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I wetn on match.com he said he was going to africa to do a oil deal..got there needed 2000.00 to set

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My first question is: I wetn on match.com he said he was going to africa to do a oil deal..got there needed 2000.00 to set.

My next question is: Hello everyone,.

I had a previous message about this same guy, the gist of it was about how I thought we were dating (online dating with Match.com) and he claimed we were friends with benefits, however he claimed exclusivity on the situation for the both of us. To make a very long story short: he said he did not want sex with me (since I am a virgin) he felt it was not his to take and that I should wait for a guy who loves me and someone who I have a great future with, I asked if he would get bored with what we are currently doing and he said "its all I can have" (Which was not something I ever said...) The majority of people said I had to figure out what to do with him since he made his feelings obvious - he didn't have any - many people also said to end it with him since he said he saw no future with me and not to waste my time. He was completely open and honest with me.

I left for Christmas vacation and I saw him before I left. I had it set in my mind that this would be the last time I would see him since he did not see a future with me why waste my time. I never told him that I was planning this to be our last night together, I was leaving for 3 weeks I figured the time and distance would help us both move on and we'd just go our own ways. I wanted to keep in touch with him, I really like him but I knew I could not text or talk to him and I assumed he would not make the effort.

However, since being away from him he has done some really sweet things which make me more confused then ever. He texts me randomly just to say "Hi" and on Christmas eve he called me 3 times, once each hour, until he'd gotten a hold of me. Once he finally did, we spoke for an hour and a half. The conversation flowed easily, no awkward silence and lots of laughter. A few days after Christmas he called me again and we talked for a bit. I then called him the following day since I was at a party when he called the previous day! Then on New Years I sent him a text wishing him a Happy New Year and he replied right away telling me to have a good time at my party.

He wanted to factor in the time difference just right so he waited until it was my new years. (Which is something I did not do for him!) I was really surprised that he did that and it meant a lot of me. Which I am trying to put into perspective. I ended up texting him back, thanking him for the text and when he was home to text me and we'd talk. And, when he got home he texted me letting me know he was home and that if I was still awake to give him a shout (My long distance plan is better than his that's why we did it like that.) We ended up talking for 2 hours!.

I am now more confused then ever. He said, this was just friends with benefits/booty-call and there was no future for us - it was just what it was. And now he is doing all these things to make sure he keeps in touch with me, keeps asking when I will be back and whatnot. I do not know I am reading too much into his actions I was ready to end it, but now, we are closer then ever before! Do his actions speak louder then his words? .

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you everyone. Happy New Year!.

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Comments (8)

Your question was: I wetn on match.com he said he was going to africa to do a oil deal..got there needed 2000.00 to set.

It's so hard when you know you like someone more than they like you.  I think for your own sanity you should call it quits.  I have something a little similar happening to me.  I dated this good guy (who I used to think was really great) for around three months and then all of a sudden he pulled back and said he had to work on his own life and that he couldn't drag me through all of it.  (there's a really big story that's involved with this one).  Well I obviously didn't agree with his decision.  After a little time I was able to clear my head and look at the situation logically and I realize that I'm better off with out him.  Now I've found a truly great man and  I'm enjoying getting to know him more each day.  But the ex drops a call or a text message every once in a while.  He's not ready to say I want a second chance, but I feel he is trying to keep a string attached so that he can help his chances in the future.  He's driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!  I think my ex is/was suicidal and so I felt that I had to look out for him.  Now I realize that he pushed me away and so I can't help.  My boyfriend nows all about him and I ignore the phone calls and text messages. .

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If you are willing to accept the fact that you are friends with benefits and live with that is all you will get with this guy then fine keep things as is.  If you want more, run for the hills.  We only have control over what we do.  You will hurt for a while, but you will be better off in the long run..

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Good luck!!  Find lots of friends and family to keep you busy if you decide to run for th hills.  Have someone to call when you want to call him.  I'd even go as far as to delete his info from your cell..

Krist..

Kristie..

Comment #1

Just because he enjoys talking to you does not mean that he wants a future with you.  Just because he calls you on Christmas Eve and New Year's does not mean that he wants to commit to being with you next Christmas and New Year's or to commit to not going out with other women.  He has flat out told you that he does not want to be committed to you and does not see a future with you.  And his actions are not contradicting those statements..

I know it is hard because you like him and he obviously enjoys talking to you. But, you need to believe him and take action to put yourself in the best possible position.  Letting yourself get hung up on him is likely not the best course.  Better to set yourself free so you can find a guy who does want to commit to you who also will enjoy talking to you too..

Good luck!..

Comment #2

Thanks for your reply!.

Soon after I found out we were 'friends with benefits' I think I tricked myself into thinking I could do it - as in, have no relationship-like feelings for him. It was working too, I knew where I stood and I chalked him up as being another experience in life and dating. He is a great guy and do we have a future together, who knows!.

I decided a while back that I will let whatever happens happen, carpe diem right? I've made a vow to myself to treat each time I'm with him as if it were the last. This way, when it really is the last time we'll be together, I know I made the most of it. I say this because in my last relationship, that last kiss I had with the ex, wasn't great, just another good-bye kiss but if I had known it's be the last - I'd have made it worth it. (I am over the Ex - it's just an example!).

Although his recent actions confused me, I am not confused about where I am with him. (Does that make sense?) I will treat him as a friend with benefits and nothing more. He is the one who is calling and texting and putting in the effort. Of course I appreciate it but it is completely unexpected.

I use to think I liked him more then he likes me, but to be honest I think he likes me quiet a bit himself. I know he has said to me that he never wants to be something I regret and for some reason that stuck with me. Maybe I am just young and naive. Personally, I'm not anywhere near ready for a serious committed relationship, I wasn't planning on dating (online dating with Match.com) anyone, he was just a mutual friend which turned into something more and now here I sit 3 months after that first date using Match.com wondering how the heck it all happened - c'est la vie!.

I've had previous booty calls/friends with benefits and they've never been like this. Someone said to me that he wants a "high school relationship." I needed explaining on this term: a 'High school relationship' as defined to me is one that has commitment, monogamy but with no expectation of a long future (ie. marriage, kids, mini-vans!) Could this be the case? Does this even exist (out of high school).

He is almost 25 years old, I'm 23, we are still young, we've talked about marriage and both of us said that we do not want to get married till late 20's early 30's - and then we laugh at our friends in serious relationships cause they are so young to be that serious. It's really weird, we have the same views and ideas about dating, yet we dance around the issue of what 'we' are!.

I know I am scared to get too involved with him, I've never put myself out there like that and I do not think he has either. We are two people who have not dated a lot and were both guarded people. I do not know what I am trying to ask here or even say!.

We have a 'end-date' to this thing we're doing, we said May - but if I do not move back home (I'm currently finishing my undergrad in another city where I met him) and I stay where I am at, we will end things in September - unless something happens between then! Is this 'normal'?.

Is it a safe bet to just let the pieces fall where they may? Could it be case that we are both guilty of being big chickens and taking that leap towards something else? Or is this nothing more than what it is and I'm delusional?..

Comment #3

The best thing to do is to look at the actions and see if they match the words.  In a way they do match the words because he likes FWB and that is all you have with him. I would look at his actions about not wanting to be your first experience at intercourse as crucial...because that also says that he cares on some level about you but does not want to make love.  His actions here also match his words..

I know it is tough to hear that someone feels that he does not have a future with you - we've all been there.  When a guy says that you need to pay very close attention to it and move on away from him if you feel that you are not on the same page as him.   Sure, he'll make contact with you if he feels you are pulling away from him because he does enjoy what he does have with you.  It is an act of selfishness..

Could he ever decide that he wants more? Sure. But you are not there at this point and the odds are slim.  What you do know for sure is that your heart is getting entangled just because he is giving you courtesy and respect...but no promises of love.  Without respect and courtesy a couple cannot have love, but courtesy and respect doesnt guarantee love...

Comment #4

Thank to everyone for their responses. This thing I have going on is going to hurt but I do not think I can continue on with him knowing their is nothing more to 'us.' It sucks, I'll admit that. And to be honest I am not sure when I will officially end it all. .

I am no longer confused. He calls because we do have good conversations (that's the Friends part!) and that's all it is. The benefits part is the other aspect of our 'unique' friendship. I am now 100% clear that he is NOTHING more then a friend and I should not hold out any hope for something more.

Maybe I am being stupid in my decision, as in not calling it quits asap, but I am not ready just yet. I know where I stand and where I don't.  This may be the wrong decision, not to end things right away, but I'm stubborn! I want to show myself I can do this benefits thing without attachment.  .

There are plenty of fish in the sea and I am a single girl! There is NO future between me and him, he made that clear, therefore I will begin to date using Match.com other people, because there is someone out there who will see a future with me.

Now, I only have one last question, when I do eventually end things, do I do it by telling him or do I pull away slowly myself and take away the benefits so he'd get the message? (If I begin dating (online dating with Match.com) someone else, I will tell him those facts straight up & end things between us right away!).

The unfortunate part is I do not want to remain friends with him - on that same note, he told me he has no female friends because according to him, if you get along great with one another why not date using Match.com her? So in a way he told me where I stood, either were FWB or nothing - maybe it's not that unfortunate after all!.

Once again, thank you all & wish me luck!.

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Comment #5

"There is NO future between me and him, he made that clear, therefore I will begin to date using Match.com other people, because there is someone out there who will see a future with me.".

Sounds good - start to date using Match.com other people.   For a change of pace why not see things the other way?  For instance, why not look at him and other men with a question mark...is he someone with whom I see a future?  Women are not coached by their parents to see dating (online dating with Match.com) as a two way street.  Parents are just so pleased that someone will marry their daughter...never mind that she feels a future with him too.   If you can turn it around in your head then you'll start to compile a list of traits that will depict the type of person you want to be with..

"Now, I only have one last question, when I do eventually end things, do I do it by telling him or do I pull away slowly myself and take away the benefits so he'd get the message? (If I begin dating (online dating with Match.com) someone else, I will tell him those facts straight up & end things between us right away!)".

I always prefer to rip a bandage off in one swift motion.  However, if you are going to do this so he reacts and possibly changes his tune then you'll have to feel that one out. ..

Comment #6

I'll be honest - initially, when I first thought about ending it a large part of me fantasied that he'd beg me to change my mind and that he has real feelings for me and everything would be perfect between us.

Then I snapped back to reality and remembered the harshness of his words - NO FUTURE. I know he did not mean to be hurtful with what he said; he didn't know I had feelings like that so I can not be upset at him for the honesty.

So, now when I do end it, I will give him that same blunt honesty he gave me as he is also a fan of ripping a bandage off in one swift motion! However, I do not need to be rude or hurtful in the words I say to him. I must remind myself that it is not his fault he doesn't see a future with me and its not the end of the world!.

I am working in changing my attitude about dating. I will find someone who I see a future with and if they see one with me as well, that's great. If not - its another experience/life lesson.  .

I truly believe everyone comes into your life for some reason. And I may not always know what that reason may be. And this guy came into my life for some reason, it might not have worked out but I'm still thankful for the time and memories we shared. (Maybe he is suppose to show me that 'break-ups' are not always a bad thing?)..

Comment #7

"I'll be honest - initially, when I first thought about ending it a large part of me fantasied that he'd beg me to change my mind and that he has real feelings for me and everything would be perfect between us.".

I know...arent those the best day dreams?.

I can see you really do want a future with this man and unfortunately he does not reciprocate those feelings..

While it certainly isnt the end of the world you are sad and hurt that this relationship (thru Match.com) cant develop into something more..

"Then I snapped back to reality and remembered the harshness of his words - NO FUTURE. ".

People get blunt sometimes so that the other party really gets it into their heads that there is nothing more to be gained from the relationship (thru Match.com) than what they already have.  Technically, people like your soon-to-be ex should really break things off with someone the minute they see that both are not on the same page.   I wouldnt feel comfortable dating (online dating with Match.com) or sleeping with someone who I could tell wanted more from the relationship (thru Match.com) than I wanted to give.  People like your soon to be ex should really think about the other person's feelings...as well as care about themselves more because it only hurts him in the end too.   Likewise, more people should do what you are going to do and break things off because to live in a world of hope with nothing tangible to justify it is very unfulfilling. .

The advice on my part is always the same:  why try to get someone who doesnt want you to want you?  There are so many other people out there who would snatch you up in a minute.  Why feel bad when you can feel good?.

"(Maybe he is suppose to show me that 'break-ups' are not always a bad thing?)".

If you believe that this guy came into your life for a reason then great because it helps you see the loss without complete heartbreak.  I dont place that type of importance in people who cross my path - but that is just me.  Only YOU can show yourself anything.  What you are viewing is your reflection in his actions.  He is merely a tool or a mirror - something anyone can fulfill in your life. .

I am not trying to say that people reflect back what you give them...that can be complete hogwash  because you can be perfectly loving and giving and the person is just a nasty individual and his or her behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you.  that type of thinking gets a lot of people looking very narcissistic when they are just trying to make their way through this world..

What I AM trying to say is that when you look at your relationships you can choose to see what you want to see. When you look at this guy and his actions do you see someone (you) who wants to settle for less? No, you do not.  You see someone who is looking for more in life. .

People do evolve over time and their wants and needs change. Eventually whenyou look back at this relationship (thru Match.com) you will see how it pales in comparison to others you will have where you are loved - truely loved and wanted - and where you can love back freely..

"I am working in changing my attitude about dating. I will find someone who I see a future with and if they see one with me as well, that's great. If not - its another experience/life lesson.".

That's great.  I see women sitting back in their lives like little figurines hoping that the next person who passes by will determine that he wants her and will take her off the shelf and bring her home.  It really is about two people connecting and seeing that there really is something special going on with that connection.  But it takes "two to make a thing go right.  It takes two to make it outasight." (just an old dance song, hehe)..

Good luck and be happy..

Edited 1/5/2008 12:20 pm ET by snafu2007..

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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