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How long should we wait?

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So I started dating (online dating with Match.com) this great guy about two months ago...It went really well for the first month and then the second month things started dying down a bit. One of the reasons (and maybe only one) is that he has two jobs, one of which takes him out of town a lot and is quite physically demanding. He also has many meetings and physio appointments to attend for the this second job and all of this has really increased in the past month. So basically I was starting to feel like an after thought (figured if a guy likes you he will make the effort to call, even if it's for a minute) even though I knew he liked me. I figured either he doesn't like me enough to make the effort or really can't handle all of these life/job pressures right now (he also just got notice to leave his house so has to find a new apartment).So I told him last week that it wasn't working for me. That there wasnt enough time for us to get any kind of momentum going when we only saw eachother once a week and only spoke twice a week.

He sounded pretty hurt, I don't think he realized (i guess life was consuming him) and felt badly. We weren't sure how to end the conversation, I told him to go do what he had to do and that maybe in a little while we can touch base and see.And now it's his bday today and I feel badly that I havent even called to say happy birthdya. I guess I am also confused about this. My thinking is that he needs time to figure out if he wants to make that extra effort to have me around. So I should probably just let it alone for a month or so right? Also, am wondering if I should apply the "he;s just not that into you" theory or if it's possible for guys to really zone out when they are stressed??..

Comments (16)

Your question was: How long should we wait?.

It sounds like the two of you are just not a good fit, at least not right now. I would let it beyou left the door open if things ever calm down for him, now it's up to him.Sheri..

Comment #1

It really depends on the situation I think, and only you can know that.. I personally think "he's just not that into you" applies 9 times out of 10, HOWEVER when I told my boyfriend one time that I didnt think things were going to work out, the book/theory would tell him that Im Just Not That Into Him, when that wasnt the case at all! I loved him, but I just didnt think things were feasible the way they were. So I dont think it applies all the time. Another time, I texted him and didint hear back for a while.. I was like WE ARE SO OVER! Guess he's just not that into me! He wrote me an email later and was like "OMG, you are SO IMPATIENT! If I dont text you back within 5 minutes you get so mad! Sometimes I am just busy! Love you, talk to you later" LOL..

Comment #2

Exactly!! Thats the thing...we expect different things than they do. In my past experience men deal with stress very differently. He was in a work situation where things were up in the air for several days and I didnt hear from him during that time. But once it was resolved he told me all about it. Whereas for women...i think we need to discuss all the time! But at the end of the day I told him it wasn't enough for me. I knew I couldn't control him in the situation so opted for doing what was best for me.

It either made it easy for him or he'll figure out what he needs to do in the future.Thanks!..

Comment #3

That's the thing is knowing and then communicating to the other person what IS and ISNT acceptable to you. And that's something othe rpeople cant really advise you on because it is personal, menaing what's NOT acceptable to me might be okay with you.. you know?The thing is, is my boyfriend usually writes me back at least first thing the next day.. and I've not heard from him. So to me, it's out of the ordinary so I freak out. Whateverrr...

Comment #4

Ya he would always get back to me when I called. And he was attentive when he wasn't stressed. That wasn't the problem. The issue was more that I felt like I was doing more of the calling/initiating. And a few times he would be short on the phone or busy which is fine but then wouldn't take the initiative to make plans for when he wasn't. In the end, there were many legitimate reasons as to why he acted the way he did or why it would take awhile for us to get together...whether he would apply the same reasons to someone else that he would be "more into" or if it's just me...who knows! I think I understand where he was coming from...his position is extremely stressful and I understand that.

When you've got so much intensity in your life...its difficult to concentrate on a new love. I think we both knew that, I just allowed him to really accept it. It sucks though...such an awesome guy and there was such an easy between us...even when we were having that "break up" conversation. So easy to talk to and actually participated in the conversation rather than be silent (as per many past experiences)...

Comment #5

If you are not content with the amount of attention or attentiveness he is giving you now, then you may have met a guy whose career will take center stage for many years. If he is in medicine (you mentioned physio classes?) then he will expect you to take care of yourself emotionally and he will attempt to see you but his career will come first.I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from him. It is a shame because you seemed to really like him...

Comment #6

Yah, one time my boyfriend was short with me on the phone so when we hung, I turned my phone off.. he tried to call me all night! LOL The next day, he was like, whyd you turn your phone off?? I was like um, you were rude to me and I was pissed! He said he was busy recording with hsi friends (he's in a band). I said that was fine if he was busy, just be nicer about it next time.. and if you ever talk to me like that again we are finished... and he's never been like that again LOL..

Comment #7

OK now i'm in full on regret mode. He was inattentive for a few weeks and I blow him off. ugh. Some guys on the other boards thought I was really harsh. That he just had a lot going on (which he really did) and that he couldnt help but be distracted. Ugh, I dont know what to do now.

I feel like I still need to give him some time to do his thing and not have to worry about me. This sucks..

Comment #8

You get to want what you want. If you don't want a man who doesn't have time to spend with you, then that's completely fair (although personally I'd be *delighted* right now to find a guy who was able to go out 1x a weekthe guys I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) are more like 1x every 2-3 weeks! But I digress ;-)).Better to move on to someone who doesn't have such a crazy schedule than be frustrated with this guy.Now, if the 2 job situation was only going to be going on for a short time, then you might take that into account, but presumably you did factor that in before you decided to break things off, correct?Sheri..

Comment #9

Well it is seasonal but that part of his life is gearing up I think. And I didn't really break it off completely. I just thought he should concentrate on his work for now since it's so consuming. I guess for me, when I really like someone I want to spend more than a few hours a week with them. I can't help it. Is it too demanding? Maybe.

But I feel horrible if I hurt him because that wasn't my intent. I don't want to be that flighty girl who doesn't know what she wants or what she deserves. In the end the only solution in my mind is to wait a month or so and see how we both feel. Fully realising that he may not be interested anymore and I may have lost my chance. I guess life is just a gamble sometimes...

Comment #10

I don't see why you're beating yourself up for wanting what you want. Better to let him go to find someone who is ok with his schedule than for both of you to be frustrated.I guess I don't really see what good waiting a month is going to do however, if he's still going to be just as busy thendo you really think you're going to change your mind about the amount of time you want to spend with him?Sheri..

Comment #11

I'm sorry, but I hate the whole "busy" excuse. I'm so over that!..

Comment #12

I'm sure you didn't hurt him. He is probably flattered that you like him so much. Your schedules are conflicting and you can wait a month and see if he changes his schedule but if he doesn't you still have to consider what you will do about the situation...

Comment #13

I think, though, that we need someone who is compatible with what we need. My boyfriend and I are in love and we talked almost every day from the beginning. There was never a big discrepancy in how much we wanted to talk or see each other. I think that if he had only called me/seen me once or twice a week, I would have lost interest after a month or two also. So maybe it's more of a compatibility issue than a male/female thing. Plus, if you saw an obvious decline in his attention, I think that's bad.

Some days all he got was a 5-minute call in the car while I raced from one job to another, or me coming to his house after a 16-hour day and collapsing in exhaustion into his bed, but he did get that! And males are capable of the same. So I'm a bit iffy about the "busy at work" excuse. I think it can be a convenient way of slowing down a relationship...which, if you're ok with things going slowly, then rock 'n roll!..

Comment #14

I have dated a lot of losers and they nearly ALL used the 'busy' excuse. It is all just that; an excuse. Nobody is too busy to send a quick message at least. And men don't care about our feelings so why should we care about theirs?..

Comment #15

In addition to what you have experienced, there are guys who feel as though work is the center of their universe and a wife or love is always number 2 or 3 on list of priorities. Some are busy and just expect you to understand and be happy for the time you get from them. Many of those guys are just selfish and centered only on themselves...

Comment #16


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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