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He's hot/cold

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I'm 40, have 3 kids and am divorced long enough to be ready to find a man for my future - I met a super guy, and we've dated for 3+ months, several times a week including a 3day weekend with the kids and a week alone at the beach. When we go out, he's talkative, engaged and funny - Most weekdays he writes me several emails from work, text messages all hours of day and night on everything from chitchat to current events to missing me... We talk on the phone for hours and have kept "the future" as an open option.But every other weekend, almost like clockwork, he disappears! I mean no messages by phone, email, text, etc. I text him saying "how's it going?" or "whatcha doing?" and he just doesn't respond - 24-48 hours with zero communication, and never an apology or explanation - I've given him his breathing room so please don't go there; he knows I completely support him in terms of time with his family and friends - I've just mentioned that he should let me know that he is checking out a day or two and then I'd be fine. Just let me know! Instead I get the cell phone crickets and am left wondering... Is this one of those days? It just happened - 36 hours with no contact and then I called him and he said "oh hey yeah I should have sent you a message or something, huh?"...Please don't beat me up for overreacting or making something out of nothing; I'm not - I'm fully engaged in a daily, lively friendship and developing romance; and he drops in and out when he wants to - Should I be doing the same?..

Comments (17)

Your question was: He's hot/cold.

Honestly? Sometimes when guys drop out like that it means they're with someone else. That doesn't mean that's what this guy is doing of course. Anyway, don't you ask him where he is when he drops out? What does he say?..

Comment #1

Have you asked him why he does that? Maybe he doesn't want a serious relationship. Or, some men don't like feeling that they have to check in with someone in the early stages of a romance, but you would need to find out for sure what is going on inside of him...

Comment #2

Maybe he's on the CIA. Maybe he's in the reserves and has to go to reserve duty (one weekend a month)...

Comment #3

Thanks Snafu - I think you are on to something - I think he is just pulling back - He is feeling like it is "deeper" and more serious than he wants and he just needs that downtime/guy time - or not-with-girlfriend time - That's perfectly OK with me, I have just asked him to let me know when he's "off network" - Hey, take 2-3 days whenever you want, just TELL me so I'm not sending messages and making calls that won't be answered! Seems reasonable to me...He says "it's not my intention to do it, sorry" and that is about all I get - It has happened at least 4 weekends over the last few months, and it has definitely caused ME to pull back too!It is a major undertaking for a single Mom with 3 kids to find a guy who wants a quality marriage as the end goal = I get all that = so he may just be reflecting on all of the components besides "me and him"...

Comment #4

Hey Halle - Thanks for the note - I do consider that he could be seeing someone else, and I appreciate that perspective = I hope not, but it certainly has that feel to it!When I ask him WHY do you do this, he just gets kind of sheepish and says he doesn't know why, doesn't mean to do it, not doing it intentionally... stuff like that = Seems to not be taking responsibility for it - And then he apologizes and gets right back in the groove of taking me out, coming over and helping me with kids and dinners and house stuff - I've been through the cycle at least 4 times now, and frankly, each time I hoist the red flag a bit higher!..

Comment #5

I don't fault you for worrying. His actions don't appear normal to me. He may be leading a double life. If you are holding back from asking him questions, it is probably because something inside you is telling you that his behavior is not right. You just might not be able to accept it since you enjoy the companionship. My advice is to get some answers from this guy...

Comment #6

Have the 2 of you discussed being exclusive?This happened to me twice, with 2 different guys. Both times, there were other women involved...

Comment #7

This just isn't cool...happened to me and there was another woman. Don't get hung up in all the wonderful times when you are together...remember what he does to you every other weekend, especially since it occurs regularly. I would think if he were "pulling back" that it would be more random.Get answers from him! You deserve them! At the same time, protect yourself and be prepared.I hope I'm wrong!.

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #8

If it wasn't for it being every other weekend like clockwork, I'd say it was pretty normal, but it doesn't sound like it.I personally disagree that at three months he needs to let you know when he's going to not call for a couple of days, it's a bit much to ask, it's not like you are engaged or married or even quite serious, but hey, to each their own.I hope all of us thinking what we're thinking are all wrong and he has some charity work at some retirement home that he does every other weekend. *have* you two discussed being exclusive? Becuase if you haven't, he does have the right to still be seeing someone else, as do you. Just would be nice to know if that's the case so you can make an informed decision. Some guys "leave that out" for fear of a really really bad reaction from the woman, but the only way to remedy that is to broach the subject in a non-confrontational way.Best,.

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #9

HI Sandra and everyone - Thank you again for the opportunity to talk it out - We agreed, before we had sex, that we were exclusive and would not subject each other to the discomfort of multiple dating (online dating with Match.com) partners.I asked him again today if we were still exclusive and he said YES and "why on earth would you ask that?" - I said "well your disappearing routine on some weekends makes it perfectly reasonable to consider that you might be seeing someone else!"He said NO, that he had just screwed up by dropping out - and was going to try to not do it again - I again reminded him that he was entitled to as much time as he wants or needs, (as am I) and he seems to understand and appreciate that (again)We shall see!..

Comment #10

It's nice when communication works out that way. How about that. Keep your fingers crossed he got the point this time. Let's also remember he is entitled to a few weekends of alone time as are you, too. Heads-up is nice, not mandatory, keep yourself busy too.Best of luck!.

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #11

I dont think you're over-reacting, it's weird, it doesn't sound like you're crowding him or asking for much but for him to say he's alive, I'd consider asking casually if he has a secret life! You're just asking for a reasonable explanation.

 .

How would he feel if you did the same thing - dropped out with no contact on a regular basis whenever you felt like it - I would ask him that.

,..

Comment #12

"he had just screwed up by dropping out" - did you guys agree at the start of the relationship (thru Match.com) that there would be times where you could "drop out" with no questions asked? Obviously he assumed that he was not obligated to notify you. Everyone has such different ideas of what a dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship (thru Match.com) entails it is a wonder that any relationship (thru Match.com) goes smoothly...

Comment #13

Wow, you are all awesome - Thank you - Talk therapy is truly the best!I realize that I need a perspective adjustment - I need to take a breath and look at this as dating (online dating with Match.com) not a relationship (thru Match.com) at this point - He's a neat guy, but if I'm this uncomfortable 3 months in, I should pay attention to those feelings and how I'm bringing them on to myself - I WANT a relationship, but only with the right guy, and there just hasn't been enough time to establish that he is 'the one' - And he is entitled to the same test drive with me! So... I need to see this as a series of dates and take the time to get to know each other - No one gets to 40 without stories and histories = That is what makes us rich and wonderful!For me, to go from 30+ messages, calls, txts from him in one day to total stone cold silence the next day, not even responding to incoming at all for a couple of days.... that's weird, and frankly a bit rude - But from HIS (reasonable) perspective it may just be his style or may be what he wants - It's not anything wrong with me!Thanks a million, gang - I'm spending the weekend enjoying the heck out of my children!..

Comment #14

I agree that it is rude to not return a call. I guess the question I would ask myself is, "do I want a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone who does this?""It's not anything wrong with me!" - true. I know there are women out there who would accept any behavior or treatment just so they can have a relationship. Glad to hear you are not one of them...

Comment #15

Just a thought (and sorry for the hat) but people have a choice to focus on negative things, or to focus on positive things. Whatever a person focuses on is what they will bring, usher, or welcome into their lives.It sounds as though you're choosing to focus on the poitive aspects, such as having a whole weekend with your kids, reconnecting with them, and that's awesome! Even if the answers arent' always what we want to hear, it's also terrific to have open, honest discussions which it sounds as though you've had with him. It also sounds as though you're taking a step back, perspective-wise and seeing this for what it is, a dating (online dating with Match.com) situation where you look and see if things in his life will gel in your life. These are all good things! There's no reason to get wrapped around the axle if someone isn't being or acting the way you want, it's much more important to see them the way they truly *are.*All the best,.

 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #16

Thank you for the warming words - I have learned a lot about myself since ending my 14 year marriage a few years ago, and it seems that I have been looking for others to puff me up or validate me - "If he isn't calling, I must be doing something wrong" or "maybe I need to be doing X or Y or Z..." - How silly! I am a good and whole person, and others are good and whole as well, even if they don't meet all of my (reasonable or unreasonable) expectations! A match is a match is a match - I need to avoid trying to "make it work"!!!I really appreciate the chance to interact on this board - Being home with 3 wild but wonderful kids means my adult contact is limited - and this is a great way for me to bounce these things off of my newest friends!Everyone: your input and analysis is so valuable, thanks a million!..

Comment #17


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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