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My first question is: How long does Match.com allow you to keep a profile if you haven't logged in for quite some time?.

My next question is: Hi everyone..

I previously posted about my BF and I appreciate all of the responses I got..

Just as a reminder, I went thru my BF's phone and saw text messages between him and his ex. They were flirtatious and I didn't think they were appropriate for an Ex. When I confronted him about it he said that he still had feelings for her and he had to work thru that before we could do anything and it wasn't fair to anyone involved for us to stay together at that time..

So, we ended it, but agreed to be friends. We were friends for a few years before we became BF and GF. This totally broke my heart and I really missed him..

About three weeks later (last week) he called to see if I wanted to hang out. Of course I went, but I did not go with any intentions of getting back together with him and I didn't know what he wanted.

He told me that he still loves me. As far as the Ex goes, he said they never really had closure and he now knows that's all he needed. He said he cares about her but knows for sure now that he does not want to be with her. He said he has missed me since we broke up and he wants to fix a big mistake he made.

He also said that he kind of got scared before because our relationship (thru Match.com) was moving fast. I totally agree with that, however, he was the one making it go that fast. He said he thought that he needed a live in girlfriend. Now, he says he does love me and wants us to be BF and GF exclusively, but he is not quite ready to live together again, which is fine with me..

I'm a little afraid becuase of what happened before. I told him this and he appologized for lying and hurting me. I'm trying to figure out if he's being honest with me, or if I'm going to end up getting jurt again. I do still love him too!.

 Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Comments (7)

Your question was: How long does Match.com allow you to keep a profile if you haven't logged in for quite some time?.

This is a tough one angelhill99.  I can understand some need for closure, but what concerns me is his statement that he still cares for her and doesnt want to resume cohabitation with you.  It is one thing to reconcile and it is another thing to reconcile with a step backwards.  It doesnt feel right to me when men want to take a step backwards.  When men do that I get the impression that they are just holding on to the woman until they can find a better situation - so they dont have to be alone as a consequence for making a stupid mistake.  I know he realizes that he shouldnt be with his ex GF...but that caring part can take a while to subside or diminish.  When I divorced my first husband I knew we werent right for each other anymore, but I still cared about him as a husband for a while.  Those emotions did interfere with being able to date other men. .

When that same exhusband left me for another woman (reason for divorce) he told me he was in love with her.  About one week before the divorce was final he said he wanted to reconcile with me.  It seems that they had a big blow out one night at a party and she broke up with him or they mutually broke up with each other...who knows.  He gets upset when I say she dumped him..hehe.   I could tell that he no longer loved me the way that he should love his wife so I decided to not reconcile.  He didnt want to be alone and that is not a reason to reconcile.  I am not so sure that your ex didnt do the same thing - so be careful..

I know that he apologized but it doesnt mean that you should walk back into this blind.  Because you do still love him you will accept his overture...but again...be careful..

 ..

Comment #1

I agree with the previous poster.  I guess you won't know for sure unless you get back together with him..

I'd be interested to know what happened between him and his ex during this time you guys had apart.  How did he get the closure he was refering to?.

Just remember that you're number one.  Don't feel bad that you'd hurt his feelings if you don't get back together.  You have to think about yourself...

Comment #2

The only way you will find out if it will work is by getting back together to see what develops. I don't know about the lying, plus the ex sending him flirtateous messages, what kind of closure did he come to?, and also if she is really done or over him. She knows how to get a hold of him and did not respect him nor you if she was texting him and he lyed to you about it, I don't get the part in him not telling you in the first place. Starting a relationship (thru Match.com) lying is not the best way, who know's what else he may have lied about. To me lying is a deal breaker - my ex started lying to me after one year of relationship (thru Match.com) (we were supposed to get married). He lied about the simplest little things, which were crazy, then I started wondering if he had been lying to me all along and wondering what he had kept from me.

Follow your heart if you really want to be with him. As far as getting hurt, the only way to find out if getting back together and we do have to allow ourselves to take risks to see what develops. Just follow your heart. I wish you the best in whatever you decide..

Anna.

 ..

Comment #3

This is a big risk, no doubt about it.  I'm a little dubious of his explanation about the exwhat the heck do flirty text messages have to do with getting "closure" and why did he lie to you about them if that's all it was?  And apologizing for lying isn't the same as making a commitment to never lie to you again.  I think the chances are good that he will continue to lie to youI just don't think that is something that someone can easily change about their personality if they are prone to it. .

But, if you are willing to take the risk, you are.  I would take things very slowly and decide ahead of time what your boundaries are with him.  I'd also want to hear from him what he plans to do to address the lying issue because that for me is a dealbreaker..

Sheri ..

Comment #4

Northwestwanderer, I agree with your post, their is no reason good enough to justify lying, once someone lies for the simplest/littlest things, who knows what else they are lying about - I would definately say a deal breaker. I had to break of with ex after two years of serious relationship (thru Match.com) because at the end he was lying to me about the simplest little things. I can't do the lying stuff - I don't lie to anyone and can't handle someone lying to me too. I would say Big Risk if she's gets back together with ex. I know I would be wondering all the time if he's lying or not. He should have been honest to her to begin with, with honesty people earn trust/respect from the other person, better credability as opposed to none.



Anna.

 ..

Comment #5

The ex you had for 2 years who lied about the simplest things probably had some sort of psychological disorder.  I have met people who are pathological liars. They lie about things that one wouldnt ever think to lie about.  Everyone "white" lies at that is usually done to spare the person's feelings.  There is no sense in telling your friend that the dress she is wearing is horrible once you meet her at a bar or club..

I agree with nwwanderer's observation that apologizing for lying is not the same thing as promising to not lie again.  Many times people apologize only because they got caught..

I'm sure that guy is wishing that he was more upfront and honest with angelhill...it may be discomforting at first to say something to someone that he or she doesnt really want to hear...but you really get more out of that relationship (thru Match.com) in the end because that person will trust you more down the road...

Comment #6

Yep, I would say something is wrong with them. It is so much easier to be honest and earn trust by people, than trying to keep lying to keep up with them. My ex had said once that he tries not to lie, which was on my mind for a while because I thought why would someone say that. Then when his daughter got pregnant at 18 and said she was on birth control, he said that she never lied. Interesting, very slim chance that someone can get pregnant while on birth control. He was in so much denial that his daughter was an angel, please.

I used to always bring that up because I could not get past the idea that is someone is divorced why have title together. His comment to me was that he was divorced for 8 years and was that not good enough. To me no, thank God it's no longer my problem to worry about. Much better off out of the relationship (thru Match.com) and believe me no turning back. It took 4 times to break up for good.

It's pretty bad that people have to lie about the simplest things, says alot about them. I just don't get it. Lying is a no no and no good enough reason to justify it, especially when covering up an ex..

Anna.

 ..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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