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His mother...please help!

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I don't really know where to begin here but I'll try to keep it short. My bf and I have been together for about a year and a half now, and I have never met his mother. Basically she refuses to meet me! I have met the rest of his family and we get along great. I feel a bit sorry for his mum because I know she has some issues which she has not resolved and this is stopping her from forming any new relationships with people (so she hasn't made any friends, doesn't work, etc). Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be her best friend or anything. I just want to meet the mother of the person I love so much and I want to feel accepted by her.

I am over at their house very often, but she will always be in the other side of the house (which I am not allowed to go in - & neither is anyone else who isn't immediate family). So she will have to buzz my bf on the phone when she needs something etc. I have spoken to her maybe a few times over the phone (which is something I guess). One particular phone call, she actually spoke to me for quite a while (a while being maybe a few minutes) and made small talk which I thought was really nice, so I mentioned to her that it would be nice to meet up with her one day...she just started laughing at my comment (possibly nervously) and said to me 'you don't know how my life is...you don't know how things are'. I was pretty shocked, as it sounded mean.

That was maybe six months ago and I have not spoken to her since (she doesn't answer the phone anymore!). Every time my bf tries to speak to her seriously about the situation she just ignores him, changes the subject and acts very immature. (Even his grandmother has asked her why she doesn't want to meet me and she just ignored her). We have not tried to push her in any way, as I understand this will take time for her to get used to, but it has been a year and a half and nothing has changed (i am my boyfriends first girlfriend so she has not had to deal with this before). It makes things really hard sometimes because we can't spend Christmas, special occassions etc.

My bf has said to me that if I was to ever turn up some place where I knew he & his mum would be, that she would just run away and hide until I leave. We both know she needs to get counselling to help her sort through her problems, but she doesn't seem to want to help herself, so we don't know what to do. She has been like this for a very long time. We really love each other and want a future together, and this situation is proving to be pretty stressful. (btw, the reason why this is really affecting me right now is the fact that I was intending on going over to his house to spend some time together tonight and he's told me I can't come over because he has to pick up his mum - and obviously I can't be there! This has happened many times)..

Comments (6)

Your question was: His mother...please help!.

"Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be her best friend or anything. I just want to meet the mother of the person I love so much and I want to feel accepted by her. It really plays with my mind sometimes. I am over at their house very often, but she will always be in the other side of the house (which I am not allowed to go in - & neither is anyone else who isn't immediate family). So she will have to buzz my bf on the phone when she needs something etc." This is a very strange situation. It sounds almost as if she will not get help so she can continue to hold everyone in her family hostage to her. I would try to ignore it and ignore her and ask my BF if he ever plans on moving out and away from her...

Comment #1

Thanks for your reply snafu. Yes, he does plan on moving out (we are planning on getting married sometime within the next couple of years)...

Comment #2

How old are you and your boyfriend? She obviously had serious emotional issues and it's very hard for your boyfriend to have divided loyalties.  But if you and he do become serious he has to choose you - i.e.: if your mom won't let you come over for Xmas he won't either..

And how is the rest of the family about this issue? Are they supportive of you?.

It might not hurt for you and your boyfriend to have a couple of therapy sessions together to figure out how to deal with this very tough issue. Good luck.

,..

Comment #3

WOW, THIS SOUNDS SOO CRAZY.WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON WITH HIS MUM? DO SHE HAS SOME KIND OF MENTAL DISORDER? I JUST THINK YOU SHOULD STOP PUSHING THE ISSUE UNTIL SHE GET HERSELF TOGETHER. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND THE FAMILY BECAUSE IT SOUND AS IF THEY HAVE BEEN PUTTING UP WITH THIS FOR A WHILE. CONTINUE TO LOVE TIS MAN AND WHEN SHE IS READY TO EMBRACE YOU INTO THE FAMILY TAKE IT AND RUN WITH IT. GOOD LUCK AND HANG IN THERE.

Grownazzwoman out!..

Comment #4

Hi datedoyenne. He is almost 24 and I am 25, and we are very serious about our relationship, which I guess is why it matters to me. I haven't really brought up the issue with the rest of his family. I wasn't really sure if I should or not...

Comment #5

Thanks grown. I think she does have a mental disorder. The main reason why she is like this, is because her partner (my bf's dad) used to abuse her, and they split up over ten years ago. I don't think she ever got over this, and doesn't trust new people in her life. Well, that's what I think anyway. That is why I wasn't sure if she will ever come around without some sort of help, but who knows...

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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