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He is just not into me??

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Hi my favourite board, your advice pls!is it normal with a guy that you met twice so far but have talked on a chat already a number of times - that he calls or writes you just once a week ? that he can cancel on a date using Match.com ("i'm sick so prefer to stay in, sorry didnt call you before")and then take you out the next day? and then come to chat talk casually and never ask you out? and then disappear? we had lunch last Sat and then just chat briefly yday. thats it for this week!!!he told me on a chat how much he likes me but his behaviour is saying the opposite. should I freak out? bail out? wait and relax?..

Comments (13)

Your question was: He is just not into me??.

Sounds like he likes you but he's lazy, and he probably doesn't realize that being this lazy could lead to the end of the relationship. I posted a message earlier today about a guy I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) who recently started resorting to text messaging instead of calling me. I think some of these guys think once you've gone out on a few dates with them they've snagged you and they don't have much else to do. There are a few ways you can deal with him: -play it by ear and go out with him a few more times and see if it changes. He could just be taking things slow, but at the same time, I usually think that someone who really wants to be with you is going to do more to show it. -the next time he calls, pretend you don't know who he is, say, "Jack who?" and then joke about the fact that you never hear from him so you forgot how his voice sounds.

If you don't feel like you're going to get what you want out of this relationship, then get out of it. I'm giving the guy I've been seeing one or two more dates and if he doesn't remember how to use a phone, that's it. If you're not looking for something serious but you have fun with him, keep going out but don't expect much...

Comment #1

Thank you for advice sunnygirl! a bit more context on this storyhe is 35, moved to the city where I live about 2weeks ago.we met on a plane a month ago and then kept in touch before he moved in. he told me how much he liked me, bla bla. then we met finally last Sat. two things that I wonder about:- I like him yet when I saw him I didnt feel the "OMG he is the one" spark. I just had very good time with him but i'm not ready to go further yet. it's mostly him playing hard to get that ticks me off and makes me want to see him again (weird me, I know...) So right now I REALLY want him to call me!- last Sat during our lunch he brought up his ex at least 3times.

Is it normal that he did it? I felt uncomfortable each time and wondered 'is he really over her? or he is just saying to make it clear smth?' They broke up this march and were together only a year. i'm confused... I dont want games, dont want to date using Match.com just for the sake of dating. What I want is either be happy single again (about 8months that i'm out of relationship) or to date using Match.com a guy who loves me and truly cares for me. hmm......

Comment #2

You've only been out with the guy once... Chill out...Maybe he is not "playing" hard to get. He just moved there, he probably has a lot going on. He has a life, things he has to get done other than dating.If he is playing hard to get... then he is not worth your time. Games have no business in a mature healthy relationship.Bringing up his ex 3 times on your first date using Match.com would be a red flag to me.

Doesn't matter how long they were together, it takes some people longer than others.You need to be happy with your life and yourself, before looking for a relationship.Good luck..

Comment #3

Yeah red flag - i'm so with you on this one...why did he rush over to me on the plane and give me his business card and then write me and tell me he likes me so much?? guys are weird indeedso I should just give him space and time to get over her? and kick back and relax in the meantime?..

Comment #4

Exactly. That bringing up the ex three times is certainly a red flag. She's still on his mind and he's not even trying to push her out of his head in order to better impress you. I'd be pretty ticked by that. You're not his therapist. Sounds like he wants to move on from his ex but it's hard to do it single so he's dating (online dating with Match.com) you as a way to help him move on, but he's not totally "there" yet.

We started off as friends, then we started dating, and after two months he tells me he's still into his ex from high school and wants to win her back. Needless to say I felt like crap and that was an awful thing for him to do to me. to top it all off he was shocked that I didn't want to talk to him, nor was I very cordial to him afterwards as if I should have been more understanding...

Comment #5

Maybe it was the moment, maybe he doesn't realize he is not over his ex yet.Remember no matter what they say..... Actions speak louder than words. Until you really get to know someone take what they say with a grain of salt....Yes give him space, go on with your life just like before you met him. If he is interested, believe me he will let you know not just with words but with his actions... Good luck..

Comment #6

It sounds like he is juggling things and that is why he is keeping in touch, but not regularly.  He just moved into your area 2 weeks ago so I'm sure he has lots to do like changing drivers license. shopping for home supplies  and  maybe wanting to make a good impression at work so he is staying late..

Bringing up his ex on the first date using Match.com is not great but maybe he did it to fish for info like if you maybe you would bring up your ex...

Comment #7

It does sound like pursuing this relationship (thru Match.com) isnt something he's giving alot of attention to right now..

,..

Comment #8

Even if he still likes me? so basically I just step back and do not expect much of the action? or to avoid him all together and not accept any more dates? hmmm... it started so nice and romantic and now. cant say i'm devastated. just frustrated with him I guess.....

Comment #9

Believe in his actions/behaviors and NOT in his words. This guy has you as a "back up" for when he's dateless or planess. You're second choice. Keep him as a friend only...

Comment #10

You dont have to step back and expect nothing.  You could call him and ask him if things are too hectic right now for him to date.  Leave the door open for him (because he didnt really do anything to hurt you) and maybe when he is finally settled in with his new life then he may call you.  Til then move on with your life...

Comment #11

Thanks snafu2006. I dont feel like a complete loser now after reading your message.

Talked to my mom about it last night. she also lifted my mood 'hey, think of him as your gay friend or girlfriend! you r not ready for real relationthip anyways, so why bother with spoiling your mood if he is not available? would you be that upset if your girlfriend would not call you for a week?' SOOO right instant mood life. he he.

So I will give it a time and focus on other things and then might give him a call to check on him. for now I still feel like not calling coz 1. he wasnt available last time I called so I dont want to sound obsessive and persistent. 2. my close friend has just been dumped so she needs me much more than him.

Thank you all for your 2cents! do really appreciate..

Comment #12

Of course you are not a loser.  You are very enthusiastic about this guy and the prospect for love.  I remember feeling that way.  It is a great feeling yet there is a splash of anxiety added to that great feeling.  Isnt funny how we dont stress about our friends calling us but we do a guy?  I think that if you check in with him later it will make him feel like #1 - he has a new friend in town who cares about how things are going with his recent move, and #2 - he met a woman who is considerate and someone who has potential to be a great GF.  Good luck!..

Comment #13


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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