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How to nicely let it go with grace

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I was set up with a guy a several weeks ago. The person who arranged this thought his friend and I would make a terrific couple and definitely hit it off. He said this friend of his is one of his best buddies, a really good man with real goals, a good heart, someone who wants a commitment, all the right stuff. Anyway, at first his friend seemed to be right. We seemed to hit it off really well at first and we went out on a few dates, however, he went away on a business trip last week and pretty much stopped calling or emailing. I know he's getting back on Monday but if he calls I really would rather not go out with him again.

If he calls I really don't think I want to go out with him again depsite the fact that he told me he had a great time after our last date using Match.com and wants to go out again "soon". I gave him a chance but after the fifth date using Match.com I decided that I just don't want it anymore not only because of the things about him that bothered me but also because he dropped the ball, and disappearing on someone during the first month of dating (online dating with Match.com) is so uncool. It's become the straw the broke the camel's back in this case. I mean, doesn't he know at the age of 30 that just sending a girl a few text messages, just SOMETHING to show you remember her can redeem him even with a few faults? The thing is I think he's totally clueless and will call me next week asking to go out, thinking we're just going to pick up where we left off. While I don't care to date using Match.com him again, there's a reason I want to be careful with how I break it off.

This person is then bound to ask me what on earth happened (the last time we spoke was after my first date using Match.com with his friend and I thanked him for the great setup) and I know the guy I went out with is going to give him his own story, probably something along the lines of "the woman went nuts on me just because I never called her and now just dumped me over it, she's ridiculous." The reason I care what the friend who fixed me up thinks is because he's offered to fix me up with other guys he knows if this one didn't work out. I'd like to keep that sort of good contact because he's one of the few people I know with access to single men who want to meet women. He's known his friend longer than he's known me and I don't want the end of this date using Match.com to be the end of any more fix ups. I know this guy is going to press me for details and the reasons why I don't want to see his friend anymore who may still want to date using Match.com me. Of course I have no intention of badmouthing the guy I was fixed up with or getting into any sort of major character assassination, that would just be bad form, but he's probably going to defend the guy to me saying his friend didn't want to let this go just yet, had no idea I was upset, and, by the way, why I won't give his friend another chance? How can I come out of this without insulting his friend and still seem like a great woman who deserves another shot with another friend?..

Comments (9)

Your question was: How to nicely let it go with grace.

Just because he set you up does not mean he is entitled to details.  When you talk to him maintain your dignity and simply say, "I thought he was a nice guy, and I appreciate you setting me up. But it just didn't work." If he presses for details, tell him you prefer not to talk about it and it's not that you thought the setup was a bad guy it just wasn't working. And as long as you are dignified when you break it off with the setup, it does't matter what the setup says to your friend about why it didn't work..

 ..

Comment #1

Wow. Sorry, but this was a really long post for someone you just dated a few times. You are overreacting, IMO. The other person is right, your friend is not entitled to details whatsoever. It's no one's business but yours. And also, why so desperate to be set up by this friend?? You'll meet someone wherever. You don't need them, jeez.....

Comment #2

I wish it was so easy to meet someone anywhere. I live in a city with more women than men and this was the first date using Match.com I've had in almost two years. My single friends and I are all on the same boat. Decent-looking, kind-hearted, smart, successful women who can't find dates to save our lives. We try everything the bar scene, adult ed classes, internet, you name it, we even work in fields with an even ratio of men to women but nothing has worked out for any of us. So unfortunately, when I do meet someone willing to fix me up with men my age who are seeking commitment, I hope to hold on to that connection.

It was so simple to meet men and then, something happened. I moved to a big city with a lousy dating (online dating with Match.com) scene and entered my 30s...

Comment #3

I've had this happen before - a mutual friend set us up thinking 'this is it!" and it was anything but. In my case nothing was ever said again by the mutual friend - but generally, when you DON'T talk about someone or something, it's a pretty clear indicator that there is nothing to talk about. Even so, your friend is not entitled to details at all and if s/he 'should' ask, all you need to say is 'he seemed very nice but it just didn't work' and refuse to offer anything more than that. As for the setup - IF he calls you just say 'Thanks but this isn't working for me - good luck" and offer nothing else. There is no need to make a mountain out of a molehill - and that is what going out with somene a few times is in the grand scheme of things - just a molehill. I think you are getting way ahead of yourself about things here and making more of it than it needs to be.

THAT is letting it go nicely and with grace..

Toni..

Comment #4

Well, I'm not sure I can totally relate because our ages are so different, but I can understand how it might be sort of ominous being in your 30s and without a partner. But really, I mean, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I feel like I've said this so many times on this message board, and it sounds so blah, but if you just live your life for you, love will find you anyway. I met my fiance at a city monument. Another boyfriend I met through our animal rights group. Another I met at Spring Break when I was with my girlfriends.

I was just having fun and living my life and joining and doing things *I* was interested in...

Comment #5

Well, I can relate. dating (online dating with Match.com) in your 30's is a world away from dating (online dating with Match.com) in your 20's. And it is precisely because of the situation iv_sunnygirl describes that I am so reluctant to ever let anyone set me up on a date...you end up almost feeling like you owe that person an explanation if things don't work out...

Comment #6

IMO, there's nothing "desperate" about being set up with someone. It doesn't mean that you think they can't find someone on their own, or that fate will never smile upon them.I have one friend in her 30's whom my exbf and I introduced to a friend (they both "happened" to be at our house for a party) and they're getting married next summer.The other is in her late 20's and was set up on a blind date using Match.com by another friend. This was about a year and a half ago and they're getting married in 3 weeks.So to Scorpio and Halle - don't knock the "set ups"! ;-)..

Comment #7

Who's "knocking" them?? I merely said that "I" was reluctant to let someone set me up because "I" would feel obligated to explain if things didn't work out. That being said, I would only let someone I knew fairly well set me up, which is probably why I would feel obliged to explain anything...

Comment #8

Just say that there was no compatibility. You can say, he was nice, but that you didn't feel the attraction or pull.It will get you off the hook...

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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