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My 2nd question is: Alright. I need advice. For about five years now, I have been involved with a young man, who needless to say, has become a huge part of my life emotionally. I'm so confused about our relationship, and could go on forever analyzing the details of it, but I won't. The question I want to ask is whether or not this man sounds like someone who is genuinely interested. Or, is he a master-manipulator that has me wrapped around his little finger :s.

For the sake of being concise, I'm going to do this point-form style; the pros and the cons of this relationship (thru :.

Pro's :.

He contacts me, all the time (normally during the day, but sometimes during the wee hours of the morning when he can't sleep.) Just to talk. Sometimes, if he isn't busy, he'll call 4, 5, 6 times a day. He responds to texts quickly.

He insinuates often that I am the woman he will settle down with, have children with, *when he is ready*. He often talks about what our relationship (thru *will be like* when we commit, and he says he'll never hurt me... (is he just doing this to keep me hopeful?) (...and single?).

Whenever he is in the neighborhood, he will drop by and spend time with me. Regardless of whether or not he is with friends.

He makes excuses to come by, like he's hungry and needs food ... (but in reality, the far distance between us is an illogical distance to drive for food, considering travel time and gas money...).

He's rather secretive - though he does disclose some things to me, and allows himself to be vulnerable with me at times.

(He says) that I'm the only woman who he's invited into his home.

He communicates really well with my parents (I live with them).

He makes an effort to come to my performances.

We cuddle We've kissed (goodbye kisses sometimes too...*sigh*).

He understands me very well. We spend pretty good time together doing nothing at all.

He became irritated and upset when I got into another relationship. Would often say that the guy was a loser (which he was) and that I should be with him instead. (Though when I became single again, no talk of a commitment...).


Cons :.

He hasn't asked to be with me exclusively. Even though he knows it's what I want. And he avoids the discussion. It's been 5 years! If he really cared about me, isn't it high time now that he make the move? Is he just waiting around for sex?.

He's very good looking, and has slept with many women.

Though he's always been around, our relationship (thru has changed throughout the past 5 years, from us talking very regularly and me being very comfy with him, to him not taking me so seriously and me being fed up with his attitude.

It is not a secret that he wants to have sex with me. He doesn't pressure me, or try to force himself on me at all, probably because he knows I'm not ready. But he does test me. It's definitely on his mind, and he brings it up now and then.

He doesn't really invite me out to movies or to eat, things like that. (It's not that I genuinely want to go out - I don't, and he doesn't need to impress me. But I've recently come out of a relationship (thru where my ex never wanted to be seen out with me, and I think I'm just a bit wary...) .

He's asked me to be his girlfriend twice... both times when he was drunk (lol... is this a pro?)..

I'm just really concerned about how emotionally involved I'm getting. Given the amount of effort he's putting in to be a part of my day to day life, I feel as though I'm becoming emotionally committed to him. And I'm fearful that this is his plan! Would a man put in all of this effort just for sex? Is he actually interested, does he see a future with me, even though he's not ready for commitment now? Or is he just toying with me because he knows that he can? Our relationship (thru has been like this for 5 years, and I really really... really like him. I know he's young (we're 22), and he still has a lot of "living" to do... I don't even know how good a job he would do in a commitment right now, and I always did imagine that if we became serious it would happen when we were a bit older...

And he isn't making any moves. Does that make sense?.

I know you all aren't psychics... but if any of this has made any kind of sense to you, would you mind offering me a piece of advice? *Thanks so much in advance, and for reading right through*..

Comments (14)

After five YEARS with this guy, you actually have to write down "we kiss and cuddle" as a pro to sticking with someone who can't even talk about only dating (online dating with you? You don't have to be a psychic to understand that this is not a relationship (thru and never will be. He says a lot of things just to keep you around, and the sad part is, they work.Here's what you've determined: This guy will probably always be in your life if this crap is really what you want, never getting a straight answer and never being able to really expect anything of him. As long as he has no obligations and nothing to live up to, he'll stick around. But if you ever want anything more, you'll find nothing but disappointment.Read the book, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It may help you...

Comment #1

Mahoganybliss, my intent is not to hurt you... The worst part of your situation is that it can be described as the title of the book - Too good to leave, but too bad to stay. We usually have to feel quite a bit of pain from a relationship (thru we're emotionally attached to in order to feel compelled to leave. I think you already know that if you stay with him, you will keep getting what you've always been getting. One of the saddest traits we women have is believing men when they say "I'll change... someday" and instead of looking at the relationship (thru for what it is in the present, we hold out hope that they'll make good on false promises...

Comment #2

Mpt sure why you havent asked him if it's exclusive or not??? Honestly if you arent happy walk away..

Comment #3

Hmmm... I think that I may not have been clear (this is not only directed to you bitemex5, but to future posters as well.).

I know that we aren't exclusive, so I wouldn't ask this. We aren't dating. I wouldn't even loosely call this a romantic relationship. I know that the cuddling and the few kisses that we've shared is considered intimacy, and probably not a good idea considering that I have feelings for him, but with that aside, we are friends. We don't really flirt... yes, we speak often, but our conversations are casual, like those you would have with your best girlfriend... our friends couldn't know that there is potentially anything deeper going on with us....

This is a friendship, not a relationship. He isn't really "getting" anything from me more than some of my time. I was just asking whether it is realistic for me to believe that he could be seriously interested in something more with me....

... I think this is all beyond the point though. I know what I have to do, and that is to ask him for us to respect the boundaries of our relationship (thru before I get hurt.


Comment #4

I think he needs to respect your boundies and keep his comments to himself about the guys you date using even if they are loosers. He may see it but you have to figure that out on your own. If you have feelings for him and you are just friends...trellhim how you feel...or you can keep guessing weather or not it might go some where if in deed that is what you are wanting, he needs to know as well as maybe you need to tell him. if in deed you like him more than a friend. My friend told me and I told him I like you as a friend and we are still friends today...

Comment #5

He is manipulating the situation to his advantage and you are not asking for anything more from him.  Based on what you posted - playing the wait and see approach isnt going to get you what you want.  You need to tell him that you want to be taken out on real dates and that his actions and words need to match for you to feel trust - and .. he needs to be honest with you .. what is he exactly looking for from a relationship (thru right now? is it a casual situation or something more, etc...

Comment #6

Agree.  This is ridiculous..

Edited 9/14/2009 4:48 am ET by theresereno..

Comment #7

Your OP and the post later are saying 2 different things.What I will say is that if after 5 YEARS,if the guy hasn't expressed his feelings,there probably arent any.You are wasting your time.Emotional attachment is the most difficult thing to let go.He probably understands that and is using it to his advantage.You want a guy who sleeps around??..

Comment #8

Yes, thanks, you are right by saying that playing the wait and see game is hopeless. I'm not too sure why I haven't had the guts to open up about my feelings to him, maybe I'm concerned about scaring him away completely. I just want to understand what he thinks of me... only one way to find out, right?.


Comment #9

I don't see where my original post is different from the latter. I came here for advice, it wouldn't make sense for me *lie* in order to hear what I wanted. Maybe because I didn't qualify it as a friendship in the first post? This is what I should have further implied; I was trying to keep it concise. .

And the fact that he's had a lot of sexual partners is on the cons list for a reason. I never said it was a dealbreaker though.

In all honesty, I appreciate all of your answers, but I think you're missing something. I'm seeing a lot of BOLDED *5 years* followed by some comment telling me to leave him alone. Yes, I may have feelings for him, and yes, a commitment would be great lol. But this person is still my friend. I don't want to walk away from the friendship we have, he knows me almost as well as my best girlfriend of 16 years does. I'm also pretty close with his family. Unlike men lol - I'm willing to forgo a deeper relationship (thru with him in order to preserve our friendship. Even when I consider what we might be like as a couple, one of my hugest concerns is that the attempt may fail and our former friendship would be in jeopardy. Like I said, I understand that we need to respect the boundaries of our relationship (thru more, and I need to enfore it to prevent myself from getting hurt.


I just couldn't understand why a man would put in all this effort to get nothing but my time (yes, he's interested in sex, but I reiterate, he isn't getting it and he knows it! He's knows I'm not that type of woman, I just don't do casual sex). To just have me on the phone, to say nothing important at all? Everyday? (Did I mention that I never call?) I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm resisting your advice, it is completely appreciated that you've taken the time out to offer advice to a complete stranger. And I've been wrong before, so I just may be delusional. I just don't want you to miss the longevity of our relationship (thru or undermind the real friendship that actually exists here, becauses he's done nothing to derserve being cut out of my life completely.   ..

Comment #10

The guy knows you well in 5 years and is aware that you dont sleep around ( while he does).Its the thrill of having someone who is kinda 'pure'( lack of proper word for someone who doesnt sleep around).it could be the driving force.Go on a serious date.come back and tell this guy that you really had a good time and see future potential and dismiss his view on the new guy.if he objects,tell him that he has no reason to you guys are not dating (online dating with but will keep the friendship going.If he is a friend,he will be glad you found a good guy...

Comment #11

OTH, the guy himself could be confused as to what he wants!!!The pros list is not what friends say/do.The cons list is not what makes a relationship.That said,IMO, you are already emotionally invested in the guy.Is he? you wont know till you both talk it out openly.If he refuses,then you need to stop being friends as dont have a choice.why I say this is because if he continues to be in your life,you will stay emotionally connected to him and be not able to connect to anyone are just 22 and have a lot of life ahead...

Comment #12

Well that's really hard to accept. But I guess it is true. I probably will always be (too) emotionally attached to him. I've sometimes thought about what it would feel like if/when he gets involved seriously with someone else. It'd probably suck big time. The answer really is getting him to talk, you are right.

As our relationship (thru began to progress, I kept telling myself, "don't get attached... don't get attached... don't take this too seriously... don't get attached... ".

...stupid feelings. :\.

Thanks again.


Comment #13

LOl !Guys who sleep around dont get emotionally attached at this age.This guy might even get married,have kids etc.but he wont find satisfaction.I promise.They have underlying issues which get unnoticed ( one reason that makes him come back to you again and again,he might not know it as well).He might get emotionally connected at some stage of his life or may never.If he gets,he is in trouble as wont know what to do ; if he doesnt,well, then, he was unfortunate and will continue his pattern forever.Where do you stand in this?I hope you are able to bring it up and he is able to see the light.pEACE..

Comment #14

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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