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My question is: How to use free search on Match.com?.

My 2nd question is: I am dating (online dating with Match.com) this very thoughtful and unselfish man. He is kind and considerate and is always putting others first. He is very attached to his ex-girlfriend's daughter, who is about 10 years old. He has been in her life since birth and she is like a daughter to him, though she is not his biological daughter. She used to overnight at his house until this last year. He says there is nothing between himself and the mother of the 10 year old.There is something about his relationship (thru Match.com) with the little girl that just strikes me as very unusual.

I often believe that he will choose her over me if this became a question. I cannot seem to completely embrace this situation. It feels odd to me. But he loves her. Am I being selfish and picky?..

Comments (3)

Thank you for your response. about 1 year. There is no question he has fatherly feelings for her. HE knew when she was 3 years old that if he continued the close relationship (thru Match.com) with her and she developed an attachment for him as well as she grew that it could cause problems in another relationship. He also knew that slowly pulling back at that time would have returned it to a more uncle like relationship, but because of her age she would not have been so impacted. But if he pulled away when she was older, it would be harder for the child.

Also he had a great deal of difficulty in his relationship (thru Match.com) with the mother. According to him she was highly manipulative and devious and deceptive. For that matter she got pregnant while dating (online dating with Match.com) him and they were planning to marry. She lied and said that she was raped. She is from another country and did not have much family here.

When he finally found out he of course had to put her out of his house, but he then made the decision to stay in the child's life to a very fatherly extent while she was still very young. He thought he could have a positive influence in her life. Of course this also meant that he would have to be close to the mother as well. He understood that they came together. To this day, she is 10 now, himself and the mother go around about issues regarding raising the child as if they were married.

But the mother continues to allow and unusually high level of attachment to the point that up until the time the girl was 9 years old, she was often in the care of my boyfriend, overnighting with him, him baby sitting many times while the mother was off on a date using Match.com or whatever she is doing. To this day he still takes her to school sometimes, does homework with her, picks her up and spends many hours with her, taking her to the park, to shows, buys her gifts, everything like a divorced father. During the time that they were living together, the involvement with the mother caused him a lot of time consuming involvement to the point that he was not able to take care of his own personal life as he should have been. He had some financial difficulties that occurred as a result of him helping his father's business out while working a full time job himself. He ended up using money he should have paid to taxes to try to bail out his father, but the business went down any way.

Now some years later, though he has kept his good paying job, he is now at risk of losing that too if he does not attend to his certification. He made a choice while he had the mother and her child living with him that he would take care of them too in the middle of all of this. He wanted her to help him sort out his financial difficulties at the time, but he never felt that she did much to help him but he had to do so much to help her. His version of the story was that her presence in his life contributed to his further demise. During this time also he gave his life to Christ and was endeavoring to live a life of unselfishness and self-sacrifice.When I met him, I was drawn to him by his kindness and generosity and unselfishness.

He kept telling me his life was a disaster and he was praying for God to help him turn it around since he saw no way that he could turn it around himself. He believes that God has worked through his difficulties to humble his proud heart and make him the kind, loving person that he is today. While I agree that God works with our circumstances and our choices, I thought that he was missing the area that God was also allowing him to go through the consequences of his choices to teach him that he was doing too much to help others in ways that was destroying his own future usefulness and also not really helping the other person. Everyone he has helped did not need his level of help, and some have gone on to be alright while he has been left with a life in shambles, in debt, without his own home and indebted to the IRS, without certification for his job.I broke the relationship (thru Match.com) some months back because I thought it would be better for him to work on recognizing and changing these harmful patterns in his life, he was hurt, thinking I was not loyal to him and I had let him down somehow. I told him I could be a better support as a friend than as a girlfriend and that he was a wonderful person, but that I thought that at this time he was not yet ready to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) until he could straighten out some of these issues and remove them, especially when he runs a risk of someone not accepting all these things for their own life and then he gets very hurt when they walk away.

I decided to stand by him and see if we could work things out together. He recently made the decision to end the boyfriend, girlfriend relationship (thru Match.com) because 1. he needed time to work through my departure from the relationship, earlier this year, 2. my inability to fully accept the level of involvement he has with the little girl, (though I know she is the one bright spot in his life), 3. the fact that my statement that he was not yet ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) - was translated to mean that nobody would want him like he is; and 4.

He feels, that if I loved him, I should be able to accept him like he is without all of the information being shared. I guess my original question has more to do with the big picture I see of inappropriate boundaries. I am not planning to re-enter the relationship, I am just reflecting to see if I was being selfish in my view of the little girl. I never asked him to end his relationship (thru Match.com) with her, it just seemed that she took priority during times that he had to make a choice between me and her. I think I will stand by his decision to leave the relationship, there have been many struggles to over come..

Comment #1

Yes you are being selfish and picky. Blood doesnt make you a parent and guess what he is her father. She is a child. You are an adult. Suck it up that child needs him. What a blessing you have in your life to have such a man that would love a child this way.

There is nothing strange here. Remember she is a child and her life is in 2 different homes to loose this man in her life would be devistating to this CHILD!!!..

Comment #2

Thank you for your straightforward reply.you are correct about the child not knowing any different. Not only that, if I love this person, I really should permit him to do what makes him happy. Even if it means I am not included. Perhaps my question to myself should be, do I really know what love is and do I really love him, or just want him around me?..

Comment #3


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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