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I just snook onto a match.com to see if I recognise anyone from my town (i'm bored)?

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My first question is: I just snook onto a match.com to see if I recognise anyone from my town (i'm bored)?.

My next question is: The man I have been with for the past four years has always had an issue with "family holidays". He came to one Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years ago. Last year, we spent Chritsmas alone and never went to my family. I mentioned the subject today and he said well I cannot be at four places at once. I have yet to meet his mother and says you will meet her soon. He said I care about us being together that is what matters, meaning christmas eve into christmas day.

He said well I would have to see my step mother and sister his half sister who he doesnt get along with. He said I dont get along wtih her but it's tradition that I go and since my father passed away I should go. I said I have no problem with telling my family I am spending the holiday with your family... I was so accommodating and he still said I dont want you to be there and it may be hostile. I said if it could be potentially that way why wouldnt you not want to come and be with my family? His mother and him dont have much of a relationship (thru Match.com) and he rarely sees her and has told me that she doesnt know much about my life and it's better that it's that way..

I said, IF you say I am so special to you and that we are going to be married, how do you think it makes me feel that our families are kept separate? Then he said why do you have to be difficult and leave on a sour note... I even went further to say why are so afraid? He was quiet on that one. He told me I love your family it is nothing against them.... HOW DO I GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND THAT IS SO HURTFUL? He is a grown man of 46 and I am 36 and I feel like he is operating on  pure emotion and fear....

Comments (4)

Your question was: I just snook onto a match.com to see if I recognise anyone from my town (i'm bored)?.

What this sounds like to me is that he has isolated himself from his family for whatever reasons.  He wants to isolate you from yours and keep you from meeting his.  Now there could be a few reasons.  #1. He is lying about his family and having you meet them would show you that.  #2.  Its a control issue, is he controlling in other ways?  #3.  He is really antisocial, do you have friends & friends as a couple?  Does he have friends?  #4.  He is afraid that your family may just see though his fascade, that he is controlling and wants to isolate you, and see him for what he really is.  #5.  He has no compassion for you..

None of the above is very complimentary but thats the way I read your post.  This problem is a real red flag.  You may want to really want to take a good hard look at your relationship..

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Comment #1

Yankee n sc responded really well to you, I agree with her possible assessments.My guy and I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) four years and our parents have never met, he spent two Thanksgivings at my place (because we live close to my family and very far from his family) but never Christmas. That will happen once we're married. So I don't think it's mandatory to spend holidays together until you're married.It does disturb me a little that he won't let you meet his mother, but you have to realize, if he is telling you that he's afraid of a hostile environment, he may very well be right. He knows them better than you do - unfortunately not all families are great, or even good, and some can't get along at all. I think that if you really want to be with this man you may need to sacrifice the traditional familial expectations for him. If you trust him and have no qualms with secrets or lying from him, then this is not a battle worth fighting.

If he were close with these family members then I'd say it's another story, but it doesn't sound as though they'll be making much of an impact once you're married...

Comment #2

Hello to Eggbert-.

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I have understood his issue with his family but why distance himself from mine and only be interested that we are together... I never pushed him being with my family it was only the last couple of years I thought it was the right thing to do... he does have a very guarded and strange relationship (thru Match.com) with his mom... I was so sensitive to his feelings nad really did try to get out of him what he is fearful of if anything; being in the company of my family,,, I hope it is not because it is something he didnt have... noones family is perfect but it is the way he responds to the subject he becomes very agitated and starts spewing names at me if I press the issue or try to "diplomatically" work something out. I feel like I should tell him if you want to be with your family for a few hours alone than I expect that you show up and be involved and spend some time with my family.

If he truly hs intentions of a marriage than if I dont see a change now I am only enabling him to not show me and my family the respect... and it shows that by not saying what I expect and want from him with this I am agreeing with him that it is not important.. I have more to go on with this... he had not met my father in person about four years ago when he asked me if my father could get him a TV... because my father had worked for Sony Electronics...

Would you say that it is a tad nervy... so he expects to receive and expected to receive and yet had an issue for a while about being in their company... he was only in one of my brothers company for a couple of hours for thanksgiving a few years ago and for two minutes saw my other brothers and that to him means he has met them... no real motivation or desire to be apart of my family and that does hurt me. He is choosing to go see his ill grandmother in ohio for thanksgiving with his son and told me it is something my son and I always did together...

Do you think he should have modified that tradition... I will never meet this woman but shoudnt be surprised I never met his own mother...

Comment #3

Yes, I believe it could be because a good family life is something he didn't have. You have to take this as an opportunity to look at the bigger picture with him, family does not mean a lot to him."he becomes very agitated and starts spewing names at me if I press the issue"I hope you don't mean he's calling YOU names. That's not the behavior of a great guy.It's not right to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do, even if it's the RIGHT thing to do under normal circumstances. Good partners make REQUESTS, they do not make DEMANDS - it is the difference between an equal partnership and a parent-child relationship. If this stuff is really important to you, all you can do is show him your feelings and hope that he responds well. If nothing changes, realize that it's not that you aren't getting through to him, he just doesn't want to change, and the relationship (thru Match.com) has become a "he'd be perfect EXCEPT..." and you need to decide whether that "EXCEPT" is something you can live with or not.

I think you've made your thoughts clear to him and now it may be time to decide whether this is the right relationship (thru Match.com) for you or not - family is a very very important issue...

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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