The last serious relationship (thru Match.com) I had before this one, we said "I love you" after three weeks and I kind of regret it because it really ruined things. In my current, which is now going on five years, we waited more than six months to say it.You may be falling for him but you can't expect someone to be ready so incredibly quickly. Most people couldn't say that to you after three weeks and really mean it, because we associate "love" with knowing one another inside and out and having been there for each other through thick and thin. It's a BIG commitment, and to expect someone to say it so early on is to me indicative of insecurity. I understand what it's like to lose a loved one and have to start over (my once-fiance was killed in a car accident), but every relationship (thru Match.com) needs to have a beginning - Where the focus is on getting to know one another, not on expressing feelings - Or it will not last. If you rush love, you will lose it.Don't force him outside of his comfort zone or he will not feel good about you anymore, and when you stop feeling good about someone so early into a relationship, it makes you want to leave.
Kimmy, if you want my honest opinion, if I were this guy I would probably block your number. Sorry to be harsh but you need a serious wake-up call about how he's perceiving you. You're coming on so strongly in "I desperately want to be in an instant relationship" mode and he's freaking. If you don't stop, you'll lose this guy, as you would most guys. I am positive that you don't want him to say "I love you" just to make you happy when he doesn't mean it yet.
I will mention the "kids" talk - A lot of people bring up this subject early on because it's a big deal-breaker and getting a feel for things by talking about it theoretically helps weed out good vs. bad potential partners.Don't give him the letter. There's absolutely no good way for him to take or respond to it. And let him be the next one to bring up "love", you've made your point and he knows how you feel but now you need to wait a few more months for him to catch up. Remember that you are pushing him away in your attempts to be closer...
"You may be falling for him but you can't expect someone to be ready so incredibly quickly.".
In my opinion, if it's not too quick to be intimate, it's definitely not too quick to say "I love you.".
".It's a big commitment.".
And having sex isn't?.
"Where the focus is on getting to know one another, not on expressing feelings ...".
If you have to be afraid of expressing your feelings, you definitely should NOT be sleeping with the person yet..
"kimmy, if you want my honest opinion, if I were this guy I would probably block your number. Sorry to be harsh but you need a serious wake-up call about how he's perceiving you.".
I would have to disagree with this, because again, he was quick enough to jump into bed with her, and could certainly anticipate some expectations from her...
Why are you picking apart my post? My opinions belong to me alone, you're judging my opinions based on who you are as a person but the problem with the OP is that she and her boyfriend don't see things the same way. Why do you and I need to care about our opinions when it's not important that you and I see eye to eye? I'm trying to give her (not you) some of his perspective, a perspective he has shown very clearly. I'm not sure what impact you're trying to make coming in here and telling me that in your ideal world sex and love should be the same commitment, as though trying to change my mind will help the OP's boyfriend fall in love with her (you won't, and it won't).I think you are so blinded by your own feelings you're not realizing that this situation is simply because the OP's guy doesn't feel the same way as both you and our original poster, and he's entitled to be a different person.Get off my back now and start helping someone...
First of all, I am so sorry about your fiance....
Second, my bf and I have been together for coming up to 5.5 years now, living together for almost 4 of those, and are incredibly happy together. I'm not sure if it's got to do with age or what kind of life/romantic (or is it traumatic lol) experiences we've had (we're 39 and 42).. would you believe me if I told you that we've only 'officially' said ' I love you' to each other last summer?.
I'm not an 'i l u' person, if that makes sense. I don't need to hear someone say that he loves me - I need to see evidence of it every day and I certainly saw that in our r-ship. He'd been joking around asking me 'do you love me' for ages and I used to, for the first 3-4 years say: 'of course not, a nuisance like you?? I'm just a charitable person and put up with you out of kindness' and we would laugh like mad. Then towards the end of 4th years I started replying: 'you want me to say that I love you? - you say it first', again more as a joke than anything serious. Took him 5 years, but he finally said it lol. I know in my heart and based on his actions and our life together that he's known and felt it for a long longer. He just took his time saying it!.
Words are cheap. At 3 months, you don't even know a person anywhere well enough to know if you love them. Anyone, at the very beginning of a r-ship, can SAY just about anything. 'I love you. I want to be with you forever. I want us to have 2 children and call them 'name' and 'name'.
B*****s to all of that. It's words and words mean precisely nothing. What would you prefer? To develop a great r-ship and have him, after 2 happy years, say 'I l u', or have him say 'I l u' tomorrow and break up with you 6 months later?.
I can tell you one thing for sure: if I'd said it to my bf at 3 months - not that I ever would as I'm old, scared and cynical lol - he'd have been waaaaaay less than impressed. He'd probably even laugh it off. He'd feel pressured - he wouldn't have liked it at all...
Anyone can say I love you, they are just words, until the actions back that up. You tell someone you love them because you mean it and that is what your are feeling, and that should be said without expecting them to say it back right away.You actually barely know this guy, months on internet & phone doesn't count (you get a false sense of knowing them). You have formally met in person for only 3 weeks, it takes time to get to know someone and if they are the one for you, that takes in person time together.If someone told me they were in love me after only 3 weeks, I would run the other way, to me that sounds desperate. Also just because someone loves you doesn't mean you are the "One" for them. You can care about someone, enjoy sex with them, like being around them but not want them for a life long partner....if that doesn't jive with what you want/think then it is best to find someone that does think like you.From you post it sounds like he is not where you are at right now, which is perfectly fine for now at this early stage. "I freaked out mildly, attempting to read between the lines."That is where most women go wrong, attempting to read between the lines...Most guys are pretty straight forward in what they say, but a lot of times that doesn't jive with what the female thinks it should be, we ignore what they are saying and we start assuming, when the guy actually meant just what he said.Give the guy some time...
First off, when it comes to I love you's ... I would definately wait for the guy to say it first....but you didn't... and that's okay... you said what you needed to say... now, don't get your feathers all ruffled because he has not said it back... he's not feeling it that's why..
I live by a mantra and that is:.
Love without expectations... so don't expect him to feel the way you do. That's really unfair to him. And don't push him on this because you'll come off as needy and have him running for the hills..
Take it slowly, enjoy it for what it is... and remember, don't have expectations... you'll only end up disappointed; kinda like you are now. Sorry, but I definately wouldn't have said it first... patience is a virtue especially when it comes to love..
"I'm pissed, confused, worried. He's sending definate vibes about our future: me waiting for him while he's in Iraq and how he's worried he'll hurt me by being away or ... not coming back; and he talks about kids someday with me. I let him call the shots when it comes to when and how often we hang out and he wants to often and never wants me to leave. Not to mention I'm looking for a new apartment and he keeps trying to get me to move to his city."Do your best to get over these things. Actions speak louder than words and his actions seem to say he wants to be with you.
I said it before he did, prepared for the consequences; if it scared him off, so be it. But it didn't. He giggled the first time (god it was cute) and the rest of the time he would acknowledge it in some way but never reciprocated. Yet, he showed me by how he treated me that he loved me. It took HIM 3 years to finally say it, and now that he's gotten over whatever hump he needed to get over, he tells me almost every time we talk! It's great! So have patience.
Freaking out about it and being angry are things that will only create a rift between the two of you; plus, it's a waste of energy that you could spend on having more fun and loving times together. If it bothers you too much for him not to say it back, then don't say it to him for awhile. That's ok, too.Good luck!.
***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..
Thanks for your replies everyone. Youve been really helpful. And you guys are right, his actions do say that he really wants to be with me..
I saw him tonight and we made progress subconsciously. We laughed, we had fun, he finally admitted that he misses me a lot. He let on that he has plans to take me on a trip to meet his mom soon because he told her about me and she's ecstatic. He told me 'good luck' dealing with him when he's got PTSD and an alcoholic when he gets back from Iraq (bad joke for most, I know... I think thats how he gets by) so that tells me he has somewhat vague plans I'll still be in his life at the end of 2012. So I've settled.
My one problem is there are key parts in the day where it's extremely hard for me to not just say 'I love you'. Like, after we have sex, when we're cuddling, when he makes a really good joke, or when we're just sitting in the car staring at each other. It wants to come out naturally but I stop myself and am depressed for a minute or two after. But I don't want to push him away because it just seems like he doesn't even want to know I do. I guess I live with it for awhile?..
"It wants to come out naturally but I stop myself and am depressed for a minute or two after. But I don't want to push him away because it just seems like he doesn't even want to know I do. I guess I live with it for awhile?"This is a personal issue, sounds like. Why do you get depressed???? What's wrapped up in that? You might want to try and change those tapes, and when you are thinking it, instead of having this internal drama "I can't tell him I love him and it makes me said and I'm pushing him away", change it to something like...oh...shall we say...."I love you." Think it. Enjoy the feeling. Don't be afraid to say it SOMETIMES, but just think it at him most of the time.
It is just self-censoring.
***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..
Why are you allowed to have an opinion, and I'm not? I agree my opinions are based on who I am as a person, just as yours are, and I do have a tendency to express them rather strongly! They are also based on years of doing things a certain way and observing people who were doing things differently and getting results I wanted. I do understand that "right" and "wrong" are subjective and I can't push my values onto anybody else, but please understand that my opinions are based on my life and what I have learned so far, as yours are. We don't necessarily have to have the same opinion. I also agree that I tend to see things in an idealistic, perfectionist kind of way, I guess wishing life were that way, all the while realizing it isn't always..
It does seem odd to me to share the deepest and most intimate part of yourself with someone, and then be afraid to express any feelings towards them and feel sadness about having to hold back, like she is. Can you at least understand my viewpoint on that?.
And I certainly can be wrong it wouldn't be the first (or probably last) time! The outcome of a relationship (thru Match.com) usually cannot be predicted. Maybe this guy is just a "slow starter" and this could end in a "happily ever after." I certainly do wish both of them the best..
I never said anything even close to "I'm allowed to have an opinion and you're not". You're trying to change the opinion/mind of someone who isn't involved in the situation at all. There's no point in telling me I'm wrong when this is a very subjective issue and the person who you REALLY think is wrong (the OP's boyfriend for not being able to say ILU as soon as he's ready to have sex) isn't even reading this..
Can I see your point of view from an idealist's perspective? Sure, absolutely, it would be really swell if he were in love with her. But because I'm a realist, I come here to try to get people to understand their partner's perspective and give them tangible ways to change their situation and their mind if it will help. You're 100% entitled to your opinions and of course you're not wrong, but that's your life and while your idealism may be similar to the OP's, I'm trying to give a perspective on her boyfriend and what he is perceiving because I understand his particular way of thinking..
Sometimes I think I need to go find a messageboard for guys...
You sound young.Okay...here is my take. Women tend to get so serious so fast...when really, the beginning time is meant to be fun and a chance to get to know him.He is "exploring" a relationship (thru Match.com) with you. To inject such serious emotions (and saying "I love you" means commitment to many) during a very fragile time of relationship (thru Match.com) is going to stress it. Why? Because if one comes on strong and the other doesn't feel it, it's very awkward for the one who doesn't feel it yet. What once seemed fun and intriguing becomes something full of pressure and guilt...this can easily break up a promising relationship.My advice to you is STOP!!! Don't make the "I love you" the be all and end all. Right now your focus is on getting to know the person and seeing if he can be a friend even, enjoying yourself and get more experience in dating (online dating with Match.com) and relationship.
They know it takes time to really love someone. They also know that to say those words means a lot...so they wait until they mean it. This bf of yours seems very down to earth...he is exploring what it is to be with you while you are making wedding plans!Do you see? It's so much more fun to be lighter and breezier...seriously! Just be easy now and listen and watch. You need to find out if he's the one for you, too.In the meantime, come to the ground. Don't get needy, clingy or desperate to hear those words.
Newlyfoundsunshine...I totally enjoyed your story.I love the humor and lightness in your relationship. Very witty, too! Love the "nuisance".I am 42 and in a new relationship...so around your age.I am like you...I am not an "I love you" person...but I like to feel it and show it. That is what matters to me, not to be told it everyday. Besides, if we heard it everyday it could easily get boring and humdrum.Those moments don't come all the time, so I savor and pull out the "I love you" when it's very natural and spontaneous.Thanks for sharing. The young one's need to learn from us..
". There's no point in telling me I'm wrong.".
I never said that, either. .
Nonetheless, no harm, no foul. I wasn't intending it to be a personal attack against you. We were both simply expressing our differing opionins on the matter...