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I'm ready for marriage, he isn't...

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I feel like such a stereotype, but I'm 31 and I'm ready for marriage, family, etc. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We've talked about it, and he's not interested in those things at this point in his life. I love him, but I don't know how long I would have to wait until he is ready, or whether I would be "the one" when he is. If I was 21, this wouldn't be an issue, but at 31, I don't feel that I have the luxury to "waste" 5 years waiting for him to make up his mind. I know if I break up with him, I'm going to be devastated for a long time (it took me two years to fully get over an ex) and won't be ready to emotionally move on for a while.

How long should I wait before making a decision to stay or go? What should I do?..

Comments (7)

Your question was: I'm ready for marriage, he isn't....

Here is the thing - a man's readiness for marriage, commitment, family, etc are not remotely connected to lenght of time of your relationship. Its much like being hungry - you just 'are' and there is not set time before a person realizes they are hungry. And when they realize they are hungry - then they go eat. So - you can wait and wait and wait and still haveno better idea in 2 years or 5 years with him or you can give YOURSELF a time limit on this, say 6 months to revisit the idea - tell him that you want marriage and family etc, that you love him and want those things with him. If he doesn't want that that's fine but you have to do what you have to do - even if it's move on.Many women sell out what they want for the man they are with because they don't truly believe that they will find someone that wants what they want. And in doing this they do waste a lot of time on relationships that aren't meant for them.Hon, if you want marriage and family and he doesn't - focus on what YOU want and move towards that goal.

But what you want is not a condition of what he wants. Don't lose sight of that fact. Be willing to walk away to get what you want. He may simply be the wrong man for you..

Toni..

Comment #1

Thanks for your reply tonitoons. I think you're right in that I have to set a deadline for myself to make a decision. I definitely fear that I won't find someone who wants what I want, and sometimes I think I've already invested a lot of time on my current boyfriend, so I should hold on longer. But I know I'll kick myself in 5 years if things still haven't changed and I could have spent that time looking for someone who wants what I want. I think 6 months is a good deadline. I know you sort of picked it arbitrarily, but I think I'll bring it up again in the new year. Thanks again...

Comment #2

Look - fear of not getting what you want does one thing - keeps you from getting it. If it's in your heart - a sincere desire for something - not someone - then it is possible to find. Basically you get what you settle for - so why not decide to settle for what you want?.

Toni..

Comment #3

The thing is...does he want marriage *at all*? Does he want kids? What are his long term goals? These things are very important to know because if he does want those things eventually then he may not want it bad enough now with you or any woman right now. He may just be content having a girlfriend with no long term aspirations. You do need to have a timeline in your head so you can move on and make your life happen with or without him...

Comment #4

You are still young, just 31, but yes you don't want to necesarily spend 5 years in a relationship (thru Match.com) that won't ultimately move forward.  Have you discussed his ultimate goals, potential time table, if he can see it happening with you?  I don't think you need to instantly call it quits or issue an ultimatum but have a clearer idea of where he's at, and how long if ever it might take him to move to where you want to go. .

,..

Comment #5

Hey I say that you two have to want the same things. You could be waiting along time on him to say hes ready! I know it's hard to try to move on and find someone new but that someone new could be "the one" and want to get married and have a family just like you. If you do decided to break up don't be down too long be excited and ready to find mr right and start your life with him!!! Good luck!..

Comment #6

I was with my ex for three years when I finally told him I couldn't wait for him to make up his mind any longer. When I asked him whether or not he wants to get married all he could say is "I don't know" and "I'm not there yet." So I broke up with him. He still calls me, still wants to see me, still loves me, but he doesn't want to get married. It's a shame because other than the marriage dilemma we're a great couple. However, the longer you wait for this guy to give you a real answer, not the whole "I'm not there yet I don't know" line, the more and more frustruated and depressed you'll get as you start hearing about people who've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 1-2 years and are now engaged with a whole wedding planned. If marriage is what you ultimately want, you'll only start resenting him more and more.

I started to think not only what's wrong with him, but what's wrong with me. It was a sad feeling and I couldn't take it anymore. And, keep in mind, there are quite a few stories out there of guys who are with a woman for 4-5 years, then they break up, and six months later the poor girl finds out that the guy's engaged to someone several years younger. I know of a story like that myself and I'm sure the ex-girlfriend felt terrible upon hearing her long-term boyfriend quickly and eagerly tied himself to another woman he knew for only a few months...

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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