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How do i know this girl i met off match.com is interested in me to hang out or relationship.?

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My first question is: How do I know this girl I met off match.com is interested in me to hang out or relationship.?.

My next question is: Hi everyone,.

I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my current boyfriend for about 9 months. I'm 23, he's 30. Definitely the largest age gap between any other guy I've dated in the past.  He's also mentioned that I'm the youngest girl he's ever had a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with..

He plans on coming home with me this Thursday for Thanksgiving to meet the rest of my mom's side of the family. He is originally from New York and already told me that he plans on going home for Christmas since his parents offered to pay almost all of his plane ticket. He hasn't been home to NY since last Christmas, so I know he's eager to see his family. He's asked me if I'm going to miss him, and how it will be weird to not see each other for a week, etc.

Here's my question:.

Am I being being overly sensitive that he hasn't asked me to come home with him to NY for Christmas?.

 His last girlfriend came home with him for Christmas two years ago when they were dating, and they only dated for a year and a half total, so it was around the same amount of time when he brought her home as it would be with him and I currently. She is also six years older than me, but I don't know if that has something to do with it, or not.  I just feel kind of sad/disappointed that he hasn't asked me..

Am I just making a big deal out of nothing, or should I feel a little let down about this? And, do I have the right to ask or casually bring it up to him about it?.

 .

Any thoughts/ comments would be greatly appreciated.

C..

Comments (14)

Your question was: How do I know this girl I met off match.com is interested in me to hang out or relationship.?.

<<Am I being being overly sensitive that he hasn't asked me to come home with him to NY for Christmas?>>.

Yes. He can love you dearly but not want to bring you home to meet the fam just yet - for any number of reasons that has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you.  This POV is along the lines of 'proving' his feelings by doing X, Y or Z. His parents paid for his ticket - would he have gone if they hadn't? Your family is local - his isn't. Traveling long distance for big holidays in itself is stressful. then add the holiday stuff....additional stress..

 <<His last girlfriend came home with him for Christmas two years ago when they were dating, and they only dated for a year and a half total, so it was around the same amount of time when he brought her home as it would be with him and I currently. She is also six years older than me, but I don't know if that has something to do with it, or not.  I just feel kind of sad/disappointed that he hasn't asked me.>>.

So what. What he did or didn't do with his last GF has nothing to do with you. And it very well may be that THIS is the reason he isn't taking you home yet. Families tend to make a big to-do over this - and the last episode may not have gone over well thus he is waiting until he is more comfortable with this to do it. Again, you are making this about his feelings for you and it isn't. It is ok to feel disappointed that he didn't ask - but it sounds like you expected him to because he did someone else.



<<Am I just making a big deal out of nothing, or should I feel a little let down about this? And, do I have the right to ask or casually bring it up to him about it?>>.

You feel what you feel - it's how you react to those feelings that matter. Making his holiday family plans about his feelings and intentions toward you is making a big deal about it. You can ask anything you want but remember, it can come across as expectations and make him feel wrong about this. Don't guilt him into asking and don't make him wrong for not asking - because ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. Making it about you is being needy. Ask him if it would be ok to call him while there and maybe, you could send a small gift - something fun - for him and his family to receive while he's there.

This isn't about forcing yourself into his family - which is possibly what the other girl did - who, is no longer in the picture, remember?.

Just accept that for whatever reason, right now he isn't comfortable with bringing you home yet. What you do now can go a LONG way into helping him grow more comfortable with you or not - if you make a bigger deal about this, then he may very well think, "Hmmm...glad I didn't bring her...she's got all these expectations and if I did, she might just expect a ring or whatever and I'm not ready to think about that yet."  And if you accept that this is how it is right now and just enjoy the holiday season and time you have with him - let him know you miss him - take him to the airport - then he may get more comfortable with you to do more more quickly.

The point is - missing someone won't kill you. Not going to meet his family yet is not an indicator of anything other than this is how he wants it for now.  Making a fuss over it will NOT make him feel closer to you but being accepting of his decision will not go unnoticed..

Toni..

Comment #1

I can certainly see why you would be dissapointed in not being invited. He is your BF and you want to be with him for the holidays whether he is with his family or not.  Have you mentioned this to him yet?  Since his parents are paying for his ticket he may not want to ask you to go if you have to spring for the ticket yourself. So, what do guys do when they dont know what to do?  They do absolutely nothing - and make matters worse.  He may be afraid to look cheap by not offering to pay for the ticket if he is strapped for cash and he wont ask his parents to pay for your ticket.

If you want to go with him, then offer to pay for the ticket and see what he says. Make sure you dont bring up the ex girlfriend and just tell him that you are really going to miss him and you are willing topay for the ticket to be with him.  Who knows what he'll say, but at least he'll know that you really do want to be with him...

Comment #2

If you're feeling slighted, then why not ask him what's going on? Really, the only way to get to the bottom of this is to talk to him about it. And if you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to the one you love, then what's the point of being together, kwim? See what he says (and listen to your own intuition) to see if this relationship (thru Match.com) is going anywhere...

Comment #3

I agree with Toni on this one...9 months is just a drop in the bucket for a relationship, he hasn't seen his family in a year, maybe he wants to see them without having to worry about bringing someone new into the picture, just because your are ready for him to meet your family doesn't mean he thinks the same as you.Have you ever heard the phrase..."absence make the heart grow fonder" ?

Comment #4

Hi Sweety,.

I think your NOT making this a sensitive situation. Even though he volunteered to tell you about his other girlfriend coming to visit his family, you didnt ask,  but since he opened up that door and let you know you have every right to ask the question.. Yes ask the question, "so baby why haven't you ask me to come and visit your mom". Tell him if you havent already that New York is one of the places you neva been or you would like to visit one day and not only will you get a chance to meet his family but also visit the big apple. But all in all if he give you an excuse as to why he didnt invite you, take it for what it is and let him know that if all are in a relationship (thru Match.com) together we need to put each other in plans exspecially if i'm putting effort in it... One more thing I dont think age is an issue because if it was he would have been hesitant to visit your family...

 .

Peace..Te Te..

Comment #5

Here's the thing that I failed to mention earlier, that will probably make me look really bad at the moment...He never came right out and said that his past gf went home with him for Christmas. I do know that she went home with him when they were dating (online dating with Match.com) during the summer once. But, as for Christmas, I don't know. I happened to see a picture of them awhile back and it was dated December 2005. I figured that he went home to NY for Christmas every year and that she was with him in NY, then. He's brought up recently that in the past he hasn't gone home to NY every year...so he could have very well been with her family in that picture, right here, in MN.

However, the fact still remains that he did bring his previous gf home with him to NY at some point when they were dating, but oh well.

Another part of me wonders if he hasn't or won't ask me because he wants to make sure that if he introduces me to his family, that it is the "real" thing. I say this because when we first started dating (online dating with Match.com) I got the feeling that he had been hurt in a previous relationship. I come to find out later on, that he believes that his previous gf did cheat on him, even though he didn't have actual proof. So, maybe he has issues that if he introduces me to his family and go through all of that like he did with the previous one and him and I don't work out, he'll think it's a waste? I'm just not sure.

Regardless, I don't think I have the right to ask him, "How come you took your previous gf home at some point to NY but not me?" I figure if he wants to ask me, he will. Maybe he will ask me to go home with him the next time to NY that isn't around Christmas...maybe Christmas is a time with him to just be with his family.....

Comment #6

I am not sure if you read my post above, but I would like to suggest that you put the ex girlfriend out of your mind in regards to this situation.  This is not a contest.  Maybe circumstances were different when he did bring the ex back to NY with him.  Maybe you are right, it has to do with his feeling like he doesnt want to explain himself about his dating (online dating with Match.com) choices (the "real thing" you mentioned) or maybe it has to do with money and not being able to afford taking you back with him, or maybe he wants to see initiative from you...a  desire from you to meet his family.  It could be all or none of these things.  The only way you are going to find out for sure is to discuss this with him and focus on you and him and not him and her.,..

Comment #7

I just glanced through the posts, but your situation reminded me of one of my own.Men ARE from Mars. He might have it in his head that you would not want to go. Therefore, I think you have been dating (online dating with Match.com) long enough, that you should comfortably come out and say "I would like to go with you", and if he says "I am not ready", say "fine, some other time".Just my 2 cents...

Comment #8

I'm sure you meant this for the OP but it came to my email instead...

Comment #9

Ok, so ... you made an assumption. That you passed on to us as fact.   Yes, that was a mistake.  Do NOT assume that she went back to his home with him.  For all you know, she never went back to NY with him, from what it sounds like.   You saw a picture and made an assumption.  Tsk-tsk.  Now, you put that assumption out of your mind and take what you know at face value. .

Yes, you are assuming too much.  And expecting too much given the length of this relationship.  If a guy hasn't seen his family in a while, yes ... they often just want to see family.  It isn't about you.  But, that's the problem isn't it ... that he isn't making it about you.  ;-).

I agree with previous poster who said to put the ex-GF and what he may or may not have done with her.   Its not a contest.  I know you are only 23 and you're doing/reacting like most young women your age would (I mean no offense but that's the reality) ... but, you have to understand that the past is the past ... the present is the present ... and if you don't take the present at face value ... you will have no future with him.

If you want to go, ask him if you can go.   On your dime, of course.   If you don't ask, you'll never know.  BUT, if you cannot properly prepare yourself for an answer you may not want, then ... you're better off not asking.  ..

Comment #10

Update: So, my mom just got hooked up on a deal thru T-Mobile today where she got a free round trip flight to NY, or three other states to choose from. I text my bf this, just to let him know what a good deal she got. He text me back asking if my mom had to use the ticket or if I could use it instead....

Good news, sort of?.

I'm wondering if the reason he didn't ask me IS because of how much a ticket around Christmas to NY would cost....

 .

Any thoughts?..

Comment #11

Another note:.

After that text, he added, "Because I know people in NY." (Meaning that we could stay with instead of his parents). I told him that I unfortunately wouldn't be able to use the free flight until April of 2008 since that is the date using Match.com the free flight starts on, but that I might be willing to pay for a flight myself, but it would be up to him..

He replied back, "We can wait on it. The ticket would be super expensive. It would be $600 for round trip. We can go another time when we could to go New York City and afford it.".

So, to me, it sounds like he just doesn't want me to spend that kind of money just to go home with him...and he did actually ask me to go home with him..

Any thoughts?..

Comment #12

Let it rest for now. I think you interpretation is correct. Stay in MN for the holidays and go to NY later...

Comment #13

At 9 months it's not unreasonable to wonder why he doesn't even think of asking you home - you said his parents are paying for his ticket, could it be he's embarrassed not to be able to offer to pay for your tix.

You can say that you it would be nice to be together for the holiday but you definitely want him to be able to spend time with his family... you can say not that you're pressing him or want him to feel an obligation, it's ok either way but had he thought about the possibility of you going with him - again say whatever is comfortable and works best is fine but you just wondered where he stood on this.

,..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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