7

Three weeks after such a serious relationship. It's absolutely too soon. Yes, this sounds like it has the makings of being his  rebound relationship?  If you can't just be friends with him perhaps give him space.  He might even wind up getting back with his girlfriend - it's just too unpredictable a situation.


Comment #8


"Today her things are outside ready for pick up!"> good for you!.

"If I feel that he still really cares and this isnt actually over then I will back away...."> smart thinking and good luck..


Comment #9

Thank you for your replies.Completely get the whole 'rebound' thing. I havnt cared for a guy like this since my ex of 7 yrs, 3 years ago. So considering that, I will give it a go. But will tread carefully.Thanks everyone..

Comment #10

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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