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I met my bf off of Match.com but I didn't use my own pictures.. We're about to meet but should I war

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My first question is: I met my bf off of Match.com but I didn't use my own pictures.. We're about to meet but should I war.

My next question is: Hi everyone.  I am new to posting but have been lurking for a while.  I just need to vent a little about this issue that has me confused..

I have been seeing a guy for a while who is going through a divorce and we are both in our early 30's.  We met when he was already separated so it had nothing to do with me.  He is a really great guy (handsome too).  Anyway, we are in a low contact mode at the moment because he isn't divorced yet and wants to keep a low profile till it's done.  I understand.  The problem is I think he thinks that I have communication issues with him because I don't call him and talk to him a lot.  I don't think he understands that I don't call and talk much because I don't want to mess anything up for him if you know what I mean.  There are many times when I would love to pick up the phone and say, "I love you, miss you and I am here for you if you need me.  I think of you all the time and can't wait to spend time with you."   I am just not sure when it's a good time or bad time to call. .

Sometimes I think he thinks I am putting the pressure on him to make contact and the reality is I'm not.  Once he is free I won't be afraid to pick up the phone and talk, but until then I feel I have to hold back so there is no conflict on his end.  I hope he understands that I am just respecting his space. .

It gets so confusing sometimes because he seems irritated because I don't communicate, but then tells me it's not a good thing to do right now.  Ugh!  Mixed messages drive me crazy.  Thanks for being here and letting me vent.     .

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Comments (42)

Your question was: I met my bf off of Match.com but I didn't use my own pictures.. We're about to meet but should I war.

Have you mentioned to him that it was his idea to be in low contact mode?  What does he want from you then?  The next time you speak to him let him know that he is delivering mixed messages to you and let him pick the option that he most wants...

Comment #1

I think you are wasting your time at this point. He is still married, until his divorce becomes final he will be married. Most people need time to heal after the divorce (doesn't matter how good/bad the marriage was) before being ready to be in a healthy relationship...right now he isn't. And wanting to keep it on the down low doesn't sound very promising...since he is seperated, and if he were truly over his marriage this wouldn't be an issue.If you want to hang out in the wings to see what happens after the divorce then hang with it... but I wouldn't. A lot of times when one relationship (thru Match.com) isn't finished and you start another one you end up being the transition/rebound person..

I would tell him you understand he has a lot going on, and when the divorce is final to give you a call but until then, it would be best not to have any contact...

Comment #2

Thank you for your responce ragingangel.  You have a good point - I will certainly bring it up with him if I get the chance.  Not so sure right now where things stand because there has been no communication for 5 days.  I have  been out of town though, so that may be why..

Anyway, thanks again for the advice.  How are things with you?  I have seen a few of your posts on other threads - hope all is well...

Comment #3

Thanks sassisizz.  I completely understand where you are coming from with regard to the whole "rebound thing".  That is always a possibility although I had hoped we moved past all of that, but then again maybe we didn't.  Oh well, I guess time will tell.  If I don't hear from him I will know that he is not in a good place and that I need to move on - and I will.  He does mean a lot to me and I have learned more about who I am with him in my life than I have with anyone else.  If it ends I will be incredibily sad, but I also know that I will always love him and will always be thankful he helped me grow in ways I never have before. .

I do really miss him and love him though. ..

Comment #4

Yeah, hopefully he'll understand that he cant pull you in two directions like that without causing you distress. Any idea when the divorce will be final?.

I'm hanging in there - that is the best I can say right now.  Of course life would be much better if the police did their job and arrested the people who created this mess for me down here in Florida.  hmmm...protect and serve?  maybe only bad guys get protected and served by the police because they "contribute heavily" to election campaigns down here in Florida.  This victimization has really wrecked my love life, as you can imagine.  I have an "intended" (he likes when I call him that hehe) who seems to dig me.  Like you, I am in a limbo state with him because of the b.s. I have to deal with down here.  he wants me to be excited about his upcoming arrival  but I cant get as excited right now as he would like me to be because I cant see beyond my victimization and, since I dont get my hopes up about anything at all (I like to remain neutral and grounded) and until he is right in front of me so that I can touch him, I really wont believe any of it is real - given the last 6 years of my life.  I didnt think that love was a possibility so soon for me because of my victimization.  But, I just keep chugging on and try to replace the plants that the criminals keep killing and clean the gutters that they line with sticky stuff and mud and try to protect the house that they want me to leave.  I went through all of this just because someone lied about who I was - smart, accomplished people actually believed lies that ranged anywhere from that I was the reincarnated Mary Magdalene to a modern day Mata Hari to some sort of political rebel. All of it is pretty stupid and "out there" but people eat that dirt up and fall for anything that is extreme and outlandish..

All of it was lies (too crazy to *not* be lies)  and I suffered because of those delusions and lies.  I am confident I can get some of the people who ambushed my life, stole my identity to perpetrate this fraud on the american people, and have harassed me for years..put behind bars.  I guess if rich powerful people want you gone or dead law enforcement looks the other way.  Why do the american people pay police salaries with taxes when we all dont get their assistance or protection? (hypothetical question).

The man who says he cares for me told me that he wants to do for me what I have done for him.  not sure exactly what that is..but it seems interesting. .

Good luck with your situation and thanks for asking...

Comment #5

This is probably not what you want to hear, but you should not be dating (online dating with Match.com) a married man, separated or not.  It only sets YOU up for hurt.  He needs to grieve and go thru the healing process, good or bad marriage it doesnt make a difference..

You could end up being a rebound, he may decide he wants to date using Match.com different women because he has been with only 1 since his marriage (maybe).  Also, he is cheating with you, what makes you think he will not cheat on you?.

Please rethink this.

 .

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 .

My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #6

? Is my_symphony answering for herself or chi_tea08 ? Or both are same?? Already RSs are so confusing, why confuse more LOL!..

Comment #7

I have been through TOO much in the last 6 years with no one to want to put a stop to my emotional suffering (not knowing if anyone has helped me) as well as physical suffering - the work they put me through trying to fix and maintain the house..

Thanks for the kind word. ..

Comment #8

<It gets so confusing sometimes because he seems irritated because I don't communicate, but then tells me it's not a good thing to do right now.>.

A healthy person would say that, a healthy person wouldn't act that way.

Confused people, confuse people. His actions and his words don't match up. That's a red flag for me. Granted, going thru a divorce is a confusing, heart wrenching time for anyone. There is more here though IMO, with this guy. He sounds like he's just confused all around. My guess is, even after his divorce becomes final, it's going to be more of the same..

FYI...The rule of thumb (that I learned on these boards some where along the way) is to wait approx. 2 years AFTER the person is divorced to consider getting involved with them. As others shared on here, people need time to heal from relationships. If you break your leg, do you walk on it???.

From what I see just in my day to day life with others, most people don't know that (including me until I started to educate myself about relationships do's and don'ts on here and other sources because of my history of failed relationships). Hence, the questions and the endless posts on these relationship (thru Match.com) boards about the same thing, over and over and over again...

Keep reading these boards. Some people on here give excellent, sound advice.....

Comment #9

You asked earlier if I had any idea when the divorce will be final - truth is I have no idea.  I thought I knew, but then found out recently I could be wrong.  I guess that is why I identified with your posts a bit because he knows more about me than I know about him (meaning the status of his marriage).  Weird...I know, but that is just the way it is..

I find myself feeling a little insecure today about the whole relationship (thru Match.com) especially since I revealed how I feel about him.  I did let him know that I can walk away from this if it is not where he is at...and that is pretty much how I am feeling about it today.  It may just be time to walk away.  If he is interested he knows where to find me.  But, I won't put my life on hold without some kind of indication from him that he is interested and wants and needs me to stick around.  The need for space and time is one thing if it is communicated clearly, I can deal with that...if it's not then a person is left wondering where things stand.  I am not asking for much...just a simple hey, I am still here and haven't gone anywhere, so don't worry...that's all.  Sorry if I sound wishy washy...I guess I am just having a down day..

At least in your situation you know how your guy feels...he seems to have communicated that pretty clearly.  I do have a question though - are things on hold for you because of what you are going through or is it because of him?  And, what do you mean by people thinking you are Mary Magdalene or a modern day Mata Hari?  Just curious...hope you don't mind me asking.  Your story is intriguing..

Again, really sorry to hear that you are being vicitimized.  Is there any hope it will be resolved soon?.

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Comment #10

Yeah, I have been lurking here and reading for a long long time.  I have found these board to be extremely helpful and enlightening.  The only thing I can say about my current situation is I have learned from that too.  If it doesn't work out at least I have something to carry with me into the future.  I really did learn a lot about myself through it all..

Thank you for providing me another perspective...it does help.   ..

Comment #11

If he is not communicating clearly to you about his emotions, plans and dreams then you might be wise to take a step back and reassess this relationship.  It is one thing for him to not want to expose some details about the divorce because he doesnt want the soontobe ex to sue for adultery...if that is what the problem is.  But he should communicate with you and not make it a oneway street with you initiating the communication..

Can you tell him that his lack of communication and how he communicates is pushing you away?  These situations dont usually work out the best for women in your position.  Sometimes the man changes his mind and wants to reconcile with the wife, sometimes it is about money and your life gets put on hold for a summer home  somewhere that he doesnt want to give up, etc.  If you can try to open up a conversation about it and if you decide that you need to move on and keep the door open to the guy should his divorce be finalized then he really cant blame you for it because he is not giving you anything emotionally to constitute a relationship..

"are things on hold for you because of what you are going through or is it because of him?".

I think that it is because of me and the mess that is called my life. .

"And, what do you mean by people thinking you are Mary Magdalene or a modern day Mata Hari?  Just curious...hope you don't mind me asking.  ".

I was slandered.  The slander involves my life and my so-called past lives.  What happens when people who dont know their ass from their elbow get involved in a fraud or a crime that defrauds people is that they start to believe things that arent real just for the sake of money and power.  They convince themselves that their lies are true..

Allegedly, a psychic or group of psychics said to people that my soul was someone famous way back in time - which is b.s.  I then became someone who was perceived as a thing instead of a person - to use and abuse.  People with power down here in Florida decided to lie and say that I was part or a partner to them in a crime when I wasnt and isnt.  They decided to make it more enticing for others to get involved in this crime by saying that I was someone who I wasnt - whether it be a reincarnated famous person or that I am some kind of a political spy or rebel.  A lot of hoopla with no substance to it - everyone was lied to about me..

The problem that I have faced is that everyone truly made themselves out to be fools by accepting these lies about me as truth. And what do people do..who have lots of power...who are made out to look foolish?  They lie more or the beat the crap out of the person who delivers the bad news me.  I didnt know that a particular crime took place in this country decades ago...http://huppi.com/kangaroo//Coup.htm. "The Business Plot to Overthrow Roosevelt.".

I guess this coup on the american govt never really went away because Roosevelt, allegedly, backed down and did not press charges in order to get his New Deal approved.  The rich families and american nazis and big businesses who got together to change our govt reformulated the coup to now involve medicine and law enforcement.  Doctors have been attacking people for years now in the OR and in offices along with many misdiagnoses and malpractice and with surgeries that arent needed so they could experiment with everyone's bodies.  Law enforcement doesnt do it's job anymore and has put many innocent people in jail for crimes they did not commit..

I allege that the particular doctors who took over my life down here are somehow affiliated with the long ago coup that was resurrected.   I was literally on the outside of this my entire life and knew nothing about it.  Someone asked me recently if I was initiated into any group of people and got info.  No.  I was never initiated into anything or got a hold of any secret information.  Everyone seems to have a "role" where I do not. Everyone seems to have a script that they follow and speak of...where I do not.  People seem to do things according to schedule where I have no set time or place to ever be.  I was sacrificed for this coup - I am not part of it..I am being victimized by it.  When I wrote the govt for help...they punished me more by having people come to the house and destroy it. When I tried to get a restraining order to stop a doctor from following me...I got more violence..like cars sideswiping me, flat tires, oily substances smeared over my car.  I call the police and they do nothing.  I have tons of reports on file with the Sheriff's office and they dont investigate. .

Talking about arresting people who are innocent - my exhusband got back into my house and stole receipts from the pharmaceutical job I had.  All of the receipts for delivery of drug samples for the doctor who I filed against...were missing. I came upon it by accident. and then I tore the house apart and discovered that some of my credit card files were missing, my surgical records were missing, my sales figures were missing etc.  I filed a burglary report and made sure that I listed every single doctor whose name I could remember..just incase their receipt turned up somewhere it shouldnt turn up. What my ex and this doctor potentially did (they know each other) is set me up for an allegation of selling physician signatures to addicts so that they could get drugs.  All they would have needed was a prescription pad from his office and trace the signature.  I stopped it ..all by accident.  I signed the report for the deputy stating that I wished to prosecute my exhusband for this crime and I still want to do that. .

The person who I was alleged to be never existed.  From what I could figure out...I was alleged to be a horrible person who stole other people's men, property, jobs, friends, etc. And that I would commit bodily harm. How I figured out that everyone is in a sick roleplay is that in 2004 I realized that people were not having appropriate conversations with me. For instance, if I went into a store and asked a clerk for what aisle a product was in, let's say soda, he or she would say something like..."diapers are in aisle 9"...when I never asked for diapers.  Everyone has become robots and dont think for themselves, at least down here in Florida.  Then I started to notice that everyone was having seperate conversations from me - having two different conversations at once.  It is pretty sick to watch..

I went to my lawyer and unfortunately for me he is related by marriage to one of the doctors who I may put in jail.  So I realized I wasnt going to get any help from him about this matter, but he confirmed my suspicions on various things going on in my life and others.  I did an inventory of my life and I called everyone who I could think to call to find out how they were doing.  I discovered that many people from my childhood - family type members - were getting mistreated by doctors and hospitals.  One man was viciously murdered in the OR by the surgeon "accidentally" shredding his arteries during a "routine" procedure.  They are blaming equipment across the board for their intention to murder ... for money. It is all about money .. HMOs screwed them over and they are pissed.  They became doctors for money and prestige, not because they are humanitarians. An investigation was done on anesthesiologiests and the machines that deliver the drug to put you to sleep during surgery...and it was confirmed that it was the medical personnel who were not delivering the medication correctly that caused people to awake during surgery.  One woman was getting her eye removed when she woke up...talk about trauma and pain!!! They do this to terrorize people.   I wrote to my elected officials asking for help and provided them with alist of people who have become injured, maimed or murdered.  I got no help.  One of my state senators just emailed me back saying "I'm sorry."  My assitant state atty told me to just "stay on them" - like it was MY job to stop this and not theirs.  Screwed up if you ask me..

Detectives and deputies came to my house and I told them the entire story and one said that I'm doing this by myself - getting rid of the crime (no kidding...because they dont do their jobs anymore).  I told one Sgt. in June of 2004 that they needed to do something to stop these doctors (I just thought it was a medical issue...not encompassing the entire govt) because it will end up as a crime against humanity..not just me.  I guess I'm expendable so no one bothered to tell me if they could help me, or put the people who coordinate my attacks in jail or at least investigate my exhusband.  I met with my first exhusband for lunch a couple of years ago and he told me that this problem is worldwide - so I guess it doesnt pay to run.  The doctors involved in my intrusion also destroyed the life of another drug rep who I worked with and I contacted her and told her what I figured out and she said she believed me...obviously...because she lived it too.  And I told her that I would testify for her if she wanted to sue anyone for the harm to her and her life.  I want them brought up on TWO counts...not just me.  The sicko doctor who followed me also destroyed another woman's life who he met in a sex club, I cant seem to find her, and she hides..

One doctor told me when I was still a drug rep that I was "one of them" but I took that to mean that I was welcome in their office as a drug rep.  No doctor ever "initiated" me into any crime and I certainly never got any info about what "role" they expected me to play.  I was never approached by anyone about this or given any "rule books" either.  I was literally USED in every conceiveable way to perpetrate a crime against the american people.  I am hopeful for resolution in my favor and putting everyone who I can..in jail, get them removed from their professions (like doctors and lawyers and police) and sue the heck out of everyone for pain and suffering.  This attack on me should have stopped in 2004 once I reported everything and wrote my letters.  For making me suffer for an additional 4 years...everyone pays dearly.  These criminals got everyone convinced that interacting with me was just like acting in the movies...how sick.  Are americans that easy to fool and manipulate?  Everyone here just decided to go along with the powers that be and not fight the good fight for their freedom as well as mine.  Pathetic..

Just so you know - there are torts - legal torts that you can use to sue people who interfere in your life.  In my area I am under the jurisdiction of the 11th Circuit Court. And the case I like to use is "Summers versus Bailey". Cheryl Summers's life got taken over by Bailey, allegedly, and she did not meet the qualifications for all 4 compoments for the Tort of Intrusion but she did get some money from Bailey.  You have the right to be left alone - so the govt once said by enacting these laws. The one that really helps me is that I can sue if a person or persons use my likeness and name to put me in a false light.  And that is what happened to me.  Also, in the state of Florida I can charge people with the "Accessory after the fact" felony.  Sooo...they didnt know the truth about me when they agreed to hurt me...but once they do know the truth and STILL go through with commiting crimes like vandalism and harassment and mental battery ...they fall into the accessory category and I will PERSONALLY charge each person who I once asked for help who didnt help me - that includes people who once called themselves "friends".  And I want them all in jail for at least the same amount of time that I had to suffer here alone in my house - 6+ years - if not double time..

Sorry to take so long .  I dont usually like to talk about this online because it is very complicated and extensive in nature.  I dont know if or when I will get any help any time soon.  I dont blame him for not wanting to be with me during this time...because who likes a downer...right?  I just wish I'd hear something...anything...about my situation or status. The people who SHOULD be doing this is the police and the state atty's office.  I know that for some reason his life was in danger should he entangle with me too.  He is also considered a "burnt offering" by the "worldly wise"...so the story goes.  I hope one day to hear from him with more details.  My mother once mumbled something about "6 months" back in april so maybe it means that come October things move more in my direction.  I cant wait to get my claws into everyone..

Stay safe and happy..

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Comment #12

Sorry for not responding sooner.  We had a storm that blew out our internet, but just found out it burned the power strip..

Please dont think I was chastizing you for dating (online dating with Match.com) a separated man.  I only meant that I do not want to see you or anyone else get hurt.  I have seen that is so many cases like yours..

Best of luck in whatever you decide..

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 .

My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #13

Arrghhh!  I just typed a well thought out responce and lost it all...darn!  Anyway, here is the short of it..

Thank you, yankee_n_sc, for clarifying...I completely understand where you are coming from.  I agree that my situation is difficult and has the potential to break my heart. .

I went into this situation with my eyes fully open knowing what the risks could be.  With that said, the reason I hung in there like I have is because I wanted to explore the possibility that he may be feeling the same way.  I am a firm believer that people come into our lives to teach us something we need to learn in order to evolve.  In this case, I learned that I needed to let go of the past in order to give something new a chance.  (I had a habit of keeping safety nets)  Once I realized this, I was able to let go of the strings from the past making me fully available to give something new a chance.  Huge lesson!  .

What I am trying to say is...I wanted to explore the possibility that he may be experiencing the same growth...know what I mean?  That is why I had to be honest with him and reveal how I was really feeling about him (big for me) to see if he felt the same.  I know that it is very possible he does not, so I am also willing to walk away being grateful that I learned this lesson.  Now I can open myself up to the type of relationship (thru Match.com) I really want and not settle because of old baggage.  I am willing to do that with him, but it may not be a reality..

Okay that's the short of it.   .

Edited 8/28/2008 1:02 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #14

Isnt it madding when you loose your post?  I have done it several times, aggravates the heck out of me..

Sounds like you got it together, good luck to you in what ever you do..

 .

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #15

Hi ragingangel.  All I can say is Wow!...you have been through a lot.  I happen to know what it's like fighting the "powers that be" so-to-speak, however not on the level in which you are battling at the moment.  I wish the best for you and hope that everything comes out in your favor so you can finally move on with your life.  It must be so hard to live day in and day out without any relief from the stress...I have seen what that stress can do to people first hand.  It's not pretty and it takes a toll on one's health...to say the least..

Thank you for your comments on my situation...I understand what you are saying.  The circumstances in which this relationship (thru Match.com) grew were different than what I have experienced in the past.  Only time will tell if it was only for "season".  We have currently dwindled from LC to NC.  I am guessing that me revealing my feelings have made him pull back and that's okay.  I expected it actually because I changed the rules...I am guessing that I did anyway.  I sent the last correspondance between us and won't send anymore...I won't chase or be clingy...that's just not me.  He now knows how I feel and if he wants to get in touch he knows where to find me...and I will leave it at that. .

So, I will just keep living my life and carry the lessons I have learned from having him in my life with me always.  I have learned what "real love" is all about and to me that is a gift.  If we have a chance to see where this relationship (thru Match.com) can go...that would be great...if we don't then I can walk away with something of tremendous value.  How can I ask for anymore?.

Thanks for listening.  ..

Comment #16

Thanks yankee!  I'm trying to anyway.  It's funny, there was a time in my life where I thought that intelligent excentric men with neurotic quirks were cute...looking back I am wondering what planet I was living on because they turn out to be pretty annoying.  Now, I am just tired and want an intelligent funny normal healthy guy who enjoys life...he has all those qualities and that is why I fell for him.  He's a great guy.  So, at the very least I know that there are still men like that out there.  I'm at a pretty good place in my life too...my kids are grown and I am young and attractive enough to start a whole new life for myself..

It is exciting to think about what the future can bring.  I am ready to find out that is for sure..

Thanks for listening.   ..

Comment #17

LOL me too!  I wonder what was I thinking about the last 3 relationships I had.  I am starting my life over, but without a man in it.  I just dont think I want all the hassle that goes with having a bf, especially living with one.  Nopey, nopey, nopey.  I have been badly burned 3 times in a row, nufs a nuf.  The old saying theres no fool like an old fool, man I am the poster women for that..

Anyway, glad you are happy and best wishes to you.  Dont be a stranger I enjoy talking with you.  There are a list of boards I visit in my profile if you care to join me on some of them..

 .

Powered by CGISpy.com.

 .

My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #18

"Only time will tell if it was only for "season".  "  - I dont know what this means...?.

If you dont mind me asking...how do see that this was a real love?  Can you elaborate?  You loved him, yes.  But he didnt participate in the relationship (thru Match.com) in a way that is indicative of how you *should* be treated.  I could be wrong...but I would think that you will one day really find out what real love is...as will many of us.  I think that when you have experienced real love you will be treated differently and your efforts and feelings will be reciprocated and you will, hopefully, be dealt with honestly..

"I wish the best for you and hope that everything comes out in your favor so you can finally move on with your life. ".

Thanks..

" It must be so hard to live day in and day out without any relief from the stress...I have seen what that stress can do to people first hand.  It's not pretty and it takes a toll on one's health...to say the least.".

You are right - no prettiness here.  I do feel emotionally exhausted from being harassed and vandalized all the time and get tired easier than I used to.  I work out but it doesnt really relieve this type of stress to a big degree...

Comment #19

Yes, communicate how you feel in a clear manner. No mixed messages from you!.

,..

Comment #20

"If I don't hear from him I will know that he is not in a good place and that I need to move on - and I will. ".

I'm kind of in the same boat as you.  While I have been communicated to (in a strange way) "clearly" (as you say) - I am still waiting for his arrival.  Until he actually arrives...anything can happen.  He will have ample opportunity (I'm sure) over the next few months to rip my heart out or disrespect me or my commitment to him (privately or publicly) - so I just sit back and watch the events unfold.  Because of his line of work he can be put in compromising positions with female coworkers and if he crosses any lines (ANY) he best NOT show up and stay where he is - because he will be wasting my time and his - I will want nothing to do with him. He knows that I'd even expect him to walk out on a deal or cancel things in order to not put himself in compromising positions - and, yes, leave that profession because it can and does breakup marriages and relationships.  I dont feel bad because he would ask the same of me...*that* I figured out too..

 If a potential SO does not respect you right off the bat..and especially doesnt respect you during the worst moments of your life...then he never will. I would certainly not hurt anyone anytime like that, especially if they were in my shoes.  My feelings are that if you disrespect your SO publicly then there is nothing to that relationship (thru Match.com) and that person will throw you under the bus one day..

He says he wants to marry me but my standards are pretty high in terms of how I expect to be treated by a potential husband. And it doesnt involve spends gobs of money on me...it is about how well he takes care of my heart.  I have been infatuated with him for a long time but I never expected him to return the attraction or sentiment.  Unknown to me...he has felt the same way for a long time...but..it was hidden from me.  He thought I wasnt attracted to him or wasnt interested in him.  He has never come out in a public way about his feelings about me - I think because of the mess my life is - and that he has been trying to help me get out of this - and it would be nice if he did acknowledge me publicly.  He says he knows I'm in love with him but why dont I say it?  Well...if he is uncomfortable acknowledge me and his feelings for me...why would I be comfortable?  His actions do impact how I respond to him..

So, like you, if he never does follow through (he gets mad when I say these things...hehe...but it aint over til the fat lady sings...and she hasn't sung yet...so I keep my wits about me and stay grounded) and doesnt show up down here then I have no choice but to move on.  But lets hope that is not the case because I'd love to love him...

Comment #21

Thanks for the invite, yankee...I will definitely check them out.  I am so glad that these boards exist because they really allow you to get your thoughts out there.  When I woke up this morning I felt so much better than I did earlier in the week because posting here allowed me to process my thoughts. .

I like your idea of being hassle free for a while.  Since there seems to be NC in my situation now I guess I am free to be hassle free for a while too.  I think I will take advantage of it and just be happy with being *me* and go with the flow without any expectations.  Whatever happens...happens, right? .

I have been reading your posts while lurking and you have it together too...keep up the good work. And keep your thoughts focused on what you really want in a relationship (thru Match.com) and that person will appear in your life when you least expect it..

Thanks again!..

Comment #22

Hahaha - yes indeed - I am someone who does not believe in sending mixed messages to men.  it's just not the right thing to do to someone. I did just get a message from my beloved - he lurks on these boards - he is such the voyeur. .

He is a little concerned about my fears about him and the only thing I can do is reassure him that if he were me...he'd behave the same way.  I havent seen him yet andhe prefers to message me moreso than speaking to me on the phone..so I know that he feels he has been honest and above board with me and I love that about him.  But if he could see it through my eyes for just one minute he'd understand me more and would just be *patient* with me about trust and trusting him - because I have been so beaten up for so long my trust level is at the lowest it has ever been in my life.  I dont know exactly what he has done to help me get out of my dilema - he hasn't elaborated - so again, since I am on the outside of all communication within the bad guy circle I need him to be patient about these things.  I dont even know when any relief will come to me, for sure.  That is why my stress levels are so high.  He also needs to know that the comedian who I want in jail will make sure that he (my beloved) will look bad to me when it is time for them to come face to face in the next couple of months.  He'll make sure to put him in some sort of compromising position so that I can get hurt because comedian-man is a horrible person.  He shouldnt be naive about him and his intentions..

The other reason that I have a natural concern about my heart being ripped apart is because everyone seems to place more importance on their "role" and "rules" than me and my feelings - even if it means hurting me.  They do what the criminals tell them to do - like sickening robots.  I have no respect for people anymore.  Let's face it - no one has even wanted to call me and be a shoulder for me to lean on - no one.  So I dont know why he is so confused about me afraid of getting slammed - he hasn't been a shoulder either.  And if he cared..he would.  It is hugely unfair that the burden was placed upon me having to provide myself with reassurance and hope.  It was wrong and immoral and unethical and no one seems to care I hope everyone gets it back- double over..

Sorry...needed to vent...

Comment #23

Okay - update.  My "intended" contacted me again after I posted the above reply.  He told me to "calm the f* down" and that he was "on it" and if that guy tries to make him hurt me he will "fry his ass."  I like my comedians extra crispy if you dont mind...hahaha..

"calm the f* down?"  oh yeah?  well..he can just "stick it".  I bet if he were me...he wouldnt be calm for one minute. .

He asked me if I was upset about him not calling yet - well what do you think smarty pants?.

He said that he hasn't done that yet to "protect" me.  News to me.....suuurrre - we can discuss this over some alcohol..okay? Because I think I'm going to need to be drunk to listen to all of this.  He is supposed to be my husband one day...I wonder how he got himself into this...poor thing...I sure hope he likes make-up sex..

He said he wants to help me take care of the house ....why?   I dont require him to do that.  He doesnt want me in the gutters anymore..hehehe.  Okay, is he going to get the bad guys to stop crapping in my gutters then?.

Oh..he is also a little perturbed about my most recent conversation with my personal trainer.  He felt it was a little too risque.  Oh yeah?  At least I didnt ask a complete stranger if she was a member of the mile high club!!! And who knows what the conversation consisted of before and after that question???!!! Huh??!!    All we talked about was the penis size of someone who I slept with once, how I did not laugh (that is an awful thing to think about me!!),  and plastic surgery disasters.  He wanted to know if that was payback for the 60 minute spoof.  The answer is NO!!!!  I really saw it as more of a clinical conversation than a sexual conversation. .

And...he said that "just for the record" he doesnt want me cheating on him.  I dont understand why he said that..but...okay..sure thing babe ((furrowing eyebrow in confusion)).  I gave him my word - no cheating, no dating and no inappropriate behavior. .

But...oookkkaayyy I wont talk to my trainer about penises anymore.  NOW...he BETTER not have inappropriate conversation with ANY woman for ANY reason. Deal?  No lip kisses to ANYONE either.  If he breaks his deals with me...he can go fly a kite. I dont marry deal breakers.  Just an update...

Comment #24

Glad you have decided to do the me thing for a while.  I think you will find that you are a good person. .

I dont know about having it together.  I can clearly see other peoples problems and know the answer for them, but when it comes to my own it's as clear as mud.  I am working on me tho, and at this point have decided that I do not want a relationship.  Just to old and tired for the hassle..

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Powered by CGISpy.com.

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #25

Hey ragingangel, as usual your thoughts have thrown me off kilter a bit causing me to pause and think about things.  I don't mean this in a bad way so please don't take offense.  I read your second post too (were you feelin a little guilty there raging?...haha) and will answer it here as well.    .

"Only time will tell if it was only for a "season".   - I dont know what this means...?".

What I meant is that I am a believer that people appear in our lives for a reason...they are there to teach us something about ourselves.  Sometimes it's only for a "season" - the amount of time it takes for us learn a particular lesson and then they fade away.  Or, they could be someone who has the potential (if they are willing of course) to evolve with us in a much more meaningful way, thus laying the foundation for something really incredible. .

If you dont mind me asking...how do see that this was a real love?  Can you elaborate?  You loved him, yes.  But he didnt participate in the relationship (thru Match.com) in a way that is indicative of how you *should* be treated..

It is an unconditional love...one that allows me to let him go and walk away if necessary without any harsh feelings.  That is the reason I had to tell him because if he doesn't see the relationship (thru Match.com) progressing the same way then I have to walk away and move on.  Now that I know how real love can feel that is what I want...if not with him then I want to be free to find it with someone else.  Does that make sense?.

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Comment #26

Sorry, I will have to answer the other post later, raging (the one I mention in my above post) .  Going to the Beach!!!..

Comment #27

"Sometimes it's only for a "season" - the amount of time it takes for us learn a particular lesson and then they fade away. ".

I understand now.  Thank you..

"were you feelin a little guilty there raging?...haha".

Guilty about venting? Nope..

"It is an unconditional love...one that allows me to let him go and walk away if necessary without any harsh feelings. ".

I think we have different perspectives on this one topic - that's all.  I dont see the type of love you are talking about as "unconditional".  I think the love you feel for you kids is more like unconditional love.  However, as a separate topic, I'm not sure any love is truly unconditional.  If you dont treat someone right, or abuse them or hurt them over and over...that person will be gone eventually and so will their love.  Not sure, but it sounds nice to think that it exists.  And I have a different definition of real love too. But, we all see the world differently, dont we?.

My beloved contacted me and checked to see if I was doing better today.  He is very cute.  He went into some detail about his upcoming visit to me. He understands that the news of his affections for me is a surprise, but he has been dealing with these emotions for a very long time, he said.  He wants to come here to "seal the deal" so to speak, he said.  He wants to take me out of my house (which is what I said I wanted - and that is correct) and take me "home".  It sounds very nice.  He has made all of these decisions without putting time into dating (online dating with Match.com) me - which is a concern to me for reasons that are very logical.  He said he just knows that we are a perfect fit in every way, including sexually.  He knows I have to finish fixing the house from all of the exterior and interior vandalism I experienced because of my second exhusband and that psycho doctor he hooked up with.  He wants to help with that and how I know he can be helpful is by being a second set of eyes when any contractor comes to the house to install something.  This way I have a witness if they try anything funny like they did countless times before.  He understands that I didnt intend to have a sexually suggestive conversation with my trainer but he'd prefer that I didnt.  That's okay - as long as the same courtesy is returned to me.  He said (again) that he wants me to be excited about his visit - and I am - but the victimization keeps me from looking too far ahead and I know it keeps him away...

Comment #28

If you dont treat someone right, or abuse them or hurt them over and over...that person will be gone eventually and so will their love..

I have learned enough about life and relationships to not get involved with a person who is abusive or hurtful.  You are speaking about love in general here right?  I'm really intuitive and know pretty quickly if someone has the potential to be abusive and hurtful - fallng in love with a person like that is not something I would do.  So, for argument sake, I can agree that loving a person of low integrity would not be an unconditional love.  How can it be because the love would be based on unresolved issues within the person claiming to be in love...right?.

 I dont see the type of love you are talking about as "unconditional".  I think the love you feel for you kids is more like unconditional love..

Regarding my situation it would be hard for you to see because I haven't really given enough information about the relationship (thru Match.com) for anyone to really understand. .

And I have a different definition of real love too. But, we all see the world differently, dont we?.

Agreed.  (unconditionally...hahaha).

He understands that the news of his affections for me is a surprise, but he has been dealing with these emotions for a very long time, he said.  He wants to come here to "seal the deal" so to speak, he said.  He wants to take me out of my house (which is what I said I wanted - and that is correct) and take me "home". .

That sounds incredibly romantic - it sounds like you have a really great man.  So I guess dreams really can come true....

He has made all of these decisions without putting time into dating (online dating with Match.com) me - which is a concern to me for reasons that are very logical.  He said he just knows that we are a perfect fit in every way, including sexually..

Perhaps by reading what you have written here will help you gain a better understanding of my situation as well.  People do have the ability to see the real person inside without going through the "conventional" methods of dating.  It's happened to you right?.

Edited 8/31/2008 2:56 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #29

"Regarding my situation it would be hard for you to see because I haven't really given enough information about the relationship (thru Match.com) for anyone to really understand.  ".

Gotcha.  If you dont feel like providing more info then that is understood. .

"That sounds incredibly romantic - it sounds like you have a really great man.  So I guess dreams really can come true...".

It does sound pretty romantic, doesnt it?  It seems as though he *is* great.  As far as dreams go..let's not be premature and see if it all does work out for me.  Most women dream of Prince Charming.  I wanted a gladiator.  He might just be my gladiator..hehe..

"Perhaps by reading what you have written here will help you gain a better understanding of my situation as well.  People do have the ability to see the real person inside without going through the "conventional" methods of dating.  It's happened to you right?".

Is that what happened to you?  It wasnt clear in your posts.  Now I'm understanding your feelings about the love you feel for him.  Was he not aware *at all* of your feelings until you sent that correspondence with your emotions?  Do you feel he reciprocates your emotions?  Also, do you think that because he is leaving one relationship (thru Match.com) he may not want to be in another love relationship (thru Match.com) but something more casual?.

This type of situation is a combination of dream-like yet freaky because most often these things just dont happen.  People just dont fall in love that way usually. I know that I do get concerned because he says he wants to marry me but he hasn't even had sex with me yet.  The experience has been strange, let me tell you.  I'm sure it has been just as strange for him.  I like our little chats but I want more, of course.  I want our conversations to be like how other people communicate and I want to see him.  So when he speaks to me it always leaves me wanting more.  And then I have an internal hissy fit and curse everyone who did this to me...

Comment #30

Little behind in my posting because the weather at the beach is fantastic. .

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He is a little concerned about my fears about him and the only thing I can do is reassure him that if he were me...he'd behave the same way..

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Thats a very fair assumption.  If communication is lacking or far between it is easy to let doubt and fear creep inits only human..

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But if he could see it through my eyes for just one minute he'd understand me more and would just be *patient* with me about trust and trusting him.

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Fair request sometimes you need to take a look at it through the eyes of the other person to truly understand how they feel.  Especially in your situation because the circumstances or should I say *relationship* is so different from how things normally progress..

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He doesnt want me in the gutters anymore..hehehe. Okay, is he going to get the bad guys to stop crapping in my gutters then?.

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Hahahatoo funny!  When he is done fixing your gutters can you send him over to fix minethey could use it.  *Just kidding*.

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Oh..he is also a little perturbed about my most recent conversation with my personal trainer. He felt it was a little too risque.

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Ahhthat shouldnt alarm him because girls talk about these things sometimes when they think no one listening.  We never mean any harm and it doesnt mean we are being disloyal to our SO's.  Besides, when guys are on the golf course they certainly arent talking about weatherknow what I mean?  I was told once that guys do not like women on their golf outings with their *buddies* because then they cant talk about the set on the new administrative assistanthahaha..

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And...he said that "just for the record" he doesnt want me cheating on him.

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What do you get in return for your loyalty?  Perhaps a new car?  Will he promise to fan you with a feather and feed you grapes occasionally after he arrives (kidding of course, but you know what I mean)for all of your patience and waiting and being loyal?  I think you deserve the royal treatment in return for your commitment and patience in these circumstances.  And, in all fairness, he will deserve the same treatment in return for following through..

 .

Good luck and keep us updated.  I cant wait to hear about the outcome with the comedianmake sure you fill us in.       ..

Comment #31

"Little behind in my posting because the weather at the beach is fantastic.  ".

How nice - in what part of the country do you reside?  I havent been to the beach in a very long time.  The sea lice here is horrible..

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"Especially in your situation because the circumstances or should I say *relationship* is so different from how things normally progress.".

You are not kidding - this is very different.  It is almost too good to be true...so I do tread lightly..

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"that shouldnt alarm him because girls talk about these things sometimes when they think no one listening. ".

My personal trainer is a guy - thus the reason for his discomfort about the conversation.  But my trainer thought I was hilarious..

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"  I was told once that guys do not like women on their golf outings with their *buddies* because then they cant talk about the set on the new administrative assistant".

However, you are correct about their favorite topic of conversation - women and their bodies.  I wonder when they will learn to focus on other areas besides bodies they still view "hot" as a physical attribute that can be quantified by actual body parts instead of a state of mind or attitude. *sigh* they are always misfiring and because of that...they tend to strike out in romance.  I learned a long time ago to be open to the physical looks of men for this very reason.  I'm sure there are plenty of great looking women (and men) that are complete duds in bed and duds in terms of being a party to a relationship.  Sometimes men do talk freely.  I used to work with teams of men and they never held back in front me..

 .

"What do you get in return for your loyalty? .

I think I get to be tied to a bed....hehehe!!  .

 .

Will he promise to fan you with a feather and feed you grapes occasionally after he arrives (kidding of course, but you know what I mean)for all of your patience and waiting and being loyal?  I think you deserve the royal treatment in return for your commitment and patience in these circumstances.  And, in all fairness, he will deserve the same treatment in return for following through.".

 But seriously...I agree - I should get the royal treatment and so should he.  Maybe we'll be like kids playing in a sandbox but instead of a sandbox it will be a bed, couch, bathtub, shower, balcony, desk, table, etc.  Thanks for the kind words..

 .

 "I cant wait to hear about the outcome with the comedianmake sure you fill us in".

Oh..I hope I dont actually have to do that.  I hope it makes the front page of every newspaper in the country...hahaha!!  Funny man goes to jail..hehe...

Comment #32

How nice - in what part of the country do you reside?  I havent been to the beach in a very long time.  The sea lice here is horrible..

The east coast.  Sea lice?  I just looked that up...ouch!  That would keep me away from the beach too.  The beach weather was great up this way and we all finished off the weekend by meeting for sushi (yummy) before going our separate ways..

Is that what happened to you?  It wasnt clear in your posts.  Now I'm understanding your feelings about the love you feel for him.  Was he not aware *at all* of your feelings until you sent that correspondence with your emotions? .

Yes, in a sense.  We were dating (online dating with Match.com) casually and as time went on my feelings grew because the more I got to know him the more I *loved* what I saw.  (I knew early on that I was falling for him...how could I not as he is just so d*mn adorable!)  I am not sure if he was aware of my feelings...he was amazed when he found out though..

 Do you feel he reciprocates your emotions?  Also, do you think that because he is leaving one relationship (thru Match.com) he may not want to be in another love relationship (thru Match.com) but something more casual?.

I am not sure, but think I heard him express his feelings once at the end of a phone conversation before I told him how I felt - since I wasn't sure I was too afraid to say anything (hahaha...didn't want to put him on the spot...ya know?).   He may have wanted something more casual and that is why I had to tell him how I felt.  It would be unfair to both of us if I didn't say anything...once *love* entered the picture it changed the rules and since I am honest I had to tell him.  It's hard for me to just be casual about my feelings..

 I should get the royal treatment and so should he.  Maybe we'll be like kids playing in a sandbox but instead of a sandbox it will be a bed, couch, bathtub, shower, balcony, desk, table, etc.  Thanks for the kind words..

Hahaha...sounds like a great plan.  You are welcome. .

 The experience has been strange, let me tell you.  I'm sure it has been just as strange for him.  I like our little chats but I want more, of course.  I want our conversations to be like how other people communicate and I want to see him.  So when he speaks to me it always leaves me wanting more. .

I am sure it was.  I really can identify with what you are going through.  My situation evolved in a very non conventional way too.  Won't it be nice to have converstaions like real "human beins" when you finally get together?.

And then I have an internal hissy fit and curse everyone who did this to me..

Don't worry, the karma wheel may have a down side at times, but it always comes back around to show it also has a really incredible up side too. .

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Edited 9/2/2008 10:11 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #33

Update:  dreams dont come true.  He blew it.  All he had to do was be concerned about my heart - not my fingers, neck or ears for jewelry, or my body for clothes, or my ass for what kind of car to drive...my heart that's all ...and he cant get it together so forget it.  He will not contact me like a "human being"...to be a shoulder for me to lean on...and I really need that in a guy if I am going to date using Match.com him.  If no one wants to be that person for me right now...then I guess it will be some time before I meet someone who I would consider serious  relationship material.  I'd rather be alone than settle for someone who wouldnt extend themselves to me but says he loves me?  too contradictory for me..

He has no regard for what he says or how he says it..even if hurts me (regarding women) ..meanwhile he nitpicks at everything I say to people (like the personal trainer conversation about an ex)...he is a hypocrite.  He knows I'm going through tons of emotional crap and he just heaped more on me and I really dont need that right now. I need someone who is going to soothe my heart..not agitate me.  He needs to move on.  If he did help me with my victimization then I'll send him a thank you note and pay him back whatever money he spent doing so (so I owe him nothing) , but that doesnt mean he is right for me to be involved with romantically. .

If he is not respecting me and my feelings NOW he is never going to  and no one can convince me otherwise.  And how he treats me NOW means so much more than what I guess he realized.  Also - he refuses to acknowledge that I exist. .

So...let's wrap this up...no acknowledgment, no shoulder, inappropriate behavior, sharing too much info done in a very public way, holds me to different standards than he applies to himself...gee...doesnt sound like a winning combination..does it?  He obviously didnt take me or my words seriously...and that mistake has been made by countless men and I have always learned that there is more fish in the sea and I just move on.  So one day I'll meet someone who may be deserving of my heart.  If he is upset .. he has no one to blame but himself. He shouldnt have hurt me the way he did - he had no consideration for me and what I am going through.  he should have had the balls to stand up to whomever expected him to say those things and behave that way.  he showed me who or what is more important to him.  How a man treats me NOW means the world to me and it is THAT man who will win my heart not some selfish prick who doesnt want to be here during the bad times.  If my first exhusband can call me, meet with me and talk to me normally (no rules) then so can this guy.  No excuses..

"The beach weather was great up this way and we all finished off the weekend by meeting for sushi (yummy) before going our separate ways.".

Glad to hear you had a nice day..

"He may have wanted something more casual and that is why I had to tell him how I felt.  It would be unfair to both of us if I didn't say anything...once *love* entered the picture it changed the rules and since I am honest I had to tell him.  It's hard for me to just be casual about my feelings.".

It was smart you said something to him.  I agree - once you have real feelings for someone everything changes and you cant dismiss them or treat them lightly..

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Comment #34

Gosh, I am so sorry that this happened to you.  Everything seemed to be going so well for you. .

Does he know that you want him to call you and be there for support?  And what exactly do you mean by rules? .

Again, so sorry this happened and I hope that you are able to find some kind of peace with it all.  Maybe there is some kind of resonable explanation for all this...but, then again, I am saying that because I am not aware of the circumstances surrounding how he shared too much information in a public way..

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Comment #35

"Does he know that you want him to call you and be there for support?".

Yes he most certainly does.  I have stated also in a public way (like on these boards, for instance - he lurks) that I want him to be there for me and acknowledge that I exist and that he has feelings for me.  It seems as though he is not interested in doing any of those things and that's fine...he doesnt have to do that but...then he doesnt have *me*.  He cant have it both ways.  Maybe he banked on having it both ways, or thought I would "just understand"...but I expect more from a man who says he wants to be my husband.  I expect him to brave the fools out there and not go along with any type of malicious or bullying behavior towards me. .

He put himself in a ridiculous position - to ask things of me (like not date using Match.com anyone) and not give me what I want in return.  I went along with everything for a while just to see what he would do..to see what he was made of...to see if he really was someone who did love me (like he professed).  And..now I have my answer.  You dont ask your future wife to suck up *anything*..

For some reason it meant something to him (dont know exactly what it meant now..) for him to hear that I was "his".   And since this is REAL (not roleplay - they all live in a land of make believe...I DONT) and he doesnt want to give me what I want, need and deserve and that's his choice but then he cant not "be there" for me during my lowest moments and expect to pop back into my life when things improve.  Again, he cant have it both ways. I'm not going to settle for second rate treatment from him or anyone who is interested in dating (online dating with Match.com) me.  I am not going to be changing my dating (online dating with Match.com) behavior right now - I probably wont consider dating (online dating with Match.com) anyone until things improve for me legally.  Who knows what he is going to do..

I am not a participant in the sick games that these people play with each other.  I am not a participant in what I referenced in earlier posts to you about the victimization I am experiencing - medical doctor, second exhusband, etc.  Everyone, but ME has a role, and they live by a set of rules.  And his rules may have included him doing or saying things that would upset me.  For instance, among the people who ambushed me...they live by a rule that no one is to talk to me or help me emotionally through this experience.  It is done so that I just collapse mentally and then they would assume that the punishment they would receive from me via the justice system would be that much less.  Like, "if we all just stick together and ignore her and dont help her and dont be there for her...then she'll have no choice to accept this and have no choice but to collapse from the pressure."  Of course they underestimated me and I'm going to kick their asses in when it is time..

However, I cant trust someone who would not want to be there for me and call me or email me and let know what is going on and be there for me to talk to. That's cruel.  I cant trust someone who would (even for appearances sake) hurt my heart to appease the bad guys.  He put himself in a very bad position with me.  He mentioned that young women want to have sex with him  eventhough he has aged (right there on the blanket he said - what the heck is doing lying with them on the blanket?!!) He said it to someone who would print what he said.  Maybe he wanted an ego boost or look like a big shot..whaaatever.  Why say that?  I wouldnt say anything to him about anyone making a play for me...why?  All it does it hurt the person and create mistrust - because when men share too much info...they do it to make you jealous and insecure.  That's not love.   I knew it - I knew that he would do something stupid to rip my heart out.  So...at least I found out earlier rather than later.  And if he is upset about this..then he has no one to blame but himself. I'm sure he realized what he was doing while he was talking and he just didnt care.  I dont want any contact with him...

Comment #36

Hey ragingangel...hope you're feeling better today.  I wanted to make a comment on something you posted to give you an alternative view..

Maybe he wanted an ego boost or look like a big shot..whaaatever.  Why say that?  I wouldnt say anything to him about anyone making a play for me...why?  All it does it hurt the person and create mistrust - because when men share too much info...they do it to make you jealous and insecure. .

I read a good book recently about men and what makes them say the things that they do and when they talk about other women it isn't always what you think.  The men that provided input for the book (they asked to remain anonymous...haha...didn't want to openly dime out their comrads) said when men talk about other women being attracted to them or being friends with them to the woman they are dating, it was because THEY (the men) are feeling insecure.  They said a woman doesn't really have to worry if her man is talking about other women because it means there is nothing going on.  It is when they DON'T talk about the women friends in their life that a woman has reason to worry..

Just some food for thought.  I, personally, do not think you should throw in the towel because of this...I think you should talk to him about it.  Tell him how it makes you feel and that if the relationship (thru Match.com) is going to continue he needs to be more respectful of your feelings.  It sounds more like a "tit for tat" situation, which pretty much is saying that he is just as scared as you are.  Find out why...ask him what is it that you are doing to make him feel this way.  Take the vicitimization out of the picture for a moment and look at just the relationship between the two of you without anything else...bare bones so-to-speak.  And then try maybe putting yourself into his shoes to see what it looks like from that side. .

Why not use the opportunity to take the communication within the relationship (thru Match.com) to the next level instead of cutting and running?  You at least have some communication with him and that can be expanded if the two of you really put forth the effort.  Just some thoughts...that's all..

In my situation, however, I am screwed up on the whole communication thing...not sure what to do because I don't have anything to go on at the moment.  I would love to talk to him, but he is a man and probably needs space or is just plain not interested. .

 .

 .

Edited 9/3/2008 8:58 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #37

Thanks for the reply. .

I dont see it the way the book suggests.  I believe that too much info (like sexual past) does not help - it actually creates more mistrust and wrecks relationships.  I dont feel that it is appropriate to mention every time a guy hits on me, for instance, because nothing came of it or will come of it - all it will do is make a guy nuts over time.  All it does is create bad feelings.  I dont feel that constant expressions about the opposite sex is healthy either (like ogling and telling)  - like your book suggests. I know all of these "honesty" tactics are new and I dont agree that they are effective or helpful.  The "honest no matter what" is a terrible idea.  I never had to deal with any of this in my previous marriages or relationships and I feel that it was the right thing to do and the right way to conduct a relationship..

You mentioned that one needs to fear the woman a guy doesnt talk about...okay..no system is without flaws.  In a situation like this..the guy could fool around with the woman he talks about or does not talk about.  But..if he knows that his gf will be less suspicious about women he talks about...then...he knows exactly what to do to throw her off.  If a guy wants another woman enough...he'll find a way to get around things..

"I, personally, do not think you should throw in the towel because of this...I think you should talk to him about it. ".

Okay..this is the problem. He does not wish to communicate with me normally (like your guy) so I cant talk to him about this in a normal manner.  he has to make the first move and contact me either via phone or email or mail in order to get a conversation like this going with me and he will not handle it this way for...who knows how long from now? He wants everything to work off of his timetable and my feelings and the heart dont work on a timetable...they need to be dealt with when issues come up.  He'll make me wait and I'll just disconnect from him during that time...so he gets his timetable met..but he loses me.  Someone who needs that type of extreme control is not right for me.  I need someone who is flexible and can compromise.  He is not willing to compromise about contacting me ...so...what can I do except to leave?  His stubborness is causing this - I'm stuck he isnt..

 Like I said, if my first exhusband can do it...so can he.   I dont know why he said what he said... and does it really matter anymore?  The bottom line is that he put himself in a compromising position (blanket) to get that type of proposition and he shouldnt be putting himself in those positions anymore if he is serious about the commitment he asked for from me. So his behavior is inappropriate for someone who *says* he wants to be my husband.  For all I know...he wants to build space between us because the time will come that his fantasy of me becomes a reality and maybe he likes the fantasy more.  Maybe he really doesnt want this because that is how his behavior has been looking. And if that is what he wants...then he needs to say so and we go our separate ways...but he'd rather hurt me - very immature..

Normally I dont cut and run when I am with someone I am serious about.  I try all ways and methods to heal things and to expand communication.  But this scenario is impinged because of his behavior to start.  I CANT see marrying someone who will not be there for me during this time  - it is a requirement and a dealbreaker - and I dont think anyone would see it differently.  I deserve that and that is normal behavior for someone who *says* he loves you.  He may have his own reasons for abandoning me during this time emotionally and I really dont care what his reasons are...because where there is a will there is a way...if a man is serious about a woman he'll find a way to be there for her. He also deprives himself of me being there for him too by abandoning me.  Maybe he really doesnt care about that.  His loss because we could have been there for each other and that would have been nice..

I know you want me to take the victimization out of the picture...but it is the victimization that makes him treat me the way he does.  So I cant take it out because HE makes it the issue.  Either he has empathy for me or he doesnt - there is no compromise there.  I feel that disrespect and callousness are traits that are not changeable. I'm the victim..he needs to bend to me because he has all the room inthe world and I'm stuck here in this position with no where to go.  He can still conduct his life to enjoy vacations, dates, sex, going out to eat, see concerts, have success at work, etc - his life is not controlled like mine...so..he needs to bend to me - it is only logical..

There is definitely no "tit for tat" issue because I havent done anything to him.  I havent said anything to him or to anyone else to warrant that type of response from him..

 ..

Comment #38

There is definitely no "tit for tat" issue because I havent done anything to him.  I havent said anything to him or to anyone else to warrant that type of response from him..

I didn't mean to imply that you did something to him...I'm sorry if it sounded that way.  I was talking about him and his perception as a guy (not that he is right mind you).  What would you do if he contacted you now? .

I dont feel that constant expressions about the opposite sex is healthy either (like ogling and telling)  - like your book suggests..

I didn't mean to make it sound that way.  It wasn't saying ogling and telling...it said that if a guy is just talking about women in general then the woman doesn't need to worry..

You mentioned that one needs to fear the woman a guy doesnt talk about...okay..no system is without flaws.  In a situation like this..the guy could fool around with the woman he talks about or does not talk about.  But..if he knows that his gf will be less suspicious about women he talks about...then...he knows exactly what to do to throw her off.  If a guy wants another woman enough...he'll find a way to get around things..

True, this could happen...I won't argue that..

 He'll make me wait and I'll just disconnect from him during that time...so he gets his timetable met..but he loses me.  Someone who needs that type of extreme control is not right for me.  I need someone who is flexible and can compromise.  He is not willing to compromise about contacting me ...so...what can I do except to leave?  His stubborness is causing this - I'm stuck he isnt.

Understood, it is difficult for a woman to be in this position because men set it up that way.  If we reach out and make contact they view us as "needy" and it turns them off...so what else are we suppose to do...right?  I agree that it can be controlling and I was thinking the very same thing today...it's like you are at an impasse or something.  In a normal communicating relationship (thru Match.com) a woman can pick up the phone and call, but when it is at a transitional stage, unfortunately, the man has to initiate contact.  The woman is d*mned if she does.  Although, I feel right now that I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't.  Not really sure why I am feeling that way.  .

Well, if he loses you then it's his loss because he did want to marry you, right?  I hope that something shakes loose for you soon because it sounds like you are struggling in very tough circumstances. .

 .

Edited 9/3/2008 11:34 pm ET by chi_tea08.

Edited 9/3/2008 11:36 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #39

"I was talking about him and his perception as a guy (not that he is right mind you).".

If he perceived the need to tit for tat...then his perception is wrong..

"  What would you do if he contacted you now? ".

Not sure if I even have to think that through any longer - who knows if he'll contact me.  I dont know if he realized that by not being there for me during this time that I would consider that something that would disqualify him in my mind as someone to marry.  I dont know or understand why he wouldnt realize that - it seems to make sense to me - you stay away from someone when they need you most and then they learn that they can never trust you  and realize that you really dont want them for better or worse.  That behavior undermines the very essence of what marriage/friendship is all about..

I guess if he followed the sorry logic of "honest no matter what" and made that earlier statement he could also follow the most sorry logic of "I'll make it up to you later" that everyone tosses around like a hot potato.   It seems as though in the dating/married world these days people dont care about the damage they do to their SO and their relationships because they can always "make it up later" and that is not the case.  There are just some things you cant make up for someone. I dont live life by "make it up to you later" - I prefer to treat people correctly from the start - THAT creates trust..

If he did call me I probably wouldnt believe it was him right away.  I'd probably think that my mother asked someone to play a trick on me...hehe.  "yeah...suuuurrre...how much did she pay you...because I'll double it if you do one back for me?" hehehe.

"it's like you are at an impasse or something.  In a normal communicating relationship (thru Match.com) a woman can pick up the phone and call, but when it is at a transitional stage, unfortunately, the man has to initiate contact. ".

Yes...I am, again, stuck.  He put me and him in a position where he provided no outlet for me by which to contact him to discuss these issues that HE keeps creating.  So he clobbers me one (just after I said he didnt had other opportunities to do so - I know - I'm an idiot to even have a happy moment..let alone a happy thought) and then ... I spaz out..

"Although, I feel right now that I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't.  Not really sure why I am feeling that way.".

Well, in your situation you layed out your feelings for him and he pulled away.  What does *anyone* do in that situation?  If I were in your shoes I'd probably just walk away and not contact him because his silence speaks volumes.  While you are probably hurting because you want to know what his thoughts and feelings are about what you said - you are much better off that you didnt waste more time and energy waiting for this divorce to go through because you really dont know if he is even truly getting a divorce.  Some people need closure - is that something that is important to you?.

"Well, if he loses you then it's his loss because he did want to marry you, right? ".

That's what he said - marriage. I feel it would be his loss.  However, he may not feel it is a loss.  Since he is handsome, intelligent, talented ...he wouldnt be alone for any length of time so it could end up that he doesnt experience any loss (in his mind) because we are all replaceable.    I mean, if he was concerned about something like that I think I would have heard from him by now.  Because of what happened to me I'm used to feeling as though I dont matter anymore and that no one really experiences feeling a "loss" if I am not part of their lives.  So if he didnt feel that way either it wouldnt shock me anymore - like it shocked me when "friends" and "family" behaved this way..

" I hope that something shakes loose for you soon because it sounds like you are struggling in very tough circumstances. ".

Yeah, life sucks.  I used to be like you.  I used to get together with people who called themselves friends and go to the beach and hang out and eat and drink.  Sometimes I see something - it could be a person doing something a certain way- and I look at it and the way it hits me sometimes is from a place very far away in my mind and then it takes a minute and then I can remember the emotion that I felt when I was who I once was doing that very same thing.  Like "I used to be her" - "I used to be able to call a repair man to fix _______", "I used to be able to leave my house and not inspect it when I come home for damage/vandalism", I used to ......"  The best analogy I could give is from the film "Terminator 2 - Judgement Day".  There is a scene where the actress Linda Hamilton watches a mother playing with a child - lifting the child in the air - and she watches it and she feels great pain.  You can tell that is what was going through her mind "I used to be just like that"...

Comment #40

You don't want to be someone's rebound girl.  Go on with your life. If he tries to come in to it at some point in a real way make your decision then.  But it would be a crying shame to live your life in passive position - waiting for someone else to be ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) with you.  You have no control over his actions or emotions - only your own..

,..

Comment #41

I wholeheartedly agree.  I gave it a shot, it didn't work and now I am moving on.  Quite sad about it, but I got my answer by getting no answer. ..

Comment #42


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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