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I dont want to puchase love through match.com / eharmony.com.i want to feel & after feeling i want t

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My first question is: I dont want to puchase love through match.com / eharmony.com.i want to feel & after feeling I want t.

My next question is: I know a lot of women can relate to Carrie in Sex and the City, but I feel like I'm living it!So my ex (Big) and I broke up a while ago.  He broke up with me because he felt like I wanted more (marriage...a future) and he wasn't ready for all that.  We had had an amazing relationship before that and I fell in love (for the first time ever...I'm 26)  I had a really hard time losing him and he has never really left the picture, mostly because he won't really let go either even when I try to.  We have had a sexual relationship (thru Match.com) on and off since.  Then recently I decided it was time to move on.  I went on a date using Match.com with this guy (Aiden).  He's handsome, sensistive, wholesome, family and marriage oriented, has a great job and lots of money.  There is absolutely NOTHING that I can find that's wrong with him.  He is what every woman wants.  So in my head I'm wondering, what is the problem?  There should be no contest!  But last night I went out with "Aiden" again.  He took me to a fancy restaurant, paid for everything.  We had great conversation.  We would appear to be a match made in heaven.  But something inside of me was not emotionally there.  All I could think about the whole night was "Big".  I'm so frustrated because I know that "Aiden" has everything to offer, yet it's not good enough.  My heart belongs to "Big" even though he can't give me everything "Aiden" can.  I am so confused because I don't know whether I should pursue something with "Aiden" just because he looks so good on paper, or if I should follow my heart and keep fighting for "Big". "Big" says that there is a potential for me and him in the future but that he needs to get his life together right now (especially financially).  He seems to want me to wait around, but I don't want to risk doing that and then not having him and I know me waiting would be a stupid thing to do.  On the other hand, I can't help what my heart wants.  So where do I go from here?   .

Edited 1/3/2009 8:24 pm ET by mnmn2620..

Comments (13)

Your question was: I dont want to puchase love through match.com / eharmony.com.i want to feel & after feeling I want t.

It sounds like your heart isn't open yet to anyone new since you haven't really moved on from your "Big".  Keeping in touch with him and having sex with him has kept you hooked in.  I can totally relate because I had a similar situation with my most recent ex (he also broke up with me supposedly because of his financial situation).  But I found out last week that despite what he told me about not being ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) with me or anyone and saying for almost a year that "we" were going to be fine once he got his act together, he's actually living with someone else!  That hurt like heck but it's also a gift because I am *finally* able to move on..

I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) all year but because my heart wasn't really open to someone new, I haven't met anyone who's potentially right for me.  Timing is a huge part of being right for someone elseand you and "Aiden" aren't right for each other right now because your heart isn't open.  Maybe once you've really moved on from Big, you will be right for each other but you have to make a firm decision and cut off all contact with him and take the time you need to really let go.  Until you do that, anyone you meet is just going to be a time-filler..

And maybe you're ok with thatif that's the case, I hope you don't end up wasting your time like I did..

Sheri..

Comment #1

If your ex is being upfront and honest and not leaving you in the dark, treating you respectfully, not putting himself in compromising positions and not rubbing anything in your face...then I can understand you wanting to give him time to get his act together.  I, on the other hand, have not been treated so nicely or respectfully by  a guy who also claims to need time.  I was treated just the way I mentioned in the first sentence - I got (and still am) no info - in the dark, etc, etc.  If the guy wanted me to just give him time...I would have had no problem with it - but he had to demean me in the process and treated me very horribly by trying to scare me into believing that I could lose his affections..

So...now that you see how a woman should NOT be treated (me)...your ex doesnt sound so bad...does he?..

Comment #2

Thank you girls for your feedback...Yeah my ex is amazing. He's a great guy and communicates very well. Unfortunately that also means he is brutally honest with me and with himself. Which means when he realized that he couldn't be with me he did not hesitate to tell me. He keeps telling me to be patient, but he also thinks it will take him several months to get himself together enough to a place where (in his words) he can "love myself enough to love you". I understand that because people always used to tell me you can't love someone else until you love yourself.

Honestly it doesn't bother me at all and I'd do anything to be with him. But I'm trying to see it from his perspective. My heart, because it is so wrapped up in him, is telling me to wait until he's ready. But my mind is telling me, what if he's never ready? And then I've passed up other opportunities. And that brings me back to "Aiden" again.

What is more important? Love or stability? And what if I'm just not giving the love part a chance with "Aiden" or maybe I'm not giving the stability part a chance with "Big". Can you tell I'm sooooo torn? This is eating me up because I don't know which to pursue and which to give up on, or whether I should stick with both or give up on both. So confusing!..

Comment #3

Just like on the show, it is not fair to Aiden if you're always thinking about Big.  And you don't want to get in a situation where you're secretly being friendly (even non-romantic) with your ex and keep it from Aiden.  Do you really need to be told that Aiden deserves someone who loves him, not just someone who is with him for "stability"?  Yikes.  That's pretty selfish. .

In my opinion, in real life, guys do not let a girl they love go, even if they are not doing so great.  If they let a girl go because they do not think they are good enough (and there's another thread on this board about this very topic!) then that's a big warning sign.  He'd stay in the relationship (thru Match.com) with me and appreciate and want my support through tough times.  If he doesn't think he is good enough, then he probably isn't.  And even if he was, I wouldnt want someone with such low confidence. .

 ..

Comment #4

YOu will get all kinds of responses to this. As I tell a good friend of mine often: you know what you know. My friend met a man about 3 years ago online. She later said she 'knew' when she met him. unfortuntately, he was just finalizing a divorce. They were together almost 8 months when he lost his job and that was the last straw - his marriage was emotionally abusive and this last 'failure' put him into a downward spiral.

She was devastated. There was pretty much no contact for almost a year. In the meantime, she tried dating (online dating with Match.com) again - her heart was never fully in it for a relationship, but she did go out and had fun. She lived her life but held to what she knew - sometimes it was very hard for her and she would get very depressed and distraught. then one day this summer, out of the blue, she got a rather odd message about nothing from him.

He is still recovering from the financial fallout of his divorce and custody battle and still hasn't found stable employment but he loves her and they are discussing marriage and a family. He isn't quite ready to take that step yet because of his unemployment situation but they are working together on a solution.So, I share this with you not to give false hope, but to say 'only YOU know what is true in your heart' and it matters not one bit what it looks like to the world. Men HAVE to be in a place that they feel they can 'protect and provide' literally and figuratively for their woman. We women don't always get the reasons why and try to dismiss it as unimportant. You can't - this goes to the heart of a man.

In the meantime, LIVE your life to the fullest and do the things that you want to do - and it's fine to date using Match.com other people. When you are truly living and enjoying your life - the only life you have is the one you have NOW - then what is meant for you will be available to you when it's the right time for all parties.this is my idea of 'waiting' - going about life and being happy with it as is. Accept whatever invitations interest you and find contentment in what you have now. Find contentment in what you don't have. Be grateful where you are..

Toni..

Comment #5

I can tell you are confused. .

If your ex is being real honest and upfront and not trying to hurt you...then maybe he is trying to leave the door open in case he does get his act together.  Frustrating...because it puts you in a situation where your heart is going to get yanked at from time to time by him - very difficult to date using Match.com and move on..

The whole thing with money and men confuses me - on the one hand they dont feel like a man if they are not financially stable and dont want to date....but then when financial hardship arises in a marriage they expect you to weather the times with them.  Sometimes I think they use whatever situation they want whichever way they want to get what they want at the moment...hehehe..

"Honestly it doesn't bother me at all and I'd do anything to be with him.".

Of course you would - that's what love is all about. As long as you see that he is fully emotionally presentin the relationship (thru Match.com) and does his share and..if he is young enough..gets backout there to make money..then what is the problem right? .

I even offered that ass who doesnt want to leave me alone money so that he could quit his job to be with me - his job is not conducive to having monogamous relationships.  He'd have to break his contracts and I was hoping to get enough money from some upcoming slander, defamation and unlawful detainment lawsuits to make up the difference inthe losses he would incur in quitting.  Of course, I dont know how much that would have been...and I have no idea how much I will be awarded in any of the lawsuits..so I could be totally talking out my ass...but I would have done what I could for him because 1) it is only fair if he would quit to be with me, 2) that is what love is about, 3) I'm totally selfish and I wanted him all to myself....hehehe.  BUT...instead of handling things the way your ex did (being upfront and communicating properly) ...he totally blindsided me and horribly hurt my heart.  At least your ex told you what was going on in his mind...mine kept me in the dark. I cant accept that treatment where love is concerned...so I moved on.  He wants it both ways and he cant have it both ways because having both ways only hurts me.  There are tons of women who would sleep with him, date using Match.com him, marry him...so no one should cry for him. I'm the one who is going to suffer short term with loneliness but I wont accept second rate treatment.  I am ignoring his messages - he still talks about me being his baby and that he wants to soothe away my pain...yadda yadda yadda...but he cant anymore - he went too far and treated me like a thing instead of a person with feelings. .

"As much as I don't have feelings for him right now, I'm afraid to give up someone who is so amazing.".

He may be amazing...but his brand of amazing isnt hitting your heart strings just quite right..

" What is more important? Love or stability?".

Having both occuring simultaneously is what you should aim for in romance and if neither man is providing both...then you may need to consider a different man from the two..

" And what if I'm just not giving the love part a chance with "Aiden" or maybe I'm not giving the stability part a chance with "Big". ".

If the ex is on your mind all the time...you will never be emotionally available for the new guy no matter how long you date using Match.com him or how wonderful he is as a person..

If you never saw the new guy ever again...how would you feel?  and how would you feel if you never saw the ex ever again?  Which hurts more?  I'm not saying you should wait for the ex...because he is not giving you a strong indication of how long he needs to get his act together. With an unknown amount of time..I'd say it is normal for you to get back out there and date..

How would your ex react to youdating someone new?..

Comment #6

I totally understand your dilemma- I was also involved in a Big and Aiden situation, where my Big was telling me to wait, he had to get things together... he was also a great guy. But what I ended up realizing was that while I was waiting on him,I was missing opportunities to be with guys who would give me the attention and time I deserved.By the way, I highly recommend this article called Marry Him (http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry)- sometimes the Aiden choice is the best choice in the long run- if you are thinking of marriage and children. Cause really , in the sex and the city movie, do you really beleive Big is going to be the husband and father Carrie wants? I personally have chosen my Aiden, because even though Big can be dramatic, wonderful and intense, in he long run the slow burn of the Aiden love is the best fit...

Comment #7

One of the things I disliked most about Big was he was always the most interested in Carrie when Carrie had another man in the picture. I also recall after Big said he was never going to marry again he promptly did, and it wasn't to Carrie. Does your Big know you are seeing someone else?..

Comment #8

<<  And that brings me back to "Aiden" again. As much as I don't have feelings for him right now, I'm afraid to give up someone who is so amazing. What is more important? Love or stability?  >>.

Ideally, both love and stability. .

There's a variable here that you don't yet know ... because you CANNOT yet know. And that is, can you possibly love "Aiden"?.

And one thing is for sure ... your heart won't ALLOW it so long as you're still semi-involved (even emotionally) with "Big" ... so long as you're still in touch with him. The problem is ... he's keeping you on a string ... reminding you that you guys have 'potential' if/when he's got his you-know-what-together.

IMO, that's selfish.  He should be man enough to let you go.  Otherwise, you WON'T be able to move on.   And utlimately, you need to allow yourself to be let go of.   You're really the only one holding yourself back.   "Big" isn't ... he's simply keeping the line the thrown out there ... it's you who is still choosing to hold onto it..

When you choose to let go of that line ... the rope ... you'll be able to pursue something with someone else.   But, right now ... you're not even ABLE to do that..

With your situation ... the biggest difference is that Carrie actually DID give Aiden a chance ... but, she screwed it up by hooking up with Big and having an affair on the side (and if I remember correctly, Big was married to Natasha at the time ... so there was an element of him not being 'available' ... so, she thought she wouldn't get sucked back in ... she was wrong). .

Also, it sounds like you've only dated your "Aiden" once (thus, far from being able to make any judgments about him specifically ... this guy could be ANY guy at this point) ... and your "Big" isn't married (far from it!).

Had Carrie NOT got back in touch with Big and not sabotaged it ... she and Aiden MIGHT have had a chance.   But, ultimately, it was Carrie's undoing because she didn't let Big go.  Carrie was not a good girl when it came to the "no contact" rule.  ;-).

Look ... there are no "sure things" in life.   But, one thing is certain ... you can't control "Big's" timing or readiness.  The only thing you can control is YOU.   Which means, you can control whether or not you hold on to that rope and continue allowing him to give you hope.    On the other hand, Aidan sounds like he's ready for the type of relationship (thru Match.com) you want.  IMO, if I were you ... I'd give "Aidan" a chance.  BUT ... you've GOT TO let go of "Big" in order for that to happen.    If you want to do what is within YOUR control ... you can put a "no contact" on "Big" and be upfront with "Aidan" about your current status (ie, that you're recently out of an on/off relationship) ...

That you need a bit of time to do some healing still ... well, if he still wants to date using Match.com you knowing that, then ... at least he's making an informed decision.

Good luck!!..

Comment #9

'..but he also thinks it will take him several months to get himself together enough to a place where (in his words) he can "love myself enough to love you". I understand that because people always used to tell me you can't love someone else until you love yourself'.

Sigh. I may be an old cynic but I'm yet to be proven wrong in both real life and even on this board. With all due respect in the world, this is just such bs. How many people are there in the world who really truly love themselves, not pretend to do so, not deceive themselves that they do so but truly do,  from within? None, I will bet. Yet  many of these people are in very happy r-ships. SATC is a fairy tale for grown ups where Big finally gets that it was Kerry he wanted all along and comes back to marry her.

I liked it...It is up to you what you do. My advise to you would be, even if you decide to half-ways give Big a chance, live your life anyway. date using Match.com Aiden and anyone else you like the look/sound of. Don't wait for Big. SHOULD your life turn out like a fairy tale and should he come back all enlightened when you happen to be single - blah blah, you know what I mean.

Edited 1/7/2009 12:25 pm ET by newlyfoundsunshine..

Comment #10

'..Men HAVE to be in a place that they feel they can 'protect and provide' literally and figuratively for their woman.'.

I am assuming you feel this way because this was your experience? That of several of your friends? This isn't the first time you've posted this particular sentiment...everytime I read it, I think: does she live on a different 'men planet'? I honestly have never in my entire 38 years met a man who would let A NY THING get in a way of a r-ship with a woman he truly genuienly wanted, and I've never heard of any woman I know come across one of those specimen either. On my planet, men  who happen to meet the woman of their dreams whilst not exactly being at their best on all important fronts stay with that woman and actively try to improve their circumstances whilst developing a r-ship with her.  .

Edited 1/7/2009 12:26 pm ET by newlyfoundsunshine..

Comment #11

Another planet? Hardly..

I'm just able to see shades of gray in life. There are very few absolutes in life.

Anyone can WANT something - but that doesn't make them READY to have it. What I do agree with you on is that when someone is READY they will indeed go get what they want.  No one runs without first walking even if they REALLY want to.

Edited 1/7/2009 1:22 pm ET by tonitoons.

Toni..

Comment #12

"With all due respect in the world, this is just such bs.".

I do agree with you. That is why I mentioned to the original poster that men say what they want whichever way they want to get what they want..

We are all in a state of perpetual growth. So..to deny a relationship (thru Match.com) because you are not where you want to be.. for reasons that one would just have to accept if one were married to that person anyway...is just an avoidance tactic.  On the other hand there are people who always have to get things just right to be able to do anything. Of course we want to do everything to the best of our abilities .. but interpersonal growth is one of those things that just keeps on coming...and never goes away. So...if the guy feels imperfect...well he is and will always be imperfect.  And there is another spin - if one is abusive because of baggage or just internal venom..then..yes..it would be best to leave the casualties to a minimum...

Comment #13


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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