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I know he is toxic..........

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I started dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy "Sam" back in May of 04. I had dated many guys before him but he was my first real love and the relationship (thru Match.com) started out wonderful. He was very attentive, good listener, romantic, great in bed, just my all around dream guy. I went into this relationship (thru Match.com) knowing he would be leaving for 3 months for marine boot camp. I was fine with that, and dealt with it relatively well while he was gone. I was faithful, and wrote him almost everyday.

After that everything went down hill. He became controlling, paranoid, and we would fight about a lot of stupid things. However, we still had this amazing passion for each other! Even though we fought a lot there was never a day where he didn't say and express how much he loved me. After another year went by, things got a little worse and in the middle of one of our fights I decided to tell him I wanted to break up, he preceded to grab his hand gun (not pointing it at me or himself) and asked me " what do you want me to do with this?" I was so in shock that I just walked out of the house. One month went by and we where broken up but still continued to see and treat each other as if we where still together (but no ties no label.

So during this time I started seeing a lot of this guy "Tom", a guy I had dated before "Sam", and I decided I was gonna move to Cal to live with him and give our relationship (thru Match.com) another try. "Sam" caught wind of this and showed up at my apt at 2 a.m. threatening to slit his wrist with his pocket knife if I didn't let him in. I called the cops and he left. another month went by and the moving date using Match.com was getting really close for me.

It finally bothered me so much I had to meet up with "Sam" and talk to him about how I was feeling, and to see how he felt about. So we met up for dinner. I told him that if he promised to seek help for his anger issues, and seriously try and change his ways, I would cancel all my plans and stay for him. He agreed. One week later I realized that things with him had only worsened, however the thought of leaving him crushed me!! Even though I was being treated like crap.

I went on a few dates, he did the same, and we gradually stopped talking. Now we are both in new relationships and talk to one another maybe once a month, and the phone calls are always very pleasant and VERY long. I know he isn't good for me, and he cause me a lot of pain, but he is still to this day (2 years later) always on my mind. there isn't one day I don't think about him. I dream about him 2-3 times a week.

I just can't seem to get "Sam" out of my mind despite all this. Why is this? How can I get him out of my head, and after all the terrible things that he has done to me, why would I continue to think about such a horrible person? PLEASE EXPLAIN!!..

Comments (5)

Your question was: I know he is toxic...........

You have been broken up for 2 years and you still think of him.  It can take some people in some cases years to get over a break up.  However, since you still maintain contact with him it is unlikely you will get over him any time soon.  In order to move on you need to discontinue contact with him.  In addition, talking to a counselor might be helpful in sorting out your feelings and any issues.  Before choosing a counselor you might want to find out what modality they use in their therapy and do some research and see if you feel comfortable with how they approach clients' problems.  For instance if one uses a Freudian approach and another prefers Rogers or Jung your problems and your psychological make up will be perceived differently to each of the counselors..thus a different diagnosis or recommendation...

Comment #1

<<I just can't seem to get "Sam" out of my mind despite all this. Why is this? How can I get him out of my head, and after all the terrible things that he has done to me, why would I continue to think about such a horrible person? PLEASE EXPLAIN!! >>.

The reason people maintain ties - either real or emotional - to people who are toxic to them is because they are getting something from it - good or bad - they still get something from it. If something is 'done' or 'finished' there is no need to revisit it or maintain contact with it - whatever 'it' may be - in your case 'it' is a relationship/person. .

You get something from the contact - yet to know what you are getting requires that you do some serious soul searching - what need are you trying to fill in yourself with this relationship? that of rescuer? is he a reminder or proof of your own unworthiness? Hon, people attract what they are - you are emotionally bound to a man who has anger issues, is manipulative, likely narcisistic, potentially violent, and who knows what else - all this ads up to someone who is deeply emotionally unwell - and all signs of having no self love or self respect. If he had these things, he wouldn't have these issues..

Now, the hard truth is - you attract this man and are attracted to him in some way - otherwise you'd have cut all ties long ago. What in you is angry, manipulative, without self love and self respect? Being these things doesn't mean you treat other people as this man does, you simply could treat yourself this way. HOn, it is hard to admit to ourselves the very real and ugly nature of our selves - but until you are willing to look within and do the work to change and correct your own emotional wounds, you will remain tied to this man.

When you heal your own scars, you grow and mature - and are naturally more emotionally stable. And you will want no part of people who are so negative and draining. YOu choose to remain tied to him - maybe the work required to heal and let go is more frightening than anything he ever did to you?.

YOu are holding onto poison - and the only reason you'd do that is because you are more afraid of letting it go than you are of the effects of it.....its like saying, I can stand this amount of poison on a routine basis because it doesn't hurt so much. Some poison kills you quickly, some takes longer - but poison in any amount limits your health. Emotional poison is just as deadly as any other - but people are willing to allow it because teh alternative - going through the healing process - scares them far more than the consequences of constant poisoning does.....

Facing your own fears and the ugliness that can be inside is veryhard and frightening - but when you do, you find a whole world of freedom.  I hope you will seek professional counseling to help you with this..

Toni.

Edited 9/18/2007 6:00 pm ET by tonitoons.

Toni..

Comment #2

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! No one has ever put it that way to me. I will def act on your advice. You don't know how releaved I am to know there is actually somthing I can do to fix this thanks again..

Comment #3

THANKS!!! I think I am def going to look into getting a therapist. I really don't want to think about him anymore, so something must be done!..

Comment #4

Good for you.  tonitoons does mention some important things to remember in life, however it doesnt always apply. For instance, if you get involved with someone like this guy repeatedly, then there is a pattern and then you need to look at yourself and see what it is about you that is repeatedly drawn to someone like him.  The whole "reflection" thing...there is an ounce of truth to it...some of the time.  But again, I dont see it as a steadfast rule that can be applied each time. .

The reason I mention all of this...is that because you got involved with an abusive type person...you need to be real careful that you dont take on another person's point of view about you. At this stage you are vulnerable to that.   That is why I suggested investigating the different treatment or therapy options so that you enter into a relationship (thru Match.com) with a therapist on an equal level and you are comfortable with their modality..otherwise you will be stuck in a situation where you will take on someone else's point of view about you and they can be very wrong. Therapists CAN be wrong. ..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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