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How to be safe on Match.com?

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My question is: How to be safe on Match.com?.

My 2nd question is: Ok, I just started dating (online dating with Match.com) after a very painful divorce I took time out to heal and deal with all the baggage from the last relationship..

I have just started dating (online dating with Match.com) this guy it has been a month and everything is great but I am starting to like him and that is bringing up old feelings from the past.  I am starting to worry and over analize everything. .

How do I stop this and not mess up what appears to be a good thing so far.  I mean if he is late calling I start to think crazy things.  And yet he calls and says sorry for being late he is doing so far right by me.  I just cant help shake these feelings. .

So how do you start something new without letting old get in the way?..

Comments (22)

Thank you for the response.  I am trying my best to not over analyze every little phone call, email or lack of those.  Not to worry cause is response is a little slow.  I know I know I know but man it is hard to not freak out and I know that if I do I will just mess this up and I don't want to do that..

So take my mind off of it I shall not sure how but I will figure it out.  Thank you again for the honest response..

 ..

Comment #1

I think you'd find counseling with someone who uses cognitive behavior techniques to be helpful.  Basically, the idea behind cognitive therapy is that if we can change our thoughts, we can change our feelings.  So you'd learn how to recast your thoughts when he was late calling so as to not have such bad feelings as a result..

I've found it to be very helpful, personally..

Sheri..

Comment #2

Hi galbeth2424,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Oh boy do I know how you feel.  I do the exact same thing.  In June it will be two years since my now ex husband walked out.  I can't say the divorce was ugly, but I can say that it hurt. .

I have a great BF now too and we've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 5 months and I know I do this.  I'm getting much better.  What I do is keep myself in check (so I don't freak out in a way that he can tell) and then ask myself are my feeling based on my BF or my past?  If I have to say my past, then I make myself let it go.  My BF doesn't have to be punished for my ex's bad behavior..

Hope this helps and it does get better..

Good Luck,.

 .

           ..

Comment #3

I have not ever heard of that I will look into to it.  That is what I need to do when I start to have those old bad thoughts to change what I am thinking and not let it cloud my current stuff..

It is hard when you have been burned to not have these feelings come into your head.  but I have to stop because I like this man and so far he has been a man of his word to me.  But when your husband is the one who burned you it is hard to believe that someone you just meet would not hurt you..

Sounds crazy but that is how I feel.  thanks for letting put my words here even though they may be crazy it helps to put it down and have people say hey wait a minute you might be looking at this all wrong.  so thank you to everyone who gave me a input here...

Comment #4

Thanks for posting it does help that is what I did today talked it out loud and asked ok what is going on and turns out it was just me being me. man I so don't want to blow this new relationship (thru Match.com) this guys seems really great and like it could be a good thing for me.  thanks for your kind words..

Comment #5

I have to 100% agree with Sheri.   You can help it.   Anyone who says you can't is simply incapable of practicing this/doing this for themselves.  .

To take what Sheri said about cognitive therapy/conditioning ... think of it this way ... and this actually DOES work ... anytime you have these negative thoughts or start to jump to a certain conclusion ... imagine you have an 'accept' stamp in one hand ... and a 'reject' stamp in the other.

You can stamp your thoughts any way you choose.  You can choose to accept a thought or reject it.   Your choice..

All of this is about tapping into your subsconcious ... the thoughts you are having are a result of your subsconcious feeding you garbage ... and then it creeps into your conscious mind.   What you do with those thoughts from there is entirely up to you!   But, whatever you choose ... those thoughts are what inspire your feelings ... and those feelings are what inspire our actions and reactions.

<< But when your husband is the one who burned you it is hard to believe that someone you just meet would not hurt you. >>.

But, it's not about you.  Its never about any of us personally.   Your ex-H didn't burn you because of you, for you, despite you or inspite of you ... he did whatever he did because of what he felt and thought of himself..

Just as whatever any new guy is or isn't doing isn't because of you ... if a person chooses to honor their word and treat you kindly ... it is because of themselves ... because that is their character ... because that is what inspires them and makes them feel good as a person.   .

Take that example the other way ... if someone hits you or cheats on you or call you bad names ... it isn't because of anything YOU did or said ... it's because of THAT person's character (or lack of) ... it's because they are NOT inspired by good behaviors, words or actions ... it's because they feel lousy about themselves as person..

So now ... hope that helps you see that nothing anyone does is because of you, for you, despite or inspite of you ..... so, don't sweat it.   Just take this new guy, new relationship (thru Match.com) at face value...

Comment #6

Thank you for your direct to the point words.  Reading the post here helped me come back to reality.  In time the feelings will lessen and lessen.  and you are all right I know this but sometimes the feelings just get so great that I don't know about anyone else but I loose focus and I have to learn to keep them under wrap..

Again thanks to all who took the time to read and respond at times we need another outlook on things so to help clear out the webs in our heads.  I have learned one thing and that is to not let this new man know when I am freaking out I keep any kind of contact on a positive note when I am having bad thoughts so not to put the garbage onto him or us..

I really like the following words from you starbuck70:.

 Just as whatever any new guy is or isn't doing isn't because of you ... if a person chooses to honor their word and treat you kindly ... it is because of themselves ... because that is their character ... because that is what inspires them and makes them feel good as a person.  .

This hit home to my mind thank you..

 ..

Comment #7

WHat has helped me has been to sit with the feelings I am having and trace them back to a memory rather than block them out. For example:.

Your BF does't call you right when he says he would - that makes you feel anxious. Look at your past to see how similar situations may have resulted in similar feelings - your ExH may have not called you and never explained why or apologized - it made you feel angry and hurt.  Your emotional memory now equates not calling with the feelings that you felt in the past. So look to see if the feelings you feel are appropriate for the situation NOW - meaning - your response is not triggered by past events but why what is happening now.

When you recognize this:.

I am feeling X way because in past similar sitauations when Y happened and I felt X.  However, I know that John is not Sam and John has shown himself to be _________ in these situations. So my feelings are just triggered by hurtful memories of Sam and not anything John has done.  .

Then you can learn to look at your feelings relative to situations and respond accordingly. right now you are not only not recognizing what you are feeling - you also haven't really looked at why you may be feeling it. When you can do that, YOU regain control of the situation by not reacting out of misplaced emotion. You CHOOSE to respond in a manner that builds the relaitonship..

I do agree that sharing what troubles you and why is helpful to building trust and the bond between you. The more aware you become of your feelings, the more willing you are to trust what you see..

Toni..

Comment #8

I had the great honor of seeing the Dalai Lama yesterday at a panel discussion yesterday (along with Bishop Desmond Tutu) and something he said really fits with this discussion, I think.  The topic of the discussion was compassion and he was asked how do you show compassion when you're angry about something.  He said something like, come up with a competing emotion to angerone that's more effective and positiveand choose to replace the anger with that competing emotion.  He said something like, there's always going to be a competing emotion if you reflect on it long enough..

So when you're feeling anxious or stressed or whatever, sit with it and see if you can find a competing emotion that still reflects the situation but is not as negative..

Sheri..

Comment #9

That is a great suggestion from both of you to sit and look back and see what is making me feel this way and then work thru it.  I know all of the feelings I have are from my past and not the present.  Its like I expect my new guy to hurt me the way my exh did so I open my mouth and project negative thoughts trying to prevent the pain from coming and yet when I do this I create a problem and now the new guy is thinking this lady is not stable or she is making me pay for past issues..

That is why I came here to get some great ways of handling this problem.  I do not want to do anything to mess this up I really like this guy and it is going slow and steady and he has shown me to be a man of his word. .

So I am going to do that tonight and go back and reflect on what happened that made me feel this way and try to work thru it.  I thought I was good and yet here I am feeling some bad things. .

Thank you for your suggestions I am going to come back here again for more advice as it has been very direct and helpful...

Comment #10

<<Its like I expect my new guy to hurt me the way my exh did so I open my mouth and project negative thoughts trying to prevent the pain from coming and yet when I do this I create a problem and now the new guy is thinking this lady is not stable or she is making me pay for past issues.>>.

If you expect him to 'be like your ex' then you will set up scenarios that force him in that role - like you are doing now and trying to prevent. Get clear on one thing - you CANNOT prevent pain by closing your heart to someone - all that does is lock it in.  This is a choice you make - you either hold your current BF responsible for what you ex did and therefore, recreate teh pain cycle you already lived OR or learn to examine and identify your emotions and their original and choose not to assign them to him..

When you fully understand that love is work risking pain for - then you will do it afraid. You cannot interact with another being - human or animal - without risk of pain - because everyone leaves us at some point or another either by choice or by chance. And when you KNOW and ACCEPT this truth - you also accept that being disappointed by people is part of being in relationship (thru Match.com) with them.

Its up to you to relate to others openly and honestly and to live grounded in reality - face the truth rather than run from it. When you do this, you won't eliminate the risk of being hurt - but YOU are in control of your emotions rather than they being in control of you - which is where you are now..

Working with acounselor may indeed help you. But really - it comes down to you choosing to love in spite of your fear or to let your past cause you to recreate the pain you are seeking to avoid..

Toni..

Comment #11

You mentioned in your previous post that he was doing what was right for you.  When people make decisions for me I get angry, what about you? .

Maybe his heart IS in the right place...but makes me mad ((hrrrmph!))  I feel it is cruel to allow someone to think that no one cares - and I'm not good with hints.  But then again...maybe I never knew he was there to begin with until recently because maybe there were some things going on behind my back that I never knew about. .

In his mind he could be thinking that I wasnt giving him the time of day all of this time, when I never knew anything about his involvement in my life or desire for involvement in my life, or anyone's involvement in my life who works in his industry.  Why on earth would I think that people a world away from me (feels like it) would even know my name, let alone know that I existed?.

So your BF's response is a little slow?   Between the slow response and making a decision for me...boy oh boy...if he were the love of my life he'd know that I'm going to have some fun with this when he does decide to call, hehe..

I'd like to commiserate...I have been in quite a jam over the last 6 years (that I have actively really truly known about my problem - others in my life sabatoging things) and response never came...so... reaching out to others for help for 6 years (with a huge lack of response)...now THAT's slow.  I dont want to get into the messy details here..

But I know what you mean about freaking out.  I have a tendency to not get my hopes up about anything or anyone.  that does counteract the potential for freaking out sometimes and sometimes nothing works.  So I feel your pain..

I got a mental connection today driving home from the mall and heard in my head what you posted "doing what was right for me"...and then the image of a handsome man concerned about an angel dying in the desert.  Now..anyone who has ever known me would NEVER refer to me as an angel.  So if I didnt know the "rules" of the "game" years ago and up to today (as I havent, of course) I would never know that "angel" would ever be used synonymously with me.  Talk about dangerous.  But TODAY, seeing that, I see that it was a warning for me (because I figured some things out about how I have been victimized).  I thank you..

You mentioned over analyzing...I'm a bit telepathic sometimes...so I pick up someone wanting to know what I feel when I see him.  I feel a lot of sadness coming from him and my heart aches in a different kind of way for him - scary - kind of new.  I've always felt funny feelings inside of me whenever I have seen him over time - but he's a world away, right?  And what do I see?... he'd like to know.  Of course I see someone loving, intelligent and yummy (hehe) .  What does all of this mean?  I wont overanalyze it to mean too because my reflex is.... "I'll believe it when I see it."  "Dont be afraid to say what you feel"...he says.   Easy for him to say.  I dont trust to say.  I know that I dont know as much about him as he does about me..apparently.  So, I have some catching up to do. .

It's funny but I've done a 360 degree turn in what I want for my life when it comes to men over the last decade...

Comment #12

<< Its like I expect my new guy to hurt me the way my exh did so I open my mouth and project negative thoughts trying to prevent the pain from coming and yet when I do this I create a problem and now the new guy is thinking this lady is not stable or she is making me pay for past issues. >>.

Now, give yourself a big 'ol pat on the back for even KNOWING this.   You're aware of it.   And you're aware of how and why you're projecting these feelings.   That's a big step.  Awareness..

You (nor anyone) can change things about yourself without first acknowledging it, staying aware of it and owning it.   You own this ... and now, it's up to you to change it. .

Just by saying what you said above ... you're further along in the process of changing your thoughts and reactions than you probably even realize.   So, give yourself kudos for that and stay on top of it.    You'll be fine.

As for << I thought I was good and yet here I am feeling some bad things.   >>.

Look, nobody's perfect.   Even the best of us (I bet even the Dalai Lama ... thanks for sharing, Sheri!) experiences 'bad feelings' ... it's what a person does with those feelings that makes the difference ... you can react (ie, out of emotion) or you can respond (ie, out of conscious thought).    Like Toni and Sheri have said, you can sit with those feelings and respond positively by turning those feelings around. .

Just don't sit with those feelings for too long ... sitting with your feelings does not mean holding everything in ... believe me, I've tried that tact .. it's doesn't work ... you'll end up exploding later after holding everything in!.

It simply means processing what you're feeling and creating a more positive response.   Every feeling eventually has an action or reaction.  ..

Comment #13

"WHat has helped me has been to sit with the feelings I am having and trace them back to a memory rather than block them out. For example:.

Your BF does't call you right when he says he would - that makes you feel anxious. Look at your past to see how similar situations may have resulted in similar feelings - your ExH may have not called you and never explained why or apologized - it made you feel angry and hurt.  Your emotional memory now equates not calling with the feelings that you felt in the past. So look to see if the feelings you feel are appropriate for the situation NOW - meaning - your response is not triggered by past events but why what is happening now. ".

Come on now tonitoons...you know your answer is very sophisticated for someone just starting out....

What she needs right now, IMO, is a way to block the emotions from permeating her mind... carrying her away....emotional hijacking.  As time goes on she can do some real reflection, process the hurt and pain from the past and learn techniques so that she understands that this is a new person and he hasn't given her any reason to question him. but this comes with time.  We've all been there and we all have had to learn different ways of not replaying history with a new guy.  Taking that type of control of your mind and emotions takes time and work...well worth, I agree..

What is even more helpful is making sure that you acknowledge the past as a potential trigger...but not using it as a crutch in the future to play denial and not see what you need to see.  So many women keep using the past and their acknowledgment of the past to not see what is really going on in their present relationships - then they dont know why they get hurt.  So..some moron takes advantage of a woman...she prefers to see her perception of this as "oh it is just the past coming back to call on me" instead of seeing it for what it is ...she got involved with a moron who is taking advantage of her.  I guess it is easier for people to tell themselves it is their fault - their problem - because they dont trust anymore because they got hurt inthe past.  But guess what?  people need to find a middle ground and not dismiss red flags or gut feelings..just because they are so used to blaming themselves for everything. ..

Comment #14

Hi there I have been married now for almost 4 months but I have been with my husband for almost a year..He was married before we got together and he has a daughter with his ex wife,I have 4 girls of my own by a marriage before of almost 10 years. My husband now and his ex wife where not gettin along at tha beggining of there divorce and I have had to explain to my hubby that it is better for the kids if you and her try to be friends if for nothing then for your daughter.Beth his ex has a son that is not my hubbys,but I have been takin care of him for sometime now while she works,She makes more stops by here then just dropin off her son to me in the mornings,there was this time that her bf kicked her out,she of course called my hubby (bryan)at work and then he called me here at home.Im not one thats going to put a mom and her son out on the streets and let them sleep in her van.So I as a mom also told her that if she needs a place that she can come here till she gets on her feet again.....I think that thats when my problems began,she started telling me that she cheated on bryan and if there was anyway that she could take it all back that she would have him now!!she talks to him about old times that they had together and all the fun things that they have done,right there infront of me,now I'm not 1 that gets jelous or starts sayin that hes cheatin on me with her it's not even like that...Im a woman and I know I'm not seeing things,she wants him back and I know that.I have tryed to talk to him about this and all that he tells me is "oh baby it's not like that she just needs someone to talk to" ok I get that but here we are again she has a bf and she comes here and tells us that there havin problems.....she has called bryan more then 5 times at work cryin..he has told me that he fixed it to where she cant call him at work no more but thats a lie......

Please tell me that I'm not seeing things and tell me what it is that I can do to stop this with out makin a mess!!!..

Comment #15

Honestly, your post ... with the big bold italicized purple letters in one big paragraph is so hard to read ... you might want to soften it up ... and then, you can get more responses. .

Also, you shoudl probably start a new thread with your post/questions rather than add on to someone else's thread (its kind of just message board etiquette)..

Thanks ......

Comment #16

Sophisticated? Why? She asked HOW - I gave her an answer - and a good one. Just because a person may not have the skills necessary to do something doesn't mean that they can't learn to do it woth time and effort. We all do this - being in control of one's emotions is something to be learned as well.  Even knowing that there are ways to deal with difficult things that you haven't thought of helps - you have options.

YOu suggesst she block her emotions - well, many people do that by eating or drinking too much, or taking drugs or jumping into another relationship, etc. And where does that get them? In a place far worse than when they stared. Blocking emotions only postpones dealing with them and it doesn't HELP you move forward - and when if you put them off too long - they do come crashing down on you when you least expect it.  that is not effective. It is ok to be angry, sad, frustrated. And it is ok to say so.

I may have offered a 'sophisticated' answer - but it's one that deals with difficult emotions in a productive way. I would never suggest than anyone avoid what they are feeling - because that does nothing but prolong the pain they are trying to avoid.

I do agree that she can get busy in her life and focus on things she can control - but avoiding what she is feeling is not the answer.  She'll just have to deal with it later - and it won't be any easier then..

Toni..

Comment #17

Your post really needs to be it's own thread - you are hijacking someone else's. Also - please use a font taht is easier on the eyes - huge bold letters are very difficult to read.

Toni..

Comment #18

Ok my only question to you is that this is my first time and I cant find out how to make my own message.so if ud b a friend and help me out here id really like that alot!..

Comment #19

Go to the main dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne page and just click the button that says "Start a Discussion"  - it's right at the top of the list of topics..

Toni..

Comment #20

Ok now my next question is how do I remove tha message that I already posted.

 ..

Comment #21

Well, when I say block...I mean just get up and do something to stop your mind from running on and on about it...like reading a book or watching tv.  Just to distract yourself for the moment so you can calm down.  that's all, blocking the thoughts from igniting rampant emotions.  Not necessarily blocking the emotions itself. .

Of course your suggestion is the way to go,but if she doesnt know how to do that ... and it does take time and practice..then I thought that in the meantime that she could just stop the cycle that she was in..

Anyway, that's all...

Comment #22


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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