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I have a problem using the custom match feature on match.com, I need to find out what I may be doing

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My first question is: I have a problem using the custom match feature on match.com, I need to find out what I may be doing.

My next question is: OK, I met Jim (43) through work (I'm 25).  He was married at the time and I had a boyfriend.  But, two months ago, I was single and ran into him again (we don't work the same hours but work for the same company) and I really liked him!  I was single and he was finalizing his divorce.  We started to talk and hang out and now we're in a relationship (thru Match.com) together.  He has three kids with his 1st wife (two live in our city - one is 19 and lives alone, one 15 and lives with him, the youngest boy lives in FL with his 1st ex wife).  I've met the two here and get along well with the one who lives with him.  We've been hanging out every weekend and doing stuff with his daughter and I'm really falling for him!  He told me he wasn't ready to date using Match.com until now because his wife (it was his 3rd marriage) left him last November and he was pretty upset about it.  Well, I figured that was understandable.  He said he saw a therapist and worked through it.  He said it was hard but he made it through all the stages.  He also said that he only likes to date using Match.com one girl at a time and I told him that I like monogamous relationships too.  So we became boyfriend/girlfriend rather quickly.  We had previously agreed to take things slowly but he hasn't really doing that because he introduced me to his kids and we slept together, were monogamous, he made plans with me for September, November, and even Christmas already!  I figured it was because I must have been really special to him.

Well, last night I got an unpleasant surprise.  He was drinking wine (almost a whole bottle which I didn't realize at first) I told him I've been really happy since we started hanging out and that I really like him and his daughter.  I asked him what he wants.  Mistake!  He said he doesn't know, that he is still trying to find himself and figure out who he is.  He said that he thought his ex wife (the most previous) was his soul mate because he understood her so well and was almost "telepathic" with her.  He said he must have been wrong about what a soul mate is.  Then he went on and on about her.  I noticed in the time we've been together that he does talk about her quite a bit, which of course does bother me.  But we had talked about all this so I just figured it was because she left him and I know he has baggage, he was honest about that!  He said that he just likes to date using Match.com one woman at a time because that's what he likes.  I don't know why he brought that up but maybe it means that he's not just dating (online dating with Match.com) me because he wants to be with me or sees this going anywhere!  He pretty much said he doesn't know where he sees this going and he's just enjoying being with me.  Well, here I was falling in love and so happy that I was part of his life and being made a part of his family and he doesn't even see it as that serious it seems.  A few weeks ago he told me that he wouldn't introduce his daughters to "just anyone" and that he wasn't interested in dating anyone else until me because he's picky.  But maybe he did rush too much.  .

Well, I'm depressed because here we were getting along so well I thought maybe he'd think to himself that he had just been with the wrong women before but that I'm right for him.  Since he's been married three times I sort of figured a marriage wouldn't be out of the question.  He told me he might get married again but since he's retired from the military he now won't be rushing into relationships like he did in the army.  I figured he rushed and that's why they didn't work out.  He was stationed in other countries a lot and his wives were here alone. .

This is the first guy I've really "clicked" with in a long time and I guess maybe I was being led on a bit.  Maybe he doesn't know how to "take things slow..."  I thought our relationship (thru Match.com) was good until I heard about the telepathy with his ex and now I realize we don't have anything like that!  About three weeks ago I asked if he'd get back with his ex if she wanted to and he kind of avoided the question.  He said she hurt him so much he doesn't think he would be mad at her.  He also said he doesn't see her trying to get back with him.  Any advice would help, please!  Hopefully this all makes sense, if it doesn't just ask and I'll clarify.  I've only dated one divorced guy before but it was nothing like this!..

Comments (8)

Your question was: I have a problem using the custom match feature on match.com, I need to find out what I may be doing.

You question whether or not to continue to pursue the relationship (thru Match.com) because, after drinking a bottle of wine, he "confessed" and told you that he is still into his ex.  So you are looking for something more serious than he is willing to give.  You are interested in building a strong relationship.  But what he wants is to either get over his ex or get back with his ex.  Which leaves you stuck waiting it out while he pines away for someone else.  .

I think you should end this relationship.  However "great" a guy he is, he's not the one for you.  Get back out into the dating (online dating with Match.com) pool and look for find someone who is interested in you, focused on you, who will pine away for you if you break up.  (Maybe younger too; one of the advantages to younger men is that they have less baggage).  Please recognize some of what may be attaching you to him is instinctive  we're hard-wired to attach to someone we've had sex with.   Barring that, then put him to the test.  Take your relationship (thru Match.com) public.  Introduce him to co-workers or your friends as your "boy friend."   He will either jump ship or perhaps shift and show an interest in working it out with you. .

 ..

Comment #1

Well, actually I did introduce him to my friends and he made all these plans with me for future dates.  But I saw him today and he seemed really sad.  I asked him if he was stressed about our conversation and he said he must be...  He doesn't want to hang out with me tonight so I asked if he'd like to go to dinner tomorrow and he said "we'll see, tomorrow's another day."  What the heck!!  He did call me his girlfriend when he talked to someone he knew as well and everyone we work with knows we're a couple and he doesn't care about that.  This is where my confusion comes from....   He seemed sad today.  His divorce papers were delivered and he seemed a bit sad.  I asked how he felt and he said he felt relieved but I think he's sad.  This is hard...  I really liked him. ..

Comment #2

What's your hurry?  The ink on his divorce isn't even dry yet.  I think that after three failed marriages he's got to be wondering where his life is going and a lot of thinking about why these relationships aren't working.  Is he picking the wrong women over and over again, or is there some fundamental flaw with him that he is coming to terms with?  You say that he doesn't want to rush into relationships anymore - perhaps that is why he has been divorced three times, he marries women that he's infatuated with and later finds he's made a mistake..

If you want to continue with this guy, I think you need to understand that he's not going to be quite right for a while and not ready to jump right into a serious relationship (thru Match.com) - he'll be afraid he's about to make another mistake.  If you love this guy enough to be patient, then back off and be patient.  If not, then I would move on...

Comment #3

1. He was seperated not divorced (two totally different things) Divorce is hard it doesn't matter how good/bad the marriage was, most people need time to heal before being ready for a relationship.2. You have only been seeing him for 2 months, doesn't matter how long you knew each other through work that is totally different than dating (online dating with Match.com) someone.3. It wasn't a mistake that you asked him, you need to know, it might not have been what you wanted to hear but you needed to hear it. Please listen to him. He doesn't know what he wants right now and that is perfectly understandable.

Doesn't matter that he introduced you to his children, you had sex, agreed that you only dated one person at a time, nothing wrong with that but..He never said YOU were the one for him, the next one in line to marry him, the whole point of dating (online dating with Match.com) someone is to get to know them and how well you click...and you can't know that in 2 months time (especially since he wasn't even divorced and hasn't healed from it). He might have work on things from the seperation but not the divorce, he wasn't divorced until today.5. You work together, when things go south it can make it very difficult to get over because you do work together and have to see each other or hear about each other.6. There are two of you in this, he isn't the only one that "rushed" didn't take things slow, you were just as much a part of this as he was. I don't see where he led you on, he was up front with you it sounds like for the most part, and him only wanting to date using Match.com just one person at a time is fine but again you Assumed that meant the same thing to him as it did to you (future, marriage)..now you have found out that it doesn't.""Since he's been married three times I sort of figured a marriage wouldn't be out of the question.""That statement sounds like YOU are rushing things more so than him, you were expecting marriage (after him having three marriages that should make you think twice about wanting marriage with him) That is not a good track record.IMO you need to back off for a while let him heal from the divorce, get on with your life date using Match.com other people, and see how things are further down the road...

Comment #4

The three marriages would have sent me running..that's me though...

Rule of thumb I learned on these boards with regard to dating (online dating with Match.com) divorced "people"...they need have been divorced at least two years to work out their "stuff". Ending an LTR is like a death. You have to go thru a grieving process. I have found men more than women jump into new relationships too soon after a LTR breakup. Its a painkiller.

I have been friendly with a man for about six years now who has been physically/legally out of his marriage for over 9. He still has not moved on. He talks about his ex constantly (after 9 years!) and sees her daily. He is in some sort of relationship (thru Match.com) with a woman for over two years in which he has expressed, on more that one occasion, that he's really not into. I am just guessing here, but, he probably hasn't memo'd her in on that one. Even if he didn't say it verbally, I have two eyes and can see they are a mismatch.

He has made it known to me, over and over, he is attracted to me and enjoys my company. I adore him. Knowing this, I continue to turn him down. He's hasn't moved on from his marriage and is supposed to be in a "exclusive" relationship. He continues to to contact me to "hang out".

He's so confused. I just can't have someone like that in my life. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Its breaking my heart. I can't change him.

I want someone who is available NOW, not an FWB deal. Been there, done that..

I have learned SO much reading the posts on these boards over the years. Things I just didn't know about dating (online dating with Match.com) and relationships because I did not have good frame of reference. When I share what I have learned on here (and other sources) about relationships with others, sometimes I get people looking at me like I have two heads (especially my male buddies!). It truly amazes me how many people out there just don't know what is and is not acceptable in cultivating a relationship, red flags, etc. I was one of those people.

What do YOU want? Do want an exclusive BF or just something casual? This man has not moved on and is not ready for a real committment. Do you want someone now or are you willing to wait a few years for him to get it together?.

If I could turn back the clock, I would have cut off the man I am friendly with alot sooner. The longer you let something go, the harder it is to LET GO. I can only suggest, stop it before it starts and focus on what you REALLY want...someone who is  available..right NOW.

Prayers and positive thoughts..

Comment #5

I'm OK with waiting a few years, honestly...  I'm just about to turn 26 and I don't feel the need to get married RIGHT NOW or find someone to move in with.  I've been living alone for 3 years and I'm about to move in with a friend of mine and she wants a roommate with a 1 yr committment.  So if I am OK with moving slowly I don't know...  I really like this guy and I told him he can have his space and I understand that he is going through a lot.  He calls me his girlfriend and wants to plan things with me but he said he is still guarded as far as his emotions go.  I think I'll be OK if I hold out.  The problem is that he introduced me to his daughter and I really like her!  I really like hanging out with them both.  I don't want to have kids but I'd love to adopt an older child or eventually end up with someone who has a family.  I know that might sound weird...  Is this maybe something I should persue???  Maybe I like to hang out with people with problems because then I can help them solve theirs instead of focusing on my own......  But that's a whole other issue!..

Comment #6

IMO he jumped in to soon and is now trying to find a way out.  When a man tells you he is not ready, believe him.  There are red flags everywhere.  You need to let him have his space and you move on..

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Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #7

I am 36 and to me, I wouldn't date using Match.com a 43 who is going through a divorce- let alone a man who has gone through 3! This would make you the 4th wife- I wouldn't call him picky! Marriage to him doesn't sound very good- there would be 3 women before you who would probably tell you to RUN!.

You are 25- do you need to be with a man with kids almost as old as you? Do you need to be with a man with this many financial and time obligations (these kids from different mothers will require A LOT of his time)..

I will tell you this- I have met several women who dated men who were married several times before- everytime they thought they were special. They all would have been wife #4- one got a divorce, the other never made it to the alter- the guy got cold feet- about her kids..

Bottom line- this guy is probably into you because you are younger, sweet to him and have a lot less baggage (no kids around I am guessing and no ex husbands). Honey, you are 25 not 35 and not 45. At 25 you have more options availabe then you will at 35 or 45- don't waste it on some guy that has struck out three times at love. If he was divorced once- different story- but usually there is a reason that a guy is divorced 3 times at 43 as is man who at 45 has never married. Neither guy is usually an easy one to have a marriage with...

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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