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My 2nd question is: This is my first post, and I apologize for the bitterness.I am uncertain as to whether or not this is the place for this, but I am so frustrated. I just have to get it out somewhere.I'm a 33 year old female. I'm educated, very attractive, and I take good care of myself. It's been 20 years, and I have never been with someone I have had feelings for.I am using 13 as a starting board. I was not an awkward teen. I was friendly, pretty, and sweet.

I was the pretty girl who was always home alone wishing on Friday nights. I was involved with my church. I had crushes on PLENTY of the guys. I was about 17. These guys were a little older, 19 -21.

We'd go to dinner, movies....but that's where it stopped. Even at 18, the guys would all want to take me out, but no one ever wanted to hold my hand or kiss me. NO ONE wanted me.I'm an actress, and at 19, I began to work as a theme park performer in a theme park show. I developed a crush on a 24 year old performer. He was my first "real" kiss.

Kissing was as far as I was willing to go. Nothing dramatic, we just went our separate ways. Between the ages of 19-24, I had lots of dates. Unfortunately, the guys were only after sex. I was not willing to give that until I felt secure in an actual relationship.

I went for dating (online dating with experience.Because this is SO long, I won't go into all of my failed crushes, but there were MANY. Men I like DO NOT want me. My heart was crushed so many times. You can't imagine.At 23, I developed VERY strong feelings for my 34 year old, single boss. He'd take me out to dinner and movies a few times a week, but never held my hand or wanted to touch me.

He was the first person to get me really drunk. Thankfully, he had his hands off policy. It hurt me though. I felt led on. Shortly after, at 24, I started dating (online dating with a 31 year old that I had casually dated on and off since I was 19.

He was VERY nice, and I was so sick of men only wanting me for sex, so I decided to just go with it. Early into our relationship, he had to relocate due to his job. We kept our relationship (thru going long distance. He would come visit me, or fly me to see him. He was the first man to tell me he loved me.

He accepted it. I wasn't in love with him. I didn't want my first time to be with someone I felt no passion for. He didn't know how I felt deep down. I DID love him, just not in the same way he loved me.

We decided to move in together. I felt so trapped. We had a gorgeous home built, and I moved in. He let me have anything I wanted. I was basically playing house.

Then we were in. He never asked me to cook or clean. I did have a job outside the home. We lived together for 5 months and slept in the same bed, yet I still had not had sex with him. One day I just decided "oh to hell with it.

This is my life now, and it could be a lot worse" So, at 25, I gave him my virginity. It was fine. We had a healthy sex life. We pretty much wound up doing it every night to make up for lost time. The only bad thing is that I'd only want to do it after dark because I didn't want to look at his face.

We had a very large, walk in closet. On weekend afternoons if he wanted it, I'd insist on doing it on the floor in the closet. I pretended like it was some sort of weird fetish. This went on for awhile. I was acting in a musical, and rehearsals went until late in the night.

He also had issues with the fact that sometimes I needed a girl's night with my friends. He wanted me home when he was home. Of course, this started many fights. He became VERY controlling and mean. He started pushing for marriage, but I was unsure.

I was not in love. I'd look at him from across the dinner table and wish he was someone else. In discussing marriage, we agreed to a childless marriage. He had no desire for children. I did, but not with him.

Our relationship (thru was pretty cold. We fought, he'd want sex, then the next day, I was allowed to shop for shoes and clothes. (we were very stable financially and he would use it to control me. My parents are wealthy, and he knew I was used to a certain way of life)We decided to get engaged. Things got even WORSE.

I had never been on any type of birth control. I was hosting a kid's TV show at the time, and didn't want to risk gaining weight. We'd always used condoms. We started having problems with them. They'd break.

He'd "get so carried away that he'd forget to put one on" This man who previously said no to children was trying to get me pregnant to trap me. I found myself at Planned Parenthood a few times to get Plan B. Thankfully, a pregnancy was not in my cards.I started spending social time with people from the set. My boyfriend was treating me horribly, and for some reason I developed feelings for my stage manager. One night, my boyfriend and I had a huge blow up in front of my stage manager, and my boyfriend left to go home.

I had a crush on this guy, so I went. We started drinking, one thing led to another, and I slept with him. It was interesting. I wanted some light in the room, I wanted to look at him, and I wanted to hold him and kiss him. It was the first time I had ever been able to be held by someone I was attracted to.

He did say if he ever found out I had cheated on him that he'd hate me forever. (I am pretty sure he already hated me)The last month got pretty bad. We had two major blow outs, and he put his hands on me for the first time. He shook me, pushed me, knocked me to the floor, wrenched my arm, so I moved out. We broke up.

I wanted him back. I had never cared for this man in that way, and all of the sudden, I wanted him back. We started seeing one another, and like a fool, I cried and begged for him, but he refused to take me back. To this day, I don't know WHAT possessed me to beg like that. That man abused me.

I still had stuff in the house. I didn't have the emotional strength to get it. He called me about a month and a half later. He had a new girlfriend. She was younger than me, but not too pretty.

Although, she was kind of plain, lol)We spoke for 8 hours. I never told him I cheated, but everything else came out. I felt better. We was ok with everything I told him. He also said he still loved me.The stage manager called me because he knew I was single.

We took a break. While we were on that break, my best girlfriend decided she liked all the nice things I said about him. She went behind my back and betrayed me. She told him I blamed him for the break up of my relationship. I lost both of them.What did I do? Well, my best friend left her fiancee to go after my stage manager.

I went from no sex to lots of sex. That next year, I just had sex with guys. The worst part is that I wasn't attracted to ANY of them. I'd get drunk, do it, then want to cry. OH, and my ex boyfriend continued to call me once a month.

I got it a year later. I waited until they were out of town. This ended the phone calls.I finally decided on a second boyfriend. He was also older. A real estate attorney.

I hated sex with him. I hated kissing him. I don't know why I dated him. He never knew how I really felt.Shorty after, I met my 3rd boyfriend. He is 16 years older.

He isn't ugly, but he turns my stomach. He was so sweet, and I didn't want to hurt him. I just stayed with him. Sex was horrid. Kissing was horrid.

We decided to take a break for awhile.I met my 4th boyfriend. I was 28? I think. He was 24. I was extremely attracted to him. I wanted him.

I wanted to kiss him. He cheated on me. (I busted him in a great way, lol) I broke up with him. Two months later, he called me back, apologizing and begging me to take him back. I did.

I could not BELIEVE I had finally found someone I wanted. Months later, I found out I was HIS other woman. He had more than one apartment. One with his girlfriend, and a secret one. He admitted to never loving me.

I was really hurt, but I guess I deserved it? I did cheat once out of the desperation of an abusive relationship, and I was guilty of dating (online dating with men I was not in love with. Although, I tried to never be hurtful to them.I went back to boyfriend number 3. I tried. I really did. He was so wonderful to me, but I just never felt anything.

I said I really just wanted him as a friend.At 30, I met up with someone from my school days. Someone who was also 30. We started dating. I wasn't attracted to him, but he was fun. UNTIL, his manic depression took over.

We're still friends.I met a guy we'll call Ted. I liked Ted. Ted was 28. I was still 30. Ted made me smile.

I would get butterflies when Ted would text me. I decided not to rush into sex with Ted. We never did. Out of nowhere, Ted acted repulsed at kissing me. He went from not wanting to keep his hands off me to repulsion.

I was completely confused and hurt. I called him one night. I had to know. He told me he wasn't repulsed. He said I was too pretty and had too many friends.

I will always be afraid that you're out cheating on me. I will never feel comfortable with you. A month later, he moved to another state for a girl he met online.I was devastated. I just stopped looking at men. I took a year off.

I had a mutual friend who had been interested in me for about 3 years. We were finally both single at the same time. He was 34. I was attracted to him. It was a bust.

Well, unless he was drunk, and it was after 2am. I actually let him come in a few times when he called. Then I started feeling pretty miserable about it, and started saying no. The calls stopped.A crush I had when I was 20 started calling again. He was professing love.

My hopes always shattered.It's been almost 2 years, and no sex or men for me. (by choice) It's hard for me to find men my own age. I'll give my number out, and find out the guy is 23. I look youthful, and I tend to attract men in their low 20's. I don't mind a friendship, but I don't have the heart to try.

I avoided places I thought he'd be. I started going to a club, and I saw his friends there. They said hi. I contemplated not going back, but why should I have to stop going out? the next weekend, I saw my ex there. I left, so I don't think he saw me.

I was there with my date, and my ex showed up. He didn't say hello.Also, I have been plagued by dreams of him. I want them to stop. We're always getting back together. This man was ABUSIVE! Why am I having these dreams?Recently, I did find someone I like.

He is a friend of a friend, and he lives in another state. We play an online game together, and since November, we have played and talked to each other every night. We kind of make our plans around that time. And it's not always the game. He told me if we didn't play the game, then we could find something else to do together.

He remembers every little thing I tell him. Always calls to see how my day was. He is planning on coming to see to spend some time here. He has mentioned us both moving somewhere together. It's not like me, but I have grown emotionally attached to him.

This happened a few nights ago, and it DEVASTATED me. Yes, I realize it wasn't a relationship. I am realistic, but I was open to the possibility if we're ever living in the same city. I never let him know I was having these thoughts. He kind of threw the dating (online dating with thing in there, and it was totally off topic.

We're pretty open. He said our age difference is too much. He's 27. He said he has accomplished nothing, and he'd prefer to date using a woman who also hasn't accomplished much. YET, he won't date using anyone younger than 27.

His last girlfriend was 3 years ago. He isn't that attractive. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me? Our chemistry has been amazing. I don't understand. We're still talking.

I feel SO bad. This man has been SO good to me. He would do anything for me. He is always there for me. No man has ever been so good to me, but I don't feel the same.

He keeps waiting for me. He knows I don't want that kind of relationship (thru with him. I love him so much as a friend, so I have been very honest. Do I want too much? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? I just want to feel attracted to the man I am dating. I know that fades eventually, but I wish I could start with it.

Yes, I cheated ONCE years ago. Am I still being punished for that? Am I being punished for dating (online dating with men I didn't love? I have sworn off men for years. I would think maybe that would be penance enough? I am older. I understand more about how people feel. I have unbelievable guilt.

All of my relatives have someone. I am the single one. No one pushes me, but it's embarrassing. I laugh to myself. The thought of ME showing up at a family wedding is laughable! Like ANY guy I'm attracted to, would WANT to go with me? I missed my chance at marriage.

Never. the thought of a guy who I am interested in, actually thinking about ME in non sexual way before he goes to bed makes me laugh so hard that my sides hurt! I used to be very self confident. I've lost that. I'm beaten. There is no man for me out there.

It's like a fairy tale wish.Sorry to come here and type this novel. I just feel so hurt. Why can't I have someone? He doesn't have to rich or gorgeous. I just want to be able to look at him.I know I sound nuts, and maybe at this point I am? I never had anything traumatic happen in my childhood. I have a great relationship (thru with my family.Rejection for the past 20 years has NOT been fun.

I'd be ok if I had it and eventually it failed. I just want SO badly to know what love and passion are like. I just want a guy who I want to kiss and love, one who will love me back. Even if it fails eventually, that's ok. I can accept that.

Edited 5/4/2009 5:36 pm ET by eve_harrington..

Comments (7)

I have never read a post as long as yours...and I have to admit that I skipped some parts (I got the gist). I had to respond because you took the time to type such a lengthy post and no one else responded so far. "Rejection for the past 20 years has NOT been fun."This could be because you put yourself in situations where you are likely to get rejected. I don't have much experience with this, but it's a guess. While reading your post, I got the feeling that you hang out with the wrong kinds of people, and instead of learning from your continue to go and repeat them all over again. Why?Your self esteem seems very poor.

Did you ever think about taking the time to talk to a therapist/psychologist? You need to do something positive for yourself! After reading your post I am so sick of hearing about guys! Haha, stay away from them for awhile until you learn to pick the good ones.Jen..

Comment #1

Your post is way too long.  I tried to read the whole thing, but skipped to the end. .

You need to think about all the relationships in your life, find the trend, find the mistakes you made, *and dont repeat them*..

It sounds like you dont know exactly what you want in a man and in a relationship.  You need to figure that out for yourself as well. ..

Comment #2

Good Grief!! Living with someone you don't love, or even really like, is a great way to keep real relationship (thru potential at bay. You can't find anyone better if you're with the wrong guy. Sounds like you settled, just to not be alone. When being alone isn't all that bad sometimes. Sounds like low self esteem. You rather be with the wrong man than be alone.

Look at the choices, controlling, a cheater, a manic, lazy & unmotivated man. (we were very stable financially and he would use it to control me. My parents are wealthy, and he knew I was used to a certain way of life)<<< You let him control you. Being used to a way of life has nothing to do with it. >>>>He said he has accomplished nothing, and he'd prefer to date using a woman who also hasn't accomplished much.

He hasn't had a date using in years. His last girlfriend was 3 years ago. He isn't that attractive. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me? Our chemistry has been amazing. I don't understand.

I'm just going to not think about that conversation, but also not think about chemistry or interest.>>>> He's unmotivated & wants a girl who won't be "better: than him. Ooo hott! DO think about it. DO act in your best interest, & don't try to date using a guy you don't have any feelings for. Don't put your head in the sand again. Same with Ted, he doesn't think well of himself, so NEXT! him.

I know that fades eventually, but I wish I could start with it. Every man I have had a taste of it with has not really cared. Yes, I cheated ONCE years ago. Am I still being punished for that? Am I being punished for dating (online dating with men I didn't love? I have sworn off men for years. I would think maybe that would be penance enough? I am older.

I have unbelievable guilt. <<< In the end, I'm thinking you don't have enough standards. You let the guys lead everything. If they want to go out, you go along, with out having to make any real decisions for yourself. Guilt has no purpose, stop dragging it around with you.

That won't keep a relationship (thru going. What else do you bring to the relationship (thru bargaining table.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha..

Comment #3

Oh, dear.  I can totally relate to what you're saying!  I haven't had as bad of luck as you in past relationships, but I hate that I am 36 still single and can't seem to find a date, let alone a boyfriend or husband.  I am attractive and successful and I have a ton of trouble with men.  That whole 'only the guys I don't want want me' thing is very familiar to me so I feel your pain.  I've had a few relationships die simply because I wasn't 'into' the guy sexually.  Meanwhile, every guy I am into that way seems to reject me.  I think our plight is not all that uncommon and I am curious to know what causes this fate for some of us..

Do seek therapy if you haven't.  I've been doing that for about a year and a half now.  It isn't getting me any closer to 'Mr. Right', but at least I am getting a handle on what I've done right and wrong in the past.  I'm experiencing a bit of a relapse into hopelessness right now because the last crush I had rejected me and I'm facing up to that now.  I look through pages of online dating (online dating with profiles and all I can say is 'meh!'  I'm looking for another one of him and he just isn't there.  I'm just not into the idea of dating (online dating with at all right now, and I want to recognize that and grant myself a break from seeking a 'mate' but I am getting older, and though I don't want children I fear that I have an expiration date..

I don't mean to bring you down with my story.  I wish I had an answer for you.  Just take some time to look at yourself and your behavior, through therapy, or whatever means you can, and you may begin to free yourself from this trap.  We are still young and we owe to ourselves to seek happiness before it's too late.  Don't give up hope and don't settle!  That's not what life and love are all about!..

Comment #4

Your post was so long I did not read all of it.  My dear you are jumping from one relationship (thru into another.  In other words from the frying pan into the fire.  Stop dating (online dating with for a while, allow yourself to heal from these broken relationships.  From your post you come off as very desperate.  Take time out to have fun just for you, learn about you, do things with family and gf's, work, vounteer.  If you dont do this you will keep repeating the same mistakes.  Once you have gone through this grieving/healing process both your heart and head will know you are ready to start dating (online dating with again.  You will know what you want and dont want and will not allow yourself to be used by any man.  It will take a while maybe a year or more, but it will be well worth it.  No man is worth lowering your moral standards for.  Take them back and I wish you the best..



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Comment #5

The main reason you aren't going to find true love is because YOU don't LOVE yourself. If you did you wouldn't jump from one to the other, just to not be alone and repeating the patterns as you go...that is the definition of insanity.All these bad relationships have one common denominator..and that is you. Work on the mistakes you have made in the past, don't repeat them, make yourself and your life happy first, before looking for someone else. If you don't love/respect yourself, no one else is going to...

Comment #6

Eve.   I read the whole post.  I enjoyed your story and got some intuitive "hits" or feelings when I read your post..

I am not feeling the same thing as the other posters.  When I was reading, I thought "what an interesting charasmatic woman".  I didn't see low self-esteem but just a woman who is perplexed and confused at her luck in finding love..

I really enjoyed the "pluck" I felt in your personality while reading this.  I enjoyed reading your trying this and that and being human.  I really enjoyed it all.  Your post reads like a really interesting biography.  You can be proud of that!  At least your life is interesting!.

My feeling in reading your story is we all have a path in life.  I am thinking your path is your special lesson/destiny to work out. .

It doesn't mean to give up, however.  You always keep trying.  Your story maybe one that you find love later in life.  There are many who do and it's OK. .

I have "issues" in life that don't seem to go away, at least not easily.  My issues are different from yours because I have different lessons to learn.  We are meant to have them and learn something...I think the best attitude to take is "I am willing to learn whatever it is to learn" so you can quickly move past any bad luck and have a new turn of events..

You seem very lively and likeable.  It's cool you are into musical theatre.  Forgive any mistakes you may have were just trying tomake life work.  Keep being you and I think you'll figure things out..


Comment #7

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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