Your question was: I know he is toxic...........
You have been broken up for 2 years and you still think of him. It can take some people in some cases years to get over a break up. However, since you still maintain contact with him it is unlikely you will get over him any time soon. In order to move on you need to discontinue contact with him. In addition, talking to a counselor might be helpful in sorting out your feelings and any issues. Before choosing a counselor you might want to find out what modality they use in their therapy and do some research and see if you feel comfortable with how they approach clients' problems. For instance if one uses a Freudian approach and another prefers Rogers or Jung your problems and your psychological make up will be perceived differently to each of the counselors..thus a different diagnosis or recommendation...
<<I just can't seem to get "Sam" out of my mind despite all this. Why is this? How can I get him out of my head, and after all the terrible things that he has done to me, why would I continue to think about such a horrible person? PLEASE EXPLAIN!! >>.
The reason people maintain ties - either real or emotional - to people who are toxic to them is because they are getting something from it - good or bad - they still get something from it. If something is 'done' or 'finished' there is no need to revisit it or maintain contact with it - whatever 'it' may be - in your case 'it' is a relationship/person. .
You get something from the contact - yet to know what you are getting requires that you do some serious soul searching - what need are you trying to fill in yourself with this relationship? that of rescuer? is he a reminder or proof of your own unworthiness? Hon, people attract what they are - you are emotionally bound to a man who has anger issues, is manipulative, likely narcisistic, potentially violent, and who knows what else - all this ads up to someone who is deeply emotionally unwell - and all signs of having no self love or self respect. If he had these things, he wouldn't have these issues..
Now, the hard truth is - you attract this man and are attracted to him in some way - otherwise you'd have cut all ties long ago. What in you is angry, manipulative, without self love and self respect? Being these things doesn't mean you treat other people as this man does, you simply could treat yourself this way. HOn, it is hard to admit to ourselves the very real and ugly nature of our selves - but until you are willing to look within and do the work to change and correct your own emotional wounds, you will remain tied to this man.
When you heal your own scars, you grow and mature - and are naturally more emotionally stable. And you will want no part of people who are so negative and draining. YOu choose to remain tied to him - maybe the work required to heal and let go is more frightening than anything he ever did to you?.
YOu are holding onto poison - and the only reason you'd do that is because you are more afraid of letting it go than you are of the effects of it.....its like saying, I can stand this amount of poison on a routine basis because it doesn't hurt so much. Some poison kills you quickly, some takes longer - but poison in any amount limits your health. Emotional poison is just as deadly as any other - but people are willing to allow it because teh alternative - going through the healing process - scares them far more than the consequences of constant poisoning does.....
Facing your own fears and the ugliness that can be inside is veryhard and frightening - but when you do, you find a whole world of freedom. I hope you will seek professional counseling to help you with this..
Edited 9/18/2007 6:00 pm ET by tonitoons.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! No one has ever put it that way to me. I will def act on your advice. You don't know how releaved I am to know there is actually somthing I can do to fix this thanks again..
THANKS!!! I think I am def going to look into getting a therapist. I really don't want to think about him anymore, so something must be done!..
Good for you. tonitoons does mention some important things to remember in life, however it doesnt always apply. For instance, if you get involved with someone like this guy repeatedly, then there is a pattern and then you need to look at yourself and see what it is about you that is repeatedly drawn to someone like him. The whole "reflection" thing...there is an ounce of truth to it...some of the time. But again, I dont see it as a steadfast rule that can be applied each time. .
The reason I mention all of this...is that because you got involved with an abusive type person...you need to be real careful that you dont take on another person's point of view about you. At this stage you are vulnerable to that. That is why I suggested investigating the different treatment or therapy options so that you enter into a relationship (thru Match.com) with a therapist on an equal level and you are comfortable with their modality..otherwise you will be stuck in a situation where you will take on someone else's point of view about you and they can be very wrong. Therapists CAN be wrong. ..