Your question was: How successful is match.com? Anyone had a good/bad experience they can share?.
Would you believe this guy is in finance? lol, yes it's like the proverbial cobblers children had no shoes, and the plumbers house is full of leaky faucets..
Yes this is a red flag, however, I dont see it as a reason to end a relationship. Just NEVER, NEVER put your money in joint accounts. And I would think long and hard if you ever are considering marriage to him. .
As far as it will never happen to him........he is in denial, like an ostrich. Just try and ignore that part of him. Tell yourself it's not your problem, it's his..
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Them with my guns..
I'm sorry, but... I kind of agree with the statement that it's not really your business. If you were to ever pool your monetary resources, it would certainly be a good idea for you to protect your accounts and keep an eye on it if you know he won't. But I'm thinking, this isn't a real problem for him now - perhaps he will think differently if something ever happens, which I hope it won't, but it's common that a person does not take something very seriously until there are severe consequences.Okay, I also admit to being someone who should take better care of receipts but I have never been late on a payment or overdrawn and I keep an eye on my account for suspicious activity... So I can see where you're both coming from. Again I hope it doesn't happen to him, but I doubt he will be inclined to take this more seriously unless it does. I don't think this is a red flag or reason to leave the relationship (thru Match.com) but it is a sign that you will probably manage the finances if this relationship (thru Match.com) goes further!..
Yes it would be a red flag if you were getting married or already married, (money differences is high on the list of problems in a marriage) but right now, it is really none of your business how he handles his finances, you are only dating (online dating with Match.com) him and it has only been 6 months. .
He is in denial if he thinks "it" can't happen to him but again... that is his problem not yours at this point. Just because he doesn't handle things the way you would doesn't make him wrong just different than you. If it bothers you this much then maybe he is not the one for you. You can't change him to make him into what you think he should be, and if you try you are going to fail. If/when he decides to do things differently then he will but right now that is all on him, and imo you have no say in the matter...The only thing you can do is decide if you can accept him as is or not, and take the necessary steps if you can't...
Thanks for the comments so far. He and I are dating (online dating with Match.com) to see if marriage is a possibility so the relationship (thru Match.com) is something that is moving towards more serious- and obviously his attitude bothers me when I myself can not afford to be so lax about finances.
I feel these are things to discuss with other people and see their experiences as I KNOW that money can be a huge issues in relationships/marriage and I don't want to go into the relationship (thru Match.com) with the attitude that "once you are married" everything works out. I am trying to figure out how to handle differences- and how to approach this situation without feeling frusterated because I want to work on how to see if this relationship (thru Match.com) has potential for marriage..
Lol, who balances their checkbook anymore! I mean, actually ... in the checkbook register? That's so old school..
Here's the deal, he probably has a system that works for him. While that may not be the system that YOU would use, it seems to be working for him. .
When I say it's working for him ... well, it is! Let's look at this facts: He's not in debt, he has money in the bank, makes a pretty good salary and pays his bills on time. So, what's the problem?.
I think you're being a bit hypersensitive about this. I also think that you would want/prefer him to do it your way ... because you perceive that as the right way. But, the right way is whatever works for each individual person. And as long as the result isn't negative (which isn't) ... then, yes ... I'd have to agree with him ... "all is good.".
Ie, << but there are times when we have gone out with others and he just caressly throws the credit card statement back in the bill holder- without tearing it up or keeping it- especially with identity theft >>.
Those receipts/statements generally don't have a complete CC# on them. Plus, let's say if you're at a restaurant or something ... if an employee really wanted to steal your credit card info ... they wouldn't need the customer's copy ... they have their own! I think you're making mountains out of molehills here.
Edited 8/20/2008 2:43 pm ET by starbuck70..
It's a Red Flag only if you choose to make it a Red Flag. Just because he doesn't think, feel, say and do things exactly your way - doesn't make him wrong. If you can't handle this quirk of his, then this is clearly the wrong relationship (thru Match.com) for you..
Something to consider from Dr. Phil - http://drphil.com/articles/article/26/.
Ten relationship (thru Match.com) Myths.
Think your relationship (thru Match.com) is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship (thru Match.com) myths.MYTH #1: A GREAT relationship (thru Match.com) DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS.
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship (thru Match.com) problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship (thru Match.com) is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences..
MYTH #3: A GREAT relationship (thru Match.com) REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING.
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship (thru Match.com) are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
MYTH #8: A GREAT relationship (thru Match.com) CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER.
Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship.
Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.
MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE relationship (thru Match.com) GREAT.
Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship (thru Match.com) challenge that life throws you.
Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value.
MYTH #10: YOUR relationship (thru Match.com) CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT.
Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship (thru Match.com) would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship (thru Match.com) is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life...
If these behavioral traits bother you now...it will only get worse later on and then you will feel stuck doing everything in the relationship. People only change if they want to change or feel that there is a need for a change. If his life is going well...he will not see that a change is in order as there are no problems for him at this time. ..
Money is one of the major conflict areas between couples. It's good to discuss how each of you were raised and developed your money personalities so to speak. Find out why he is so laid back and why you find his laid back attitude so threatening. It's good for the two of you to become more understanding of the other's point of view. Seeing the history of it helps..
As you said he has a good job, isn't in debt, is generous toward you. You don't share finances. But as you come closer to well, becoming real close, it's important to see how you would compromise with each other and handle divisive issues. The looked for outcome - a win/win for everyone... or a least a livable compromise .
I think the two of you are simply not compatible when it comes to money issues. I am much more like your b/f when it comes to money. I haven't balanced my checkbook in 10+ years since I worked for a bank. I don't analyze and keep every receipt, I look at my bank statements and credit card bills very occasionally to make sure nothing looks funny and I stopped keeping receipts from restaurants and everywhere else becuase I never did anthing but toss them in the shredder. But yet I have never once been overdrawn, never bounced a check, have excellent credit and very, very, very rarely miss payments on anything..
There is nothing wrong with either of your attitudes toward money (although I admit that since my attitude is similar to his that being with someone as meticulous as you are would drive me batty). You are entitled to your way and he is entitled to his because it works for each of you individually. You cannot MAKE him understand the way you are any more than you can understand the way he is. You can either choose to accept the fact that he is different when it comes to money and work through it somehow or you can choose to see this as a potential issue down the line if/when you get married and end things now. .
Thanks for your thoughts. I know that no relationship (thru Match.com) is without issues. My concern is obviously down the line when there are MORE bills to pay and planning that needs to be done. I am not meticulous at all- I do not balance my checkbook as much as I should- but I do keep receipts and check things over because of identity theft as well I am on a stricter budget right now..
Right now, he doesn't really have a budget of sorts- he just spends- and what I wonder is when we want to go on a vacation, or expenses change (car, medical, etc.) that he is prepared for those types of things. I just don't know if this is something that people change once they have other responsibilities. Obviously expenses change and my concern is if he is prepared for things like that because of his attitude..
Its probably more about the fact that he doesn't budget for anything right now- he has no budget for going out, food, etc. And I have seen him surprised when I fill up my gas tank (he doesn't have a car) and I worry if he gets Why I have to budget or balance things..
Here's what happens when people combine finances, etc after getting married .... I'd 95% of the time, one or the other becomes 'responsible' for the finances. .
In your case, I'd venture to say ... this person would be you. .
Funny story ... but, the other day ... my mom was visiting ... she answer her cell, it's my dad ... he's at the bank ... he tried what he 'thought' was their ATM card number ...
I had to laugh! I said "what? he never goes to the ATM?" ... she said, 'no, hardly ever.'.
See, my mom is the one that handle all of their bills and their spending ... I guess she gives my dad money, ha!.
However, that is ZERO reflection on my dad's financially abilities ... he's a savvy shopper, rather frugal, knows exactly what they have and he's done well for our family ... my parents own 3 homes ... though my folks are both retired now, he was the main breadwinner in our family ... all the while , my mom handled paying the bills. .
That's generally how it works ... the one who is more organized with this type of stuff is the one who ends up handling it.
Yes, generally in life, when people take on more responsibilties ... they also become more responsible. .
Personally, to each is own, but .. I think your approach is the one that's a bit more 'non conventional'..
I have a lot of responsiblities and finances to manage ... all the typical 'grown up' stuff ...two mortgages, two cars, a few credit cards, medical, utilities, house stuff, etc ... AND business expenses ... and I don't have a 'budget' for gas and groceries. It just costs what it costs. And of course, I have an idea of what it costs ... but, it's not written down ... its in my head. I don't overspend or eat out more than a few times per week. And like Vexer said, I'm also never overdrawn, late on payments, etc. .
Therefore, just because I don't micromanage my finances doesn't mean I'm financially irresponsible. I'd venture to say the same for your BF.
Honestly, seriously ... I think you're making a major case out of something that ... in my opinion ... sounds very 'normal' from him. ..
<<I just don't know if this is something that people change once they have other responsibilities. Obviously expenses change and my concern is if he is prepared for things like that because of his attitude.>>.
I guess the thing that gets me here, is why should he have to change? As you've said, it's not like he's out blowing his money or getting stuff turned off because he doesn't pay his bills or anything like that. Just his approach to organizing and spending his money is different than yours. It doesn't make his way bad or wrong. It's not to say that his way wouldn't still work perfectly well for him when he has more responsibility and bills. He's probably one of those people that always know about how much is in his account, about how much will be coming in and out at what points and so just doesn't worry about it. If/when more responsibilities were added, he'd still know "about" on all the new things and still be OK..
<<Its probably more about the fact that he doesn't budget for anything right now- he has no budget for going out, food, etc. And I have seen him surprised when I fill up my gas tank (he doesn't have a car) and I worry if he gets Why I have to budget or balance things.>>.
I don't relaly budget either. I know about how much it takes to fill up the car each week, about how much I spend on groceries, mortgage, bills, etc. but I don't even informally budget because I know that as long as I continue on my current level of income and outflow that I'm in good shape - even give or take a couple shopping trips or dinners out with friends. But if money is tight for you right now for whatever reason, sure, it makes sense to try to save and be more careful and live within your means. But that doesn't mean that he has to feel the same way now or ever. Budgets are best used when you really do have a reason to carefully plan out your spending - that can even come into play when you are getting married or having a baby or planning for a big trip. But for a lot of people on a day to day basis, budgeting just isn't THAT high of a priority. And THAT is why he has a hard time understanding why you have the need to budget and balance things. Because that's jut not how he is. Just like you have a hard time understanding why he doesn't - that's the way you are right now. .
He could change, he might not. It still holds that you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. He's probably never going to be anywhere near as organized as you are about finances. That's something that you'll have to face and either the two of you can compromise or you can't. But that's what dating (online dating with Match.com) is for - to decide if you are compatible enough to be married. You might not be comfortable enough with his level of budgeting and spending and that might not work for you. But there is someone out there that will be very much on the same page as you with spending and maybe that will work better or you might find that you are not compatible in other ways too. It's all a matter of deciding what you can live with and what you can't. But trying to MAKE him understand your way probably isn't going to work all that well. If you can come to a compromise on this issue and love each other enough to make things work, it will work but compromise is the only way this will keep going because you are probably not going to change each other..
<< It's not to say that his way wouldn't still work perfectly well for him when he has more responsibility and bills. He's probably one of those people that always know about how much is in his account, about how much will be coming in and out at what points and so just doesn't worry about it. If/when more responsibilities were added, he'd still know "about" on all the new things and still be OK. >>.
Exactly. You've just described my approach to a "t" ... and I'm not a financial idiot or in trouble with my bills. And believe me! ... I have about as much responsiblity as one person without a spouse can possibly have. My relaxed approach to handing finances hasn't hurt me. .
To our OP I think the point we are trying to make is ... just because his way is different than your way ... that doesn't make it *wrong* ... it just makes it different than yours. If it's working, then ... don't sweat it. Honestly, I think your approach is a bit "micro-manager"-ish. Perhaps you are the type of person that likes to file things and write things down. If so, that's fine ... that's GREAT! But that doesn't make people who do NOT have to write things down wrong or irresponsible for doing it the way that works for them.
I think you have to ask yourself ... is your BF a responsible person, in general, in life? If so, then ... don't sweat. If you would honestly judge him as an irresponsible person ... then, yes ... you have to weigh this choice of whether or not you can see a future with him. As well, I think you'd have to ask yourself honestly if you're judging him too harshly...
Couple of things that jumped out at me from your post. You didn't say that you were concerned but rather annoyed - why? You say that at some levels it's none of your business - I would say at all levels it isn't. Also, you have only been dating (online dating with Match.com) six months and are already thinking of marrying (you said you have been dating (online dating with Match.com) to see if you will marry) - what's the hurry?.
As far as him balancing his account and paying online, etc, I agree with the other posters but I do have a question - how do you know how and when he pay bills and what he checks? Because he tells you? I would wonder if he is being nonchalant about his answers because he feels it's none of your business or he wonders why you are so insistent about his finances?.
I have to tell you, as a guy, when I read your post and answers to the other posters, I wonder just what else he does that you get "annoyed" at because he doesn't do it your way?..
Whew...thanks, Starbuck. 'Cause I don't balance my checkbook either and I'm rather proud of it. (Old school? Ha ha.) The biggest thing to note here is that the OP's bf hasn't got credit card debt! Join the six, count 'em 6 other Americans who are also credit card debt free. (Me, too.) Seriously, the statistics are grim on the number of people in this country with serious card debt who are living way beyond their earnings. Geez, I'd be celebrating, not criticizing. Meant nicely..
Taking a slightly different POV:.
It seems your BF is unconcerned about this because his basic belief is that there is an abundance of money to take care of what he wants and needs to take care of. He has what he needs and is confident in his ability to get more. Spending a lot of time tracking every penny would lend to the idea that there is only a 'certain' amount that he has access to, ie, that there is lack - because he doesn't believe there is. A person who believes they will always have what they need is unconcerned with the mundane details. He gets no enjoyment from bookkeeping AND is unconcerned with about 'not having enough' so why do something that provides no enjoyment or tangible benefit? He is responsible and has no debt..
And it seems that your POV is more along those lines - that you only have X amount and 'more' is not possible so you need feel in 'control' of what you do have by tracking every cent. I'd also guess that you get no enjoyment of the bookkeeping aspects but, because you have a basic belief that there is only a 'certain' amount available to you to use, you force yourself to do it. This serves to keep you in the cycle of there not being 'enough'. Thoughts become beliefs if left unchallenged.
Generally speaking, people are focused on things that they truly believe - he isn't afraid of not having enough or of getting more. He sounds fully aware of what he does have and sees no point tracking every little detail because it doesn't change his core belief - he has and always will have enough to fund what he wants and needs. He has no fear of 'not having'. His actions reflect his core belief that no matter what happens, he has what he needs or can get it. On the other hand, you do seem fearful of not having enough - more of a lack POV - therefore, money, and not having it is constantly on your mind and your actions reflect that..
Neither of you are wrong - you are simply on opposite sides of the coin. When people fear having enough, that dictates what they and think and say. They tend to do things that feed that fear - like obsess about spending money, over eating, what have you. When people believe that there is an endless supply available to them, they simple enjoy what they have NOW - with the knowledge that there is always more.
Your pervading thoughts control you and your actions - he has no fear or concern about getting money as reflected by his actions. Your actions indicate a lot of fear in getting more or having enough..
I would say I was concerned about how he handles finances- but annoyed when it seems like he wonders WHY I do it differently (keeping my receipts, checking prices of certain things before I buy them, etc.) - I don't make as much money as he does- but I also don't take for granted that what I have today I will have tomorrow.
As for saying you think this is none of my business- perhaps it stems from my past experiences- in my past I have dated a few men who it became clear had problems with money (gambling, etc.)- and a few others who were wanting to know MY finances to know if I was the type who was a big spender. Money can be a sensitive topic- even in friendships- it doesn't just take until you combine households for things to become an issue..
How do I know about this- probably because he leaves his mail unopened (we are talking not a few bills/letters- we are talking there must be MONTHS worth of mail on his stove- that's how I noticed it)- I would not normally question someone- but when you see over 100 letters on his stove where pots should be- the topic came up..
Personally- do I balance my checkbook completely? No- not at all! I wouldn't say I'm the dream accountant of my finances. But, do I open my mail (or at the least check it online) and make sure that no one has stolen my credit card- yes! Maybe saying "he doesn't balance his checkbook" isn't quite the issue- but clearly when you leave things in plain sight (imagine I never put away my groceries- the conversation would come up as to why?).
I have not come across anyone who is as comfortable as he is with just assuming he doesn't need to check his bills/his mail/his bank statements/credit cards. etc. - even among my friends- so to me, this is new territory to deal with. I am just seeking out if other people think that sometimes peoople buckle up and become more responsible down the road.
Thank you for your post- I totally agree with it. For me, I grew up VERY conscious of money even though we didn't have a problem- we were always aware that "it was expensive to live"- and it made me have much more conservative attitude. Right now, I have been struggling with jobs and my cash flow has not been as consistent. I learned that even with my experience- the economy can really affect my line of work- and that if I am out of work- I'd better be prepared to deal with that for months..
My boyfriend definately has a different point of view- that because he has a MBA and good experience- he will always continue to do better and that his job is recession proof.
With the way the economy has been I have ESPECIALLY been conscious- and I was surprised to find that not only did he not balance or check his bills- he didn't seem to get why I would have that need to be conscious of things like that. I do see from all of the posts- it's interesting to see other people's views. None is right or wrong, but it's good to see how people deal with WAY different mind sets..
The economy really doesn't have anything to do with the basic belief that one's needs will be supplied. It kind of goes to the glass half full or half empty line of thinking. One view is that there is room for more and the other only looks at what isn't there.
This line of thinking is the basics of attracting and keeping wealth - if you have faith that you have and always will have enough, you will. If you don't have that belief, no matter how much you have, it will not be enough. I've lost a job and I've barely scraped by for years - and now I'm in a position where, though still not what I'd like it to be, I have enough to meet my needs, share what I want to share and have money left over. My mantra is 'money comes to me easily and frequently' and it does! Sometimes in the form of really cool freebies like a home security system. I have no worries about losing my job - because I know I can find another and I have all the talents and skills necessary to do what I like. That is just my belief - and it serves me well.
Hon, my point is - if you think you will never have 'enough' then you won't. If you think you do have enough, you will. Both POVs are correct..
I suggest you read The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace Wattles or Napolean Hill's think and grow rich - both of them are excellent excellent EXCELLENT resources for looking at how attitudes can repel or attract money. Wouldn't attracting it - and keeping it - be more fun that counting pennies and filing receipts? .
Living in fear of 'not having' is not fun. check each of these books out from the library and allow yourself to think about money differently..
Toni's advice is solid, solid, solid. I would second her recommendation to read Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich. It was introduced to me several years ago ... and basically, if you've heard of "The Secret" ... Hill is the one who really started that whole concept of 'you get what you put out there.'.
You asked: << I am just seeking out if other people think that sometimes peoople buckle up and become more responsible down the road. >>.
I already answered ... yes, I think people can and do. However, I haven't really heard evidence from you that he's irresponsible. Are his ways different from yours? Yes, absolutely. We've all established that. But, even though he has letters piled up ... maybe it's junk mail .. or things he pays automatically or online? I just think you're being a bit judgy. If anything, that just makes him guilty of being messy. But, it doesn't make him guilty of being financially irresponsible..
How do I know? Well ... I haven't opened up my mortgage statements in ... gosh, 2 years. I keep them ... piled up on my office ... along with my AMEX statements. I don't open those either (gasp!) What I do DO is ... I check them online. And I pay them online. Both of my mortgages are auto-deducted every month. One on the 28th and one on the 15th. Like clockwork. See ...
It isn't in a ledger ... and I don't need the paper statement to get those things done. And if I can do it this way without damage ... with two house payments and business expenses ... anyone can. .
I don't know ... I just don't think a lot of paperwork and paper record keeping is what defines a person as financially responsible.
Edited 8/26/2008 9:42 am ET by starbuck70..