I recently met someone on How can I tell if he is still searching on match?

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My first question is: I recently met someone on How can I tell if he is still searching on match?.

My next question is: Hi there. I'm a 50 year old woman who has been dating (online dating with for about 4 years after a 15 year marriage. I've had 1 significant relationship (thru during this time, and 4 others, the latter having lasted about 3-4 months each. I keep running into the same problem. Either my expectations are way off or most of the single men in my age group are commitment phobes because of past hurts. I'm now trying to anticipate this with a new man I'm seeing.He is 55 years old.

He's attentive, caring and consistent. But there are some signs that may just be quirks or may be red flags. The one that I'm most concerned about is that whenever we spend the night together it's at his home. I tease him about it. There are some legitimate reasons it makes sense (his house is much larger, he gets up extremely early to work out and he loves his routine and he has to get showered and off to work early, while I work from home and have more flexibility).I've brought up the question with him of whether he'll ever stay at my house and he just smiles.

And I've relaxed about it because he has offered to make his place as comfortable as I want when I'm there. In order for me to be truly comfortable there's alot I would need. It ranges from the bathroom to the kitchen to the closets. But it's only been two months. Am I being controlled? Is this inflexibility the sign of something bigger that I should be concerned about? Tonight I'm supposed to go over after a meeting to watch the opening game of the NFL season.

He asked me what I wanted I said, well dinner. He suggested I bring something that I'd like. What can I say to him (that won't be filled with drama) to let him know that if he wants me to spend so much time at his place, I think he will have to make a greater effort to make me comfortable? Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel unappreciated if he tells me I should bring my own dinner?..

Comments (6)

Your question was: I recently met someone on How can I tell if he is still searching on match?.

Hi ivysmile, I see a couple of things here.  Two months is not long enough to be entering into a permanent relationshp in my opinion, it never worked for me.  He is staying in his "comfort zone" and shows no sign of changing.  In otherwords he expects you to do all the changing, and that doesnt work either, btdt.  I also think it is to soon for you to expect him to change his home to suit you.  As far as dinner goes, if you two go dutch a lot or he does not always pay for everything, then bringing the dinner fixins would be ok, but I think this is another sign that you are expected to do all the work in this relationship.  If it were me I would perfer him to say football & supper at my house, my treat and I will do all the work, you relax, next time your house, your treat and I will relax..

I am finding men our age, Im older than you, dont want to do much changing, they are set in their ways, especially if they have been single/widowed/divorced for a long period of time..

I am not ready to date using myself but I am looking for friends both male and female to do things with.  I am taking this time to realize that I am going to do what the heck I want, when I want, anytime I want.  Have you taken the time for just you and get to know you and what you want?  It definetly can be lonely at times, but I struggle through it..

I also remember something my dad told me a long time ago.  When a man gets married or in a relationship (thru at this age it's because he wants someone to do the cooking, cleaning and take care of him.  I think this is definitely very true with men out age..

Hope this helps you some, and yes I see this as a red flag.  As the old saying goes why should he buy the whole cow when he can get the milk for free?.

And for us ladies, why would she buy the whole hog just to get a little sausage?.




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Comment #1

Two months isn't a long time into the relationship, so whose to say what else will pop up in the future.  But for me, where you sleep or the dinner are not red flags.  To me, red flags are things like lots of empty vodka bottles in his trash can; saying nasty things about other people (particularly other women); treating the waiter badly; admissions that he cheated on his ex-wife; hygiene problems.  You know, things that show a crappy inside.    .

But this stuff on your list, to me they sound like "flaws," but of the kind that we all have.  The question is whether you like the guy enough to put up with some negatives.    .

See, I can relate to your guy.  I am 46yo, a professional career woman for goodness sake, and I couldn't seem to get comfortable staying over at the house of the guy I'm dating.  I toss & I turn and I've decided I need to go home at, no kidding, at 2:00am.  This is not a selfish thing on my part.  It's just after everything my house is this safe haven.  But it's a quirk.  We never talked about this, but when we started dating (online dating with again recently, he just always comes to my place.  I appreciate him being flexible and compromising and understanding.  He just does it for me.  So I guess for me this is one of those compromises that can be made.  If you're happy at his house, and he's more comfortable there, and you like him enough to put up with the one-sidedness of it, then take your personal items with you and stay at his place.  Just bring the stuff..

As to the dinner,  sometimes guys are clueless. 10 to one he has no idea that telling you to bring your own dinner bothered you.  I would say pack a really nice dinner for both of you, including a nice bottle of wine, and have a good time.  At our age, we know better than to expect perfection.   Don't sweat the small stuff, if (but only if) you really like him otherwise. ..

Comment #2

AH, these are both really good answers and very helpful. In fact, he always always pays for dinner when we go out, asked me to go shopping with him for some new household things and let me make choices about significant purchases that he needed but will live with regardless of what happens with us.You're right. Two months is not long at all. I'm going to put together a nice dinner and take it over and thank him for his generosity over the last couple of months...

Comment #3

Could he stay over your place on the weekend? Maybe on a Friday or Saturday night. This would offer a good compromise since you are staying on the weeknights.

He sounds like he's really set in his ways. It sounds like you are going to have to be a bit more clever than he is and place the ball back in his court.

If he's going to continue to be this stubborn after only 2 months, he may become more trouble than what he's worth. You definately want someone who can be favorable to you!!.

Good luck!..

Comment #4

Interesting and thank you. I would not characterize him stubborn in a general sense. For example, when it comes to making plans he's quite flexible about what we do. He also never breaks a sweat when things come up and he's generally a very open minded person.It's just this house thing. He's very routine-oriented. Some of it is really nice.

There are other routines that are developing that I like. I just am not as comfortable with this one. I must admit that some of this is my own "baggage" from previous relationships. I'm more conscious about losing my self for the sake of someone else's needs. I did this in a big way in my marriage and it ultimately was what made our marriage crumble because I was so unhappy.

I guess if this was really that big a deal I just wouldn't go and eventually he would start coming to stay with me if he really really wanted to see me. But I'm not sure if it is a big deal...

Comment #5

"But I'm not sure if it is a big deal.".

Some people have nicer playgrounds to romp around in and who wouldnt want to spend more time there.  However, if you feel you are being inconvenienced in any way or you have to do too much juggling in order to spend time at his house, then you could ask him to come over for dinner and spend the night with you. See what he says.  We all have routines and when two people come together some routines have to be altered to some degree in order to get along.  You shouldnt be doing all of the compromising...

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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