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Hey have you ever gone to match.com just to see who you were compatible with , and well just crapped

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My first question is: Hey have you ever gone to match.com just to see who you were compatible with , and well just crapped.

My next question is: About 8 months ago I ran into a man that I had know several years ago. Upon discovery that we were both divorced we began dating (online dating with Match.com) and discovered that we had so much in common from our beliefs to being in the same line of work. We were able to talk about anything right away. I tease him because we had talked over 2100 minutes one month. J has 2 children ( a girl 12 and a boy 7) and at the time that we started dating (online dating with Match.com) had them 40% of the time. I have no children.

My thoughts on this was that they needed time with their dad without having a "girlfriend" around.  Not having children of my own I thought that the most important thing for him needed to be them. I didn't  see this as a problem and being single for quite a while didn't feel that it would affect our relationship.  In the last couple of months J- has gone to court to gain sole custody of his children and won. This has been a tough ordeal for him and his children. My heart goes out to them ( especially the kids) for all that they have had to go through and the negativity that goes along with it. I have been there for J- through the whole thing as much as I could..

I want to be there for J- as much s I can and he is such a good and wonderful man. Very caring. I couldn't ask for a better guy. He is very good with his kids and has their best interests at heart which is very admirable. But there has been some problems that are creeping in and I am having a hard time dealing with them.

I come from a very conservative background and have a hard time seeing the benefits of letting his children walk all over him. He lets them stay up late, even on school nites watching TV. He buys them expensive gifts and then complains about how much money he doesn't't have. As we continue down this path I am disappoint to see things that seem to take away from his relationship (thru Match.com) with them. It is almost as if he is afraid to upset them if he sets some ground rules so they end up walking all over him.  I don't say anything about the way he is parenting as it is not my place.But how do I continue on with this relationship (thru Match.com) when I can't seem to accept his parenting style?  J- has begun to comment to me that I don't have a clue what goes into being a parent and that if I do have kids that I can't do the things I do now such as sit down and read a book or take a nap or watch my favorite TV show. I know that kids are a huge responsibility and it isn't that I don't want any...

I have told him several times that this bothers me that he thinks that I don't have a clue. He will apologize all over himself and then say it again.  I care a great deal for him but how can I plan a future with a man who thinks that I cannot handle being a parent when he himself is getting walked all over? I need some advice.HELP!!..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Hey have you ever gone to match.com just to see who you were compatible with , and well just crapped.

It is smart that you are evaluating the potential of this relationship (thru Match.com) because the bottom line is that you are not a member of his family and really have no say-so over how he raises his kids.  I have known people who try to insert their wishes or ways of parenting while they are only dating (online dating with Match.com) or are only a step parent and unless the other parent also sees it your way...you are stuck watching a horror unfold everyday with the kids..

He is operating from a point of guilt about the divorce with the kids by allowing them to stay up late and buying expensive gifts..

His statement about you not "having a clue" is kind of combative.  Were you discussing parenting when he said that statement those times?  The statement is kind of condescending and denotes that you have an easier life, which is something he can only have in his memories now..

Dating a single parent can be a mess...

Comment #1

Unfortunately the "not having a clue" comment hasn't been during discussions of parenting. One was Christmas Eve. He spent the holiday with me and my family. I have 2 nieces ( 2 years old & 5 months old) who I adore and spend as much time as I can with them. Needless to say I spent a good part of the evening with them and on the way home he told me that I was really good with my nieces but I didn't understand that if I were to have kids that I wouldn't have the freedom to do the things that I enjoy now. I think part of it might stem from he is having to be a full-time parent now.

Now he has to worry about it all.

I know that he feels guilty for the divorce ( she moved out and filed) and all that the kids have gone through but his daughter especially has caught on to that and seems to be working it for all it is worth. I know that I have no right to interfere but I hate to see him give everything to them because he wants their love so bad and then have them treat him badly. It is very hard to see.

I am very torn on the next step of our relationship. On one hand he is the best thing that has come along and I am happy to be with him.. on the other I am frustrated with the way he parents and his thoughts as to my ability or commitment to a family. The thing about it is that I don't think that I can overlook something like that. If we were to have kids of our own I would want them to be parented different than how he parents his children now.. IT seems like a dead end.....

Comment #2

You can bring up the subject as it relates to him and his spirits in general. You can ask him how things are going with the kids and if he feels guilty about the divorce and you can mention to him that you are concerned about how his relationship (thru Match.com) with his kids may change because of the divorce.  And then go from there with the gifts and all because if he continues that line of treatment he wont have a solid relationship (thru Match.com) with his kids based on love it will be based on bribery..

"The thing about it is that I don't think that I can overlook something like that. If we were to have kids of our own I would want them to be parented different than how he parents his children now.".

I dont see why you cant bring up the topic in an outside kind of way like, "when I do have kids this is how I would like to raise them _________ ."  And see what he says. ..

Comment #3

From one WYO gal to another..

Isn't it wonderful to live in a rural state where the next town averages 70 miles away?  I'm having major problems with my guy of also 8 months who lives 150 miles away and doubt if it is going to work out..

I'm not very experienced with men with sole custody of their children, but in the past I've had some experience with freshly divorced men with children and how things change when they get custody during the summer.  You are going to have to accept being a VERY low priority for awhile.  He and his kids need to adjust to eachother and need the together time. .

Some serious questions to ask yourself..

Have you been introduced to kids yet?  Do you have friends in the town he lives in so you can stay with them?  Does he have family in town so they can babysit on occassion?  When he didn't have custody did he every visit you?  Are you willing to accept nothing more than nightly phone calls for the next 6 months while he figures everything out?  Are you that patient?.

Keep calling him, but other than that try to stay out of the new family's way while they are adjusting.  He is totally right that you should not be spending the night with the kids there. .

He hasn't adjusted from being 'good time dad' who is the entertainer to 'regular dad' who is a parent.  He needs time to adjust.  He still feels guilty about his kids, and he will spoil them for hopefully just awhile.  Maybe suggest to him that he should go to a single parent class (good luck finding support like this in Wyoming, and a caution it might be all women), or maybe a self help book/video series..

 ..

Comment #4

Yes dating (online dating with Match.com) single parents can be tough - esp when it's the man!.

You may not have experience as a parent and all it entails, but I think it rather unfair of him to apply that to you not understanding how to handle children. Understanding respect and discipline doesn't require beign a parent and I think he is forgetting that.

I do agree that he is struggling with the transition of part-time to full-time father. What he isn't seeing is the big picture - that without boundaries and discipline, kids get out of control. and the older they get, the harder it is to control them.

You may want to have a discussion with him about what the future holds for you - and it's perfectly ok to let him know that no, you aren't a parent, but you do know what respect and discipline are and from your perspective, it feels as if his kids are in charge of things and that there seems to be no consequences for bad behavior. Let him know that this concerns you - your ideas on parenting include boundaries, respect and discipline - even if your role is a step parent.

I also agree that there should be a discussion about how you two will grow the relationship (thru Match.com) now that he has full custody - including you meeting and interacting with his kids. He is their parent but as an adult, you still have a reasonable expectation to be treated with respect and courtesy by children..

This may be a short term situation - esp since teh custody thing is recent and the holidays are here. You may want to have a serious discussion with him about what you both want foryour future and the next steps.

Best wishes.

Toni..

Comment #5

I want to thank all of you for you thoughts and advice.

I know that this is going to be a long process. I am more than willing to let him work things out with his kids before I am brought into the picture. I also think that they need time together as a family rather than having to learn to deal with me too. J- doesn't necessarily like that idea. I feel like it is always me that is saying that he needs to take time with his kids and that he needs to put me on the back burner. I am the one that said there was no way that I would spend the nite when he has the kids.

I care about this man greatly but I have told him that I am a big girl and can understand if things need to shift.  My thoughts are the kids need to come first, they didn't ask for all of this and they need to come to terms with him and want has happened. J- doesn't see it that way. He wants me involved right now and constantly asks " What are you going to do with me"... honestly I don't know. I tell him that I am just taking this day to day.

They are good kids but from what I see and am told what they do or say to J- and I see a lot of disrespect and taking advantage of.  I confess that I am afraid that if I bring up my thoughts on parenting etc. that he will come back on me with I don't have kids so I don't know what it entails. Since he has had the kids full-time ( about 6 weeks) he has brought this to my attention more than once. and I have never talked about my ideas of parenting.

I guess another issue that I have with the whole thing is that my thoughts are that he needs to worry about those kids before he worries about a relationship. But he tells me that he hates to be alone and needs someone around all the time. Believe me I understand lonely. I have been divorced for a while. I just feel like he is pushing sometimes for me to tell him that I will love him forever and that I want to always be with him and at this point I don't know..Since he started the custody battle our conversations consist mostly of what bad thing he found out about his ex today. I think that he isn't healed from the divorce yet and of course this had made the wounds fresh again.

He is ready to charge forward head first... but I don't react like that.

I really appreciate you all listening to my ranting. Thanks!.

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Comment #6

This is a hard situation.  Mine is a little similar.  My bf has full custody of his two kids and I'm divorced with no kids.  I connected with the 15 year old right away.  I have lots of experience with teenager and we have some similar interest.  The 6 year old intimidated me right off the bat.  Sounds to me that you have a good head on your shoulders.  You obviously care about J or you wouldn't be writing.  When my guy asked me what I thought of the kids, I expressed that I get the teenager and that I would need some help with the little one.  He admitted that he's figuring this out one day at a time too.  (He's a really good Dad)  Next time the topic comes up let him know how much you care about him and that you are concerned about how you will fit into his life now that things have changed.  You can't stay on the same rule he originally set up now that he has full custody.  Time will be a major factor (I know this stinks.  I have to keep telling myself this as well).  He has to get the house under control, introduce the idea of his dating (online dating with Match.com) to the kids, and then bring you in slowly.  I'm a couple of steps ahead of you as my guy has had custody for a few years and has dated a bit since.  Ask J if you guys can set up a flexible plan (stress the flexible) so you can have a little idea of what to expect.  Ask the hard question - can he see you as his partner in raising the kids.  You will be helping if you get married.  I don't think it will be the same as if they were directly your kids.  Just ask him that any changes to the plan can be renegotiated as long as you talk prior to the change.  Open communication is going to be key to this working for you.  Good luck!!!!.

Kristie..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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