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I see a lot of similar themes on the profiles of women on Match.com, and I don't know what to make o

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My first question is: I see a lot of similar themes on the profiles of women on Match.com, and I don't know what to make o.

My next question is: Hey everyone, I haven't been to this particular board before but I posted the below in Not Quite Engaged and haven't had a response yet. I'm hoping someone can offer their thoughts or experience on my situation.Pete and I have been together more than three and a half years now. We have a fantastic, comfortable, fun, secure relationship, and we've been living together for a year now which is going extremely well. I have a great job making a good amount of money, he's still in sort of a preliminary position at his company (not intern) but has a lot of potential to advance. I know that he's mostly happy with his career, even if he's not exactly where he wants to be yet. He is a very hard worker and I really admire him.

These things I know for a fact: He wants to be with me forever, knows I am "the one" for him and aspires to marry me someday. He also says that he thinks about marriage almost every day and it sounds wonderful to him.So what's the problem... Well, for a while I was not ready to seriously consider marriage. 25 is still pretty young to really feel the NEED to settle down, and before relatively recently I would have turned down an engagement because I was not individually ready. But within the past year, I've started to realize that if he were to ask, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

I brought it up to him, and he was very kind and supportive, reassuring me that he wants to marry me. BIG BUT, he's not ready yet, he thinks that "26 is INCREDIBLY young" (I don't know if I agree there), and now he has some apprehension that I "need" a ring right now. I don't. None of his friends are married, which may contribute to him feeling young and not ready. I've tried not to pressure him, because I think that as much control as women usually have over the pace of a relationship, this is something that a man has to do and he agrees.I know I can be very reassuring to him and this isn't something that comes up on a daily basis, but I have to admit, it stings a little bit that he's not ready and can't put a finger on why.

He's not sure what, he just feels young and not ready.I feel a little silly for being here, talking about this when I know in my heart that he will eventually ask me to marry him, there's just a male roadblock that he needs to overcome on his own. I truly believe I understand this, I love his honesty and I know he's being as forthcoming as he possibly can. When I think about it... I can wait for him, I don't hear a biological clock. I know he does want to be married and start a family someday, and that's okay if it's not now.

Sorry for the long post and thanks so much for reading my very first novel!!..

Comments (14)

Your question was: I see a lot of similar themes on the profiles of women on Match.com, and I don't know what to make o.

I dont see a problem here.  What I see is 2 mature adults that are listening to their inner voice telling them to be sure.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I commend the both of you..

I think it's just you have reached your decision that you are ready a little ahead of him.  Give him time to catch up.  If you are sure that it will happen in the future then relax and enjoy each other..

Good luck.

Hope this helps.

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Them with my guns..

Comment #1

Hey egg...you give such good advice on these boards to other people if you were responding to someone else on this what would your advice be?.

I agree with yankee...give him a little time to catch up to you (you know men are a little slower than we are).

How many times have we read on these boards about men having to meet the goals they set for themselves before they get ready to do the deed, and I really think that is true for the most part...

Comment #2

True... He is a little slower emotionally than I, as men generally are, and he has less dating (online dating with Match.com) experience to boot. I see what you're saying, thank you both The only thing is, I don't see any specific goals he's set for himself that he hasn't accomplished. To be honest, when we first met he was working at a drive-through beer store and going nowhere, and now he's finally been pursuing the career he became well-educated for. If he were able to describe what he was waiting for, or what goals he had in mind, I would find it easier to understand - but this is an intangible thing for him and he isn't able to explain it in any way other than "I'm young". It's not so much FRUSTRATING for me as it is just...

Excited anxiety, not necessarily bad, but it's been a long time since we've had an element of "where are we going?" uncertainty in our relationship. It's sort of like... being an adopted child and not knowing when your real birthday is, and your parents want to keep it a secret until the day comes. Maybe that's a weird way to think of it, I stink with analogies..

Comment #3

Your relationship (thru Match.com) sounds like a wonderful realtionship.  Actually, your relationship (thru Match.com) sounds a lot like my older daughter's with her boyfriend.  My daughter is 22 and her boyfriend is 23.  They are both almost college graduates now, and gearing up toward graduate school.  She is mature for her age, too, like you; she is gentle and sweet and smart and well, wise enough to have picked a young man who is worthy of her.  For his part, he is kind and protective, perhaps a bit more conservative than she is because he decided she was special and so he waited awhile before they slept together because he wanted her to be someone who would be in his future first (she found that odd enough she asked me about and I said, good for him ;-O).  He is getting serious and she is the one wanting to wait.  It's her thought, to wait, not because she doesn't love him now, which she does.  I've seen them together and they are very much in love.  But because she wants to make sure, with a few more years behind them, they feel the same way.  I think that she is now trying to protect their relationship (thru Match.com) the same way that he did by waiting to sleep together.  .

So I offer this story to offer her perspective she at least believes there is wisdom in waiting to a couple of years when you're still in your 20s even if everything else is wonderful.  ..

Comment #4

That's very interesting actually... We waited to sleep together too, at his insistence; he said that the next time he slept with someone he wanted to be in love, and the next time he fell in love he would want it to last a long time.Your daughter sounds very lucky, as does he! It must be really nice to see your kid choosing someone worthy! Lord knows not all 23 year olds are.....

Comment #5

<< I just want to know, when does a 26 year old guy come out of this mindset that he's "incredibly young"? >>.

I agree with the poster that said you give such great advice ...what would you say to someone telling your story?  ;-).

I think you guys are WELL on the right track.   Just keep doing what you're doing ... communicating openly and honestly ... always assert your wants and needs.  People change ... our wants, needs, desires change ... you're at an age where certain things might start becoming more important, more relevant, etc..

Looking back, I think between 25 - 30 is a HUGE time of growth.  Our 20s are an incredibly pivotal time in our lives.  Its really the bridge between adolescence and adulthood.  Sure, at 20 ... 22 ... 24 ... we are legally adults.  But, it's all still about transitioning.  You're not really WHO you are going to become yet. .

That is why I strongly believe that between 25 - 30, that is when people really start to become defined as individuals ... values, character, all of the 'fiber of our being' ... that is when we stop thinking so much about what our parents might think, what our friends are doing or not doing ... it's really more about being your own individual.  .

Now, I think you're very mature and wise for your age.   You give great advice. .

Ok, let's also move on to your comment about your BF saying he's still "incredibly young" ... keep in mind, guys aren't as emotionally and mentally mature as women.  So, even though he's a year older than you ... he's probably several years younger in the brain.  ;-).

Long story short ... I think between 28 - 30 is a real 'nail biter' of a time in our lives ... especially men ... most men I know have a much harder time with this period of time than women.  Especially if they aren't yet 'where they want to be' in their careers, etc.  But, that is the time when I think we truly become adults ...in every sense of the word ... not just in 'adult years' but in our individuality, approach to life, how we handle stress, responsiblities, and just our general 'sense of self.'  .

Not sure if you're into this kind of thing ... but, in astrology ... at 28 there's something called a Saturn Return.  Google it.  I won't go into much.  But, I really think it's spot on.  It generally lasts until about age 30-31.

 Basically, in astrology speak, it's the beginining of productive adulthood. .

So, to answer your question ... I'd say your BF will come out of this mindset in about 2 - 4 years.  ;-).

 ..

Comment #6

Eggs, I'm going to offer you essentially the same advice I offer to others in this type of situation but with a subtle change in context..

I believe that we all set direction for our lives consistent with our top life goals and priorities.  With many men, our belief system is that a great relationship (thru Match.com) and marriage adds value to a great life, while many women can't have a great life without a relationship (thru Match.com) leading towards marriage.  This fundamental difference is what causes stress within the context of a marriage decision and timing..

As I have said to many others in this type of situation, I think there are 3 critical questions you need to ask Pete and yourself.  These questions demand careful thought and consideration and not a knee-jerk answer so take the time to really consider them:.

1) What does marriage mean to you?.

2) What do you need to have accomplished in your life before considering marriage?.

3) What other top goals and priorities do you have for your life over the next 5 years?.

Honest answers to these questions will grant you both a much more clear picture of each other's life goals and priorities.  From there, you can then investigate how a meaningful relationship (thru Match.com) adds value to those life goals and priorities moving forward..

For me, I married young (23) and had my daughters young (25 - 27).  Then at 28 I had a life changing health related experience that continues to impact my day-to-day life 20 years later.  This health issue will be with me until the day I pass and will ultimately be a significant contributor to why and when I pass.  It took me a few years to deal with, understand and accept this new reality in my life as I wasn't self/internally mature enough to really handle it until I was 30 or so.  The net result - I am no longer married..

I'm not trying to suggest that anything of this nature will happen with Pete.  However, I am suggesting that his self/internal maturity is still growing at the age of 26 and this will have direct influence on his life goals and priorities..

I also believe the two of you are on the right track for success...

Comment #7

Hi, I am 42 years old and my boyfriend is 53. We have been together for 6 years now. We have lived together the whole time. 2 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes and then he said not now but soon. Soon seems like it is never going to get here.It has been on my mind ever since then. Everytime I bring it up he says, Don't worry I'm not going anywhere.

I feel like I am pressing him about it,But I want to be married to him now not whenever.Why is he waiting ,and what is he waiting for? We both have been married before and mine ended ok. But his didn't go so well. I am totally not the woman he married before nor anything like her.What should I do? I bring it up to him because I want him to tell me when. All he ever says is we will when the time is right. and we will no when that is.

Can you please help?  Thank- you.

Edited 2/9/2009 2:59 pm ET by juel2009..

Comment #8

What I have learned from my guy and also from my friends' guys - is that when they know they want to do something, they say so and then set out to do what it takes to get it. Sometimes it's quick sometimes it's not so quick. they don't keep repeating over and over "oh by the way, I am doing X, see?"  They have stated their intentions and that is that. If it changes for any reason, THEN they will say something to let you know that there is a change..

Consider little kids - always asking 'are we there yet?' when on a car trip. No matter how many times you give them an answer, they keep asking. Mostly because they haven't yet developed patience or an understanding of the 'process' of traveling somewhere. They are more used to instant gratification and when they don't get that, they question if they will get it at all. Over time, they learn that, yes, they will 'get there'  eventually.  They learn patience and to trust the process.

Now, when kids keep asking, the parents usually GET ANNOYED - afterall they've answered the question and the answer hasn't changed! Your BF is doing the same. He has stated his intentions and gets annoyed when you question that he means it. Wouldn't you get annoyed if someone kept questioning your intent when you've been clear?.

Women tend to do the same things to their men - they want things on a specific schedule and refuse to get that that schedule is really meaningless. And when they question when all th time, it sends a message of not believing - which if the man IS trustworthy and has always kept his word - will totally undermine what she is pushing to accomplish.  They don't have patience for the very thing worth waiting for! they don't trust that they will 'get there' without constant reminders of it. Simply put - they lack faith that they will get what they want even when they've had no reason to doubt it otherwise..

Hon, you want it now. he is not ready now. It's like being hungry - he knows he WILL be hungry at some point but he isn't now. So he doesn't want to eat now. He wants to wait until he IS hungry.  You want him to eat now because you seem to believe that unless he does, you will never get food again. Basically - if you believe in your BF and he has been reliable and trustworthy - why won't you believe him on this?.

You can absolutely let him know what you want as far as timeframes - just be reasonable. And trust him to do what he says. If you don't, then seriously rethink what you have - lack of trust is a passion killer. And if you have reasons to distrust him already - why are you pushing for marriage so hard to someone you don't trust?.

Toni..

Comment #9

"Now, when kids keep asking, the parents usually GET ANNOYED"And if he's anything like my parents, he WILL turn this car around young lady!!..

Comment #10

Hi...this is classic..

Honey, I hope this works out, but as it stands now, things don't sound positive..

He is in no hurry to marry you...for whatever reason..

It's not fair to you and it's unreasonable.  You've been together 6!!! years and he's still waiting for the "right" time?  He might as well be waiting on your deathbed!  Geeez!.

You know what so many relationship (thru Match.com) books say about this?  Pull back.  Move out if you have to and start detaching.  Right now by being there there is no incentive for him to really consider marrying you NOW...because you are there, all the time for him..

If you pull back, and he sees that you are possibly making yourself open to others, he may get on the ball and marry you...as he should..

I know it's hard. The worst thing is for a woman to get mad, hurt and give ultimatums in this type of situation.  The best thing to do if you are not getting your needs met is to pull back.  In your case, that may mean moving out and separating.  From that place you can watch and see if he moves closer to marriage or not..but at least you will know..

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Good luck..

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Soliel..

Comment #11

Oh, I forgot this was my own post. I'm EggbertShootsFire. I guess since it was bumped I should say... Things have been really good. He tells me he has a definite plan to propose to me this year and he seems very happy about it. We've been in a really good place since the time of my last posting (August), he has been asking me questions about what kind of ring I'd like and what my finger size is.

We've been focusing on our companionship and it's wonderful to know we're on the same page. He is a person who is indecisive by nature and has a tough time with major life changes; I think he just needed to release some inner demons because I know he's a commitment-minded guy and marriage was always in the cards for us at some point. It takes a lot for a man to think of marriage as "someday soon" rather than just "someday" (I have some trouble with this too). Thanks again for everyone's insightful posts...

Comment #12

I couldn't email you directly - but you may want to edit/delete your first line since TPTB might have issues with reincarnation!.

Toni..

Comment #13

If they really want me gone they can get rid of me I guess.....

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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