I am getting divorced, how do I (eventually)meet new guys??? There are a lot of guys on

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My first question is: I am getting divorced, how do I (eventually)meet new guys??? There are a lot of guys on

My next question is: I'll try to make it short. I was best friends with and dated this guy on and off for more than 2 years. We became inseperable. I was at his house most days a week, even when we were "off". We slept in the same bed, hugged, gave forehead and cheek kisses (when we weren't dating), and were otherwise affectionate toward eachother. We went through a lot.

We helped eachother through everything and grew spiritually. Last year, his drinking became worse, though he was still functional, and he began to become interested in dating, and NOT me. Although at the time we were "off" I was heart broken to hear this. It was like he was MINE. We had even had discussions about how we were BOTH very dependent on eachother and would be jealous if the other dated someone.

Well, he met a girl he liked at work and began ignoring me for her. I literally felt crushed. We got in many fights in just one week over it. One night he had been drinking and talking to her on the phone in front of me while I sat alone on his couch. I finally broke down crying and yelling at him, and he was too drunk to argue back.

I got so upset but finally realized that the new way he was treating me wasnt ok and I had to end a friendship I had DESPERATELY tried to hold on to for a while. I told him I would be leaving for good if he made me leave and he mocked me. So I left, hyperventilated in my car on the freeway and sobbed uncontrollably to my dad on the phone in the middle of nowhere. After all that passed, months later, he got back in touch with me and I had mixed feelings. I loved him more than my heart could stand but I also knew we both werent healthy for eachother.

He now has a girlfriend and moved out of state. Not with her. He admits the relationship (thru is very unhealthy and it needs to end, but hes in love with her. My heart broke again when he said this. I literally feel like someone died.

I miss our friendship (when it was healthy) so bad that I feel desperate. A counselor once told me I was addicted to him. I dont know how to let him go emotionally. I pray. I let time go by.

Am I addicted to him? What do I do about it? I want it to stop so bad...

Comments (4)

Your question was: I am getting divorced, how do I (eventually)meet new guys??? There are a lot of guys on

You end an addiction to a man the same way you end an addition to drugs or alcohol  - you seek the help of an trained professional and take it day by day. if you aren't currently going to a counselor, GO. If you are, then he or she should be working with you to work thorugh this.

The reason anyone gets 'addicted' to soemthing or someone is because they see what they are addicted to as a release from their bad feelings. In being addicted to someone, you see him as THE source of love and happiness. Now - look at your 'relationship' - what you did was make him into a pseudo BF - you gave him carte blanche access to the place that should remain reserved for a man who deeply loves you - being on again/off again, sleeping together without sex, all teh things you describe are what people who are too afraid of REAL intimacy do - they fall in 'love' with someone that there is no risk of ever getting involved with because of ambivalence, distance, other involvements, addicitons, what have you.

He has an inimate relationship (thru with booze - therefore he is unavailable for real intimacy with you. You have an intimate relationship (thru with an alcoholic - therefore, no one else can have an intimate relationship (thru with you.

Like any addiction - you have to accept the fact that he is toxic. He is NOT the source of love or happiness - you are.  YOu keep looking to him to give you something and as long as you do that, you will not let go of him. Once you make the decidion that you do not need him to provide anything for you and you are in fact BETTER without him, you will let him go..

Hon, you hold on because you are more afraid of real intimacy and love. YOu see a psuedo BF who doesn't love you but is willing to take what benefits you give him as more agreeable than what the future may bring.  When you decide that YOU are happy regardless of who is in your life, then you will find him completely unappealing.

What in you craves being treated in such a disposable manner? What in you craves someone who doesn't love you? What in you craves the reality you find yourself in?.

Letting go is a CHOICE! you choose the crap that you've gotten or you chose to create the life you want..


Comment #1

You feel like someone died because a "life" did die - the life and the part of your life you shared with him.  You are grieving the loss of your emotions, lifestyle, happiness, sadness - all the things that were wrapped up in your life with him.  If he is a true alcoholic then a life with any woman is really out of the question for him because his addiction takes priority.  If you could get counseling on grief and allow yourself to go through the stages of grief you will find your way out of this.  Avoid contact with him, as he even sees that he cant be loyal or loving to any woman right now.  You cant pit yourself against another woman (because that isnt even the real issue) or even him or his priorities because his life has taken an unhappy turn and now his addiction will dictate his life...

Comment #2

Sounds like an addiction and/or an obsession..

The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard.

How to Get Over Your Breakup -

Relationship G....


Comment #3

This *almost* made me cry, because I SO feel your pain!  Although my friend and I never dated, we did a lot of the things you talk about.  We never had a horrible fight to end our "relationship" but a really crappy "talk."  We didn't speak for a month afterwards, then just spoke sporadically. .

But for the past 4.5 months, we haven't communicated at all.  It still kills me.  I know that I can function without himbecause I do.  In the time we've been apart, I've done a lot for ME.  I've begun re-inventing my appearance (working out/eating healthy, new clothes, haircut), I got into grad school to get my MBA and recently joined E-harmony to show the universe that I am willing to find the guy who IS for me.  But I still think of him every day.  Lately I've been dreaming about him at night.  I often wonder what the heck is wrong with me or if I will ever really let him go.  Most of the time, I THINK I still love him, but I'm not sure.  I think I loved us when we were at our best, when we were close and harmonious and enough for each other.  Yet I also realize that he was bad for me.  I've always been one of those people who "has no regrets because everything I've been through has made me who I am today."  But now I wish that I had never let him in the way that I did...that I had never settled for the "pseudo relationship"....I feel that it has literally crippled me. .

The funny thing isI actually had a boyfriend in between stages with my "friend"a boyfriend that I loved, that really made me forget about my friend.  A boyfriend that I thought I would marry.  I was devastated when he and I broke up the first time....then we were on and off for a little over a year.  So it's very odd to me that it was so much easier to get over the BOYFRIEND than my friendthe one who I never REALLY had a relationship (thru with. .

All of this is to say...I don't know what the answer is, but you are not alone.  Sometimes I feel the pain as if it happened yesterday, and other times I'm laughing and living life and just being wonderful ME.  I'm still working through it, and I think I still have a long way to go.  Deep down, I just feel like it's still unresolved and I am not at peace with the way things ended.  Give yourself a big hug, and don't beat yourself up.  You will need time...and there's no telling how much.  The best advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself...and stop communicating with this guy.  You can't clear your head with him aroundthat much I know..


S  ..

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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