I disagree with Christie on the timing - you want to know this well before you talk about being exclusive - youve already gotten attached at that point. It usually happens early on when you ask each other what you are looking for long tern - IN GENERAL (not with YOU) and thats likely in the first few dates or thereabouts. No - you don't blurt it out if it hasn't come up - that is being presumptuous. But in the natural flow of getting to know each other, there is usually some kind of "What are you looking for?" conversation. That is when you bring it up..
A good reply would be "I love kids but can't have my own so I definitely am considering other options" (if this is true). Don't assume that your not being able to be a biological mother knocks you out of the game for men who want children. It can for some - but not all.
The point is - you have to communicate this openly and honestly early on - before attachments get in the way. And if this didn't work for him, then he isn't right for you - and by learning this early on, you save both of you unnecessary heartache..
Edited 3/19/2008 9:16 am ET by tonitoons.
Since you know that he wants kids then you should tell him that you are unable to have children of your own before it goes much further. tonitoons gave some suggestions on how to deliver it that are worth considering...
Thanks for the input.We have been seeing each other since the beginning of January - so 2 and a half months. I need to bring it up soon because I am really starting to like him and would hate to fall more for him then have the heartache of a breakup.He has asked to be exclusive, but we haven;t had that "what are you looking for" conversation.Should I just bring it up?I really like him and would rather have him in my life as a friend, than nothing at all. If we kept dating (online dating with Match.com) and broke up over this issue just because we didn't discuss it earlier, it's unlikely we could be friends...
Wow. 2 months and you don't know what he is looking for? Hon, this is just general stuff that you find out when you first start dating, like: what are your goals in life? where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you want to live? What kind of person do you see yourself marrying? etc. and it usually happens within the first weeks in natural conversations. did you not ever have any kind of exchanges where you found out that he wanted to get married and have kids or move across the country or whatnot?.
Here is a link to a good overview of having hte talk. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1&x=y.
And for future reference, knowing someone's deal breakers needs to come early for the reason you have stated: I am really starting to like him and would hate to fall more for him then have the heartache of a breakup..
Its like buying something that you can't return without first knowing as much as you can as to it's rightness for your use. You need to know now whether or not this is a dealbreaker for him - ASAP..
If you can 'sleep' with the guy, you should be able to talk about this with him. I am not saying you have to, but it should not be taboo. General health discussions would be a good entry for the disclosure. My late thirty something male friends do like to know this information as if prevents wasting his time and yours...
It looks as though you will have to bring up the subject of kids with him. Good luck..
I checked out tonitoons' link and while I do not agree that this is an exact blueprint everyone should follow I liked this section:.
"There are three questions I believe need to be asked at this point in a relationship..
What does a serious relationship (thru Match.com) and marriage mean to you?.
What do you need to have accomplished in your life BEFORE you commit to a serious relationship (thru Match.com) and/or marriage?.
What other goals and priorities do you have for your life over the next 1 to 5 years?".
You and your BF need to be on the same page in terms of defining the expectations, roles and terms of your relationship (thru Match.com) or marriage. It is real important to find out if there is some goal in life that he has not achieved by now so that you can see if you'll end up being one of those women who sit there confused about why she didnt know that he still needed to see the world before commiting to him. Many men dont admit it but they do have an idea of what they want to do over the next few years - make sure that your life and his life seem to go together...
It's not first date using Match.com conversation, true but it shouldn't come too far after... or he'll feel you've been keeping important secrets... and he'll be right. It's best for you as well to let him kjnow, and this doesn't mean other options couldnt lead to the two of you being parents. It might not be a deal breaker at all.
Ugh.I went out with him last night and said that I needed to talk to him. I said that since we had been seeing each other, I have really gotten to like him and that I was not sure where we were going. He's never really explained what his intentions are (is he just having a good time? is he hoping to meet someone to settle down with?). The only reason I knew that he wanted kids was because he talked about "someday" which he made sound very far away, and not like he was looking to meet the person he would have these kids with quite yet.So, I asked him what his thoughts were and he said that he was "in this for the long haul." I was shocked, actually. Probably because most of my past relationships have been with guys who are around for a good time, not a long time.So, I told him about my condition. He said that it wasn't a deal breaker at that very moment, but that he'd need sometime to think about it to be sure.
So, he's off thinking and I am sitting here waiting. I think we were both just going along and NEITHER of us asked questions about goals, future, intentions, etc. So if he thinks I omitted something important, we never really had the opportunity to have that kind of conversation. And he hasn't spilled his guts about himself (and I haven't asked)Lesson learned, I suppose. I just do not know how to do this dating (online dating with Match.com) stuff..
<,Lesson learned, I suppose. I just do not know how to do this dating (online dating with Match.com) stuff. Why doesn't anyone teach it? Or, do they?>..
This is less a lesson in dating (online dating with Match.com) as it is in being real. When you are being fully open and honest with who you are and what you want, you tend to relate things to other peopel in a way that gives them the info they need to decide what is best for themselves. What you did was allow your own fear and self doubt cloud your judgement - why? Are you afraid that not being able to be a biological mother makes you damaged in some way? You aren't. Why are you ashamed of this situation? You could just have easily been in a reverse situation where he was the one unable to have kids and you wanted them - how do you think you would have reacted? How would you have felt if he waited until you were very attached to tell you the truth?.
The point you need to get is - you are who and what you are. And that will be great for some and not for others. All you can do is give a fair representation of who you are and want you want - when you do that - it is FAR more likely that you will get it all the quicker. Its when you hide things that make the path long and difficult.
You can't change what you can't change - like your age, height, race, etc - don't be ashamed of the things you can't change - the right man won't mind at all.
Always be real with people.
Dating (online dating with Match.com) is a personal thing. What would work for one person may not work for another person. Everyone has their own style and way of communicating. It is encouraging that he is in it "for the long haul". I'm sure that you must me very anxious just sitting there waiting. Since there is nothing you can do about it, you might want to distract yourself so the time passes..
You are better off being honest earlier about yourself than waiting until later. I'm sure he respects your honesty...