Is a scam?

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My question is: Is a scam?.

My 2nd question is: I started seeing a single father this Spring, however, I've known him for several years.  Due to time constraints (we are on separate shifts and he has a second job/business) and his family, we've only had time for lunch or breakfast dates.  A month ago, I asked him if I could take him out for his birthday this last Saturday night, his birthday is next week and he already promised the weekend to some friends of his who want to take him out. .

At the time he told me he was 80% sure he could go.  Two weeks ago he said he was sure for the whole day and that maybe we should go for a motorcycle ride (my first with him).  I said fine, but I still kept the dinner reservations available because I really wanted and still hoped to have a real, dress up, go out date.  The dinner was supposed to be a surprise so I never told him much about it, just that I wanted to take him out.  On Friday, he met with me and told me that because he had problems at 2nd job and his daughter had planned a surprise party for him Saturday evening, he could only be with me for a few hours in the morning. .

I was heartbroken so I cancelled with him.  He didn't call until 5:30AM Saturday to talk with me. .

I broke down and we met, for a couple hours.  He said he was really scared to tell me on Friday because he had promised me the day. We talked and talked until he had to go at 9:30AM.   .

Back story on his daughter:  she is having a real hard time with him dating.  She is 17 and is giving him major guilt trips about having a "special friend".  He doesn't talk about it much, just says that she is having a really hard time about things. She is in counseling for her issues and her doctor has said to "keep and eye on her".  His son seems to be adjusting better, but he is older..

This is the first time I have dated someone with kids.  I have none of my own.  So, I'm in the dark.  All of the reading I can find is about men with younger kids giving them hard times about dating (online dating with and what women should do with younger kids.  I have not met her and her brother and there are no plans for that in the near future.   My guy has sole custody at the moment.  So I KNOW she has abandonment issues.  Although she seems like a really nice kid from what he's said about her.  She likes to take care of her dad and waits up for him when he comes home late from work. .

At what point does her behavior become something that really needs to be addressed or does it never?  Is this really common for a teen?  I don't bring up anything about her, I just listen and take it all in.  It's not my business how he handles it, but soon it will be my business how he treats me because of it and I'm scared of that moment..

I really love this man and I don't want to lose him because I can't wait long enough for his daughter to come around so he can stop sneaking around about me and for his business (2nd job) to calm down.  He is a good man and just trying to make it all work. .

How can I stress to him that I actually need to have an occasional real date using without adding pressure to his already over-stressed, exhausted life.  I'm busy enough myself that this would be fine with me, while things sort themselves out.   It makes me feel so selfish to feel bad about what happend this weekend.  But, I was soooo looking forward to it and every weekend from now until June is now booked with my responsibilities and June is filling up fast.  I told him this and he was visibly upset.  But, it can't be helped.

I know that someday, I may be forced to make a decision, but I'm really hoping that it will all work out.  Sooner rather than later. .

Anyone else been in this kind of situation?.

Advice?  I could sure use it..



Comments (6)

Well first I want to tell you kudos for finding a man that has his priorities inorder...huis kids are first. To have that in anyone now a days is a rare thing specailly for a man. You also must be prepared to be 2nd at all times till his kids are on thier own. You must also be patient with him and be spportive. You must also ask if you ever plan to have kids and if he ever wants more...his are grown he may not want any more.  As a single mom of 5 2 are adults 1 in js and 2 in Elemenary is dont get to have a lot of dating (online dating with time. I choose that.

Yes it is common for a teen girl to be protective of her father...wheres e mom did she leave for another man and maybe the teen is afraid of loosing her father. Or is there something else...she in counseling thats good and at some point her father willknow if it's a control thing or are tere issues that he still needs to be addressing with out you being involved..

And if you CANT WAIT????  Then cut him loose so he can find someone who can. Stop rushing it in the first place....things to go slow anyway and slower when kids are involved. Like I said if you cant be patient he will dump you because he is being pulled a lot of ways..he needs you support not your pull...

Comment #1

Hi Bitemex5,.

I agree with you.  He is wonderful and a real man.  I adore the fact that his family is so important.  In fact I adore everything about him and I know that he is in a hard place..

If I can't wait and I feel that my feelings have gone overboard, I will let him go, before I meet his kids. It's only fair that I make that decision.  However, I can hold out, if I can get a little time and understanding, too.  Believe me, my life is not easy to work with either.  I should have clarified that my time limit is not that short and I'm willing to give it a go for a while, but to be fair, I feel that I need a little too.  Right now, we work around his schedule and I adjust mine as much as I can. .

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that his daughter will come around to the idea of him having a relationship (thru with someone other than her mother and make it a little easier to schedule some dates!  I know that he cancelled with me mostly to be available for her surprise party.  He told me that he went that afternoon.  I understand that it was important for him to be there for her.  I really do, but, I won't lie, it still hurt.  Especially when I asked him a month ago to schedule some time for us on the only weekend available between us both.  He's had family obligations for most of the last month..

Maybe I'm viewing all of this through my colored glasses.  I am not young.  He is the first man I've felt so much for  in a long while.  He has stated that he wants to be with me, that he wants to have kids with me.  This was not a conversation I initiated, btw.  I feel the pull of my own clock ticking when I hear statements like that.  I'm only human! :-) and hopeful!  I just pray for the understanding and patience to not give up or press too soon! .

Thanks for the advice on kids!  They are such a mystery sometimes..



Comment #2

I canreassure you his daughter will come around in her time. Not anyone elses.

Lets look and the B-day dinner wanted to show him a specail time for his B-day right...any woman would ...but for show him how much you care for him...the best way to show him you care for him is to be very patient and very very supportive...yes he had to cancel... let it go. I am sure he is remembering how much you didnt get mad. That right there is worth more than any dinner.

I understand both sides of this...for the last 5 years I have been in love with a a single father whos daughter has a few issues. Short of it...we dated for awhile lunches mostly..his young daughter found out through a neighbor...she went into a depression. He has had sense then my 100% support as a friend and we have talked about dating (online dating with but not until his daughter is grown and then we shall see. Did I mention hes a cop....CRAZY life to begin with...what I am saying he appreciats my support and me not pushing him...and in return I have an amazig best friend with lots of wonderful advise when I need t. He will remember how supportive you are longer than he will remember a dinner...

Comment #3

Thanks! You are so right! I didn't get mad, but he did know I was disappointed, unfortunately.  I was and I don't have a very good poker face.  I hope she realizes that she will always be first with him, along with her brother..

I'm glad you caught my meaning earlier.   I thought maybe you were mistaken that I am in a hurry for engagement or something along those lines.  Been there done that and all...I want kids, but marriage I'm still afraid of.  What I was really talking about is how long to wait for him to make time for just a normal date. You know, calling attention to it. .

Good luck with your man.  I know that cop life.  It's tough to find time for anything in this profession. .

Take care!  Thanks for the good advice!.


Comment #4

Hi there LMK,.

I can direct you to a board where many of the women would have experienced what you are feeling now:.



Comment #5

Yes, you have to accept his priorities. If you can't, this situation is not for you.


Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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