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Is GF wrong to visit,talk interest guys

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Is what my GF doing in talking,flirting,being friends with,visiting with guys,who visit her,who want to flirt,date,marry her,wrong?.

Can you all please help me and my GF. I know my post is long, but can you all please read it.It would be so very greatly appreciated..

Here is some background about the situation with me and my GF.

Ever since we met,her friend Tanya has not liked me because Tanya's step mother met her father online.She almost hates her stepmother.So since I met my GF online, she has not approved of me.Tanya would say that me and my GF hadnt gone on real dates,etc etc.So she would naysay us to me and my GF's friends.These friends would naysay us to my GF,fill her mind with poison,and doubts.Now for 4 months we visited in person about 1 to 2 times per month.Everything was great,until all the constant hammering and naysaying me to my GF, started to have an effect, and she started to believe,and adopt their way of thinking,when in the past,she would say that they were wrong.So my GF started saying to me, that I didnt take her on real dates,that I didnt spend money on her,and that because I was reminding her about taking her meds,I was  controling,when it was my GF who asked that I remind her.And when I tried to tell my GF that I had spent $600 dollars on her, she didnt want to hear the truth,facts,etc. And so this caused arguments, and caused her to put me into the doghouse and give me the silent treatment.We were also having communication problems, because we both lacked relationship (thru Match.com) experience..

So we started to work things out and work on communicating better.And things started to get good again.Thats when cody came into the picture.Now my GF she doesnt have hardly any dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship (thru Match.com) experience, and she is naive,innocent,inexperienced.And so because of that,she started being friends with and flirting with, without even realizing what she was doing.Cody wanted to flirt,date her.Cody would call me to stalk and harrass me,tell me that my relationship (thru Match.com) with my GF was over, and otherwise try to sabotage me and my GF,and to try and steal my GF away from me.I had to threaten to call the police to get him to leave me alone.My GF said it was just an innocent friendship.She didnt see that she was playing with fire with Cody.Her best friend Tanya told her Cody was bad,I told her my friends that she knew,Robert,Jarret,Genesis,Squezy(screen name)and my Bishop all said that cody was bad.But she wouldnt listen to the truth about him. Then she realized that she wanted to flirt and date using Match.com Cody and what she was doing, so she decided that she would stop what she was doing with Cody.But Cody beat her to the punch,and rejected her in a mean way,and hurt her.And so we worked through this problem and things started getting better and good again..

Then she started flip flopping,and started taking steps back in our relationship (thru Match.com) whenever it would get good again.Then she started being friends with guys who were interested in her.Now this happened because she didnt tell guys,other people that I was her BF.And thats because when she was on a gaming site,playing a game,some guys hit on her,and she told them that she had a BF,and when they found out about that,they started calling her the worst names,names that I wont say here.And also she didnt have a lot of friends,and so whenever,men and women in general would find out she had a BF,they would not be her friend, and so she felt rejected.And so because she didnt want guys hurting her, and calling her names,when they found out I was her BF,and didnt want to be without friends,and didnt want people to naysay me to her anymore,she stopped telling people that I was her BF..

Now because of what she was doing,Cody wanted to flirt and date using Match.com her again.But she says that she doesnt want to be nothing more than casual to good friends with him,and doesnt want to flirt and date using Match.com him.I have told her that the people she knows,in squezy,robert,jarret,genesis,my bishop all say that it's not right or proper for her to be friends with,visiting,talking with a guy like Cody who wants to date using Match.com her.

And then while this happened.She met a crazy guy online,called Gery.After 2 weeks of talking with my GF,Gery has decided that he is going to visit her for 4 days on october 14,propose,marry her,give her roses,and a ring,etc.It has been about 5 weeks since then.My GF said that she thinks he is weird,creepy,etc.And then Gery IMed me,and told me my relationship (thru Match.com) with my GF was over. Gery has been saying bad things to my GF about me.He has demanded that she change her phone,and that she shouldnt talk with me.He wont accept or believe that me and my GF are in a relationship.All this has caused my GF to think he is weird,creepy.But then she changes what she is saying, and says that he is not crazy.

My GF says that she only wants to be friends with Gery,and nothing more than that.But then she ask me, how would I react if she were to marry Gery.She says the reason why she asked that was because Gery said that I was crazy, and that I wouldnt let her marry Gery.She told him that I wasnt crazy,and that I would.So she asked me that question about how I would react to her marrying Gery, to prove to him that I wasnt crazy. Then I asked my GF if she did want to marry him, she said she doesnt want to flirt,date,marry him,and only wants to be a friend to him. But then other times I have asked about that, she says that she doesnt think she wants to flirt,date,marry him, but that sometimes she thinks or feels she doesnt know, and so gets confused..

Now on a regular daily to weekly basis,my GF tells me how much she loves me and how she wants to stay with me and how much she is attracted to me and has a special connection and bond with me.We have been together in a exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) for almost 8 months now.And when she tells me how she has all these feelings for me,she sounds so very sincere,honest,truthful.But then she continues to do what she is doing with guys like Cody,and Gery.My GF tells me that it's nothing more than innocent friendships with Cody and Gery. I have told her that to me, talking,flirting,visiting with them Cody,Kirk,Gery, is dating, 2 timing,and cheating on me.I told her that robert,jarret,squezy,genesis,my bishop,all think the same thing that what she is doing is wrong with Cody,Kirk,Gery,and other guys, and that she needs to stop doing what she is doing with those guys..

So my GF has agreed to have or let me post this here, and ask you all, what you all think,and if what my GF is doing is wrong with these guys.Because maybe I am wrong,maybe robert,jarret,genesis,squezy,my bishop,is wrong..

So can you please help, and direct your responses to both me and my GF(she is going to be reading my post and the responses),and tell me and my GF if what she is doing with these other guys is wrong..

I would greatly appreciate the help.

Thanks for the help.

Sincerely.

Mike..

Comments (11)

Your question was: Is GF wrong to visit,talk interest guys.

Uh, I'm having trouble believing this isn't a joke because her behavior is so outrageous.  But if this is a real post, then, no, her behavior is not acceptable, at least not since the two of you have agreed to be exclusive..

It's up to you whether you put up with it or move on.  If I was with someone who was doing that to me, though, I would end it for sure..

Sheri .

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Comment #1

I believe your GF is not appreciating the fact that she has a BF and maybe she isnot ready to have a steady boyfriend so instead of staying with her, why dont you just leave?  Any woman who picks a man who is harassing her boyfriend is not worth keeping. Instead of trying to alter her behavior why dont you control the only thing you can control..which is YOUR behavior and leave and then you will be happier down the road...

Comment #2

Thanks for your comments.She says she is not picking them.She says that she loves me,is attracted to me,has a special connection to me,and wants to stay with me,etc.She says that she doesnt want to flirt,date them,and only wants to be casual to good friends with them.She sends me loving ecards and emails to me all the time.And she chats with me on messenger,and text messages me, and talks with me on the phone.She sounds so incredibly sincere,honest,truthful,when she expresses those feelings that she says she has for me to me.We share such love and intimacy when we are talking,chating,and are together..

I see what you are saying,although I think you misunderstand when you say she is picking these guys over me.Maybe she is maybe she isnt.She says she isnt.But I see what your saying..

I have talked with her about this.If she continues to talk with those guys,and be friends with them,and visit with them and date using Match.com them,me and her will have a separation and simulated break up..

So when I talked to her the plan was for her to first see what you are all saying about how what she is doing is wrong.The reason for this is that maybe she really truthfully honestly doesnt see what she is doing is wrong, and thus needs people to point it out to her.Then she has 1 to 2 weeks to stop doing what she is doing with these guys, and if she doesnt stop, we will have that separation,and simulated break up..

The reason why I havent broke up with her,and am doing this separation,and simulated break up, is that there's that qoute "Sometimes you dont know what you got til it's gone." Also I believe her when she says how much she loves me and wants to stay with me.Also I love her so very much.I believe her when she says she doesnt want to lose me.And earlier when I was feeling like I couldnt take it anymore or endure anymore.I gave her an ultimatum, that she stop doing what she was doing with those guys, or I was going to break up with her.I then asked her what her decision was, and she she didnt know.And so I told her I was breaking up with her.And when I did that, she begged me to please not do that. And then she started hyper ventilating,and panicking, and she was crying.And I thought she was going to die on me,or have a heart attack.And it was killing both me and her when I was going to break up with her..

So I when I got calmed down and when she got calmed down.I told her that the door was still open, and that I would give her 1 to 2 weeks to stop what she was doing with these guys, and that instead of breaking up with her, we would have a separation,and simulated break up instead..

So I see what you are saying,but what you are saying to do is easier said than done..

Thanks for your comments.

Sincerely.

Mike.

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Comment #3

"I have talked with her about this.If she continues to talk with those guys,and be friends with them,and visit with them and date using Match.com them,me and her will have a separation and simulated break up.".

Okay, I dont understand your methods and ways...but I'm not a guy.  The way I see it, she has to decide what she wants in her life you or the ability to get her ego stroked by every guy she meets. .

You dont understand..she doesn't pick THEM over you...she picks herself over you...she is selfish.  She wants it all...do I make any sense here?  When someone behaves the way she behaves..she is like an insatiable little child when it comes to attention. She may be narcissistic. So when she starts bawling her eyes out when you talk about leaving...who cares?  She's crying for herself...not because she is losing you.  There is a difference and I believe that we all deserve people who appreciate us NOW not later and not because they lose us because of their stupidity..

"The reason why I havent broke up with her,and am doing this separation,and simulated break up, is that there's that qoute "Sometimes you dont know what you got til it's gone.".

I think that's b.s. or a nice cop out..."dont know what you have til it's gone".  Reason being...she knows very well RIGHT NOW what she has...she cant control herself...her ego prevents her from doing so.  Sometimes people have faulty wiring upstairs and they are very selfish and selfcentered and dont want to control themselves because they dont feel they have to.  Even if she commits to changing her actions...they will resurface eventually if she doenst deal with the root cause as to why she takes you for granted.  Just controlling actions doesnt make a person "changed"..

"So I when I got calmed down and when she got calmed down.I told her that the door was still open".

She is very lucky...because most men would have kicked her to the curb by now and they would have been justified.  I am not that forgiving when someone treats me like garbage because it doesnt ever 100% go away..

Sometimes I think breaks in a relationship (thru Match.com) are a good idea when things get out of control and people just start to react to each other all the time and continue fighting and then everything cyclones.  Sometimes breaks make you realize you need to learn how to do a better job of listening, communicating, and contributing.  Sometimes breaks make you realize you need to end things.  It all depends what brought you to that point..

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Comment #4

I forgot to add something in my previous reply to you.  When you talk to her about her picking guys to flirt with and tempt fate with...you need to make sure that she understands that you KNOW that it is all about HER and not about the guys.  You...Mike...are not in competition with these guys...you are in competition with her ego.  So try to change the course of your lives and make sure that the conversation stays focused on her and her insecurities and need for stimuli, maybe some drama...because that is the basis of her acting out.  She may bawk at your suggestion...but it will be true.  I have dealt with this type of personality in a male version before.  They need to be in control, they pick people who are good at heart generally speaking and who will provide excuses for their bad behavior and it never goes away because they (the people like your GF) do not ever confront themselves or their behavior and take responsibility for their behavior. They allow this "need" to control their lives...

Comment #5

I can understand some of why you say what you say.I agree with a little of it,but disagree with some of it to.I dont think your understanding what I was saying, and are picking apart what I said,and not reading,listening,taking into context,the whole of everything I said..

As an example.What part of "she is naive,innocent,inexperienced" did you not understand.Its not just her word,but my own observations,of me,our friends,and her mother,and relatives of hers,that has shown that she is naive,innocent,inexperienced..

What part of "she doesnt seem to see that what she is doing is wrong with the other guys." didnt you understand. based on experience and observations, when she doesnt see that something is wrong,she will continue to do it, but when she understands that something is wrong,she most of the time wont do it and will most of the time stop doing the thing that is wrong to do..

What part of "She was hyperventilating,panicking,crying,almost having a heart attack and dying" did you not understand. I know the difference between if she was crying for herself or for losing me. What she was doing was not fake.She really was going thru hyperventilating,panicking,crying,almost having a heart attack and dying.It was real and not faked.It was because she honestly,truly didnt want to lose me.I have been with her for almost 8 months I would be able to tell,if she was faking it..

Now about some of the things you said:.

"Okay, I dont understand your methods and ways...but I'm not a guy.  The way I see it, she has to decide what she wants in her life you or the ability to get her ego stroked by every guy she meets." .

That might or probably is true..

"You dont understand..she doesn't pick THEM over you...she picks herself over you...she is selfish.  She wants it all...do I make any sense here?  When someone behaves the way she behaves..she is like an insatiable little child when it comes to attention. She may be narcissistic. So when she starts bawling her eyes out when you talk about leaving...who cares?  She's crying for herself...not because she is losing you.  There is a difference and I believe that we all deserve people who appreciate us NOW not later and not because they lose us because of their stupidity.".

She sometimes is like a child,because of her naiveness,innocence,inexperience,when it comes to dating (online dating with Match.com) and relationships.But she is not narcissistic,and she isnt stupid.Yes she is doing wrong and making mistakes,But we all make mistakes,You,me,her,everyone,none of us is perfect.She needs to see that what she is doing wrong,not have people beat her up over it,and call her names.Remember she is probably going to be reading all this.And your being extremely harsh.She needs compassionate kind caring loving constructive criticism, so that she will see what she is doing is wrong,and that she will be motivated to stop doing what she is doing.If she doesnt feel loved,cared for,and feels beat up over this,she is not going to be motivated or want to do the right thing.For example:I have noticed that when preachers preach hellfire and damnation,that it doesnt help a person to stop sinning and doing wrong.But when you get a person to see that what they are doing is wrong and give them positive motivation,for them to want to change.Then when that happens they will usually change.People dont respond well to hellfire and damnation preaching or tactics.And that goes especially for my GF..

"I think that's b.s. or a nice cop out..."dont know what you have til it's gone".  Reason being...she knows very well RIGHT NOW what she has...she cant control herself...her ego prevents her from doing so.  Sometimes people have faulty wiring upstairs and they are very selfish and selfcentered and dont want to control themselves because they dont feel they have to.  Even if she commits to changing her actions...they will resurface eventually if she doenst deal with the root cause as to why she takes you for granted.  Just controlling actions doesnt make a person "changed".".

Well maybe because she is naive,innocent,inexperienced,doesnt see that it is wrong,etc,maybe because of that, that that's the reason why she might or probably has a hard  time not doing what she is doing with these guys.As to what you said about dealing with the root cause, thats true. The root cause of why she is doing what she is doing,is the following reasons. 1. She doesnt see that what she is doing is wrong. 2.She doesnt have a lot of friends,and wants friends. 3.Because of what she is doing, it is putting strain on us feeling connected etc,and that is making it easier for her to do what she is doing..

The way to solve or fix the root cause, is 1. for her to see that what she is doing is wrong.2.To encourage her make right good friendships.3.Focus on our love,connection,bond,relationship..

Mike.

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Comment #6

Get over yourself, grow up and stop being a doormat and a wuss...

Comment #7

First of all...the "what part of...did you not understand" is rude and condescending to say to someone who you are reaching out to for advice. Obviously you bite the hand that feeds you which is not cool.  I can see if I was disrespectful to you, but I was not.  So keep that tone for your "naive" little girl..

Secondly:  "What part of "she is naive,innocent,inexperienced" did you not understand.Its not just her word,but my own observations,of me,our friends,and her mother,and relatives of hers,that has shown that she is naive,innocent,inexperienced.".

So what?  Who cares if she is naive, innocent and inexperienced?  If she is mistreating you soooo much then you are making excuses for her, thus yourself.  Maybe the problem is YOU and she is acting out..

"What part of "she doesnt seem to see that what she is doing is wrong with the other guys." didnt you understand. based on experience and observations, when she doesnt see that something is wrong,she will continue to do it, but when she understands that something is wrong,she most of the time wont do it and will most of the time stop doing the thing that is wrong to do..

So what? Who cares if she doesnt see that she is doing anything wrong?  If she changes, she changes because she wants to.  If she does not change, then she doesnt.  She obviously doesnt see she is doing something wrong...you have different values...so any relationship (thru Match.com) with her will be difficult..

What part of "She was hyperventilating,panicking,crying,almost having a heart attack and dying" did you not understand. I know the difference between if she was crying for herself or for losing me. What she was doing was not fake.She really was going thru hyperventilating,panicking,crying,almost having a heart attack and dying.It was real and not faked.It was because she honestly,truly didnt want to lose me.I have been with her for almost 8 months I would be able to tell,if she was faking it..

So what?  Who cares if she is crying?  She is hurting you, according to you, and she doesnt learn from her mistakes...she will always cry because she feels bad that someone is upset with her. THAT DOESNT MEAN SHE LOVES YOU get over her and yourself and maybe you'll have  a decent life..

"Remember she is probably going to be reading all this.And your being extremely harsh.She needs compassionate kind caring loving constructive criticism, so that she will see what she is doing is wrong,and that she will be motivated to stop doing what she is doing.If she doesnt feel loved,cared for,and feels beat up over this,she is not going to be motivated or want to do the right thing.".

You came to wrong board expecting us to do your dirty work...this is an advice board. While some people, like me, do try to support people...the majority of the posts are seen as looking for advice...you want us to play therapist with her and tell her she is wrong - take a hike.   I am not being harsh.  I would tell her the same thing..."you have an issue with attention from men.  Maybe because you havent experienced much of the world yet or it is your ego...so...get out there and see the world and drop this guy who seems to need to control everything in your life.  I dont blame you for wanting another guy.  Have you tried couples counseling?".

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Comment #8

You are being rude,disrespectful,mean,harsh,assuming.You may not feel that you are,but you are being that way.First you pick apart everything I say and misread it and misunderstand it.Thats like people who read in the bible where it says that "God repented" and they pick apart scripture,and take 1 word out of context, and misread or misunderstand..

So since you do that,then asking what part of fill in the blank didnt you understand, is not being condescending.I wouldnt need to do that,if you wouldnt keep on forgeting,misunderstanding,assuming,being mean,harsh,disrespectful.Also the intent was to not be condescending,but to draw serious attention those specific things,since you seem to ignore,not read,not listen to,misunderstand,forget,assume,when it comes to those specific things.Also I am not biting a hand that offers advice.Note how I didnt respond to the first poster who gave advice, the way I responded to you.Thats because the first poster not mean,disrespectful,harsh,rude,assuming,like you have been..

Also I have not been controlling every part of her life. She is free to whatever she wants.I wont force,control to make her doing something.I will sometimes ask her to do something,and when I do it's up to her whether she does it or not.I wont nag her or push her nonstop to do something.I might remind her or re ask once in a great while,but thats it.Also while I wont force her to do something,there are consequences for actions.I wont do something to dish out consequences to control her.For example,because of what she has been doing what she has been doing with cody,gery,I might probably say:"GF's name:what you are doing with cody,gery, is wrong.I am not saying that to hurt you or make you feel bad.When you do what your doing with cody,gery,I am hurt by it.I dont want you to be hurt,or feel bad about what I am saying.I dont want you to feel controlled,and so it's all up to you if you want to stop doing what you are doing with cody,and gery.But if you dont stop,then it's a natural consquence that I will be hurt,and so because of that,I might probably have a simulated separation from you.I dont want you to feel that you have gloom or doom over your head.I dont want you to feel controlled.So if you want to do what your doing it's up to you."And I will leave it at that.I dont think thats being controling. .

And also she has asked that I remind her to take her meds,I dont constantly nag her about that.I will say something like "So how were the meds" and leave it at that.Or if she keeps forgetting to take her meds I will once in a while say something like "GF's name: you asked me to remind you to take your meds,and your forgeting,why are you forgeting,and is there anything that can be done to help you not forget.Do you want to take your meds?Do you think it's important to your health to take your meds?"Then we will discuss it for a little.But I wont beat the issue to death..

So I am not controling her.But you say that I am a bad man and that I am controling, and that she should drop me.You make a lot of assumptions,when you dont even know the situation.You dont know her or how she is.You dont know me or how I am.You dont read,understand the whole of what I am saying.You do what some people do and how they pick apart the bible and pick out and apart the phrase "God repententh" and thus say God needs to repent when God doesnt need to repent.You do the same type of thing with what I say.You pick apart what I say, and take it out of context,and misunderstand it, and me,instead of taking the whole of what I said in context. I am not saying these things to attack you or be rude or disrespectful or condescending to you.I am not biting your hand.If you will treat me and my GF with some respect,and not be rude,disrespectful,assuming,not pick apart what I say, and not take them out of context,and if you will not be harsh,mean, then I would welcome further comments or advice from you. Otherwise I am done with responding to you..

Mike.

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Edited 10/5/2007 4:33 pm ET by michaelalas.

Edited 10/5/2007 4:39 pm ET by michaelalas..

Comment #9

Your probably right maybe I am being a doormat, and a wuss. My friend Jarret who has seen what she has been doing, says that I have been doing the right thing, and that I have been more than fair. When I talked to him about how if after a week or 2 or whenever gery goes to visit her,if she visits with him,and if talks with him,and if flirts,dates him,and if be friends with him, that I would then probably have a simulated separation from her,he said that I should then stick to that and not be a doormat and put my foot down..

Based on what you have said,it seems you are,would tell me the same thing as my friend jarret did.So you are probably right that I am being a doormat, and that I probably need to stop being or doing that. But I dont agree when you say that I need to grow up and get over myself.I am not obsessed about myself.And I dont think I am acting like a child. My friend jarret doesnt think I am obsessed about myself,and doesnt think I am acting like a child..

So I will do the best I can to take what you and my friend jarret is saying to heart,and not be a doormat. Even though it's easier said than done, in regards to my GF. Jarret agrees with that, but says that while it's easier said than done, I need to follow the nike phrase, and just "do it".

So while I am going to follow,stick to what I have decided to do the best I can,in the meantime, I am going to take some advice from a newletter by Mort fertel on relationships, where he says to spend more time on the positive, and on reconnecting,and on our love, and on listening,supporting,understanding,etc.He says ultimatums in and of themselves dont do anything good for you or the other person,and that the ultimatums need to come with giving the person love,caring,support,and a reason to want to be motivated from within to change. He says when you give a ultimatum, you dont give them motivation to want to change or stop doing what they are doing. So he said,if you are going to give an ultimatum, dont hang it over their head all doom and gloom like, and be serious about going thru with it,or dont give the ultimatum,and to change yourself, and to give more love,listening,supporting,understanding,etc, to give them a reason to want to stop or change.And that if after that they dont stop and change, then to go through with and do the thing,that you would do in the ultimatum,if it's the right thing to do, and to learn and grow from the experience..

So thats what I am going to do. Anyways,thanks for the comment..

Mike.

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Edited 10/5/2007 5:25 pm ET by michaelalas..

Comment #10

I didnt bother to read your post because it was way too long and filled with too much garbage.  You seem to have issues that have nothing to do with this board so find support on a board that is more in line with what you are asking of us here...

Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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