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My first question is: How can I find ) my boyfriend for a good 6 months now, and on our first date, he paid for our dinner. Since that time (6 months ago), I can count on one hand the times he's paid for something. Usually, we're going Dutch.(ex. One day he asked me if he could take me to lunch. He picked me up from work and physically took me to lunch. Once we got there, we went Dutch.)It makes me a bit sad, because I'm a girly-girl and I'd like to feel like someone is taking me out and treating me to dinner.

And that's definitely NOT me. A dinner date, flowers on occasion; that's all that I ask. But how do I bring this up without sounding like a money-hungry person?..

Comments (14)

Your question was: How can I find ?.

I like the alternating idea. Next time he takes you out, you pay. I'll bet next time you two go out, he'll pay...

Comment #1

If you like this person keep him as a friend and find a man who can afford to take you out and who isn't cheap!! There are plenty of gentlemen out there. Personally, I've been fortunate to have never dated a cheap man. I've also never been in a situation where my date using Match.com expected me to pay half. I would find that to be completely insulting. Call me old fashioned but that's my position. But like I said, I have never been in your situation.

That is not to say that I've never taken a boyfriend out for dinner or lunch because I have. Once in awhile I'll do that to show him that I appreciate his generosity; which I do. My current sweetheart never expects anything and is always very appreciative when I surprise him by paying..

Don't settle for someone who is cheap just because it's politically incorrect to expect more...

Comment #2

Ew, I've not paid for anything ever with a boyfriend.  Not even once...

Comment #3

>>Ew, I've not paid for anything ever with a boyfriend.  Not even once.<<.

I don't understand the use of the "Ew". Maybe you can explain what is so "ew" about an independent, self-assured woman paying for her boyfriend's dinner/movie tickets if SHE is taking HIM out...

I'm curious. If it were your BF's birthday and you two went out to dinner, would HE still have to pay?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #4

>>I don't understand the use of the "Ew". Maybe you can explain what is so "ew" about an independent, self-assured woman paying for her boyfriend's dinner/movie tickets if SHE is taking HIM out..Thanks, I was trying to find a nicer way of asking this. When someone starts off a sentence with "Ew" here I get kind of an immature mental image of that person and have a tough time taking them seriously...

Comment #5

"Ew" = an expression signifying disapproval.  Just as it is my opinion that the guy letting the girl pay is ew, you are free to interpret it's use as immature.  Not a problem. .

Yes, of course there are exceptions when the female might pay..

On my boyfriend's birthday, I bought him a present.  I did try to pay for our dinner, but he wouldnt let me.  And that's how it should be.   .

Just because a woman doesnt pay for this that or the other, does not take away from her independence and so on. ..

Comment #6

Yes, I think he is just cheap.  You deserve to be pampered, girly-girl!.

Edited 1/25/2009 12:18 pm ET by blairbear89..

Comment #7

NM.

Edited 1/25/2009 5:53 pm ET by cl-bajanbeautykei.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #8

I realised that I haven't replied to the OP. He did pay for the first dinner; I think that counts for something. Have you talked to him about how you feel? I know some guys take advice from their sisters/female friends are are told that women want to be treated equally; I know this is the reason one or two guys I know kept doing the Dutch thing every time. they thought that's what the woman wanted..

I dunno, it's only been six months. If the guy is kind, polite and treats you well, is it really that big of a deal? Why not try getting to know him better? Of course, still address your concerns about the money issue; the way he responds will tell you a lot..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

That's insane I don't know how old You Guys are but even in my teens and 20's the Guy paid for dates 90% of the time I wouldn't settle for anything less that is part of courting  there is nothing wrong with You treating for dinner/take out/ movies on occasion but do You really want to date using Match.com someone that can't afford or is to cheap to wine and dine You You deserve more!!.

Good luck!..

Comment #10

I'm 45 and I realize things are a little different now than when I was 20 and dating (online dating with Match.com) but = going dutch means to me, friends. Always did. A date using Match.com means to be treated as special. How is a guy asking YOU out for you to pay for your own meal/movie/what have you being treated as 'special'? It isn't - you can do those same things with anyone or even yourself. I don't think dating (online dating with Match.com) should be tit-for-tat but I do think there should be reciprocity - even when budgets are tight you can figure this out. A guy buys your dinner, you spring for the movie.

YOu don't say whether or not he is asking you to go dutch or if you are simply offering. If he is asking you to go dutch, then I would question if he sees you as more than a friend. Also, you can answer him with a "well, I know we've gone dutch all these months, but you DID ask me out on a date....." later offer to cook dinner for him or something like that - the point is to convey that to YOU dating (online dating with Match.com) is a special activity and you like to be treated special just as you like to treat him special.If you are offering to pay all the time STOP! Allow him to offer. And then offer something reciprocal - like getting dessert, leaving the tip, or movie tickets or even cooking for him. dating (online dating with Match.com) is not about splitting costs exactly down the line - you can do that with any one - dating (online dating with Match.com) is about special moments shared by 2 people - so it is NOT unreasonable to want or expect the man to pay for most of the dating (online dating with Match.com) activities, when he is asking you out.

The gesture on my part to contribute was appreciated but it was never a dollar for dollar trade. It is sad that people make it that way. If you are going to count pennies on who spent what, then how are you 'dating'? Sounds more like 2 friends going to a movie. This is esp. true in the first several months - long term and well established relationship (thru Match.com) tend to be a little more equal in taking turns.Personally, I think at 6 months, he SHOULD be willing to pay for the dates HE is asking you on.

And if YOU ask him out - then YOU should pay.I, too, would question his generosity because he has treated you ONCE in 6 months. I would also question his interest. A man typically wants to treat a lady special when he sees her as such - even if he is on a budget. To me, his actions say, friend..

Toni..

Comment #11

Ahhh...the age old debate!.

Seems like your situation is more about generosity than a man not being a gentleman and paying. Hmmm....I guess those things are one and the same.

I will say that if your BF has only treated you a handful of times in six months, then it may imply that he's either cheap or just a bit selfish. Question: when you two go out, how does it come up who's paying? When the bill comes, does he say, "ok....you had the burger and fries, so your portion is $8...?" Or, do you offer to pay your part? Just curious..

Have you talked to him about it? As someone has already said, it can be kind of difficult to broach that subject. Do you think he's just a selfish cheapskate? Is he a person who doesn't have much money (not that you have to be a rich man to buy a girl a dinner). Bottom line, it just depends on how important it is to you. You can't make the guy treat you...because, then you'll feel like he's just doing it because you made it an issue. A person has to want to do it.

Example: I went on a first date using Match.com with a man last weekend. We actually went out three times in two days: two dinners and a movie. I let him pay for the first dinner. I offered to pay the second time, he wouldn't let me. He also paid for the movie. He and I are still in the friendship stage; he is not my boyfriend.

So, it depends on the guy. Some men would never let a woman pay for a meal, others don't feel that way. I do believe, though, that once you're in a relationship, it's ok to alternate paying. In hte beginning stages, when a man asks you out, he should be prepared to pay. But, there are no rules, really...just societal standards.

Good luck!!!.

Edited 1/25/2009 8:39 pm ET by rivegauche79..

Comment #12

Is he just cheap? yes!.

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Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #13

Say the stuff you think is really great about him and then say not in a blaming way, things that would mean a lot to you, such as being occasionally treated like a girly girl,  See how he reacts. Ask him what would be pleasing to him as well.

,..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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