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If you could choose only one, would it be eHarmony, Match.com, or Yahoo Personals?

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My first question is: If you could choose only one, would it be eHarmony, Match.com, or Yahoo Personals?.

My next question is: Girl/woman meets guy. Girl/woman likes guy and still isn't sure how guy feels. This is usually the type of scenario that we see. Let's make a productive list of things that she should NOT do just to keep the guy. And yes, while some things vary by situation, there are others that make sense to avoid no matter what.

I'll start:.

(1) Sleeping with, aka 'hooking up with' someone you've just met, or when you have no clue what the relationship (thru Match.com) is. I find a lot of women do this, justify sleeping with the guy - and then feel horribly if things don't turn out how they planned. My point is, if he's worth it he'll wait. Of course, this does not apply to people who are OK with 'hook ups' and don't expect anything more..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comments (17)

Your question was: If you could choose only one, would it be eHarmony, Match.com, or Yahoo Personals?.

I think it's much more productive to discuss what to do rather than NOT do.  If you're not sure, why waste time and energy.. just ask the guy.  If yes, super.  If not, move on.  If he's not sure, move on.  Case closed.  The main reason it gets dragged out is because people dont have the guts to confront others and be direct so within that time they are overthinking, making everything more complicated than it actually is, and everything goes to hell.

Ok, here's a what NOT to do then.. don't overanalyze, don't drag it out.  Just go and talk to the guy and get it done - rock it out or move on...

Comment #1

I see what you mean, and I agree. But the whole idea of not wanting to confront the other person is what makes some people do things they end up regretting. That's why I put it as 'what not to do', rather than 'what to do'..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #2

Ok,(2) Making assumptions that he wants a relationship (thru Match.com) based on either the way he acts OR what he says without taking both of these into account fullyand maybe...(3) Thinking that the more you give him, the more he'll like you. Acting like his mom isn't attractive...

Comment #3

4)trying to draw blood from a stone - trying to think of ways to get him to want a deeper commitment or want you more.  Either he wants you or he doesnt want you and if he doesnt know...then assume he doesnt want you.  At least..not bad enough...

Comment #4

Be yourself! The worse thing you can do is pretend to be someone you r not thinking that it will keep the guy interested in you!  HAVE confidence and BE assertive! Trust me you can do it without necessarily being a b***h!  Do not make yourself available to him whenever he wants to meet with you and don't answer all of his phone calls. I know, for honest good women we think that's ok but it's not.  It makes you look desperate, crazy about him and therefore have NO life outside your relationship (thru Match.com) with him.  Guys like women who can sort of let them know they have other equally important stuff in their life other than HIM! Believe it or not try it one day and you'll see. I made the same mistake before and the guy started to look else where.  Mind you I though I was a good catch: I have a masters, make tons of money, I am in my mid-twenties, size 4, 5'6, long hair, gets a lot of attention from men, I take care of him.....without asking anything in return...YET how can it be so hard? I let him talk and dominate me so he thought I didn't have an opinion anymore! the only reason I let him be is because I thought  he wouldn't look at me as being too motherly and naggy! on the contrary he thought I didn't have an opinion! So I started giving him my opinions alright and I have to tell you that he respects me more. The one thing I need to work on is not being available all the time.  I am not into games, but it's a shame that you have to still plot to make a relationship (thru Match.com) last. Oh, last but not least, you need to set your standards from the get go about what type of person you are.....

Comment #5

I believe you intended your response to the original poster - it came to my email instead...

Comment #6

I would agree that a 'What to do' list is more productive than what NOT to do - women already know what NOT to do but do it anyway..

However, to play along:.

WHAT NOT TO DO -.

HIDE or DENY your feelings - the truth is the truth whether you want to believe it, like it or wish it were otherwise. The longer you hide, the more unnecessary pain you will bring upon yourself.

TRY TO CONVINCE HIM OF HOW GREAT YOU ARE - he either gets it or he doesn't. And if you have to convince someone of what a great lady you are - then you are in a totally losing position. Never BEG for a man's attention - if you have to convince him, you are begging/.

Be afraid to state what you want or need to be happy - no one is a mind reader. In order to get, you must first know what you want. Then you must ask for it. You don't go to a restaurant and expect the waiter to know what you want or to just bring you what HE wanted to feed you. Relationships are the same - you must let others know what you want and need - including when they have crossed boundaries.

Express your anger when he has done something not ok with you. No one will treat you better than you require them to. If you don't tell someone when they've crossed a boundary, they will learn that it's ok. Silence is acceptance. Women would rather be hurt than be angry! Anger is a signal that something is not right - and when expressed properly, it offers you a chance to grow and build trust. Holding in every unexpressed hurt he ever did to you is just stupid.

Be afraid that he will leave if you tell him what you feel or want. he might - not because you want it, need it or feel it - but because HE isn't able to offer what you want or need or to reciprocate feelings. your future is never tied to someone who can leave you. Get over it and move on. you were not promised a future with every man that you date..

Expect a commitment from every man you date. One date using Match.com doesn't entitle you to another. 10 dates doesn't either. dating (online dating with Match.com) 10 months doesn't entitle you to a relationship (thru Match.com) and 2 years doesn't entitle you to a marriage. Commitments aren't based on schedules - they are based on compatibility and a willingness to grow together.

Keep doing what obviously isn't working. If you are in the breakup/makeup cycle - obvioulsy something isn't working. If he keeps disrespecting your or hurting your feelings - obvioulsy something isn't working. If crying, talking, or otherwise trying to convince him to see things your way (and he isn't getting it) - it obviously isn't working. When things 'work' - it goes smoothly, like clockwork, without a hitch. Do what works - you will feel good when you do..

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO:.

TRUST your instincts - when you feel bad, anxious or afraid about someone - RUN.  No one rationalizes or tries to figure out why a building is on fire when they are in it. Your heart will never lead you astray - learn to listen to it sooner rather than later..

 .

Toni..

Comment #7

That is a great list; it doesn't get simpler than that. Of course, a person's self esteem will determine how much she does/doesn't do the things on the list. There is only one thing I disagree with:.

>>When things 'work' - it goes smoothly, like clockwork, without a hitch.<<.

Even when relationships work there will be 'hitches'. There will be bumps in the road and things will not always be smooth. That is a guarantee. The bumps in the road aren't the problem; it's the way the couple handles things together. Successfully navigating bumps in the road together is what tells you that someone is worth it in the long run..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #8

I do not mean this literally.  Something can 'work' and still require servicing and repairs. A machine that runs well and reliably does so because it is properly and routinely maintained and repaired. This is what I mean for relationships - when a relationship (thru Match.com) 'works' OVERALL, the maintainance and repairs pale in comparison to how well it runs and the benefits it offers..

A relationship (thru Match.com) that does not 'work' is like a car that is constantly in the shop - the maintenance and repairs far outweight the benefit of having the car..

Toni..

Comment #9

Don't give up your friends, hobbies, and other interests in order to spend more time with him - if you make him the center of your universe, chances are good you'll end up alone..

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Comment #10

Another thing NOT to do:.

Confuse fantasy with reality - everyone has an idea about how their perfect relationship (thru Match.com) would go - how they would relate or do things together and sometimes that fantasy interferes with reality.  But there is no perfect out there. Maybe you can find someone "perfect for YOU"..but not "perfect".  But even with perfect-for-you ...there is imperfection..

I am possibly dealing with a situation where the guy wants everything so perfect that he is missing my needs.  My need for emotional support during a godawful time in my life should supercede his need to look perfect, have the perfect hotel room, etc.  But it is not superceding it and I'm just tuckered out from expressing this to him.  Does he want to have a relationship (thru Match.com) with me or himself?    Maybe one day he'll wake up and realize he cant plan every detail of our lives together ahead of time because once you involve another person in the mix (me) then you have to accomodate that person's needs and come up with a combination of something that can meet both parties' needs -flexibility...

Comment #11

I see what you mean. Love the car analogy, BTW.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #12

I gather this is a scenario where it's a fairly new relationship? Then don't push a where are we going talk too soon. Just stay in the moment and enjoy your time together as much as possible versus obsessing about the past.

,..

Comment #13

It's not a specific scenario, just a guide for people to avoid self-imposed difficulties..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #14

Hehehe - my SO read my above statement and he chided me by telling me that he has NOT confused fantasy and reality..although the fantasy has been reeaaall nice..hehehe.  I'm sure it has..

He said he intends on combining our needs to satisfy us both. *sigh* he is way too dreammmy...

Comment #15

Yes just get the information you need to make the decision, make it and let go. Put the past to rest.

,..

Comment #16

Dont demand commitment soon after you've met. Relationships take time to grow.  Do enjoy the moment and be open to what happens versus having expectations and fears rule the day.

,..

Comment #17


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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