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I am Jelous and need advice

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Recently my boyfreind took another girl to a concert after we had a fight. we have been known to have our battles and I will admitt that he did have two tickets to use and we were not speaking. This is a female that is a freind and I have met her before and I actually like her. It burns me to know that he took her - fun-loving and outgoing- and had a great time and I was not included. We have since made up and I have seemeingly put it behind us. He swares they are only friends and that he didn't want to not use the extra ticket he had- plus she's liek one of the guys.

I want to move past this, but I can't stop thinking what happens if I run into her in a social situation- I don't want to be immature due to my jealousy, but I can't turn off the way I feel in an instant. SOme wise advice would be appreciated...

Comments (7)

Your question was: I am Jelous and need advice.

If she is like one of the guys, why didn't he invite one of the guys? It is just as easy to pick up the phone and call a guy instead of a girl.Chances are that he was steamed about whatever it was that caused the two of you to not be a couple during that brief period of time and he needed some ego stroking by a woman. Purely selfish with no concern about you or her.If you are going to be angry with someone, be angry with him, not her. She has no loyalty to you since she is a "friend" of his. Don't be anything but gracious to her if you should run into her. IF...she decides to be catty and make you feel additional jealousy or hurt by rubbing the concert in your face, that is another matter that you will have to take up in private with her when the moment strikes. Don't let any woman slide who does that to you.

Yes, at the moment "ignore" her, but later, after you have cooled off, then make sure she knows that she can't play that with you. Do it calmly, matter of factly, but in a way that lets her know she played with the wrong person. By swallowing it...she yanks your positive personal power from you and you are left feeling horrible. She'll walk around all night strutting her stuff that she got another notch on her "nasty" post. I say all this because most men back away from their female "friends" giving their girlfriends a few smacks.

Most guys wont stand up for you when women do that to you, so you have to take care of yourself. Again, if it were me, I would put a guy "friend" in his place for trying to hurt someone I care about. And if he was truely a "friend" he wouldn't want to hurt someone I care about, so guess what? He's no friend.Turning off emotions in an instant doesn't work - you will feel emotions you must control how you are perceived. You will feel what you feel, the trick is to not convey what you feel. When you are angry, try this...look at yourself in the mirror and determine what is it about your face that screams "anger".

Yes, it is a mask. Yes, it can be perceived as "phoney" but....sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do to make it through this world in one piece. Since I don't like public scenes, this ability has proved helpful when I have been so pissed at men that I could have literally knocked them over and dragged them through broken glass back to the car and then...kick their butt. All it takes is one stupid move to disrespect me in public and I do lose my temper in a nanosecond (because I wouldn't do it to them)...it is just that no one sees it. In private I feel I can have whatever expressions I wish to have.

It also helps to calm down any angry feelings so that when I do speak to the ass of the moment I am alot calmer and conversations go much better. When men lose their tempers I will also leave the room for alot of reasons but after a while I have told men that when they are calm they can talk to me, but not until then...

Comment #1

So about the current situation....should this be something that I leave alone...We are past talking about it, he obviously knows how I feel about it. And we haev since been in good graces...so I feel that If I continue to talk about it then I am the fool and I look like the one with the problem. Plus she has a boyfriend, and he claims that he did ask a guy friend; however, he was unavailble that's how she came about they are all friends...

Comment #2

If everything is in "the past" and everyone is behaving nice towards each other...then yeah, leave it alone with him and her. Okay she has a boyfriend, that means nothing.But if this issue is sticking in your gut...then it is for a reason and you need to think about why it is still bothering you. It may have nothing to do with jealousy so don't beat yourself up. Your instincts may be telling you something about him as a person, not necessarily an affair. It may be that you didn't like the way in which he handled the situation. That in and of itself may be bugging you.

You may want to reflect upon this and determine whether your feelings are due to his behavior or all of the bad behaviors you have experienced with men. Sometimes these things accumulate if one doesn't deal with each hurt. When these things happen one's mind offers alot of negative self talk that can actually sabatoge your relationship (thru Match.com) and you wont notice until it is too late...

Comment #3

Thank you for you advice....it was much needed and surprisingly on point...you were perceptive in knowing that it was the way in which he handled it that bothered me and thus it makes me hesitant about future situations. He and I have worked through alot of rough patches...and trust me he has had his hands full with me..I'm 25 he is 44. And there is insecurity from the past that I am trying to work through. We are great when we are getting along...and I have been trying to work on my temper...he did say that he initially asked a guy freind, he couldn't go so it kind of happened through the loop. Anyway..sorry to babble it is just nice to get advice from an objective source ratehr than bugging my girlfriends all the time...

Comment #4

No need to apologize. Thanks for the compliment. It is amazing how if someone handles things the right way you feel all the love and admiration in the world and you feel protected, and when a person doesn't handle something right all of the insecure feelings about putting your life in their hands comes oozing out of you. I know this feeling because I lived it. Tell him to ask more than one guy friend next time, hehehehe. We all have our faults and the trick is to communicate so that the faults dont run the relationship (thru Match.com) into the ground.

But, since you were in a fight, maybe his brains wanted you to feel a little sting so that you would want him back. Men do the stupidest things sometimes to make a woman want them or want them back. It usually brings men so much grief you have to wonder about them sometimes. Women do it too, but I am not as familiar with that because I dont do it to men...

Comment #5

Hello. over the course of a few days I have been having more of a peace about the situation than I initially did. I guess the bigger search that this situation has tought me to conduct is to take a closer look at myself and why I am insecure. I really believe if it was not this scenario, then it would have been another something that would have made me mad. It really should not be up to him- or any guy- to make me feel secure. It really is a discovery and self-focusing issue that I should slove.

Now insecurity creeps into everyone at times, but I have always had an insecurity when it comes to men I date- or men in general- and other women. So I guess I am more directed toward a journey of trying to heal that part of me. Whether or not he stays or goes, I will still be here left to deal with those insecurites.Anythoughts from anyone who has been there, or who is going through the same thing? Please share- and thanks for lettign me vent; this is really thrapuetic...

Comment #6

I agree with you decision to focus on your insecurities or why maybe this other guy was able to leave you with this underlying feeling. Sometimes we replay messages from the past about things that were done to us or said to us and later on we discover that what the guy said or did has no real basis or he did it to control you or make you feel bad about yourself because HE has the insecurity problem.For instance, my first husband fell in love with another woman. If it wasn't that particular woman it would have been someone else. When I met my second ex husband I could tell he was different than my first husband in that department based on how he treated me when we were alone and/or out with others and/or with mixed company - and how he talked about women to me and to our friends. He never discussed women in a way that would lead me to believe that he couldn't control himself long enough to see me. He also made it a point (unlike alot of guys ) to never discuss how attractive another woman was to me in a pointed way - in that "oh wow, look how hot she is" kind of way - that lusty tone that says that you are chopped liver compared to this woman.

But some guys like knowing they are "one up" in the self esteem department. These guys you definitely don't want to date.I would never think to discuss how cute or handsome another guy was while watching tv to my BF. That is just plain mean. And it really undermines the ability to create trust. I never thought twice about ex husband number 2 cheating on me.

But I disagree with one thing you said...that the other party's behavior shouldn't count towards any insecurity on your part. If my second ex husband would have behaved differently, I probably would have had different feelings and I probably would not have married him. It CAN take two to create an insecure woman. I watched Dr. Phil one day and a guy's behavior did drive a once secure woman bonkers - to the point that she was counting his condoms and monitoring his whereabouts.

Phil didn't know why she was with him. He kept lying to her about seeing his ex, and so forth. His behavior did change her feelings about herself and changed her behavior.Your BF behavior was not appropriate for a man who wished to reconcile with his GF. You do need to believe that. By understanding that, you are being secure and confident.

Guys who do that are immature and do not put your feelings first in matters like these and will do it throughout the life of the relationship...

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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