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How do the folks here @ G&WS feel about online dating sites like Match.com and Eharmony?

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My first question is: How do the folks here @ G&WS feel about online dating sites like Match.com and Eharmony?.

My next question is: Hi there,.

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Here's the deal. I have been best friends with this guy for about 4 mos., as soon as I moved to town. He's been there for me, takes me to dinner, drives me to the airport, buys presents, etc. When we first met, I knew he wanted to date using Match.com me, but at the time I was emotionally unavailable, fresh out of a breakup. Plus, I wasn't sure I was attracted to him, as he is not my normal physical type..

Anyhoo, time goes on and I start to feel an attraction for him, he is so sweet, I can talk to him about anything, we have the best time together. He knows I am starting to casually see a few guys, and I assume he is dating (online dating with Match.com) a few women casually as well. He never talks about any of them and we hang out a bunch, and he says he does not have a girlfriend. So....I see him out one night with a girl (first time for this), at this point we are not  dating, but still friends, and I haven't yet told him that I have deeper feelings for him. I ask him that night, jokingly, in front of this girl, "I didn't know you had a girlfriend! Ha!" He says, right in front of her "I don't.".

OK, so based on that and making sure he is 'single,' I tell him about my feelings the next night. He says he is surprised but thinks it's really cool, so he asks me to dinner and we start dating. It's awesome. We have a friend bond and a growing attraction and talk about everything. I still assume he is just casual with this other person, but one night I ask him if he has been sleeping with her (at the suggestion of my sister). He says yes.

I really like him, and we are NOT sleeping together, but since I thought he was in a casual relationship, I allowed our own to start developing and now I don't want to give up on our friendship either. I tell him that for our own relationship (thru Match.com) to progress, he has to be up front with the other person. Well, the plot thickens....She decides to move here! She was living 4 hours away before.

Sooo.....he says he is going to make his decision and doesn't want to lose me. If the two of them were just casual, in my opinion, we wouldn't be needing to have this decision making talk until further down the road, b/c after 4 dates I don't consider it time for exclusivity talk, esp. when I am not sleeping with him. I just want things to develop on their own. We make plans for Friday and long story short, he breaks them b/c "Ann" calls to tell him she has the day off, and he isn't ready to tell her he is dating (online dating with Match.com) me, even though, in front of her, he said they are not exclusive. He ends up coming to see me, and tells me she is smothering him and making plans for their future and he doesn't know what to do.

He says that he is feeling a lot of pressure from her. I tell him, it's cool, I understand, he feels guilty and we should perhaps cool it while he has time to deal with this. However, he still invites himself to hang out with me before his date using Match.com with her. I was kind of ticked off over this, and though I did a good job of hiding it at first, 3 Guinnesses later and I tell him he needs to make up his mind, and we shouldn't see eachother at all until he can do so, because I feel like if he really cares for me, as tough as it may be, he should tell "Ann" what is going on. I get teary eyed, and he leaves at that point.

Later on I feel bad, so I text him to say 'sorry for being a little babyish,' maybe we can talk in a few days. To that he says, 'It was really hard seeing you sad. A few days are definitely needed. I feel like a jerk.' To which I tell him 'You're not a jerk, you're someone I care about, perhaps we both need some space and I'd like to further OUR relationship, but not until he is clear about what he wants.'.

This was on Friday, and now it is Wednesday, and not a peep from him. On the one hand, space IS in order, but it would seem like he would atleast respond. I'm now not sure what to think. I thought we were perfect for eachother, so did my mom who has met him, etc.

Any advice? I know I will eventually hear from him. Not sure what to do.

Gal Blondie..

Comments (9)

Your question was: How do the folks here @ G&WS feel about online dating sites like Match.com and Eharmony?.

Welcome to the board.

Isn't it hard to be patient in these kind of situations!!  I do agree that he needs to clear the air with Ann.  She thinks they have a future and he thinks they have a casual thing going.  As casual as sleeping with someone can be..

Be a little more patient and wait for him to call.  If he's still wavering, keep your options open and go on other dates. .

Good Luck,.

Kristie.

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Comment #1

Pay attention to his complaints about Ann because that could be you next.  If he does not prefer to date using Match.com monogamously and exclusively and you do...then you should write him off...

Comment #2

He did text me last night to ask about hanging out on Friday. I politely declined. Once he is more clear on what he wants, I will consider seeing him, or once I feel like I am OK just being platonic, whichever comes first. I like him, but I think he needs to work a little harder than this, plus, I need space to think about if I really want someone who isn't sure. I have 2 dates this weekend (different guys) should help to take my mind off of him, and if it's meant to be, he'll do the necessary work, if not, well, I don't know how much longer I will care. Every day it gets a bit easier to think to myself, 'well, I guess he doesn't care, I guess I shouldn't either.' Not to say that he doesn't, but at this point maybe not as much as I'd like.

Gal Blondie..

Comment #3

Sounds like you've come to a good realization.  I was going to suggest to you that you ask yourself if you wanted someone that wasn't sure about you and had to think THIS hard about whether he wanted to be with you or this other woman.  You deserve better than someone who isn't in this completely and has to take so much time to figure it out including going back to her and be too chicken to tell this other woman he doesn't want anything more serious with her (if that's indeed the case).  Yes, he may be inexperienced in dating (online dating with Match.com) two women at the same time and maybe he doesn't WANT to have to make that choice right now, but he should be able to better define what it is he DOES want. .

Good luck with your dates this weekend.  You do get out there girl!  It's good you keep getting back on that horse..

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Comment #4

Good for you fro taking care of yourself.  Maybe this guy will sit up and take notice when you are out with others.  Sometimes people don't realize what they have until they think they might loose it..

Keep staying strong!.

Kristie.

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Comment #5

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I only know that I want a relationship (thru Match.com) based on mutual respect, integrity and honesty, and quite franky, meeting men and getting dates is not a problem for me. Maybe *he* will put in the needed effort and make a decision, but in the meantime, I am over his lack of fortitude. He needs to work harder.

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Thanks again!.

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Happy V-Day.

Gal Blondie..

Comment #6

Thanks, Vexer. I had a nice date using Match.com with someone new the other night. I still hear from my friend, and I have given up the idea of us dating, as too much time has passed now (almost 2 weeks) since I saw him, due to my not being available and his being sick. I am guilty of returning his text messages, which are not about *us*, just jokes and chit chat. Here's why: He was my first (and only) friend when I moved here, and the hard part is that now that I am realizing a relationship (thru Match.com) may not be in the cards for us (and probably isn't), do I let my friendship with him go?.

He has been a great friend, and the situation is complex, I agree, but I feel an obligation to him and to our friendship. The timing wasn't right for us, I agree, and now that I realize he is into this girl he has been seeing for awhile, we have agreed to cool it. But I still want to be his friend. How does that work?.

Gal Blondie..

Comment #7

Why not?  If you think you can easily transition back into being "just friends" then I don't see a problem.  I know it takes me a little while to transition to that phase but probably your two weeks away from each other and your nice date using Match.com with another guy has helped.  It sounds like you've got a good handle on it..

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Comment #8

Yeah, he's a great buddy, and down the road there could be something there, but for now, no. I think that continuing to keep some distance and occasionally hanging out (in public places) might be OK. We have a friendly skeeball competition going right now at this place we hang out at (and, ironically met for the first time at), so we talked about a future hangout involving skeeball (and him getting his a$$ kicked). We'll see. He's a lovely person and good friend. Like I said, the timing just isn't right..

Gal Blondie..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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