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Help: Accused of Causing Impotence

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My friend and I had a misunderstanding. It was a major misunderstanding concerning his manhood. We are both retired and widowed. When we first got together he experienced erection problems. So we haven't had sex. Not that we don't want too or that we did not try.

He has major health issues, high blood pressure, prostate cancer (he takes injections for this every twelve to sixteen weeks), has had open heart surgery, and diabetic. I discussed this with my doctor and he says he maybe having problems because of his health issues and medication. Well, he agreed that for the last couple of months he was experiencing these problems.All of these problems and he blames me because he can't penetrate. Face it! He is soft. The relationship (thru Match.com) has turned mentally and emotionally abusive.

But I began to stand up to him and sometimes it is better and sometimes it is not. Our relationship (thru Match.com) in the beginning was great. We did lots of nice things together and I really miss him.The last straw was last Saturday. He blamed me and I just walked out. I have been gone almost two weeks now and I miss him so much.

I am not going to tolerate abuse in any form. He is 66 and I'm 64. I love him very much. I want to call and say let talk. Since I was the one walking out.

I think he is a sexy man regardless to this. Neither of us look our ages. It is going to be difficult discussing impotence with a man that is impotent. I don't want to make the wrong approach. I don't want to play mind games, either.

I can set guidelines about showing respect, but how do I approach impotence? Your ideas and suggestions are really really appreciated. Please respond especially about the erection thing...

Comments (6)

Your question was: Help: Accused of Causing Impotence.

I would insist that he get counseling for his issues before getting back together with him (although frankly I'm not sure I'd really consider it given what you've writtenloving someone doesn't mean they are right for you and someone who abuses you mentally and emotionally cannot be right for you IMO).Sheri..

Comment #1

I agree with Sheri ...he needs counseling so he can deal with the stress and the depression that impotence causes in a man. If you feel that the abusive behavior he exhibited was because he was feeling defensive and angry with his body...and not because he is an abusive person in general...then maybe you can go with him to a therapy session or two.I dont know anything about medically related impotence, especially in seniors. So you may have to talk to a doctor or other health care profession on how they treat that type of impotence. Maybe they treat the health care problem (diabetes) first and then the impotence or maybe they prescribe medication for the problem regardless.I dont know how you approach the impotence, maybe that is something a counselor can share with you...

Comment #2

Was that a real post? That was waaaay graphic for me. Well, if that was real, I would not even talk to that guy if I were you, girl. If he really loved you, he wouldnt be in such denial and he wouldnt want to make you feel bad, you know?..

Comment #3

Yes, it is extremely likely that with all his health conditions that his ED is caused by this with added stress and has absolutely nothing to do with you.  He is very cruel and mean to suggest that it's you not him.  How about he discusses this with HIS doctor so he can get confirmation on this instead of being nasty and blaming it on you?  Him talking his doctor about his issues and seeing if there is a solution is really the only way to approach the impotence but until/unless he's willing to do that, there is nothing YOU can do..

You miss the relationship (thru Match.com) you had at the beginning which was the relationship at it's best.  When things settled into reality, this guy turned into an emotionally and mentally abusive jerk.  Why you want to put yourself through that, I have NO idea but it's your life.  Personally, I don't see why you would be the one to contact him first either just because you were the one who walked out.  What, should you have just sat there and continued to let him berate and blame you?  No, you stand up for yourself and let him know that you refuse to take that behavior and if that means walking out, that's what it means.  Emotional and mental abuse SHOULD be painful - that is why it's called abuse.  If you ever get immune to that pain, you are lost..

He hasn't bothered to contact you in two weeks either has he?  I think that shows his lack of concern and respect for you and your feelings.  He should be the one apologizing here and coming to YOU asking for forgiveness, not the other way around.  Yes, you could set guidelines, but he really doesn't sound like the type to care about guidelines.  If you are not going to tolerate abuse, don't.  If you want to try again, I say tell him that he has one chance - if he acts abusive toward you again, you are done.  And then follow up on that ultimatum.  Just because you set guidelines doesn't mean he'll even consider meeting them..

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Comment #4

That's what I like about these message boards. You might not get what you want to hear, but you do get good sound advice. You don't know how much I want to call him and say let's talk. I was just about to do that when I read these messages again. True I have done nothing to deserve this from him. This is a learning experience for me.

I will not stand for abuse of any kind ever again. To all who wrote me back. I am going to try to be strong. I admit I do want to go back, but I will have accomplished nothing. This is the second week and I haven't heard from him.

My auto keys and garage door opener. He said I could come right over. I backed out. I told him I will let him know before I come. Right now I just don't feel it is a very good idea I am not strong enough.

I plan to ask my brother to go and get my things. Please continue to pray for me and send me you thoughts and opinions. Your messages have been very helpful..

Comment #5

You're right, this isn't about you but about him and the way he feels about himself but yes he has no right to be abusive toward you.  Would he be willing to see a therapist, perhaps on his own to deal with this? You might suggest going with you to a session also..

But yes you would want to set boundaries in terms of the way he treats you. And stick to them! But let him know despite all this you still find him a sexy, vital man..

,..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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