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I am 35, a single mom. I need a date! And don't you dare suggest eHarmony or match.com!?

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My first question is: I am 35, a single mom. I need a date! And don't you dare suggest eHarmony or match.com!?.

My next question is: My long-distance boyfriend and I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) for a year.  We are in our 50's. He had been in a 5-year relationship (thru Match.com) (an affair as she was married) with a lady who works in another office that he has to visit with his job twice a month. She broke his heart and that ended the relationship.  Since all this her husband died and she "needs a man" she says. He says he won't go back because he is done with her. When he goes there he sees her on a professional business.  She continues to call him frequently. He only calls the office to talk to her coworkers, not her specifically.

He always takes her to lunch to discuss her personal problems - finances, child rearing, and her personal problems with the death of her spouse, family, etc. He finally told her about our relationship (thru Match.com) about two months ago. She was not happy to hear about us and even says she hates me, my name, etc. - really childish stuff.  When he talks about us, the conversation drops to the floor and she changes the subject. I trust him - not her.

Again, my boyfriend says he won't go back to her.  I have asked him not to take her to lunch. He says he won't drop her as a "friend" because she has no one to help her with her problems.  Do you think this is inappropriate behavior? Do other people still see their ex's for lunch, etc and do their dates see this as okay behavior?..

Comments (10)

Your question was: I am 35, a single mom. I need a date! And don't you dare suggest eHarmony or match.com!?.

Eek, this is a tough one.  I think ull get alot of varying opinions about this.  I actually think it sounds like he's being a good friend, which is a good quality of course.   You trust him, which is great.  I mean, the only reason you know all about what she's saying and so on is because he is the one telling you that he did have lunch with her as well as the content of their conversations.   .

If you tell him he cant be friends with her and he says he cant do that, then that's it.  You cant make someone do something they dont want to do.  I personally dont think it's inappropriate because to me, it is possible to be friends with an ex and be a good friend to them.  It is childish of her to say those things about you, but that is her issue, not yours.  You do not have to stoop to her level. .

Basically, it is up to you to decide whether you can live with this friendship of his OR if is a deal breaker. ..

Comment #1

He says he wont drop the friendship with her...drop him. This woman was disrepectful to her marriage and now she is to you. She is workin her way back in. Dont give him a choice but in some ways let him know your relationship (thru Match.com) will have some serious loss if the friendship continues. If someone  be it a friend or ex was dissin on my partner. they would be GONE. But then again I dont keep ex anythinga round...

Comment #2

Ok, sounds all too familiar. Mine was an ex-wife. He called her or she him several times a day, left our bed to help her with something, cancelled on me to help her with something, would take her shopping, everything. Well I tried to be a good sport about it, but trust me it gets really old. You guys may have a strong relationship (thru Match.com) and he may really show you he wants you not her but trust me IT WILL BOTHER YOU MORE AND MORE. Even though he may not see what she is doing, and may not even believe she is, but SHE IS TRYING TO UNDERMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

But thats just my scenario, hopefully yours will turn out different. Good luck.

Malificient..

Comment #3

His behavior is inappropriate. It doesnt matter who is in her life to fix things or not fix things - she should not be a concern to him any longer. The number 1 woman should be you. If he is still holding onto her for some reason then he gets something out of it personally  - meaning that she is not more important than you...HE is more important than you.  He should be cutting off all contact so that your relationship (thru Match.com) is not interefered with in any way and he learns to emotionally bond to you instead of her...

Comment #4

My question is how long has he been broken up with this lady (affair relationship) before getting together with you. What makes you better that he won't do the same with you? I am more concerned about his values in respecting a lady, if he respected the other lady he would not have had an affair. It's not over with him unless he decides it's over. You can tell someone they can't be friends with so and so. We are all adults and will chose who are friends are and make our own choices. I really think you should move on to someone who will respect women all the way around.



Anna.

 ..

Comment #5

His behavior is inappropriate. It doesnt matter who is in her life to fix things or not fix things - she should not be a concern to him any longer. The number 1 woman should be you. If he is still holding onto her for some reason then he gets something out of it personally  - meaning that she is not more important than you...HE is more important than you.  He should be cutting off all contact so that your relationship (thru Match.com) is not interefered with in any way and he learns to emotionally bond to you instead of her.

 .

Also, he is giving lifetimelover all these details to keep her anxious and off-balancethat he may choose the widow instead of her THAT is manipulative and inappropriate.  It is a tactic I have seen men use many timesat least the jerks and players will..

This guy sounds like bad news.  And that is not even considering he was playing around with a married woman...

Comment #6

I agree 100% with muire and sugarbaby_gal.  His behavior is totally inappropriate and disrespectful to you.  I had to learn that the hard way - you CANNOT help an ex who still has romantic feelings for you.  If I were you I would walk away and tell him to call you when he gets over being her help buddy.  If she needs help that badly then she should go to a therapist to work out her problems instead of dumping them on him.  He is only hurting you by doing this and is being very selfish and so is she.  Take control of who you are and what you want and DON'T settle for anything less.  There is no reason what-so-ever for you to tolerate being treated like this and you have every right to feel the way you do.     ..

Comment #7

Sorry but I would not have even become involved with him because he dated a married woman, his morals are in question.  I would definitely drop him now, he wants to be friends with someone who broke his heart?  I would not trust him for 1 second..

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #8

The inappropriate behaviour is his, not hers. Sorry, but she owes you nothing. I'm not saying that she's right in what she's doing, but she couldn't do it if he didn't allow it..

>>I trust him - not her. <<.

The thing is HE is your concern; she isn't. You don't have to trust her. I find often women like to blame other women for a man's behaviour. He can cut this nonsense out if he wanted to..

My concern is that you two are long-distance and he is doing all of this..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

 If you REALLY trust him, let him make his own decisions. You don't have to like them, just respect his choices. That is IF you really trust and respect him...

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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