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My question is: How much is to join?.

My 2nd question is: Hello I will try to keep this brief. I am 31 years old and smart, attractive nice but unable to ask out men. My whole adult life I have maybe been asked out by 4 guys. I am so frustrated, I go to my male friends to find out why guys don't ask, and every single one says that I intimidate guys with my looks and intelligence. I do not know what to do because I am so lonely and in need of being with someone but I cannot bring myself to be rejected so I cannot ever do the asking. Lately I have taken to crying a lot, everyone I know has no problem being able to date, getting asked out, and obviously at my age many people I know are married and have kids and I still am not even being asked on dates.

I see the guys I like take up with girls that are not that great looking or have half my personality and wonder what else can I possibly do. I feel like the few times I have put myself out there I have gotten hurt and rejected so badly that I can't bring myself to do it any more. I like someone now and I have just resigned myself to a fate of suffering over my feelings and pressing them down as far as I can because I know he will never ask me out and I know I will never have the guts to do so either. I don't know what the answer is because I cannot change men and I cannot change myself. it's so hard to watch everyone I know date using and get in relationships so easily and always myself be alone and heartbroken..

Comments (6)

Here's my answer to your question: How much is to join?.

First thing you need to do is STOP the negative thinking.  As long as you think the way you do it will be that way.  If you aren't happy with yourself and like yourself, no one else will.  Like attracts like.  Make your life the best it can be for yourself, be happy with yourself even if you don't have a bf and you will have a better chance at attracting someone the same..

If your friends are right and you intimidate men with your looks and intelligence maybe you could find different types of men than what you normally look for, be a little more approachable.  Men do like a little encouragment..

Take up a hobby, something that you have always wanted to do, join a group and meet people with the same interests..

"i cannot change men and I cannot change myself.".

True you can't change men, or anyone else, but YOU can change yourself.  So maybe look inside yourself and see if there is some little something you can do differently...

Comment #1

If you ask a man out, when it's not your natural habit, it'll just get you the wrong kind of guy. You won't be compatible anyway. everyone I know has no problem being able to date, getting asked out, <<< When you go out with those friends, do you notice how they act? Are they flirting more than you, dressing up differently, smiling at more men, etc.? obviously men today are total wusses ... take up with girls that are not that great looking or have half my personality <<< Not to be rude, but ... Maybe they can tell you think that of them? That you are now desperate & are avoiding you? I like someone now and I have just resigned myself to a fate of suffering over my feelings and pressing them down as far as I can because I know he will never ask me out and I know I will never have the guts to do so either. <<< Do you know him, or just admire from afar? If you already know him, it's way less hard.

Smile at him, make chitchat, laugh at his jokes. Encourage him. "Friends" with an agenda. You want him to realize how sparkling your personality is. =) (as long as you don't work together).

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha..

Comment #2

I have never known one man who was intimidated enough by a woman's looks or intelligence to prevent him from showing any interest or asking her out. Those are great things that a man wants in a woman..

What intimidates men is not beauty, brains, or success. It's attitude. And attitude can be changed without detriment to yourself. Please don't take this as an indication of me accusing you of "having an attitude" because I don't know you, it's just that a man who finds you intimidating most likely finds you unapproachable by the way you act and carry yourself. Can I ask then, how do you show interest in a man? Are you friendly and outgoing? Are you able to start a conversation with a man, even if it's not directly asking him out? Do you think you are an approachable person to people who don't know you?..

Comment #3

Hello Sassisizz, Most of my life I have been perfectly happy with myself, and have never felt I needed a man in it to be happy. I have been told in fact by guys, guys who are friends now but were initially entering my life because they had feelings or attraction to me that they were afraid to ask me out because I am/seem so independant and didn't seem to need a man in my life. I do like myself as a person, I just do not like this lifelong predicament I have had. I know approachability is my problem, but I am get nervous around guys I am attracted to and it is hard for me to act friendly because I am very sensitive and get hurt easily. The few times I have worked up the nerve and put myself out there I have gotten burned for it, which makes me that much more reluctant to do so. I have been in therapy for years trying to change this about myself but even after years of it I am not quite at the point that I can flirt with a guy, because I need to really get to know someone to know how I feel and don't want to lead people on- can and has led awkward situations.

In theory, yes, we can change ourselves, and I am sure that SOMEDAY I will change, but that someday could be 10 or 20 years away, and I am getting very frustrated because I am tired of being alone.....

Comment #4

Hi tulips, I am interested in your first comment could you expand upon it?regarding other friends, when it's other females, absolutely. a few of those friends are much more flirtatious. I wish I could be like them. some are more open or approachable but not all. I am a very social and lively person, so I am a bit easier to approach than the shy wallflower. but maybe that is not enough.

Regarding perceived desperation, I seem to have actually the very opposite problem- I have been told by both men AND women that I come across as a very strong and independant woman, and that this makes them think they would be rejected by me, they tend to go for more someone they think is more needing a man in their life, and I don't communicate that at ALL. so maybe showing some desperation would actually be a good thing for me to do. but I can't do that either. I am too afraid of being vulnerable that I really play it cool if I like someone, because for some reason I am always attracted to the ones that are hard to read or discern their are not avoiding me, I do get male attention, but almost never from anyone I feel attracted to! and the few times I do, it makes me so nervous and bumbling that I don't know what to do or how to act. I get so uncomfortable that I actually used to avoid them to escape the terrible anxiety symptoms it would give me.

We work together...

Comment #5

"Those are great things that a man wants in a woman."you would think, right? I have actually asked guys I know about this, I have even had some who I liked and thought oh for sure they're not into me, and what they have told me (yes, the story is pretty much always the same) that they are afraid to ask me out because they figure I can have any guy I want, and feel for this perceived reason that there is a higher possibility of rejection. I hear this from ex-boyfriends (i have a few but not many) who are now friends and tell me even they were nervous to approach me, somehow though they got over it and did (actually I had to be the initiator in at least one of my past relationships, found out later that he never thought I liked him at all). I was not an approachable person at all up until a year ago. I do feel I am now, heck I have even casually mentioned to some guys I like that we should hang out (more often) but that doesnt seem to help? I really think the ones I like don't like me. I have had some really great guys be interested but I didnt have that chemistry with them! I really wanted to feel the attraction but it just wasnt there. and when it is there for someone, those people never approach me.

In fact it is a problem, because even happens with S/Os of friends and it makes me uncomfortable and go out of my WAY to make it clear to the woman that I am not after their guy, but they flirt with me. such a world of difference when it comes to the single guys tho.and just for the record I don't think I am intimidatingly intelligent OR good looking at all! I am always shocked when I hear this from others, but it's something i've heard enough times that I really must wonder if it could be true. seriously though I am not as gorgeous as a supermodel, and for gods sakes they have boyfriends all the time, and a lot of them have bad attitudes! I am always the girl who is out on the dancefloor first just being silly and having fun, in theory this should make me easier to approach right? but it only seems to draw the drunk guys that I have nothing in common with!.

Edited 10/20/2009 2:55 pm ET by jazmin2010..

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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